DEAR GOD

Dear God, 

Thank you fro the spring-like weather today after a week of hectic wind, snow, ice rain, and freaky weather fluctuations. D helped me re-string my guitar today and it just looks and sounds so fresh! I'm very excited to get started with my playing.

Yesterday was also a great day - I did my interview, and bought some art supplies. I met up with an old friend and had a nice evening just hanging out without thinking too much about M and his problems. I also followed up with M to find out Dr. K is willing to fund his residency! That is crazy, regardless of whether things work out. I now believe there are truly good individuals out there. It has definitely given me some faith in humanity.

Thank you for showing me that there is still some good left in the world and that there are things still worth being hopeful for.

Dear God,

I'm getting that feeling again. The sense that I bet on the wrong horse. A sense of defeat. The feeling one gets after gambling away one's life savings. I feel I've given everything I have into this one person's life - to make it better, show him love and do whatever I can to be a shoulder, an ear, an open mind.

But what has that left me with? 

The only things that cheer me up now is Pandora's amazing predictability powers and the power of technology streaming me some comedic T.V. shows. I would give away anything for Andrew to match, be happy to graduate and attend his own convocation celebrating the completion of his medical education.

It hurts me to see him depressed and low in spirit. Is this your sick test of my faith? Is this your way to show yourself to him? Am I supposed to bow down before you because you have taken everything away from the one and only person I bother praying for?

Dear God,

Why must you keep failing me? I am okay with you make my life miserable. But why make his life miserable too? 

Especially when I'm trying to teach lessons of hope, love and patience. How am I supposed to teach him about You now? 

Dear God,

You know you saved me from myself

Getting into law school

Andrew being good with children

Good weather for today's famjam BBQ

Dear God,

Thank you for giving me technology. 

I really am freakin lucky. With technology on my side, I get to speak with Andrew every night before I sleep. If I wanted to, I could see him the first thing I wake up too. But usually I'm too busy getting ready to go out to do that. 

I remember one day last year I texted Andrew to ask him why he never texts me. The next day he sent me a text, just to say "this is me texting you first". I remember the times when I was afraid that one day he'll stop replying me, picking up my calls, and showing up. But now he is FaceTime-ing me and even from across a screen can tell when I'm having a bad day and catch words I almost let myself say - like "bro".

Dear God,

Dear Zixi,

Thank you for asking me what was wrong, pulling the story out of me, telling me I'm stupid, and then comfort me about my insecurities.

Thank you for coming over and dancing with me when this song came on.

Another great weekend in London - this time, the long weekend. So much to be thankful for, including the hearty leg of lamb Andrew prepared for me all day before I arrived. There were many things about this weekend to be thankful for besides the food.

Made some new friends on Canada Day. Gained some insights on movie concession stands and the dirty work involved at the theaters.

Good deal @ Sleep Country for Andrew's new mattress. Our friend "Al" bundled in some pillows and covers that hopefully will improve quality of sleep :)

Even a few hours at the Home Depot was more enjoyable than usual. Picking (but not buying) drapes, and following Andrew around up and down different aisles although was tiring, was enjoyable because it really was like a new world to me.

I've always missed just walking around with Andrew. Even though it was pouring on Saturday. We just missed the heavy storm, but made it out in time to catch a beautiful orange sky as we walked to Gozen for dinner.

I can't believe how terrible I've been at keeping up with my gratitude journal. So much has happened since I returned to Canada that once I fell a few days behind, I just didn't have the discipline to catch up. But there has been so much to be happy and thankful for since my return.

First visit back to London was swell. I know I wouldn't shut up about how you gave my flowers away, but really, I just wanted to keep talking about the flowers :P Thank you for ordering sweet potato fries for yourself so I could steal some, buying me a sweater so I don't have to keep stealing yours, and letting me press the button. But most of all, taking the time out of studying to take care of me.

My father was given a brand new BBQ, which is sitting on the porch and used almost every week! As a result, we bought a brand new set of patio furniture and have invited many members of our family to enjoy a quick dinner and lunch on the grill!

A dangerous accident turned out to be a funny lesson learned. After fishing, a deer ran into my father's car, consequently totalling the vehicle. Luckily, no one was hurt and we even got more money than we had expected! After a very funny duet performance of As the Deer at the church talent show, we now have a new car and a funny story to tell our friends.

"Artiste Interior": a new term I coined for one of my bestest friends. What would I do without you? One of the first people I made sure to see when I came back home, and one whose company I always enjoy. Thank you for knowing me so well and buying me a present for "finally having a boyfriend who is not a douchebag" (really, that's what he called it). 

