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@leighskarz
Second training session made me realize how out of shape I am. After doing some basic step ups my heart rate was 185 bpm! Baby steps. Going to try to get in the pool and do water aerobics and some slow and steady kickboard laps.
I went to my new primary care doctor and she's referring me to a nutritionist, which I think could be helpful.
Slow and steady wins the race, but my motivation is in the toilet tbh
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First gym workout of 2025! Took me a few weeks to get there because of a nasty cold that wouldn't go away.
This was my first session with my personal trainer, and we took it a bit easy to get my body used to exercising. I am going to eat pasta for dinner.
small wins:
I went for a walk today with my beautiful dog Murph (who I'm convinced hates me and only loves his dad).
I officially hired a personal trainer - 1 day/week + once weekly water aerobics + dog walks to start
I've been in the biggest reading slump lately, and I've started reading The Glass Abyss by Steven Barnes (it's a Star Wars book about Mace Windu and tbh it's AWFUL)
At the start of the year I was dangerously close to 300 lbs - which for me was the big scary. I haven't had the guts to check yet because I feel like I might have tipped the scale - literally.
I'll check in a couple weeks.
your life is not an optimization problem
as in you'll never achieve the perfect daily routine, sleep schedule, coping mechanisms, mannerisms, fashion sense etc. even after years and years of healing and improvement and self-discovery. you will never be so good at life that you manage to utilize every waking moment. its great to be productive and all but sometimes you'll suck ass. sometimes you'll take eight hours to be done with a twenty minute job. you'll prioritize the wrong thing. you'll sleep for 12 hrs just to avoid being awake. you'll relapse. and you'll relapse again. you'll forget to turn in the assignment. you'll order too little food. life is far too large and complex for you to even experience it completely, much less try to make sense of and control it. you can't. please give up on that and be at peace with the hours you lose. they are not separate from your life.
The first week of January hasn’t been the restart to my life or the catalyst to change that I had been expecting. Extended family being in town and a nasty ear infection has halted any significant change or progress that I was hoping to achieve in the first week of 2025, however, I’m not letting this setback completely derail or throw any changes to be made out the window.
Once I have focused on recovering, the game plan is still a go. It doesn’t change because it starts a couple of weeks into January as opposed to day one. And that’s the difference. 
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I'm ngl, I LOVE New Years.
For the ultimate diet perfectionist and lifestyle dreamer, it is one of my favorite holidays. Every year I would make an insanely long list of all the ways I was going to change my life. All the new habits and hobbies. And then I would maybe do SOME of them. But it felt like a clean slate and a fresh start.
This year we're trying something different. No specific pounds to lose. No crazy list of new habits, new app subscriptions, etc.
This years goals are about adding to my life.
More movement. More walks. More time playing with my dog.
More mindfulness (maybe I do have a meditation app on standby).
More fresh foods, more colorful foods, more water.
More time outside.
I am so tired of putting myself in a constraining box every year only to disappoint myself. This time it's different.
Wearing clothes other than sweatpants and baggy sweaters feels WEIRD. It's all I've been wearing for the past couple years. It was the easiest way to feel comfortable while also ignoring how much larger my body was getting.
Turns out that apron belly I've been ignoring for years has gotten MUCH bigger than I realized. Easy to miss when you ignore it and refuse to look at yourself in a full body mirror. Trying to embrace it and love it as part of my body in the meantime.
New additions to the journey:
Traded my Fitbit for an Ultrahuman ring and already love it. (peep it in the photo!) In a perfect world my wearable would have AI that would take all of my data and give me a to-do list every day. When will science boss me around? (half joking)
Signed up for NOOM - something I used years ago when it was $12/month. Since then it seems to have grown and re-vamped so I am hesitantly giving it a try despite the MASSIVE price tag and my reservations about calorie tracking. It's a pain in the ass, but helpful for me since I mindlessly consume food. (EDIT - canceled. Couldn’t justify the insane price tag)
Things I have crossed off my self-care to-do list for 2025:
found a new primary care doctor and made an appointment for a physical in February (the soonest I could get in)
found a new dentist and made an appointment
scheduled flu and covid vaccines
scheduled a facial for myself on New Years Day - should be a great start to the new year
thursday | dec 12 2024
Part of my journey is about self care. I've spent a long time hiding and neglecting myself, because I felt like I didn't deserve it.
"Why should I go to the salon and get a haircut when it doesn't change the fact that I'm ugly?" CATAGORICALLY untrue self narrative.
In the journey to love myself again, goals for 2025 include going to the salon and getting a haircut every 3-6 months (something I haven't done since high school) and monthly pedicures.
For me, "weight-loss" isn't just about the gym, and calorie counting. It's about falling in love with my body.
So here is the aftermath of the first haircut I've gotten in a real salon in fifteen years.
december 11 | lazy day off
Gladiator II was terrible (sorry), and somehow this new mirror has given me confidence???
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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This is the first time I’ve had the courage to look at my body in a full length mirror in many many years.
I was afraid of what I saw, and how it made me feel - ashamed, angry, embarrassed. Even in this moment I am still struggling.
How can I find a way to love my body if I’m hiding from it? How can work on healing my relationship with life, food, mindfulness, and joy, if I’m scared of the mirror?
So here’s to new beginnings. Finding love. Letting go of shame. New beginnings.
