me & my messy BPD

My attachment to you came with a vengeance that I wasn’t prepared for. The worst infatuation I’ve ever gotten myself into. Unexpected and relentless. Attracted to the empty parts of your soul that smiled at me and lured me in without hesitation. Drawn to your sadness and innocence before I had a chance to recognize what was happening. Suffocated by the sound of your voice and the perfection of your fragility. Enticed and jealous that you were his and that your soul belonged to him. We trapped ourselves into a battlefield for his love and somewhere in between we accidentally created our own. I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand what your intentions were with me. I think we were both hooked on the adrenaline of the pain. The curiosity of why we couldn’t seem to get away from each other. The satisfaction of knowing that it hurt him when we were knowingly getting ourselves into a situation that we shouldn’t have. I allowed myself to be used by you in every way that you needed even if it didn’t benefit me. Through your mixed signals and half answers I drove myself insane trying to understand what it was that you wanted from me. We got lost in a game of unsure feelings and confusion. I always knew it would end and you would stay latched onto him. I never blamed you for that, I once loved him as much as you do and I would’ve done anything to satisfy him. I always understood your love for him and I knew that I wasn’t a permanent person in your life. I’ve come to realize how much he lied and manipulated us into his own narcissistic game. I think he enjoyed loving us both simultaneously on his terms. The terrible way he treated you pushed me towards you even more. I would listen as he spit on your name and spewed out his toxic opinions on who you were and on who he wanted you to be. I would listen with sadness as he told me that he would never love you the way he loved me. I would sit there and wonder how he could feel those things towards someone as beautiful as you. How ungrateful he was of your love when I would’ve died for it. How hateful he was towards you when I was so willing to love you fully. I understand now that he did to me as well, and when he was with you he said the same hateful things. I try not to hold resentment towards you anymore, I don’t see the point in it. We were both just neglected playthings that he loved to hurt. I’m sorry for the damage I allowed myself to cause by getting intertwined with the both of you. I should’ve stepped away and given you the respect of having him to yourself. I’m sorry I wasn’t capable of doing those things at that time. I reflect on our toxic entanglement and I save the genuine moments for both of us. You were temporary but significant and I fell hopelessly in love with you just as quickly as I fell out of it. A fling of emotion that has affected me for way longer then I can admit to myself. I don’t think about you often but when I do I’ll send positivity towards you and hope that you get everything that you desire. You deserve the world and I hope he has been giving that to you.

