Legacy of Manwich!

Regan's room, where she harasses people on cryptocurrency forums.

Pocket's room.

Valeria and Albert's room.

Edmund's room.

Baby rooms.

Kids and Guest rooms.

Living room.

Kitchen.

Office.

Patio.

Backyard.

Mausoleum.

BONUS:

Too bad for Viola; I'm 100% in Avril's corner, because fucking LOOK AT HER. SHE'S SO CUTE AND BEAUTIFUL. SHE HAS PINK EYES. My anime girlboss queen.

Edgar: "Viola- I mean, Avriola- I mean, Avril, please do me the honor of becoming my wife, and in doing so, distract me from the temptations of incest."

Avril: "OH EDGAR I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK!"

Y'all met two days ago, but. Sure.

Holy shit, those are some crazy eyes.

Avril: "IMAGINE HOW BEAUTIFULLY THIS WILL SPARKLE AS I'M STRANGLING THAT ALIEN BITCH TO DEATH!"

I mean, I'm not gonna STOP you, but I'm gonna judge you a little bit. Not that much, though.

Edmund: "Ka-chow! What's this feeling in my chest when I look at her? Dread? Do I fear her?"

No, dude, you LOVE her! I'm so proud of you!

Edmund: "Love? For another? No, I only love death and corruption! It must be something else."

I think he may actually be right, because at that exact moment, Public Enemy #1 Margie finally died.

Patience: "Noelle, you're cute, I know you can do so much better than his sociopathic goldfish looking ass."

Noelle: "FUCK YOU BITCH THIS IS TRUE LOVE!"

Are you sure about that?

Well, guess who's had the Want to see Margie's ghost for the entire semester?

Edmund: *scratches ass*

Margie: "OH I'M GONNA SPOOK HIM OUT BUT GOOD!"

Margie: "BOO MOTHERFUCKER!"

Edmund: "AGH! Oh, are you BALDING? LMAO +3,500"

You are such a bitch.

Well, congratulations on your win, I guess. Margie is dead, bald, you still live in her head rent-free, AND you get to consume her remains. Total dormie humiliation.

Edmund: "Yes, and my other victim should be succumbing soon as well!"

Your... your what?

Wh- DID YOU LOCK THE COW MASCOT IN YOUR BEDROOM?!

Edmund: "Sure did! It's like a sleepover in the Thunderdome! Two men enter, one man leaves!"

Dude, you are... something else.

FURRY SOBBING AND STARVING TO DEATH ASMR FOR SLEEP 10 HOURS

I don't know what the cow mascot did to him to invite a slow, agonizing demise, but it's not like Edmund gets along with the home team Spirit Corps anyway.

Edmund: "I HAVE NO NEED FOR SCHOOL SPIRIT!"

Post about it on reddit, I'm sure you'll get a thousand upvotes from other miserable contrarians like yourself.

Palette cleanser: Sebastian started dating this cute guy named Adonis here, and they got engaged! I hope they live happily ever after as far away from this family as possible. :)

Sebastian: "Hey, Edmund, I wanted to let you know, Adonis and I are getting married, and-"

Edmund: "GOD WHAT A BRAGGART, LEAVE ME ALONE! TELL SOMEONE WHO CARES!"

Sebastian: "But- but-! I was gonna invite you to the wedding!"

This guy's getting his PhD in Party Pooping, dude, you really don't want him there.

GO HOME ALBERT YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE

Albert: "I just came to see my boys!"

LEAVE

Edmund: "OH FUCK DAD JUMPSCARE!"

You're telling me, I screamed when I saw him show up uninvited.

FURRY LITERALLY PASSING AWAY ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOOR ASMR BINEURAL BEATS NO ADS

Being the Wattpad love interest that he is, Edmund is only privately toxic and commits all his heinous acts behind closed doors. He's actually Big Man On Campus and belongs to the secret society, as well as making it onto the Dean's List consistently. I'd let him found a fraternity, but that feels a little on-the-nose at this point.

Edmund: "I feel empty without a rival, though."

Sure, dude, just pick someone out and start bullying them. You've never had trouble with that before.

Edmund: "No, I have something else in mind."

Edmund: "Hey, Grim, can I have my friend Margie back? No? How does approximately one thousand dollars sound? Good enough? Well, I'll take it! Thanks, buddy!"

