androgyny;

But his mind went blissfully, numbly blank as Levi’s fingers resumed the slow, steady rhythm they’d started before. He didn’t even try to be quiet, to stop the breathy, desperate noises escaping his lips, not caring that anyone who came onto the docs at this moment would hear how much he wanted this, how much he wanted Levi. “Please,” he practically whined at the other’s question. “I’ve– I’ve wanted this for a while, honestly, just– didn’t know how to ask.” He pushed back on the other’s hand, hips canting as he gave a breathless gasp and said, “Fingered myself in the shower a few days ago, and all I could think of was your cock. Fuck,” he hissed out, desperate for more, before saying, “Please, Lev, I’m ready.”

Reaching for the small case again, Levi tore open a condom and rolled it on his cock, bucking into his own fist at the contact and riding the friction for just a second before grabbing the lube, smearing a healthy amount on. In a perfect world, he’d fuck Nate bare, but he didn’t know if they were there yet -- it had taken them a while to even get to a point where Nate fucked him without a condom, and they’d been having sex for years. “Want you to relax, alright? I’m gonna take care of you, just want you to feel good,” he said as he leaned down over Nate, kissing his collarbone, then his throat, where he could feel the rapid pulse of Nate’s heart. He could remember when the roles were reversed, and it was his first time -- he’d been scared but too turned on to care if it hurt. Levi didn’t want that for Nate -- he wanted it to feel good from the start. Wrapping his hand around Nate’s cock, he slowly jerked him as he lined up with Nate’s entrance, tension rippling through him as he battled against restraint - he hand’t fucked someone in over a year. Finding Nate’s lips, Levi kissed him just as he pressed inside, swallowing whatever noises Nate made while he eased in slowly. When he was inside Nate - a dizzying idea in and of itself, but the feeling - Levi kissed along Nate’s jaw. “Get some paint, love, whatever colour you want” he said, teeth nipping at Nate’s ear, wanting to buy some time and give Nate time to adjust. “You look so beautiful, want you to show me what you feel with the paint,” and when he pulled back, one hand beside Nate’s head, he gently eased back just slightly before rocking into Nate again, head dropping to Nate’s shoulder at the feeling. He was tight, and warm, and Levi felt like he was seconds - not minutes - away from an orgasm; keeping it slow, he rocked inside of Nate, looking up at the other boy through his lashes, thinking only that he’d never felt closer to Nate than now - like they were finally whole. 

“Levi,” Nate moaned, taking more paint on his hand and cupping the other’s face, a thrill of arousal sparking down his spine as he felt Levi’s cheeks hollowing out and swallowing him down against he palm of his hand. “Fuck, your fucking mouth,” he panted, hand smearing blue into Levi’s hair as he tangled his soft locks around his fingers. “Dunno– dunno what I like more– your mouth or– or your fingers.” It wasn’t the first time Levi was fucking him open, but it was definitely the most he’d enjoyed it because of the anticipation of what was to come. He wanted more, and Levi seemed to pick up on that, giving him instructions of green now, and he obliged, taking his clean left hand and dipping it in paint just as Levi pressed another finger in. Nate’s body stilled and then shuddered, and he couldn’t help but grind back on Levi’s fingers, his breathing shallow and uneven. “Green,” he repeated inanely to himself, and, dazed but determined, he pulled Levi up to him, sliding their lips together in a hot, open mouthed kiss, before pressing a large green palm print over the other’s heart. “Mine,” he muttered hotly against Levi’s mouth, licking the taste of himself off the other’s tongue. “Pretty, lovely, and mine.”

“I went through hell to find you,” Levi told him, starting to slowly fuck Nate with his fingers again, continuing to open him up while search for his prostate. “Red’s for struggle and pain and sacrifice, and I know you’ve felt it, too,” he said, dark eyes darting up to Nate’s for a moment as he spread the red paint across Nate’s shoulders, where the weight of the world would have sat. “Stronger together than we are apart - the heaven just on this side of hell.” Levi leaned down and kissed him again, hoping that Nate understood - that all of it, everything they’ve done - was worth it because they’d found each other. His fingers found Nate’s prostate, brushing against it lightly but with intention, smiling at the reaction it pulled from the man beneath him. “Gonna fuck you now, yeah?” Levi murmured, hand curling around Nate’s neck and up to cup his jaw. “You ready?” And he paused, fingers still moving inside of Nate but he made the moment stand still so that Nae could genuinely answer - Levi didn’t want to push for it, to do something that Nate wasn’t ready to do.

