#poly solutions

Like, all three of them should kiss actually

On Etsy you can find lockets which hold 4/5/7 photos which are meant for families but are actually super romantic for poly folks. (I've been swooning over the clover shaped one for a bit)

You can look up "puzzle necklaces" and find ones where everyone gets their own diamond as part of a circle, or even hearts broken into even more bits. Or even just traditional puzzle shapes.

There's also "family ring sets" where each member of a family gets a thin ring with everyone else's birthstones (they also do necklaces like this).

You can also look into "friend group" gifts. They market stuff that way because it sells and is less off putting to normies but plenty of poly people take advantage of that sort of thing.

Personally I also just like the idea of getting matching orange slice necklaces or something.

SO true bestie!! 💛 I actually thought of the necklaces thing myself but was saving it for another post 😅

Family sets in general are a really good idea, and can apply to SO many things. Family jewelry and photo frames like you said, I've seen family birthday calendars that are adorable and could also be used to track anniversaries as well as birthdays, family PJs.... the list goes on!

Also probably a good time to put the poly merch post I made awhile back on people's radar. It's more like, poly flag 💙💖🖤stuff than group gifts, but it's all made by reputable small artist shops and it's not just dropshipped (cough cough, why did Etsy go to wolves like this smh😑)

Looking online can get you much better results for this type of thing, but I was focused on things I knew people would be able to find at a store near them, because "well, buy it online" seemed so obvious and I don't like to promote Amazon crap anyway, when I can avoid it.

Being inherently emotionally mono leaning until my first poly relationship fell in my lap unexpectedly, there have been many disagreements because I just. didn't. get. it. “What do you mean XYZ? How is ABC even possible? I'm supposed to just QRS what?” 

You see, his first “official” poly girlfriend was toxic. Not just to him. Not just to me. But to us. She wasn’t out for more love, she was out for HIS love.. All of it, without me. He and I were new to poly. I was reeling. I was told by our poly friends and by books & websites they suggested: “You have to let him be poly. You have no say in the matter. You can’t tell him no about any of it.” So she would ask him for something and HE would say no, or say not yet, and she would come to me and ask me, knowing that I was under the impression that I couldn't say no, ever. 

I didn’t know about boundaries. I didn’t know how to properly distinguish or request the necessity between her time (always) and my time (when I lost my shit). And to be fair he didn’t either and he was so caught up in NRE (which was and still is beautiful on him) that he didn’t even realize that she was coming to me to ask for things he said to wait on. He just heard me say, “Hey, why don’t you go ahead and….” and thought it was just me being more giving, just to see him happy. 

After even more pushing from her, specifically trying to push the one and only boundary I had even though I didn’t know they existed, I came to a point where I felt I had to leave. I couldn’t be a part of it anymore. And I did it in a horrible way. I gave him an ultimatum of me and our family, or her, Boo! Hiss! I KNOW!!! It’s horrible looking back. But he took it and we communicated (loudly and badly) until we realized most of the things that had happened, happened specifically because she refused to take it slow, accept no, or just wait for any amount of time when either of us asked for it. It hurt him that his relationship was over. It hurt me that he was hurt. But we both realized that if it continued, we were letting her do what she seem to have planned, and that was tear us apart.

I was burned bad by poly. No, i was burned bad by that specific poly experience, and I didn’t have the foggiest idea what to do about it. It took me to a very dark place inside a depression and anxiety problem I already had. So we came to the conclusion: no poly. It was too much for me to handle. He loved me and did not want to ever see me in that much pain again. No matter how much pain it caused him. He was gonna keep it locked up and if he ever felt that way about anyone again (“crushing”) we’d gently ease away from that person.

But I knew that it was a part of him. He knew it was a part of him. But for over 5 years we were at this standstill. We still loved each other, but we didn’t LOVE each other. We cared about each other, but we weren’t caring TO each other. We were going through the motions. Him waiting on me to give in and resenting me for making him choose. And me waiting for the other shoe to drop, a new crush to arrive, and that pain to start all over again. No one knew. No one saw. We apparently internalize amazingly.

