we are the greatest pretenders

“I went through hell to find you,” Levi told him, starting to slowly fuck Nate with his fingers again, continuing to open him up while search for his prostate. “Red’s for struggle and pain and sacrifice, and I know you’ve felt it, too,” he said, dark eyes darting up to Nate’s for a moment as he spread the red paint across Nate’s shoulders, where the weight of the world would have sat. “Stronger together than we are apart - the heaven just on this side of hell.” Levi leaned down and kissed him again, hoping that Nate understood - that all of it, everything they’ve done - was worth it because they’d found each other. His fingers found Nate’s prostate, brushing against it lightly but with intention, smiling at the reaction it pulled from the man beneath him. “Gonna fuck you now, yeah?” Levi murmured, hand curling around Nate’s neck and up to cup his jaw. “You ready?” And he paused, fingers still moving inside of Nate but he made the moment stand still so that Nae could genuinely answer - Levi didn’t want to push for it, to do something that Nate wasn’t ready to do.

The I love you that fell so easily and effortlessly from Levi’s lips made Nate’s breath catch in his chest, and he pulled the other down for a hot, open mouthed kiss, unable to stop himself. It had taken them both so long to own up to the depth of their feelings, after years and years of staunchly pretending that they were just friends who fucked around, and now that they were both acutely aware of the fact that this was and always had been love -- be it romantic, platonic, or something deeper than both combined -- Nate couldn’t get enough of the words. He’d come before from a well timed I love you out of Levi’s lips, and he wasn’t even ashamed of it. “I wouldn’t have had it any other way,” he mumbled, breathless, lips tracing down the hollow of his throat and sucking sharply at the base of his neck, leaving an angry red mark on his tanned skin that just screamed mine, you’re all mine. “I love our history. I love every fucking second of it. Even if I didn’t love it then, I love it now because all of it lead to right here and right now, and it lead to us.” He reached up, carding a hand through Levi’s paint smeared hair, his calloused fingers infinitely gentle as he murmured, “I love you and all of your broken bits because they fit so perfectly with mine.”

Elbowing Nate’s legs wider, Levi bit his lip as he circled his index finger around Nate, dipping in for just a second before withdrawing. “You better be painting,” he said, glancing up as he took the head of Nate’s cock in his mouth just as he slid one finger inside of him. The suddenness of both actions, he hoped, would distract Nate from the stretch that he was about to undergo. A rhythm was easy to work up, bobbing his head as he worked one - then two - slick fingers inside Nate, scissoring them slightly when he was sure that Nate was ready for it. He wondered if he could do three - three would make the actual sex part easier -  so Levi pulled off Nate’s cock and, kissing his thighs, took a second to catch his breath as he continued to pump his fingers in and out of Nate. “I want you to put your hands in green now, babe,” Levi called, eyes flicking up to make sure Nate did it, pressing a third finger beside the first two and watching for any negative reaction. “Want your hands coated, want to see the colours, yeah?”

Breath hitching, the muscles of his abdomen straining taut as he did his best to hold his hips in place -- with Levi’s help, of course -- Nate reached over to smear blue paint all over his palms. “You’re going to get this in your hair, I hope you realize,” he said, wiping off some of the excess paint on the edge of the jar. “Not exactly your best-- plan.” His voice broke at the sensation of Levi’s tongue on his cock, and he hissed out a sharp breath, his hand smearing paint along the smooth skin of Levi’s back as his legs were nudged apart. He saw fucking stars when Levi took him down and spread him open all at once, and he couldn’t help himself from crying out, a breathless, broken noise as his hand slammed back against the canvas, curling around the edge and smearing paint over the bottom half of the empty space as Levi kept going.