The feeling of Levi’s tongue against his hole sent a spark of arousal down his spine, and he couldn’t stop himself from bucking into that, his hips pushing back on Levi’s tongue as a whine, pitched low in his throat, escaped his lips. Everything Levi was giving him was fleeting, too much to be nothing, but not enough to be something, and Nate was already worked up enough as it was. “You’re the worst,” he breathed out, licking his lips and clamping down as he watched the other through hooded, expectant eyes. “I’ve seen what death looks like, and it looks like you being a fucking tease.”

Elbowing Nate’s legs wider, Levi bit his lip as he circled his index finger around Nate, dipping in for just a second before withdrawing. “You better be painting,” he said, glancing up as he took the head of Nate’s cock in his mouth just as he slid one finger inside of him. The suddenness of both actions, he hoped, would distract Nate from the stretch that he was about to undergo. A rhythm was easy to work up, bobbing his head as he worked one - then two - slick fingers inside Nate, scissoring them slightly when he was sure that Nate was ready for it. He wondered if he could do three - three would make the actual sex part easier -  so Levi pulled off Nate’s cock and, kissing his thighs, took a second to catch his breath as he continued to pump his fingers in and out of Nate. “I want you to put your hands in green now, babe,” Levi called, eyes flicking up to make sure Nate did it, pressing a third finger beside the first two and watching for any negative reaction. “Want your hands coated, want to see the colours, yeah?”

Bill Hicks, Revelations (1993)

His legs spread apart to accommodate a space for Levi, pulling him close and tipping his head down to kiss him slowly as he undid the towel around the other’s waist. It pooled around Levi’s ankles and gave Nate full access to Levi’s dick, hard, flushed, and curved, but Nate kept his hands at the other’s hips for a moment instead. “Only if you wanna do that, though,” Nate mumbled quietly, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “Like. Whatever you want to do, honestly, Lev, is fine with me. So long as I get you – in whatever way you want me to have you – that’s all that matters.”

He kissed him for a moment longer, taking his time to lick his way into Nate’s mouth, before pulling back. “Stay right here,” he said, feeling somewhat important and confident now that he was in charge, and moved to lay the canvas out on the deck. Next, he uncapped the paint tins and stood them side by side in a row, offering their colours up freely. Then, he ducked back into the cabin and grabbed the small case where they kept lube and condoms. Chucking it onto the canvas, Levi returned to Nate, grinning. “You sure? We don’t have to, but--” Levi pulled Nate off the arm rest an against him. “I’ll make it good, I promise. Open you up, nice and slow, first,” he said, walking them over to the canvas, “then when you think you’ll come from just my fingers, I’ll fuck you. You just need to promise me that if anything hurts or you’re uncomfortable that you let me know, yeah? Want to take care of you,” he said, suddenly on the other side of the relationship as he tugged Nate onto the deck where the canvas sat. There were several ways he could get Nate open - some that seemed more convenient than others - but if it was Nate’s first time, he wanted it to be good. Pushing Nate back with one hand, Levi told him to lie on his back, and only when he had done so did Levi lay on his stomach and, after pulling off Nate’s shorts, ghosted his fingers - then his lips - around Nate’s flushed dick. “Gonna make you feel good,” he said, seeing Nate over the expanse of Nate’s chest, “just relax.” He’d done this before - opened Nate up with his fingers and tongue, but now there was intent behind it; a meaning and an outcome that they were driving toward, and he didn’t hesitate before pressing his tongue - flat and broad - to Nate’s hole, listening out for the noises the other boy made.