During that time, I read. I read. I read and read and read. And I read some more.

About 3 years after the break up, he, without malice or knowledge, developed a new crush on a swinger friend. One day, I asked him if he had a crush. And he said no because to him he didn’t. He wasn’t allowed to. He couldn’t. So he didn’t. I took him at his word. Determined to trust him, nothing changed. We’re swingers. He had favorite play partners (don’t we all?) and that was it. 

Until one evening about 2 years later while hanging out, it hit him like a ton of bricks - he DID like her - a lot. But he squished it down and went about business as usual… for about 5 hours until I saw the look on his face while he was staring at her. (He’s one of those guys, at least to me. I can read his face like a book.) We were out with friends. I asked quietly. He denied. During the ride home, I brought it up again. He begrudgingly told me all about it. He told me how hard he had tried, so hard that he didn’t even realize he cared for her, and that he just couldn’t try any longer.

Discussions, disagreements, and arguments happened for days, weeks... but I knew that there was no turning back. I couldn’t stop him from being him. I read more, and more, and more. I told him it was up to him. He just wanted, maybe needed, to hear me say that I was okay with him pursuing a relationship with this woman he really cared for. I couldn’t say it. I still didn’t want it. I just wanted him to do what he needed to do. I finally came to him with. “This is your decision. Emotionally, mentally, I can't give you my "blessing" to love someone else - my brain won't work that way, but I can give you my blessing to be you... whatever it takes to make you happy. I'll deal with me.”

Even that was hard for him, and he continued to wait for me to say it was ok. It was hard for me for me as well, it took all my emotional strength to say as much as I did to him, but once I gave my heart that power over the brain that didn't get it, things got easier for me. That made it easier for him. 

His crush went through some personal things. We, as long-time friends were asked to help her. He decided to not pursue anything until she was ready. And I got to know her more. And I fell for her too...and she for both of us. Organically. Quickly, but without rush. Without asking. Without.. Anything.. Talk about one very open, very loving, very giving man being overfilled with love and a passion for everything he hoped life could be. <3

But even while we were in our triad, I had disagreements with myself. My emotionally monogamous brain going.. “HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND!?!! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS?!?!” was something I had to deal with internally so frequently. It was like I accepted he could love her and me. And she could love him and me and them, but I my brain still said I couldn't love him AND her. 

Yet when that relationship ended nearly a year later, over a year ago it hurt. It still hurts. That relationship I never wanted.. that relationship that just fell into my life, and turned everything I thought I knew about love upside down… that relationship that was everything I never knew I wanted... that still makes me think about, “IS okay for ME to be polyamorous?” No matter how hard I loved, I worried.

I'm here to tell you that having an internal disagreement with your monogamous brain of now 40+ years is harder than your monogamous spouse of then 10 years coming to you to say they're poly. Them coming to you may FEEL like the hard part - the hardest thing that will ever happen to you, but the hard part is redirecting your brain away from ingrained societal standards of “one love”. We’re not hobbits, love isn’t a ring, and we can have all we want, and so can our lovers!! We just have to convince ourselves… THAT is the hard part.

So I’ve kept reading. I still read. I read everything I can find about polyamory. The good, the bad, the ugly, the enlightened… and now I write also. 

But even now, when I get asked "Oh, you're poly?" my brain goes “WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!?” faster than my mouth says, "Yes, but not actively."

Yours,

PS. Oh yeah, and I really WAS @mono2hispoly, on tumblr, a loooong time ago. Don’t hold anything I said there against me. I haven’t been back in years. <3

Hunny: "Starbucks AND chicken tendies? I thought you felt bad about him buying you things?"

Me: "Well I finally got his number."

Hunny: *knowing this is cuz I plan on making bread to bring in for this guy, to cover my guilt over him buying me things* "Oh, yeah."

Me: "We're doing things a lil backwards. He's been buying me food, & I finally got his number." 💪😎