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@letmereadposts
I’ve kind of learned how to not care whether someone cares enough to make me feel included in the world despite my disability. But it still makes me sad when my mom or dad realize that some made me feel excluded in a way. Eventhough, it’s better to be excluded, than be falsely included in society.
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Also i need to start to do more art, it heals the soul.
Sometimes i wonder how many days would go by without anyone saying hi, if i didn’t send them like 8 reels in a row.
p.s. But i do think about it during a Mercury retrograde in my moon sign, so maybe it’s just that. :D
people don't really talk or think enough about how the socialization is different for people that have some disability from the day they are born. If you just have a physical disability (maybe need an accompanying person) and go to usual regular schools, most people will mostly talk to you for help if they see you can help them, and keep you in the company just enough. You kind of use that situations, because it gets you some company of peers, you have someone to talk to. But at some point it's pretty much more hurtful because you have friends at school, once you are not in the building anymore they are really not your friends anymore (merely acquaintances). You can't really run freely with them, it's hard for you to go to some places because of accessibility. You maybe think ahead of your peers, it's just one of the things that is natural because you need to plan more sometimes. Of course you find some people that try to understand you, and succeed in that, but rarely. And there is always that kind of lurking feeling of loneliness. With years it only becomes more profound, even though you just get used to it, understand it better, make friends with it. And by the time you get better, you can maybe do more, move more, there is less people. Less people you actually want to involve yourself with. Less people you think that have enough understanding and patience for you. Less people you think can actually love you for who you are, but maybe that's just the cynicism. maybe I can once believe that someone will love me in a way I will feel safe and loved and free of judgment of any kind. but I am not sure there is a person with enough patience. or maybe I just need some more patience to completely let go of that narrative, the one that tried to convince me I'm too much maintenance to love.
Sometimes I think about all the things I probably won't say anyone that is close to me. I won't say it to them because of the thought that it will hurt them but also because I've simply learned not to talk about emotions I feel. I've learned that every time the people I've tried to talk to disregarded my emotions, because it was maybe because of something they couldn't understand or something they don't deem important. Also, when I say close people, sometimes it feels like those close people are not close. In the moments like that. And it can be a somewhat of a confusing thing - the people you try to be the most considerate of are also the people who partly taught you that most people are not that considerate to those who feel deeply, notice more. It's probably because it means that you can see things about other people, that they don't want anyone to see, anyone to notice. Then they can't hide, gaslight and avoid being responsible for the unnecessary harsh things they may have said. The anxiety you may feel when you try to share a thought about something with another person. And it will probably be a long time until you try to share some honest emotion with other people. That's ok. You first have to be honest with yourself and acknowledge that is ok to feel happy, sad, cheerful, anxious about things that others may not care about. It's okay to be you.
p.s. Tumblr is like a kind and cozy void to write some of night thoughts. especially for those that are considered bitchy in most people's day thoughts.
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