He kissed him for a moment longer, taking his time to lick his way into Nate’s mouth, before pulling back. “Stay right here,” he said, feeling somewhat important and confident now that he was in charge, and moved to lay the canvas out on the deck. Next, he uncapped the paint tins and stood them side by side in a row, offering their colours up freely. Then, he ducked back into the cabin and grabbed the small case where they kept lube and condoms. Chucking it onto the canvas, Levi returned to Nate, grinning. “You sure? We don’t have to, but–” Levi pulled Nate off the arm rest an against him. “I’ll make it good, I promise. Open you up, nice and slow, first,” he said, walking them over to the canvas, “then when you think you’ll come from just my fingers, I’ll fuck you. You just need to promise me that if anything hurts or you’re uncomfortable that you let me know, yeah? Want to take care of you,” he said, suddenly on the other side of the relationship as he tugged Nate onto the deck where the canvas sat. There were several ways he could get Nate open - some that seemed more convenient than others - but if it was Nate’s first time, he wanted it to be good. Pushing Nate back with one hand, Levi told him to lie on his back, and only when he had done so did Levi lay on his stomach and, after pulling off Nate’s shorts, ghosted his fingers - then his lips - around Nate’s flushed dick. “Gonna make you feel good,” he said, seeing Nate over the expanse of Nate’s chest, “just relax.” He’d done this before - opened Nate up with his fingers and tongue, but now there was intent behind it; a meaning and an outcome that they were driving toward, and he didn’t hesitate before pressing his tongue - flat and broad - to Nate’s hole, listening out for the noises the other boy made.

Levi always had a commanding streak to him, one that demanded attention and all eyes trained on him, and Nate loved it -- especially when it was directed at him. Although he was broader and larger than Levi, he was also more passive and more docile, and the juxtaposition of their sizes and their temperaments-- Nate lived for it. “I trust you,” he said, simple and sure, kissing Levi chastely before lying back as he was told, letting his body relax with the knowledge that Levi was going to take care of him and that he trusted the younger boy to do so. A breathless gasp shivered through him at the sudden attention to his dick, hard and desperate, and he did what he could to keep his hips from chasing after the feeling. “Lev,” he mumbled, voice shaking. “Don’t-- don’t tease. It’s not fair.” He knew better than to think the other would listen, but he had to at least try. His self preservation instincts weren’t that horrible.

Kissing Nate just once before pulling apart, Levi started to swim to the boat, making sure Nate was following. He felt no embarrassment as he hauled himself up onto the ladder and back onto the boat, his arse on show for the entire Spanish coast; he just hoped that Nate was watching. Levi grabbed two towels that sat by the ladder and wrapped one around himself, though he could already feel the sun’s heat drying the beads of water that dripped from his hair. When he saw Nate, Levi handed him the towel, but his eyes were already on Nate’s body, drinking in the sight of his broad chest and tan skin, making him feel a jolt of attraction and lust. “Paint’s in here,” Levi said, tearing his eyes away from Nate as he walked into the cabin. He’d put some art supplies on the boat a few days prior, always wanting to be prepared in case inspiration struck. Grabbing a roll of thick canvas, Levi handed it to Nate before he grabbed some of the paint, hauling it out onto the deck. “What do you want to do?” asked Levi, feeling slightly shy, almost, as he stood there with his towel low on his hips and hard dick more than obvious beneath it. He was practically vibrating with need for Nate to touch him, but he didn’t want to distract Nate if he had a plan, so he kept his hands to himself, though shifting closer to Nate and looking up at him. “You want to fuck me on the canvas?” Levi suggested, stomach coiling with need. “Take me apart and create something new on it?”