Sebastian: "IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR YOU TO JUST BE NORMAL?"

Margie: "WHY AM I BACK AND WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT?!"

I'll give you one guess and if you don't get it, the answer is standing right behind you.

Oh, never mind, lol

Edmund: "SHE DIED AGAIN?! WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT?!"

Yeah, maybe you shouldn't have killed the cow, huh? That's karma. Or, uh. Cow-ma. Whatever.

Viola: "GOOD JOB YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH!"

I'm also kinda impressed, honestly.

Edmund: "Boooo! What a rip-off! I want my zombie arch-rival and my one grand back!"

The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. You should know that by now.

Edmund: "YOU THINK GOD HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS LEGACY ANYMORE?"

Patience: "Grandma is probably so proud of him, and that's not a compliment."

Edmund: "Hey, you guys ever listen to music backwards to get ideas for how to kill people?"

I am so glad you're planning to get a job with federal government!

Aw, my boys! Playing games together like old times. :) I'm a little sad that college is almost over! There's just one last thing for me to do before I wrap things up here.

Edmund: "Hey, marry me."

Noelle: *excited ape sounds*

Can you fucking people obsess over literally anything else? Fine, go get probed and violated, see if I care.

Oh, that was easy. Edmund got abducted after about an hour of looking through the telescope. Must have been all the early-childhood rendezvous with them he had growing up.

Edmund: "Xenu, he knows me."

Once again, kibosh on Scientology. But, whatever, have fun. Hope your asshole doesn't prolapse.

Albert's kinda in denial about losing his job as a superhero, so now he spends his time hobbling around in his gay little costume, crying and rummaging through trash. I'm pretty sure that's the plot to Dispatch, actually.

Hey, buddy. You know your son just got abducted by extraterrestrials? You wanna have some kind of human reaction to that??

Albert: "Nah, I'm good. There's some old Chinese take-out in here with my name on it!"

Your feeble wolfman powers are no match for Botulism™.

Edmund: "I'm back, and- wait, what is my dad doing?"

Why are you shocked by anything your stupid father does?

Matchmaker: "Take this fuckin anti-werewolf potion and stop being such an attention whore."

YEAH, BYE ALBERT. Give someone else a chance to be fucking crazy for once, why don't you.

Anyway, Edmund brings his alien cousin Viola home from school later that day! It's time to make a good first impression, Viola, so what defines you as a character?

Viola: "Carnal lust, mostly."

Oh, cool, join the club! That means you want to fuck people outside of the family, right? R

Foolish of me for hoping otherwise.

Edmund: "I remember what happened to Auntie Portia, so. No thank you."

Viola: "Okay, fine, but what about your brother?"

I don't know, what ABOUT his brother? Okay, time for college, I'm sick of being here.

"Dale, why did you put the alien cousins in with the main kids if you didn't want them to fuck?" I don't know. Blind optimism, probably.

Edmund immediately got to work making fucking enemies like the alpha male he is.

Edmund: "TAKE THAT PROFESSOR SNAPE!"

Hello, Kit the Piss Ghost, glad you're still hanging around.

Avril here was on her way to sexually harass Edgar, which I'm not mad about. She's cute as hell, and I bet they'll make some good-looking kids!

Viola: "Edgar's got a girlfriend? Not if I have anything to say about it."

YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM YOU HARLOT

Meanwhile, Edmund has discovered the cowplant his mom left behind, complete with 20 year old murder milk. That stuff's gotta be foul by now.

Edmund: "Nah, it's nicely fermented, like kefir!"

Edmund: "Hey, Weeaboo Niles, you ever get the craving to drink a man's liquified cadaver?"

The real question is why Weeaboo Niles still hangs out in the co-ed dorms when he's a forty year old man.

I like this grudge that's being passed down through the generations. Kicking Margie's ass is a family tradition at this point.

Edgar: "Oh, Avril! I love you! You're the only girl for me!"

Look me in the eye and say that, you two-timing cousin fucker. Ugh.

At least her twin brother doesn't keep it in the family. Sebastian's type is doughy, nerdy guys, like Sweater Cuck here. Homeboy generally keeps to himself, which is cute, but very boring.

