Majestics/Euro Team Headcanons based only on my stereotype knowledge of Europe
We donât talk about where his wealth came from. We just donât. You will be banished to the death dungeon in the basement. We also donât talk about where the death dungeon came from. Or grandpa. We donât talk about grandpa.
Low key a lot of fun when drunk but very picky about beer. Will only drink what he deems to be âgoodâ beer. Gets wasted during Oktoberfest then blackmails his teammates to not post pictures. Does not always work, please donât google him.
Law abiding. The absolute most unrealistic part of G Rev is the idea of a German not immediately telling officials that a team is cheating. No way. This guy would be up in arms if he saw one of them so much as throwing the recycling in the wrong bin, which should be a crime.
Diet consists almost exclusively of carbs. Worships olive oil almost as much as the Catholic Church. Absolutely does NOT practice what he preaches and is normally speaking to at least four women at one time. He keeps their names and identifying information in a notebook so he doesnât get them mixed up. Thinks he has way more sex appeal than he actually does. Not a real blond.
Talks like Mario and cannot communicate if his hands are not in motion. Originally used âMamma Miaâ ironically but now canât stop. Instead of yelling when mad he just starts praying out loud in very angry Italian, teammates are past the point of questioning this.
Only wears speedos to the beach and constantly makes that everyone elseâs problem. Will absolutely tan nude, though. Claims he doesnât need sun screen because he doesnât burn, he just tans. Told constantly that going to the beach is not the same as bathing, pretends his hygiene is worse than it actually is because he doesnât wanna admit that he just sweats a lot. Must reapply deodorant every three hours at minimum.
Chain smoker, gives his team no choice other than to deal with it. They tried making him quit once and they all decided that having him stink up the tour bus was better than dealing with Oliver going through withdrawal. He is the reason they drink but at least he has good wine. Fights with Enrique over what country âgood wineâ comes from.
Speaks English fluently but refuses to use it when with the Americans, thatâs if he acknowledges them at all. Makes snarky side comments and acts like heâs just âbeing honestâ. Kid just doesnât fucking stop, only Frenchman in the world to do the OPPOSITE of surrendering, but they still joke that his scarf is just an emergency white flag.
Brags about culinary skills, artistic skills and language skills but cannot pronounce the letter R to save his life. Sometimes says âOoh la laâ but not the way one would expect. Less likely to be used in excitement and more likely to be used because Johnny left his dirty dishes in the sink.
Huge pet peeve of being called Johnathan. John comes from the Bible and isnât short for anything, itâs just John ya fucks. Also wonât tolerate anyone making fun of his kilt ITS NOT A FUCKING SKIRT, ENRIQUE!
Loves battered haggis. Actually, loves anything battered. Battered and dropped in the deep fat fryer. Teammates absolutely refuse to eat anything this kid cooks or allow him to store anything in the fridge, which is saying a lot because thatâs where Oliver keeps the deep fried frog legs and snails. Hisses and runs away at the idea of fruits or vegetables.
It took his team about a year to realize he was speaking English, they still canât understand a word he says but they pretend they can. Extremely short tempered, especially when mistaken for a Brit. Will absolutely fuck your shit up if you call him British, will feel none of your attacks because heâs too drunk. Team has no idea what his personality is like sober.