Once they were back on the boat, Nate toweled off his hair before tossing the white fabric away, biting his lip as he watched Levi. Everything in him wanted to crowd into the other’s space, to tip him over and pin him to the yacht’s wooden flooring, but he waited as patiently as he could for Levi to fetch the paint and the canvas. The outline of the other’s dick was obscene, clearly visible through the flimsy towel, and it made Nate’s mouth dry where he leaned against the arm of one of the fancy couches, all of his attention focused on that rather than what, exactly, Levi was saying. “I wanna leave handprints all over you and take pictures of you in the sunset while I fuck you,” Nate mumbled, pulling the other close to him by the knot in his towel keeping it snug on his hips. “But-- um. I kind of-- Um. I kind of want you to fuck me on the canvas.” The words left his lips before he realized what he was saying, but that didn’t make them any less true, and he glanced up at Levi through his eyelashes, his cheeks tipped pink. It was the first time he’d asked for something like this, the first time he’d ever wanted anyone to fuck him, and that needed to be commemorated somewhere. He couldn’t think of any place better than a canvas. “Paint me and-- make me yours. You were always better with acrylics anyways.”

“That’s– that’s great,” Levi said, licking his lips and trying to focus. This was what he’d wanted, after all. “Not that you need the money, but the exposure will be– fuck– will be good. Get your name out there.” He couldn’t help himself from panting slightly in Nate’s ear, dick hard against Nate’s hip as he held the other close. “If you fuck me on the boat, I’ll be loud enough so that everyone will know how good you make me feel,” he said, and it was a promise. “When we get to Paris, our neighbours will always know,” Levi continued, pushing back as best he could. “When you draw more, when people– oh god… when people buy them and hang them and look at them, they’ll all know.” His legs felt tired from treading water so he hooked them around Nate’s waist, effectively opening himself up more for the other boy. “Please,” he begged, quiet and desperate. “Can we go back? Think I might end up drowning before I get you in me.”

“You’re not going to let me enjoy the water?” Nate pouted, doing his utmost to keep his breathing even and his voice normal, even though the physical strain of keeping them both afloat and fingering Levi open was starting to take its toll. His thighs burned from the effort of treading water, but he honestly didn’t mind. The breathless, desperate way Levi’s voice hitched when he spoke was more than enough of a reward. “It was your idea to get in, Levi,” he said, eyes glimmering wickedly as he scissored his fingers in and out of the other, crooking his wrist just so in order to get the angle that almost always reduced Levi to an incoherent mess. After years and years of access to Levi’s body, it was almost muscle memory to get Levi off, but that didn’t mean he didn’t love it each and every time. “What if I wanted to go for a swim?”

They’d talked about it - a threesome in Amsterdam - and the excitement fizzled beneath Levi’s skin. “Besides,” he said, dropping one hand into the water and grabbing Nate by the wrist. Gently, but with intention, he guided Nate’s fingers to his hole, biting his lip at the first brush of fingertips. “Not like people haven’t seen my dick the world over, what with all your drawings,” and Levi leaned in, letting go of Nate’s wrist and pushing his wet fingers into Nate’s hair. “Your filthy sketches that everyone saw… that you made them see… Made sure you showed everyone what was yours, didn’t you? Wanted everyone to know what we did - what we do.” Kissing beneath Nate’s ear, he nipped at the skin, tasting salt water on his tongue.

“Amsterdam’s a month away,” Nate said, shrugging off the comment and the small twist of something in the pit of his stomach. “We’ve got plenty of time, and I don’t think we’ve ever met a flat surface we didn’t like.” He let Levi guide his hand towards his hole, a shiver thrilling its way down his spine at how public all of this was. A few hundred feet away from them was a small fishing boat, and they were definitely visible from the docs, and-- Nate didn’t care at all. One long finger drew a teasing circle around Levi’s hole before pushing inside in a smooth motion, stopping only once his finger was buried inside the other all the way to the knuckle.

He was smiling, white of his teeth bright, as he ducked down and kissed Nate just once, trying to be encouraging. “C’mon, swim with me, asshole,” and Levi - with great effort - pulled himself away from Nate, tugging at Nate’s hands, trying to coax him up after him. “Think the Spaniards will mind if I go in naked?” he asked casually, hooking his thumbs into the waistband of his short, black boardshorts. “I want to get rid of his tanline before we leave.” Shrugging, Levi pushed down his pants and kicked them away across the deck so that he was standing there, naked and happy. There was something liberating about standing in a foreign country, naked, with nothing to fear but everything to gain. Without preamble, he jumped off the side of the boat, cupping his dick before he hit the water. Immediately, his hot skin cooled off, and he swam back to the surface, flicking water and hair out of his eyes. “Nate!” he yelled, splashing water with his hand uselessly at the side of the boat.