Blended Strawberry Lemonade = my new favourite drink @ Starbucks

A BIG woohoo! for the long weekend. Going into London tomorrow and super stoked. Andrew claims I will only be eating liver all weekend and my first reaction was "I do not want to eat liver." But no matter how unpalatable it is, I will eat every scrap. Mainly because I will eat anything (when I'm hungry), but also because he cooked it. Of course, if you would prefer we just use my Groupon @ Gozen, I will gladly comply :)

After an eventful week with Ryan's visit, I must say I have lots to be thankful for.

Daisy and Harm's hospitality has been overwhelming. They drove over to my apartment last night at 10:30pm to pick up 2 of my suitcases because I will be heading off to Spain. I can't believe it's already been 4 months. I don't know what I would have done without their local guidance!

Ryan and Ernest. The life of my parties haha. They were great company in Amsterdam and Ernest was ballsy enough to participate in a particular theatrical performance with me.

Ryan and Ernest. For being my lifesavers. Taking care of me drunk has never been an easy task mainly because I am all over the place. So far, only Amanda and Andrew have been able to really "manage" me. Big ups to the boys last night for putting through with my puking and carrying me home. I am forever grateful I did not wake up in the streets this morning.

Andrew. This morning would have been so much easier if he was around. I miss drinking fizzy water and building towers.

It's not very difficult to guess that today's gratitude jrnl will focus on my mom. Growing up being a "wanna-be" independent gal (because no matter how much I'd like to think I'm not, I actually quite a dependent person), I often neglected a lot of things my mother has done for me. But with the past 4 months I've spent away, there were many times I miss going home on the weekends and even arguing with my mom.

Putting up with all my petty tantrums, violent tantrums, unreasonable tantrums, etc.

Taking the time to remember all of my friends' names, their respective boyfriends and girlfriends, and "their deal"

Owning great clothes from the 80's that I can reuse, and thank goodness for the petite frame we both share

Driving me around to skating practice, piano lessons, art lessons, dance class, birthday parties, so-and-so's house, Sunnybrook, tennis practice, band practice, volleyball practice, basketball practice, the movies, the mall, track practice, swimming lessons, student council meetings, York Central, the library, Finch Station, interviews, and all the places I am too chicken to drive myself to.

The past few days have been less eventful. Apparently it was Memorial Day on Thursday and the school was closed. School took place at the Hub, which I was not impressed with at all. But that's not what this is about. I've been slacking, but I'll pick 5 things I'm grateful for the past few days.

Belgium Chocolates are really amazing sweets I have the luxury of tasting. I've had the blessing to visit a whole bunch of countries on this exchange and I'm grateful that I've survived and was given the opportunity. 

I have continued with my goal to have lunch with someone from the exchange group before I leave. I've touched on basically everyone I really know. Feels good!

It's been 3 weeks since I checked on Jane Turner's profile. Today I checked and didn't even go through everything before I stopped, took a deep breath and walked away. (Well, clicked away.) Don't know if this counts as something I'm grateful for. But hey, at least after all these months of creeping-near-stalking I haven't found anything.

I don't know if this is repeating, but money in my bank account and food in my fridge. Living here in Rotterdam, there really isn't much more I need.

Great time at sushi with Marcos, Andre and Magne today. Even though it is nothing compared to Toronto and Vancouver, I do miss the salmon, unagi and miso soup. Yes, I broke my carb-/sugar-free diet today, but it was worth it.

Checked my bank account today and still have plenty left for my remaining 31 days left in Europe.

Started my photo essay for my Companies in Ecologies class and really getting good momentum on it!

Got some great bargains at the Blaak Market today at closing. No more grocery shopping for the next 2 weeks! Sweeet.

What an eventful weekend! First the Royal Wedding in London, England and then Queen's Day in Amsterdam. To be honest, I really did not get to see everything I wanted to in London, but it was enough. I was one of the crazy people camping outside Buckingham Palace on Friday night and it really was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. 

Thankful for having friends who were crazy enough to pull me out to Buckingham Palace at 1am to wait for the Prince and Princess.

Thankful that I have shelter over my head and that sleeping on concrete in the ice cold night is not a regular activity on my agenda.

Thankful for a boyfriend who helped me move everything I left behind in my house in fake London. This included 2 desks, my bed, bedside drawer, coat rack, some clothes, mop, house alarm and some binders from who-knows-what and I'm sure there were more miscellaneous things as well. My roommate's mom told him I am very lucky to have him. I am. 

Thankful for the warm bed I am about to jump into and SLEEP. Gosh it feelts good.