I always wonder if my name crosses your mind as often as yours crosses mine. Such a beautiful friendship that ended in disaster. Torn apart by miscommunications, overstepped boundaries and disloyalties from both parties. Two emotionally stunted individuals that couldn’t figure out how to maintain the relationship. A trauma bond that had no way of being repaired or mended. It saddens me to look back on all of those memories and it shocks me when I realize how short of a time period it lasted. A short but intense connection that I can’t seem to forget. When my mind gets the best of me I guiltily look at your new experiences and your changed appearance and your newfound reflection of yourself. It brings me happiness to know that you’ve freed yourself from the shackles of judgement in order to blossom into the beautiful creature that goes by Blake. So enticing and so gorgeous. I love that you’ve found a path into the world that you genuinely enjoy. I look back on this damaged soul that I used to know and my body aches with guilt. If only we were who we are now, back then. Self aware & self accountable for actions that have caused pain to others with a motivation to be better then our mental illnesses allow us to be. There’s times that I miss you so much it’s a physical pain. When a song comes onto my Spotify shuffle that was specifically yours, I force myself to skip through it so I don’t have to relive the memory. Maybe I was never as important to you as you were to me and I’m sorry if I wasn’t able to portray how much you meant to me when you needed to see it. I get flashes of the last night I remember seeing you and my heart aches from guilt. For some reason our friendship was always a hit or miss and I always seemed to miss. We are both such withdrawn characters but somehow still so open, just not in the right ways. I wish I had the courage to be honest with you and express what bothered me and expressed the thoughts that were so toxic I couldn’t ever bring myself to admit them out loud. Between a mixture of jealousy, irrational attachment & a need for your approval, I fell into a hole of dislike for you that seemed to appear out of nowhere. I realize now that it wasn’t a valid emotion and maybe if I would’ve been honest with myself then I could’ve prevented the decline and saved you from another abandonment. I feel guilty and angry at myself for blocking your number only to find a message from you six months later when you were in a situation and you needed my help. I wish I would’ve seen them at the right time so I could’ve been there for you. I feel guilty for bringing you here only to abandon you. I regretted those actions very soon after but pride and a fear of rejection gets in the way of my need to reconcile situations. I feel angry with you for allowing others to form opinions and perspectives of me that weren’t true. I feel angry with you for befriending someone that hurt me very deeply and that wasn’t honest with herself, with me or with you. I feel angry for never being able to disclose my side of the truth on the entire situation and what I saw in my own perspective. I feel angry with myself for allowing myself to be manipulated by two separate people who kept me in a spiderweb of lies and broken promises behind each other’s backs, which in turn affected your perception of me and who I was. I feel angry with myself for holding onto so much resentment towards those people and towards you. I feel sad for the ways that I hurt you and for the lack of empathy that I had in the times where you needed me to be there for you. I feel sad about the words you’ve said about me and against me in your times of anger. I feel sad that I wasn’t able to portray how important you were to me and that we ended the friendship without you knowing how much I depended on you and your open minded thoughts. So intellectually intelligent. So beautifully damaged. So carefree and adventurous. So accepting and caring. So thoughtful and observant. Im sorry that I wasn’t capable of being a better friend to you. I’ll remember you always.

I threw away the last piece of you yesterday. A symbol of what we could’ve been. I was avoiding doing it and I’m not sure why but I think it’s because I knew that once I threw it out I would have to let you go completely and something about that scared me. blanket of infatuation, in a different way then you ever did. I wish things were different and we were all emotionally-mature, stable headed adults. I would invite you over casually. I would make sure that we were still in each other’s lives in a healthy way. I wish you could meet my daughter, I wish you could see how beautiful she truly is and how happy she makes me. I wish things were different, a movie type setting. You would be the friendly ex that befriends the new husband and we would all raise our kids together and be best friends, like some corny, cliche TV show. Things never turn out that way though, do they? Just a fantasy of mine that will never become reality. I miss your friendship and the people that we were before we made the bad decision of intertwining our lives together. I wish I could call you on my bad days and vent about the things that only you can understand. It’s difficult forcing myself to let go of you. It’s not because I’m in love with you or because I miss our relationship. The connection that we had on an emotional level is what I miss. The comforting energy of acceptance that you emit. The open mind and comedic genius that would get me out of my worst moments. Half of the time you were the only person I could depend on and the other half of the time I couldn’t stand the sight of you. It was such an overwhelming roller coaster of emotions. A constant whiplash that would keep my mind spinning, it used to feel like it would never stop. I’m thankful for you and the person that you allowed me to grow into. I’m thankful for your love and all of the experiences that we had, the bad and good. You were a valuable and unforgettable piece of my life. Unfortunately I have to force my mind and my thoughts to shift away from you and your situation. It seems impossible to do that. But it hurts the one that I love and he deserves the best sides of me. I’ve never felt a love like this and I wish I could sit with you and a fifth of our favorite liquor, and ramble on about him and all of the ways he makes me happy. I wish you could be happy for me. I wish you would’ve found someone real and genuine to fix the pieces of yourself that I broke. Maybe one day I’ll find peace within myself towards you. I’ll continue to manifest positive energies towards you and hope that they reach you in your times of need. I’d love to promise that I won’t get in touch with you while you’re locked away but I don’t think I can. Maybe not now, or anytime soon, but eventually I think the urge and the guilt will push me to contact you and apologize for all my wrongdoings and the damage that I’ve caused you. I recognize what I’ve put you through and I’ll be forever sorry that you were the person I bled dry in my journey of trauma and unhealed wounds. I hope you find a way to heal those scars and I hope you never let it happen to you again. I can never fully express what I want to say, when I want to say it so I’ll end this here with a goodbye and a promise to live my life and be as happy as I can. You wouldn’t want anything but that and I’ll try my best to enjoy myself and my experiences. I appreciate you and the person that you are and I always will.

