#feedism ethics

I’ve had this feedism kink since I was maybe 9 years old, and even early on the themes of my fantasies were always related to shame and degradation (myself as object of it). I think one of my first sexual fantasies had to do with being abducted by aliens that stripped me naked and made fun of my weak/soft/jiggly human body in comparison to their ultra-slim/nimble physicality. I grew up utterly surrounded by fatphobia and I am sure this is related.

As a teenager, my first forays into exploring feedism were DMs with awful old men on fantasyfeeder who made me feel disgusting and ashamed after the roleplay was over. I felt like such a freak. (I also experienced CSA from a family member age 11-13 which I’m sure is somehow related although who knows how).

I started developing an ED around age 12, and as an adult I have been every BMI category-most of my adult life I have been “obese”, hovering around 210 lbs with a high of 250 lbs not so long ago. I’m now about 112 lbs, which is underweight, after a bad breakup and anorexia relapse.

As a fat adult, I really suffered over my sexuality-I didn’t think it would be healthy to roleplay this with partners so it became something I just experienced alone. I was and am very sensitive to fatphobia and while I know it is all bullshit, being seen by others as fat and knowing the assumptions they may have about me due to that brought me so much pain. I went to treatment for severe bulimia twice after losing tons of weight by making myself vomit, and in periods of “recovery”I just tried to ignore my body as best I could. The bulimia was deeply motivated by internalized fatphobia-extreme shame about my body indicating my inner Badness somehow. I didn’t want to exacerbate the pain by enacting it sexually with my exes, and mostly did roleplaying online.

Online roleplay-eventually on tumblr-was kinda traumatizing even as an adult, because one can consent to something that they did not realize was causing them real pain. The lack of aftercare from random people who were getting off (as was I!) to my very real fears-, including people on tumblr, kinda fucked me up. Feeders, especially thin ones-were so complicated for me to interact with-how do I know that they didn’t actually believe me to be inferior and degraded by my body? What do we owe one another?

Ultimately the thing that makes me cum is the fulfillment of my worst irl fears about myself! It seems as though reinforcing my shame is inevitable if I engage with feedism. At the same time, tumblr has been a blessing-having a forum to talk about this stuff with people who make me feel like it isn’t this freakish thing, who are thoughtful and live full lives and also engage with feedism brings me so much hope. I want to experience real sexual pleasure!! This desire cannot be repressed away.

Now that I’m thin, my sex life is basically dead-I dread it, and I’m tired of living this way. I want to be able to roleplay feedism with someone I trust in a body that feels livable both sexually and in everyday life. I hope I figure out how. It feels like I’m navigating such a minefield.