ephemeral twenty three | stilled
genre angst, a pinch of fluff. warning anxiety, toxic mindset, self-deprecation. playlist ml. wc 1.37k.
this wasn’t going to work out.
everyone else continued to move. it felt like you were standing in the middle of the street as people passed you by at an impossible speed. but you could only stand still, and stare blankly at the sight ahead of you.
beomgyu hadn’t given up yet. he’d waited for you to be ready, and appeared at your door with open arms. nobody had ever hugged you that tightly, nobody had ever held onto you like you were about to slip away before. it was silent and painful. his fingers dug into your skin as he fought off his tears, and you didn’t dare to speak in fear that you’d fall apart. as dramatic as it seemed, both of you were aware of the reality, and how the growing distance between you would only have a negative impact on your relationship.
you talked occasionally. you tried to look him in the eye and believe him when he told he loved you. you couldn’t.
the final term came to an end. for the meantime, you began job hunting in order to pay your rent.
you passed beomgyu in the building regularly. his smile began to fade when he came to the realisation that you really were slipping away from him. he started off trying to talk with you, then watered it down to a civil smile, and then he was silent, and not even his eyes made his way over to you.
much like the day that the truth came out, you pulled your knees flush against your chest and cried into your arms. this time, with your back against your headboard.
you weren’t even angry anymore — as much as it pained you — you just missed him. you missed his scent, his presence, his voice, his touch, his laugh, his smile, him.
the tears began to soak through the sleeve of your sweatshirt.
you sniffled, lifted your head, and grabbed your phone. you scrolled to the letter g and began to call, half wishing he wouldn’t pick up. there was comfort in being stilled and heartbroken, as terrible as it made you sound. it had been all you had known for three years before beomgyu came into your life, and the feeling was wonderfully familiar.
‘hello?’ he had just woken up.
‘beomgyu,’ you cried, voice hoarse. ‘i’m sorry.’
the call dropped, as did your phone shortly after. you’d truly messed up.
there was a loud, sharp knock that sent you flying out of bed and straight towards your entrance. when you pulled open the door, there stood beomgyu. you sobbed and threw your arms around him in a hug, letting the tears fall this time, onto the material of his shirt at three in the morning.
but this wasn’t going to work out.
nothing could beat your anxiety. as things began to go back to normal, your mindset never seemed to follow suit. he was around a lot more. he would come over for breakfast, spend the afternoon watching tv on the couch, kiss you goodbye before he left for work, and pick you up after your shifts. but you watched him warily, wondering if he was truly happy or simply trying to fix the heart that he’d broke.
‘are you serious, y/n?’ beomgyu was tired of hearing you ask him if he truly loved you. ‘would i really do all of this if i didn’t love you?’
‘but what’s the difference between trying to prove a point and actions that are sincere?’ you felt your eyes watering.
‘you don’t trust me,’ he commented, feeling defeated for what felt like the tenth time that week.
‘no, i don’t,’ you shot back.
‘how long is it going to take for you to realise that you’re hurting me?’ he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
‘you did this,’ you placed the blame. ‘you hurt me and you destroyed the trust that i had for you.’
‘can you stop?’ it made him feel sick.
‘i’m going to bed,’ you could feel the need to cry approaching. ‘goodnight, beomgyu.’
he thought you were being selfish and careless. he didn’t expect you to forgive and forget easily, but he hadn’t expected for you to turn spiteful. he could never do enough to make you happy, you would always be sitting there picking apart his behaviour and trying to make sense of it all.
but love doesn’t make sense. there doesn’t have to be a reason to love someone, it’s just instinct. you don’t need to have an explanation for why someone would be kind to you, you just have to accept it as reality. that was something you just couldn’t do anymore.
the friends you had made along the way contacted you frequently. that included the four boys dear to you that beomgyu thought of as home. there were no sides for them to choose from, because nobody knew what was going on.
all that they did know was that your relationship had simmered down on social media.
with your love of photography, you regularly uploaded photos you’d taken of beomgyu. you didn’t anymore. random videos usually made their way onto a story of some kind, showcasing sweet or humorous moments between the two of you. they didn’t anymore. when asked how you were doing by any of your friends, you used to answer for beomgyu too, because he was always around. but you didn’t anymore.
there could have been a simple explanation. due to your lives after university, you might have started spending less time together. but still, he was only across the hall.
beomgyu went out with his friends one night. you kissed him goodbye, and he was off. they met at a restaurant for a meal to catch up with each other, and beomgyu spilled the truth about your relationship. he skipped some major details and stated that you were taking a break, because he was planning to ask you for one as soon as he got home. he just couldn’t take the contrast of your loveliness and harshness anymore.
when he showed up at your door, you expected for him to brightly tell you about his night with his friends. instead, he avoided your eyes and walked over to the couch.
when he asked to take a break from your relationship, his hand had personally wrapped around your heart and squeezed it tightly. but in the end, you agreed to it. you knew it was your fault, because you were making a mountain out of a molehill. and beomgyu was so tired of beating himself up just trying to be good enough for you.
it had taken you three days to contact him after the party, and when he finally came over, you told him that you needed a little more time. when he attempted to keep talking with you, despite not having the luxury of being able to call or text you, you only shut him down. your responses were always short and blunt, and he began to give up for your sake. all he wanted was for you to be happy and comfortable around him again, so he gave you the time to process and became a stranger. so when you called him late that night, he jumped at the opportunity to be yours all over again.
but it was hellish. you hadn’t healed, and your brain was only hurting you with all of the nasty thoughts it conjured up. beomgyu’s excitement over having his girlfriend back fizzled out, and spending time with you began to feel like a chore.
but in the end, he put you first.
you needed to heal. maybe he wasn’t right for you, or maybe you weren’t right for him. either way, he couldn’t make you happy, and all he wanted was for you to be happy. so when he asked for the break, the main reason had been for you. if he couldn’t make you happy, he would simply disappear and let you forget about him and all of the pain that he brought.
and you both knew where the break was going, because this wasn’t going to work out.
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