Nate opened his mouth to protest more, to make an argument as to why staying exactly where they were was the smartest course of action, but then boardshorts were coming off, and Levi was jumping off the side of the yacht. Immediately, Nate rushed to the edge of the boat, heart racing as he searched the water for Levi, exhaling only when he saw the other’s head bobbing above the surface and heard his name echoing from the blue depths. “You’re insane,” Nate called back, shaking his head, his pulse still too quick for his liking. “You could’ve-- hit your head on the boat or gotten eaten by a shark or something.” Were there even sharks in Spain? Exasperatedly, he kicked off his flip flops -- decisively leaving his swimming trunks on -- and climbed down to one of the lower levels of the yacht, where it was, presumably, safer to jump in, before following the other’s lead and diving in.

Every inch of Levi’s skin was warm, and as he pulled his arm away from where it had been draped over his eyes, he had to squint. Even with dark-tinted sunglasses on, the Spanish sun was bright - much brighter than Levi would have been used to a few short months ago. But, he’d been exposed to more of the elements in the last few weeks than he had in his entire life. Travelling across Europe had been one of the best decisions he’d ever made: breaking free from Heathfield was something that he’d needed to do for a while, but always felt compelled to refrain from, for his mother’s sake. Rolling his head to look at his side, Levi saw miles of golden skin and the gentle rise and fall of Nate’s chest, and smiled. Nate was the reason he’d left, choosing to instead follow what was for his own good, because that’s what his mother would have actually wanted.

“I feel like I’m genuinely starting to burn inside,” he grumbled to Nate, rolling over so that he was curled into Nate’s side. To the touch, Nate’s skin was hot, too - golden from weeks of sun and heat, and beneath it, firm muscle that made Levi’s mouth dry. “Come in the water?” He pouted up at Nate before tacking on a “please?” 

Love.

This was fine. This was okay. Levi knew he could live through what was coming — hadn’t he experienced worse? Hadn’t he seen his mother die a little every day? He tried to remember that as he stared at the hard lines of Nate’s back and shoulders under his shirt. What was being dumped compared to that? Who was Nate in the grand scheme of things?

The truth was that Nate was everything compared to the rest of the world — even now that Levi could feel his heart steeling and building up its walls, preparing for the worst, he knew he wouldn’t be alright if Nate left him. Levi had taken a chance, however hesitantly, by being with Nate, and now the seed of doubt he’d had when he’d kissed him on the beach was growing, consuming him entirely. He was stupid — so stupid — to think that he was actually meant to have this thing, whatever it was, work out.

Someone was sitting on Nate’s lap, the place that he’d just vacated: thin, dark hair, feminine. It didn’t take a genius to put it together and work out that it was Nicole perched there, and though Levi tried to hold himself together and reason that he was fine, he knew that he wasn’t. He watched as Nate put his hand on her hip, and suddenly the plastic cup of beer he was holding had slopped down his hand, drenching the table in the spilled alcohol. Looking back, he saw the plastic cup was crushed in his hand, and he tossed it away before grabbing another forcefully, making half the liquid slosh out the sides.

"I'm just going to go, then," Nicole said, eyebrows raised at Nate as she extricated herself from his lap. Kissing both of his cheeks in farewell, she drifted back onto the dance floor, leaving Nate and Levi alone.

It was obvious to Nate what motivated Levi's words, but what he didn't understand was why. Nate had made it perfectly clear how he felt about the younger boy. They would be living together in a few short weeks, and if that didn't signify commitment and emotional attachment, he didn't know what did. But, regardless, there was something wrong, some sort of lack of communication if Levi still thought he had to compete for Nate's affection.