people don't really talk or think enough about how the socialization is different for people that have some disability from the day they are born. If you just have a physical disability (maybe need an accompanying person) and go to usual regular schools, most people will mostly talk to you for help if they see you can help them, and keep you in the company just enough. You kind of use that situations, because it gets you some company of peers, you have someone to talk to. But at some point it's pretty much more hurtful because you have friends at school, once you are not in the building anymore they are really not your friends anymore (merely acquaintances). You can't really run freely with them, it's hard for you to go to some places because of accessibility. You maybe think ahead of your peers, it's just one of the things that is natural because you need to plan more sometimes. Of course you find some people that try to understand you, and succeed in that, but rarely. And there is always that kind of lurking feeling of loneliness. With years it only becomes more profound, even though you just get used to it, understand it better, make friends with it. And by the time you get better, you can maybe do more, move more, there is less people. Less people you actually want to involve yourself with. Less people you think that have enough understanding and patience for you. Less people you think can actually love you for who you are, but maybe that's just the cynicism. maybe I can once believe that someone will love me in a way I will feel safe and loved and free of judgment of any kind. but I am not sure there is a person with enough patience. or maybe I just need some more patience to completely let go of that narrative, the one that tried to convince me I'm too much maintenance to love.