This Is Trifficult!!

It’s even harder to believe that you go your whole life thinking that whatever happened to you is what you’re supposed to do with a partner or friend.

I fucked up so many relationships in the past because of learned behaviors from people who I thought I could trust, and hurt a lot of people. But the cycle of abuse has to stop somewhere, and I’ve put an end to it once I finally learned that what I’ve done to someone was grooming.

It took….an embarrassingly long time for me to figure this out. It wasn’t until after I met my husband when I started to realize that the harmful behaviors I displayed were learned from the people that have groomed me in the past. I didn’t know it was grooming at the time it was happening to me; I just thought that someone could actually tolerate me. I talked about things that I never should’ve even discussed, and was coerced into toxic mindsets and circles that were all normalized for me.

I never even CONSIDERED that I could continue the cycle, until I met my ex.

I was their first partner, and I completely ruined that first experience for them, because I couldn’t identify that what I was doing was harmful. I couldn’t even take accountability for my actions when confronted because I genuinely didn’t know that what I was doing was wrong.

I was supposed to know that what I was doing was wrong. But it being treated as normal by the people that harmed me, it’s pretty obvious that I never learned otherwise. All I can do now is learn from my past mistakes, and keep pushing forward to unlearn these things while healing from my own trauma.