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Aries: Many of your problems are because of the cursed baleen whale that you nearly killed during your time in the Navy.

Taurus: All Tauruses will receive a coupon for one (1) free stroke of luck, redeemable at any trader Joe’s.

Gemini: Your teacher can’t actually see other humans, she’s just pretending.

Cancer: It feeds.

Leo: You are hunting the future to death.

Virgo: Wash yourself in the lake under cover of night. If the moon is right, it will give you the reset you desire. Can’t tell you what moon is the right moon though, I’m a stars guy.

Libra: Acknowledge that the people in your life are multifaceted, reminesce on times passed as you elbow drop them in the jaw.

Scorpio: A spelling mistake tomorrow will lead to headaches and severe bowel misplacement.

Saggatarius: You have lost something. The moon alights on what you seek.

Capricorn: The stars are saying you’re a gold digger, they cannot agree if you are messing with a broke or not though.

Aquarius: Purify your body! Drink as much green tea as you can physically fit into your tiny mouth. Vomit.