Kung maputi na ang buhok ko

I love this sm thank u <3

7:00pm - too many thoughts, too many lost things, I just can’t get it out of my head. I’m as alone as I always believe I am. I cannot feel any other way. I love so many people thinking that the ones that leave aren’t worthy of my love, but with so many leaving, joining the rest I write off as untrustworthy, immature, and hurtful, I can’t help but think they’re right. Every bully’s comment, every word my parent’s said, every doubt my family’s had, everything my brain convinces me, is so unbelievably real. I don’t deserve love, I’ve truly manipulated everyone into believing I’m all these things that I built up in my head just to take it overboard like I always do. I’m a narcissist, I’m not worthy of love with how I treat people, how I’ve hurt people, how delusional I am to think that I’m loveable when my own family didn’t want me. So here I sit at work, flooded with thoughts trying to find what’s real, what I should do, why I can’t just be numb and die or stay out of people’s way. I’m just a fucking failure the way I have always been, wondering what’s wrong with me but never knowing why because I’m a fucking idiot. I’m always alone in the end man. All I’ll ever have is music because I’m forever invisible, artists cannot touch me. I am nothing, I am a narcissist, manipulating everyone to like me because I was never liked from the start. Only meant for pain as punishment for those I’ve hurt before and anything else I have done in previous lives. I wish I could just be a ghost, away from everyone because no one would miss me and those that do would only realize how much I didn’t matter and hurt them even after I’m gone. Maybe they’d feel release, maybe I’d get the peace I crave to hurt no longer. Break hearts that ultimately break my own. I can’t even write a fucking word or produce music to express how I feel, but I’m so smart and can barely perform...or did I make that up too? Nothing feels real other than the pain I have and how much everyone despises me, feels hurt by me, and just left a bitter taste in their mouth without understanding. I just want a cig to feel something else just for a little bit. At this rate, I’m not capable of doing anything. I’m not meant to live, to love, to be loved, to share what I love, to be successful. All of it is just lies. Lies, lies, mf lies. How could I manipulate even myself into this bullshit façade that I deserve any of these things? If I’m just a bad person since conception, since being the biggest disappointment, since screaming for attention I don’t need, how do I stop? How do I get out? How do I just die? Maybe I deserve anxiety, pain, hurt, ugliness, narcissism, and suicidal thoughts. Maybe I’m not meant to do anything great or inspire others from the things I think are stupid but are just validated abuse. I’m just making it up like everything else. Nothing is real or meant to be what I want and I just want to be okay being alone, away from friends, and in the dark lair of shame. Maybe one day I can make music to listen to myself and what I should’ve been.

I wish so badly I could tell you it gets better. I don’t know how to describe it but, it feels like it just changes with who you are all while being the same sad, hurt, lost, and lonely person you are despite the growth and adaptations you’ve went through. You deserved love, you deserved protection especially in a world you didn’t choose to be in. To make matters worse, you didn’t even wanna be alive. You just wanted love, comfort, tenderness, to be seen as anything that wasn’t negative. Your self doubt doesn’t go away because of all the awful things that has happened and no one understands you still. I’m not even sure how I’m alive now or what kept you going because I still don’t even know now. I just know how much pain, stress, and struggle is happening now just like I was back in time there with you, trying to comprehend how fucked up it was that you felt all of these things and now it’s still here like you still can’t escape. I find so much in common with you these days from just being raw in my vulnerability, forcing emotions all while numbing at the same time. I can never have what I want and it always begs the question if I even deserve it as simple as it is. Your own family tricked you into not only remaining trapped for “real love”, but was the same perp damaging and inducing further trauma that again, no one deserves. All enforcing how alone you truly were and just so unsafe and unacknowledged. People don’t even take you seriously now where I stand. You were just so isolated, forgotten, ignored, and treated with not even a crumb of the kindness and care that you project towards others. I know it’s so frustrating knowing you can’t numb completely and become emotionless permanently just so you can’t feel pain or trust people so easily. Not to mention, everything feels so damn hard to move on when your struggles were never real to anyone but you and all you wanted was love, understanding, selflessness from another, and the most of all, validated. Even now, that’s all I want, to be acknowledged, validated, to know that all that we’ve been through it’s worth it and we’re not crazy for thinking and feeling how difficult every breathing moment feels because of all those that have harmed us in every way. It’s like I try so hard to defy the odds out of spite just to be noticed and fight for you, but I constantly still feel like I stand alone fighting and I wonder what’s the point if I just keep getting hurt and nothing feels better. You were just so young from the start it feels irreparable in the damage that has been done. Here now, I am a shell of you, trying so hard to evolve and find a purpose yet, I feel exactly the same; trying to make sense of being fatherless to selfishness and lack of support, wondering why you were expected to be so perfect and no matter how hard you tried, it wasn’t good enough, wondering why and trying to cope with the amount of familial crimes you were guilty and punished for and not getting the apology or even acknowledgement that it happened. I’m just so sorry.