Been a while
“This is the kind of man I am! I have no strength, but I want it all. I have no knowledge, but all I do is dream. There’s nothing I can do, but I struggle in vain! I…I… I hate myself! All I do is talk a big game, and make myself sound like a big shot, when I can’t do anything! I never do anything, yet I can complain like a pro. Who do I think I am?! It’s amazing I can live like this and not feel ashamed! Right?! I’m empty… There’s nothing in me at all! I know that… Yeah, that’s obvious… I know its obvious…… I’ve never done a single thing. I had all that time, all that freedom… I could have done anything, but I never did a thing. And this is the result! What I am now is the result! All of my powerlessness, all of my incompetence, is the product of my rotten character. Wanting to accomplish something, when I’ve never done anything, goes beyond the limits of arrogance! The cost of my laziness and all the wasteful habits in my life just ends up killing both you and me. That’s right. I have no character. Even when I thought I could go on living here, nothing changed… … I wasn’t trying to get stronger, or trying to make things better. I was just striking an obvious pose, to justify myself, to say that I was trying, that it wasn’t like I wasn’t doing anything. I wanted to say I couldn’t help it. I wanted to be told that it couldn’t be helped! I only pretended to push my body to the limit, so that would be possible! Even when I had you help me…, I was just posing to cover up how embarrassed I felt! At heart, I’m just a small, cowardly, filthy piece of trash, who’s always worried about how others see me. And nothing… Nothing about me has changed! I knew it all along. That all of it was my fault… I’m the lowest of the low. I absolutely hate myself…”
I have never related to anything from fiction of this magnitude before. Every word of this hit me hard because this is where I am in my own life right now. I’ve been in a really fragile state lately and this was put so eloquently in words on exactly how I am feeling. I have no reason or excuse as to why I turned out to be this kind of person and I think that’s where I have this shame. I haven’t been as productive with my life as I should have yet I don’t feel as ashamed for doing so. I just can’t seem to find the reason why. I guess I’m just not as motivated or confident enough to get me over this hill. Before, I would look at every excuse as to why I’m not where I want to be in life but I can only go so far with that. My friends are out there struggling and striving to be successful while I’m here just withering away. I can’t say I haven’t done anything. I just haven’t done as much as I and everyone else was expecting. And this is where that guilt is starting to get at me. I have taken advantage of a lot of opportunities by taking the easy way out and that’s probably why I haven’t been challenged enough for me to change as a person. But with a lot of soul-searching I’ve been doing lately, I’m learning to get back to my old self. The old self that had high hopes, was determined, and simply cared for himself and everyone else. Lately, I haven't been doing any of that. I couldn’t believe in myself so how the hell could I believe in other people. This year has been rough and I know I’m not the only one who would think that. From public to private life matters, this year has taken a toll on me. I started to get pessimistic about everything; something I’ve never really known for doing. But as my confidence dropped, I also started to stop believing in myself and in others.
“I know myself better than anyone!” “All you know is yourself! How much do you know about the [you that everyone else sees]?!”
This came from the same show shortly after and I had never realized that there is a version of you that your friends see and that version is a part of you as a whole as well as the version of you that you, yourself, sees. I’m not sure if that makes sense but I’ll go with it. I have to start taking into account of how my friends see me and that they will always believe in me even when I can’t believe in myself. My friends see this version of me and I now want to uphold that vision they have of me and not disappoint them.
Not having many friends around me locally, I have become, more or less, a shut in. The only time I would be social is if a friend happened to be in town or I would take my monthly trip to San Francisco and you can’t fit everything you want to do in such a short time. I began to feel more and more lonely as the days went by. Just recently, I realized that I’ve really missed my friends. I’ve missed that support system I had on a daily basis. Yes, I still have that same support but it’s just not the same when you can’t get out everything you want to say in a just a few hours of hanging out once or twice a month. It’s rough and I know that my friends are out there doing their own things. We are all so busy and I get that. It just sucks we can’t have those kinds of conversations as easily anymore. Texting and video calling is completely different. Heart-to-hearts in person are what I have missed and I haven’t really had that in a while. But seeing my friends this past weekend helped me want to change for the better. One of them had asked me how I was doing and that person seemed really concerned. It’s like that person knew what was going on behind that fake smile and wanted to me say the truth but it just wasn’t the right setting for it. That concern ignited something in me but I’m not quite sure I can apply it something at the moment. I know I have a long way to go but I’m feeling happier about myself. I gotta take this support that my friends are graciously giving me and utilize it to help me succeed in my goals. Thank you for helping me believe again.