As I sit here and try to force my eyes shut, your face drifts into my mind and it’s impossible to sleep. I think about you, and where you are, and it makes me want to scream and scream until my throat gives up and there’s nothing left inside of me but the guilt and the emptiness that I feel when your name drifts into my head. I think about you laying there, uncomfortable and alone and scared. It hurts me so much I want to cry until I can’t cry anymore. What a stupid fucking decision you made. How many times have we argued over you drinking and driving? How many arguments ended in us screaming at each other because of that exact reason? I feel so guilty sometimes because I remember telling you that one day you were going to hurt someone and you wouldn’t be able to take it back. I remember telling you to be careful. I remember telling you not to drive that way. I remember staying up night after night, pacing the apartment, wondering if you were dead on the side of the road somewhere because you had snorted one to many pills that night, that you chased down with whiskey. I remember the constant anxiety and the panic when you didn’t answer the phone after you got off work. It was agonizing and terrifying and it was one of the biggest problems in our relationship. Yet I still sit here and mourn the life that you wasted and I mourn the person that you used to be. Prison is going to mold you and shape you in whatever way it pleases. It terrifies me to know that there’s a possibility that it may or may not suffocate that beautiful light that you have inside of you. That it may or may not change who you are and harden away those soft parts that I used to love so much. Will you be the same Dylan or will you be an empty carcass of him? Will you still smile the same or will there be an underlying tone of darkness underneath it? Will your laugh sound as free or will it sound suffocated? Will your eyes still have the unforgettable shine in them or will they be dull and lifeless? These thoughts and questions could keep me up for weeks if I gave into all of them. My heart aches for you and the position that you’ve gotten yourself into. I still have this overwhelming guilt because I wasn’t able to answer the phone when you called that day. January 1st, 2021. I didn’t know how to accept those types of calls, I didn’t know how or I would’ve answered. I would’ve answered and I would’ve tried to help you in any way I could. I owed you that much at least. I look back on everything that happened when I left you and it makes me sick to my stomach. The way I left and the way I treated you in the process was disgusting. Watching the unconditional love that you had for me die away. It isn’t something I’ll forget any time soon. It was like watching your favorite movie start to skip, until the entire disc is ruined, and you’re forced to throw it away. Scratched and worn out and tired. You put yourself through so much before you finally gave up and accepted that I wasn’t coming back. Drowning yourself in whatever substance was available while I drowned myself in someone else’s love. It’s hard to accept what happened with us sometimes. We were a ‘right person, wrong time’ situation. Both so willing to love but so incapable of doing it correctly. Two souls, lost and misguided, who tried their hardest to find themselves within each other. I wonder if my name crosses your mind as you lay there at night, or as you go through the routine of your new lifestyle. Do the memories of us suffocate you or do you push them away? I’m sorry if you hear words of anger. I hope you do push those away. I hope you think of the genuine memories. The ones that I can’t forget no matter how hard I try. I feel guilty sometimes. How is that I can be so in love with someone else, but still wonder about you? Just know that there’s a part of me that holds you and our memories in small secret box, never to be opened again. I’ll hold it there ‘until the days end and the flowers die.’

Emma is so beautiful & intelligent it's hard to restrain from loving her fully and entirely. It's even harder to let myself do it. That's such a dangerous situation for me. To love and care for someone else's child. To get emotionally attached to her as well and set myself up for irreparable damage. But fuck, how can I not embrace that role in her life? We would raise her so beautifully and perfectly together, how can I not jump into it? With him, comes her and I have to accept that and give her my everything. We all deserve happiness and I'm finally finding mine. ❤

🖤(T.F.)🖤

C.. alling all of our worst demons out to play

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My little horror babies 🖤😌🖤

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the neverending saga.