Mike Ross

Rachel: Won what?

Donna: The betting pool.

Mike: What betting pool?

Donna: The one about when you and Harvey would finally stop acting like you're dating and actually start dating.

Mike: There was a betting pool?

Louis: There were spreadsheets.

Jessica: There were charts.

Mike: How long was this going on?

Donna: Since the day Harvey interrupted a meeting because someone made you work through lunch.

Harvey: That's not why I interrupted.

Donna: Harvey.

Harvey: Fine. It was partially why I interrupted.

Donna: You pointed at a senior partner and said "If he passes out, I'm billing you for an ambulance".

Mike: That's insane.

Donna: Mike, he looked up the nutritional information of your favorite sandwich.

Mike: He did what?

Harvey: It was relevant.

Mike: Relevant to what?

Harvey: My piece of mind.

Donna: Anyway, I won fifty dollars.

Jessica: I lost eighty.

Louis: I lost three hundred and a commemorative mug.

Mike: Why were the stakes so high?

Harvey: You're not fine.

Mike: It's a cold.

Harvey: You're dying.

Mike: That's not how colds work.

Harvey: You're pale.

Mike: I'm always pale.

Harvey: You're quieter than usual.

Mike: Because my throat hurts.

Harvey: Exactly.

Mike: That's not evidence of anything.

Harvey: Donna.

Donna: He's been texting me every fifteen minutes.

Mike: Seriously?

Donna: First it was "Do you think he's okay?", then it was "Should he see a doctor?", and then "Can people die from soup?"

Mike: What.

Harvey: I was covering all possibilities.

Mike: Harvey, I sneezed twice.

Harvey: It was an aggressive sneeze.

*Two hours later*

Mike: Why are there six bags of medicine on the table?

Harvey: Options.

Mike: There are enough supplies here to survive a small apocalypse.

Harvey: That's what being prepared looks like.

Mike: You bought three thermometers.

Harvey: What?

Mike: Why are you walking so fast?

Harvey: Because we're late.

Mike: We're thirty minutes early.

Harvey: Exactly.

*Five minutes later*

Mike: Harvey?

Harvey: ....

Mike: Harvey?

*Across the convention center*

Harvey: Mike?!

Donna: Oh, this should be good.

Harvey: Where the hell were you??

Mike: Looking at the book display.

Harvey: I turned around and you vanished.

Mike: I was gone for like two minutes.

Harvey: It was seven.

Mike: You timed it?

Harvey: That's not the point.

Donna: You thought he was kidnapped, didn't you?

Harvey: No.

Donna: Harvey.

Harvey: Maybe for a second.

Mike: Harvey, I'm a grown man.

Harvey: Because we're settling this properly.

Mike: Properly?

Harvey: You're always saying you're better at trivia than me.

Mike: Because I am.

Harvey: Prove it.

Mike: Fine.

*Hours later*

Donna: Why is the conference room full?

Rachel: People are watching.

Donna: Watching what?

Rachel: Harvey and Mike have turned trivia into a blood sport.

Harvey: Name every best picture winter from the 1900s.

Mike: Easy.

Harvey: Too easy. Name them in reverse order.

Mike: Done.

Harvey: Name-

Mike: Harvey.

Harvey: What?

Mike: Are you attracted to me or trying to defeat me?

Harvey: Both.

Harvey: I'm not.

Mike: You've been staring at me five minutes.

Harvey: I was thinking.

Mike: About?

Harvey: Nothing.

Mike: Harvey.

Harvey: Fine.

*Pause*

Harvey: It's weird.

Mike: What is?

Harvey: I spent most of my life being the smartest guy in the room.

Mike: That's a horrifying opening sentence.

Harvey: Then you showed up.

Mike: Aw.

Harvey: Don't interrupt.

Mike: Sorry.

Harvey: Then somehow you became the first person I actually wanted around all the time.

Mike: ....

Harvey: ....

Mike: That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Harvey: I know.

Mike: Are you ok?

Harvey: No. This is awful.

Mike: You're being emotionally vulnerable.

Harvey: I hate it.

Mike: Come here.

Harvey: Absolutely not.

Mike: Harvey.

Harvey: Fine.

*Hug*

Harvey: If you tell anyone about this, I'll deny everything.

Donna, suddenly appearing: Too late.

Harvey: How do you keep doing that?

Mike: You learned my coffee order after one date.

Harvey: That’s called observational skill.

Donna: You also saved his voicemail just to hear him laugh.

Mike: Yesterday you called opposing counsel “that smug raccoon looking guy” because he laughed at my joke.

Harvey: I can absolutely try.

Mike: That’s not growth.

Harvey: Don’t make it weird.

Mike: Harvey, there are candles.

Harvey: They came with the reservation.

Mike: You hate candles. You said they’re “tiny fire liabilities".

Harvey: I’m evolving.

Mike: There’s jazz music.

Harvey: I can enjoy jazz.

Mike: You once called jazz “elevator chaos".

Harvey: Mike, are you going to kiss me or cross examine me?

Harvey: We don’t do that.

Donna: Yesterday you billed three hours while arguing about whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

Mike: It is.

Harvey: Wrong.

Mike: See? This is exactly what I’m talking about.

Donna: No, see, this is exactly what I’m talking about.

Louis: They locked themselves in the conference room and made a pros and cons list.

Donna: How long was it?

Louis: Forty seven slides.

Harvey: We have food.

Mike: Harvey, you have whiskey, lemons, and expensive mustard.

Harvey: That’s a meal if you believe in yourself.

Mike: We cannot survive on charcuterie ingredients and arrogance.

Harvey: Says you.

*Twenty minutes later at the grocery store.*

Mike: Put the tiny shopping basket down.

Harvey: We don’t need a cart.

Mike: You said that before Thanksgiving and we ended up carrying seventeen bags like Victorian peasants.

Harvey: Builds character.

Mike: You made Louis carry the turkey.

Harvey: I’m not glaring.

Mike: Harvey, your jaw is doing the thing.

Harvey: What thing?

Mike: The “I’m about to destroy someone in a deposition” thing.

Harvey: He flirted with you.

Mike: The barista asked for my name.

Harvey: And then drew a smiley face on your cup.

Mike: It’s customer service.

Harvey: It’s war.

Donna: Oh my God, you’re jealous of a nineteen year old with a milk frother.

Harvey: I’m not jealous.

Mike: Yesterday you called him “Foam Boy".