However, his pretense of casualness dropped the moment Levi’s legs wrapped around his waist, his dick pressed against Nate’s hip, and– fuck. His own dick gave a twitch of interest, and unbidden, a sharp exhale left his lips as they sought out Levi’s, his throat thick and his mouth desperate. “I don’t wanna stop touching you,” Nate mumbled against Levi’s mouth. “Christ– you’re so tight, I don’t want to stop, but– I want to see you.” His free arm wrapped around Levi’s waist, bringing them even closer, and his thighs ached with the effort of it all, but he didn’t care. Being separated from Levi, even just to swim back to the yacht, wasn’t something he even wanted to consider. “I wanna see all of you come apart just for me. I want– fuck, do we have paint on the yacht? Please tell me we have paint. And a canvas. And a joint.”

Kissing Nate just once before pulling apart, Levi started to swim to the boat, making sure Nate was following. He felt no embarrassment as he hauled himself up onto the ladder and back onto the boat, his arse on show for the entire Spanish coast; he just hoped that Nate was watching. Levi grabbed two towels that sat by the ladder and wrapped one around himself, though he could already feel the sun’s heat drying the beads of water that dripped from his hair. When he saw Nate, Levi handed him the towel, but his eyes were already on Nate’s body, drinking in the sight of his broad chest and tan skin, making him feel a jolt of attraction and lust. “Paint’s in here,” Levi said, tearing his eyes away from Nate as he walked into the cabin. He’d put some art supplies on the boat a few days prior, always wanting to be prepared in case inspiration struck. Grabbing a roll of thick canvas, Levi handed it to Nate before he grabbed some of the paint, hauling it out onto the deck. “What do you want to do?” asked Levi, feeling slightly shy, almost, as he stood there with his towel low on his hips and hard dick more than obvious beneath it. He was practically vibrating with need for Nate to touch him, but he didn’t want to distract Nate if he had a plan, so he kept his hands to himself, though shifting closer to Nate and looking up at him. “You want to fuck me on the canvas?” Levi suggested, stomach coiling with need. “Take me apart and create something new on it?”

“I got my first offer the other day,” he breathed out, mouthing hotly at Levi’s skin as he crooked his finger inside of Levi, pushing it in deeper for a moment before pulling out a little, giving him some stretch before fucking into him again. “D’you remember those naked stills I did of you last year? Someone wants to buy them off the Nisbet for ten grand.” The Nisbet Gallery in San Francisco was owned by some of Nate’s friends back in the Bay Area, and he’d had his stuff in their galleries for years, which was an accomplishment in it of itself, but knowing that someone wanted to buy his work – that was something else entirely. “This is just the start, Lev,” he murmured, unable to stop himself from getting sentimental as he worked in a second finger – which, he knew was probably more than a little painful without lube, and so, purposefully, he went slow, giving Levi ample time to adjust to the stretch of it. “Everyone deserves to know how good you make me feel.”

“That’s-- that’s great,” Levi said, licking his lips and trying to focus. This was what he’d wanted, after all. “Not that you need the money, but the exposure will be-- fuck-- will be good. Get your name out there.” He couldn’t help himself from panting slightly in Nate’s ear, dick hard against Nate’s hip as he held the other close. “If you fuck me on the boat, I’ll be loud enough so that everyone will know how good you make me feel,” he said, and it was a promise. “When we get to Paris, our neighbours will always know,” Levi continued, pushing back as best he could. “When you draw more, when people-- oh god... when people buy them and hang them and look at them, they’ll all know.” His legs felt tired from treading water so he hooked them around Nate’s waist, effectively opening himself up more for the other boy. “Please,” he begged, quiet and desperate. “Can we go back? Think I might end up drowning before I get you in me.”

With near perfect form – years of surfing certainly paid off – his body cut through the water, and he curved upwards, arms wrapping around Levi’s waist as he surfaced, shaking water out of his eyes and spraying the other as he did so. “You’re ridiculous,” he mumbled, treading water to keep them both afloat before kissing him, slow and warm, his tongue sliding easily into the other’s mouth. Levi tasted like sunshine and salt water, and Nate couldn’t help the burst of happiness twisting in his chest. “Now, all of the coast of Spain’s seen your dick. I dunno whether to be impressed or jealous.” He reached back, palming lazily at Levi’s ass under the surface of the water. “Although, I’ve already got dibs. So they can fuck off.”

