"My body tells the story of my life, a map of my self discovery. My physicality has both protected me and isolated me. As a child, primary school was unkind to me. Growing up in a small country town where coming from a mixed-race family was alien, the racial tones were abundant, my thick black hair and my dark complexion were a dead giveaway that I was different, let alone my proud Philippino mother. Emotionally too weak to deal with the racial slurs, my body responded and became my saviour. I learned to use my physicality as a means of defence. I was the kid so puffed up with aggression yet so full of pain…and I carried this peacock posture all the way through high school, making sure I was the biggest, strongest and angriest as a device to ward off the would be tormentors. Bruce Lee and Arnold Schwarzenegger hung on my wall, my inspiration to keep up the facade of the alpha male. My heroes…my idols. Both strong and indestructible. If there was a problem it was resolved with a clenched fist. I subscribed to this mentality and it served it’s purpose through my schooling years. However, when it came to dealing with the real issues that laid beneath my skin, I found it was the very same aggression that protected me, now hindered me. In retrospect, I was never happy with my body and I’m…I’m still not. I always felt uncomfortable in a change room or on swimming sports days. I would look at the other boys running around with their shirts off, absolutely oblivious to the discomfort that I was feeling. I didn’t want to take my shirt off. I was ashamed of what hid underneath it and I still live with that shame. My body is the story of my life…or so I thought. I began acting at University. I didn’t know why, I just knew that I loved it. Nowadays my reasons for the choice are much clearer. Acting for me is the ultimate escapism. It’s the chance to have a completely out of body experience and maybe it’s a chance for me to escape the unexplained shame…yet it isn’t. Mentally and emotionally, I may be able to transcend who I am but physically I can’t and this became glaringly obvious to me when I began working in the film and television industry."
turnnoffyourmind
blakekathryn
vaporwave
prguitarman
