I'm really struggling with work - I'm supposed to be writing my thesis. I thought I made some headway with dealing with whatever this problem is, but I still find myself just completely unable to even open up my computer to start on it. It's a daily struggle. Every single day. I fucking hate it. I basically haven't been able to work for ~2 years. Maybe I am burned out? I don't know. I'm really grateful to be in a grad school where I can basically be in a burn out and not do any work and nobody even notices...as I'm typing that it sounds really messed up. Why am I grateful for that? Shouldn't I want people to notice, hey K is not really showing up for work, I wonder if she's okay? I am grateful that I can work from home and have all this time I want to study meditation, and learn about things I care about (i.e. not the things I'm in grad school for...) but I feel tremendous shame for not being able to work. To the point I think about lying to my partner when he gets home and asks me how work went today. I try to be as honest as possible. But I'm sure that I sugarcoat it and act as if I'm more productive because I still believe my worth is tied to my productivity. I don't want him to resent me for not working while he goes out and works a job he doesn't want to do either but has to.
In other news it's been snowing non stop for 3 days and I love it
