Le monde de Paola

Me: It happened.

You: What?

Me: I defended myself even when I felt vulnerable and ashamed. I didn't drown in doubt.

You:

Me: I always think those moments are going to be fireworks but in reality, they are just moments when your breath still smells bad and everything is irritatingly ordinary.

You:

Me: I count mile markers and try to map the journey but in the midst of the day to day, I always lose sight of where I am. And when I look at the map, I am further along than where I was before. What is the point of observing?

You: What is it?

Me: I don't know. It was magical though.

You: As good as fireworks? Or winner solitare and all the cards coming down?

2: Hi.

1: Did you watch Game of Thrones?

2: No.

1: I thought of you. That monster in you, the one you hid so well. It reminded me of you...

2: ...

Break, break, breaks

Look in the mirror and see someone different.

Break, break, breaks.

1: What have you been doing?

2: Just taking things day by day.

1: Are you in love?

2: No.

1: What has changed?

2: I have been going to the gym almost daily. I'm not one of those cute gym girls. I sweat, my face turns beet red, and I hog the squat rack all while having a hard time squatting 80 lbs.

1: Can I say I'm proud of you?

2: I don't know.

Being somewhere foggy is hard.  There really isn’t anywhere to be but present because the path forward and backwards is obscured.  The steps you do take, where do they lead and why is it so fucking foggy?  

You might be going in the wrong direction, you may be walking around in circles.  But then suddenly as you do what you think may help get you somewhere, you hear something that speaks to you.  Not about the issue at hand but something that speaks to the anxiety of uncertainty and loneliness. 

Is it ok to admit I’m lost?

Is it ok to admit that I am not sure it will all be ok?

Is it ok to admit that I miss you?

Is it ok to admit that I don’t know what will happen?

Is it ok to admit that I’m not ok with anything that happened?

Is it ok to admit I’m not ok with not knowing what will happen?

Is it ok to be lost?

Is it ok to still want it all?

Is it ok to think it will still all come together?

Is it ok to want more?

Is it ok to yearn for what could have been even when knowing it’s going to be amazing this time?

Is it ok to want more?  

Is it ok to demand more? 

Is it ok to think this was all worth it?