They’d talked about it - a threesome in Amsterdam - and the excitement fizzled beneath Levi’s skin. “Besides,” he said, dropping one hand into the water and grabbing Nate by the wrist. Gently, but with intention, he guided Nate’s fingers to his hole, biting his lip at the first brush of fingertips. “Not like people haven’t seen my dick the world over, what with all your drawings,” and Levi leaned in, letting go of Nate’s wrist and pushing his wet fingers into Nate’s hair. “Your filthy sketches that everyone saw... that you made them see... Made sure you showed everyone what was yours, didn’t you? Wanted everyone to know what we did - what we do.” Kissing beneath Nate’s ear, he nipped at the skin, tasting salt water on his tongue. 

At Levi’s words, he smirked, eyes rolling; there was a heat pooling just underneath the surface of his skin that he knew had absolutely nothing to do with the temperature of the sun beating down on them, but there was no rush anymore, no overwhelming need to get off as quickly as possible with an urgency that could only be characterized as naively youthful. Not here, not on this trip. Whatever they wanted, they could have, and so, without preamble, Nate pulled Levi on top of him, their chests flushed against each other, pushing the other’s hair off his face with his large, broad hands. “‘m too tired,” Nate sighed, lips brushing against the Levi’s jaw. “Swimming’s so much. Effort. We’d have to get up.” He ghosted his mouth over the other’s neck. “Imagine how horrible that’d be. Can’t we just stay here, like this?”

 He was smiling, white of his teeth bright, as he ducked down and kissed Nate just once, trying to be encouraging. “C’mon, swim with me, asshole,” and Levi - with great effort - pulled himself away from Nate, tugging at Nate’s hands, trying to coax him up after him. “Think the Spaniards will mind if I go in naked?” he asked casually, hooking his thumbs into the waistband of his short, black boardshorts. “I want to get rid of his tanline before we leave.” Shrugging, Levi pushed down his pants and kicked them away across the deck so that he was standing there, naked and happy. There was something liberating about standing in a foreign country, naked, with nothing to fear but everything to gain. Without preamble, he jumped off the side of the boat, cupping his dick before he hit the water. Immediately, his hot skin cooled off, and he swam back to the surface, flicking water and hair out of his eyes. “Nate!” he yelled, splashing water with his hand uselessly at the side of the boat.

Sunset on the sea (San Sebastian), by HHappeney

Photos by Mikkel Vang

x

enzo in p l u s h

However, it was out. He couldn’t take it back, and he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to. Licking his lips, his hands covering Levi’s, he stared down at the younger boy and tried to swallow the lump in his throat, to unstick his tongue and make the words leave his lips again. “I love you,” he mumbled, so soft that Levi could miss it if he wasn’t paying attention. “I love you,” he repeated, louder this time. “I love you.”

"We’re together," Nate said firmly. "That’s what we are. You’re the one who’s coming to Paris with me next year. You’re the one I’m going to stay with for as long as you’ll have me. Just because someone else sits on my lap at a party doesn’t make any of that other stuff go away." He exhaled sharply and shoved his hands deep into his pockets, gaze locked on Levi’s as he continued. "Why is it so difficult for you to believe me when I say that I love you? Because I do, and that is never going to change.”

Levi didn't know how to comprehend that -- no one loved him. "You've never said that before," Levi said stupidly, his anger and fear pulsing in a different part of his brain now, distantly and slowly, while something new took charge -- something uncomfortable and unbearably hot sitting tight in his stomach. "You--" His words faltered, and he took a numb step toward Nate. "You do? You... feel that? For me?" he continued, searching Nate's eyes, scared to find incomprehension and completely blank eyes of someone wasted beyond belief. Levi was so desperate to believe him, to hold onto Nate, that he didn't care right then. "Say it again," he said quietly, hands fisting in the front of Nate's shirt, and the smell of alcohol hit him, making him feel even more pleasantly buzzed than he was. "Say it again and I'll believe you," and Levi's hands shook just slightly, not sure if he wanted it to be real or not -- not sure if this was the best or worst thing to happen to them.