return of the repressed

I think this belly is getting a bit out of control, needs some strict disciplinary teasing from you all ;)

“But there are dark, untouched corners within all of us. Sex can be very exciting in one moment and barely tepid the next. It can feel like love but not be love. It can feel like possession and then the person walks away. You can’t possess another person. You can’t make another person not die. If nothing else, at least my vomit fetish is mine. It’s mine and it’s real.”

Any kind of non-consensual involvement in kink/sexual situations isn't okay, not just the fat shaming and degradation stuff. It feels unfair to single out the 'harder' fat and feeding kinks when we're asking for people to get consent before engaging in kink. It makes it easier for behaviors like sending unsolicited belly pics or treating any fat person in the community like a feedee to be excused as not that bad when they can have just as harmful of an impact on someone receiving them nonconsensually.

Also, people with fat and feeding kinks that mirror societal fatphobia more closely are more visible and get a more emotional knee-jerk reaction from the general public than stuff like soft feedism, so they don't need those of us in the same community who aren't into the harder stuff to be throwing around more stigma and arguing against their kink.

TL;DR: can you fill out this survey to help make a checklist to make it easier for feedists to explain what they like, and be safer with one another?

A few years ago, I made the concerted effort to dive in the world of kink. I wanted to explore what it would be like to live with as little shame as possible, after decades of thinking that my kinks were not only foul and disgusting, but harmful to people I cared about.

You can't really do this kind of exploration as a kinky person without encountering and learning about BDSM.

While there's a lot of BDSM that isn't really for me, the thing that makes me love it so much is how much effort is put on safety and consent. They call it Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK). It was actually @weirdw00d that first set me off on this when they talked about the relationship between feedism and BDSM and how much we all had to learn from that community as we seek to build greater safety and comfort in our own.

Many people are familiar with the "BDSM Test," which is pretty much everywhere online in kinky spaces. But I personally find the test rather contrived and specific to a very particular vision of what BDSM is. Beyond that, though, and perhaps even more importantly: it's not a helpful tool for building safety with a partner.

Later on, I would discover this incredible checklist by The Duchy, to help mark out much more specifically what you were interested in and, crucially, what you were not.

But being the kind of autistic I am, I didn't like that (1) it was a PDF and (2) that you couldn't compare a partner in it when you filled it out. So, I made this:

I tried to add feedism into this, too, by adding in categories from the feedist kink jars, but I don't think that really captures the full range of the stuff people like to do. So, using those as high-level categories to frame questions, I'm asking you all to help me:

Please tell me the top five types of scenes or activities you like to do related to the feedist kink jars. They can be long or short examples, but I just want to collate a big list and then refine the above spreadsheet into something people can use with a partner.

The ultimate idea here is that I want to create ways for partners to safely check off what they do, and do not, want to do together, so people can have fun and play together safely. The more information and the clearer we are with one another, the more fun we can have!

If you can spare a few minutes to basically kinky brainstorm and brain-dump for me, I'd be so, so, grateful.

In the feedism RACK sheet, because it's adapted from various Feedist Kink Jars versions, it includes a focus on body parts. This makes sense if it's all about showing what you're attracted to. But this spreadsheet is about what you want to do with other people.

Soo...

like.....they're coming from the same well of thought. the problems with feedism are exacerbated by fatphobia, not the other way around- fat people are systemically dehumanized, therefore often dehumanized in sexual and romantic relationships across the board. feedism is a scapegoat, a particularly easy one because feedists are a group of people who are loud about liking fatness (therefore, the most likely place to find fatphobic toxic relationships- because you don't see so many normie couples happy to talk about how much they love being fat or their fat partner).

there are bad actors and bad relationships in every group you can possibly imagine. this does not mean every person who is turned on by fatness doesn't view fat people as real people deserving of respect and boundaries. if you follow this logic, there is no ethical way to be attracted to anyone for any reason, there are no ethical kinks to have at all based on bodily attributes. like boobs or butts? you're automatically dehumanizing the subject of your desire by experiencing it at all.

this also ignores the idea that many feedists are indeed fat people themselves and are the subject of fatphobia firsthand, always, constantly. are we worth discarding because we are turned on by it? are we (unwitting, naive) victims of our own desire?

I don't buy it. It sounds too similar to all the reasons fat people are told to hate themselves anyway. It sounds an awful lot like "you don't get to enjoy your own body in the ways you please as a knowledgeable adult". fatness is something you have to ignore in sexuality, something you have to look past, avoid- you have to desire in spite of fatness, never because of it.

disclaimer: I am NOT saying that no one has ever been abusive in the name of feedism/fat kinks, this does happen. I just believe this happens due to other factors (such as society encouraging dehumanization of fat people & discouraging fat people themselves from talking about any sexual harassment or abuse they've experienced regardless of context, some people lacking understanding of or care for consent and boundaries, some people who simply enjoy hurting others whenever they can in a non-kinky way). It is not due to the concepts themselves. I also believe that it is perfectly fine for a fat person to not like any of this and not want to be involved (and as such, if they are, that is often sexual harassment, disrespecting and ignoring boundaries set).

like it’s so fun to open your horizons and not be restricted by society’s small ass box, the feedism spectrum is large and wide (pun intended)

just allow yourself to find everyone beautiful! the doors that open when you let fatness into a celebrated form is quite fun and a lot less stressful.

The ability to see the beauty of fatness, while part of feedism, is not the main thing that gives the kink its erotic charge. That stuff is way more complicated-we all developed our sexualities through early experiences in a specific societal context. Fatness is overloaded with meanings in the US about control, indulgence, pleasure, discipline etc., and those messages are necessarily going to be folded into what people find erotic about feedism. This is not anyone’s fault-I didn’t choose to be turned on by any of this, nobody does, but it is not an ideologically neutral formation.