I'm not part of your elite, I'm just alright

I´ve spent most of my life (my teenage years and whole 20´s) being platonically in love with famous men. And to be honest, it might brought me some joy and I had fun being passionate about those men, most of the time this platonic love caused me anxiety and made me question my own confidence because I knew there are hundreds, thousands of other women who love these men too. It brought me to a never-ending virtual competition me vs those other women, constant comparing if I am pretty enough, if I look good enough, if I fit the current beauty standarts, if my body is skinny enough and I am that "femme fatale" too or wondering how to become one. Occasionally some of those women were lucky enough to meet my crushes while I was watching it at home through social medias feeling desperate because I knew I don´t even have a chance to get this close to meet them nor hanging out with them. Some anxieties were stronger when that man was more reachable than others as I thought this and that woman might be beautiful/interesting/lucky enough that that man will start dating her.

Whole other story was the cliché that these men, crushes to thousands and millions women all over the world, were dating a super hot, super fit and perfectly looking female models. I used to have a friend with who I shared my love for those men as we were fangirling together over them for few years -

before I realized my points of views and mindset in general is totally different and I don´t want to be around this person and share my interests with her because not only I don´t share the same opinions with her anymore, I actually found some of her opinions incredibly stupid short-sighted, without knowing the larger context or understanding the situation right and these opinions of hers influenced me negatively and I´ve found our friendship rather toxic and I couldn´t bear talking with this person anymore

- and there was one specific moment when we found new boy/man to have a crush on and she immediately told me "And he´s taken, of course he´s dating some model." Just like being the model is the first trait for what men look for when looking for a partner (some actually do but I´m not interested in them and most of them I don´t even know). This quote of hers was like an epitome that I couldn´t win this wannabe contest at any chance just for the pure fact - I´m not fitting the beauty standarts to be a model in the first place and I was just depressed that I will never be pretty/skinny/good enough. Why would I try to be the best version of myself when I will never get even close to others?

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The situation started to change as I entered my 30´s.

Firstly I fell in love with a band when I haven´t cared at all what are the personal situation with those men because I was there only for their music, their vibe and their personalities. I even haven´t found them handsome enough that I will have a crush on some of them.

Secondly I fell in love with the man who I find extremely beautiful and sexy and he´s an epitome of the perfect man (who also at the same time have some imperfections and that´s what make him unique) but my thoughts about him never crossed that line when I have a wet dream fantasies about him with my person. His love situation might be clear as day for public but diving deeper into him, his past, early days and his background, it became clear to me that things about him aren´t that obvious as it looks at the first sight and it´s spread as a official narrative for him. Thanks to him I found out about the whole topic what it means to being closeted (especially against your will), to hide your sexuality, how gaslighting works to push the official narrative and don´t make people suspicious, how to sell what needs to be sold even it´s not the truth, it´s not who that person is. I found my place in the healthy-thinking fandom, I surrounded myself by the same-minded people who are in the fandom much longer and they experienced his past self first hand and they know the context of the situation much better than me. Me who had almost a revelation when I dived into one specific tag here on tumblr on one very early morning while waiting for the bus to Berlin and found a damn lot posts about this topic. It was literally minutes before I found he´s not that person as who he´s represented for the public but also there´s someone else in his life. Someone who´s close to him from the very first minute, who was there before they both even got famous and they shaped themselves into what they are now together. And who - as I and many others believe - is dealing with the same closet. I love these men both equally.

And now it came the moment when I just found another man. The man who is also literally the perfection, who fits into all my beauty standards what leads me to have a crush on him. He allows me to think about him, to drool over him and have a crush on him but - he´s openly gay. And so I know there will never be any woman around him with who my mind starts another endless and useless competition because...he´s not into women at all.