Edmund had one taste of the forbidden milkshake and now it's all he talks about. Maybe he should keep his conspiracies to himself when the prospective victim's not in the room.

Edmund: "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, EVESDROPPER!"

Margie: "Woah, chill, I'll go out onto the patio. Jeez."

Just according to keikaku.

Elf Woman: "Boo!!!! I died off-screen!"

Margie: "EEEK! A GHOST!"

YEAH SUPER SCARY I BET YOU'RE REALLY HUNGRY NOW, HUH?!

Margie: "Sure am! I'm gonna go downstairs and get some spaghetti!"

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CAKE?! IT'S RIGHT THERE!! I have never met a dormie more immune to death than Margie.

Patience: "Don't worry, Edmund! You'll get her ass one way or another!"

Edmund: "Are you saying I just have to be... patient?"

Patience: "Y... yeah? Why don't you go find something else to do in the meantime? Get a hobby? Or a girlfriend, maybe?"

Viola: "Oh, please. Who's desperate enough to date Edmund?"

Aside from you? I can only think of one other woman in the entire town.

Noelle: *STARE STARE STARE STARE STARE*

Portia: "HIYA MOM I'M STILL PREGNANT MIGHT WANNA COME OVER SOON SO YOU CAN MEET YOUR NEW GRANDCHILD!"

Regan: "Officer, I swear I don't know who that is."

Hot Cop: "I know you, I know your family, I know that's not true."

Regan: "ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR? EXTRATERRESTRIALS HAVE ALTERED MY DNA AND HAVE ENDOWED ME WITH PARASCIENTIFIC YOUTHFULNESS AND SEXINESS! I'LL TEAR YOUR ORGANS FROM YOUR ABDOMINAL CAVITY AND DEVOUR THEM AS YOU WATCH."

Portia: "Mom please stop."

Sweater Cuck: "Snrk! Blaven! P-p-p-parascientific sexiness?! How irresistible!"

You're telling me the Gas Station Cock Hunt was a success and all Regan had to do was be crazy in public?

This is the bull, huh? Lestat the Pimp? He's not even remotely in his twenties.

You just met him, Regan, I don't think you gotta worry about that. Also lmao Odo banned from nuptials.

Lestat is a huge bitch, fortunately, so they spend their 7/11 date gossiping about townies.

Regan: "My daughter told me about this Noelle woman who compulsively propositions anyone she comes across! What a whore!"

Glass houses? Pots, kettles? Whatever, we're leaving.

Edgar: "Is this Auntie Portia's house? Why am I a child?"

All good questions! I shall answer approximately zero of them. And, look! Back behind the car is Portia's husband, Bren. I refused to let her marry any of the usual slimeballs she enjoys, so I Weird Science'd her a guy.

Portia: "Come feel the baby, Edmund!"

Edmund: "EW NO GET AWAY FROM ME!"

Wholesome family moments <3

Men will do anything to avoid spending time with their wive's families, smh.

Bren: "OH HELL NO YOU'RE NOT GONNA CHARACTERIZE ME AS AN ASSHOLE, I DIDN'T DO THIS ON PURPOSE!"

Yeah, you're a Knowledge sim, this is like a Saturday night trip to the local BDSM dungeon for you.

Regan: "WELL I'M STILL NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT BECAUSE HE'S GONNA COME BACK PREGNANT AND I KNOW YOUR STUPID SONS ARE GONNA FUCK WHATEVER ALIEN BASTARD COMES OUT!"

DON'T JINX IT! DON'T FUCKING JINX IT!!!

Bren: "Ogh, hngh.... Ouch, I'm back. And they said something about... incest??"

Yeah, the aliens are following along at home. Hi, aliens.

Portia finally gets to give birth! This is Patience, and I love her curly hair and her little pixie face. :)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. Hey, Pocket! What're you doing here alone in the kitchen?

Pocket: "Mourning. I love Regan, but she made me immortal and soul-bound to the family. I am condemned to serve these wretched people and their offspring until the world burns, and yet I still remain, stranded. I will hate them, I will love them, and I'll watch them all wither and die, powerless to bring an end to it all."

Damn. Can we back up a bit, though? Soul? She gave you a soul? How the fuck?

Pocket: "Oh my God go away, grant me the peace that my creator could not."

Albert: "Boink! Haha! Gotcha, dumb bitch!"

Regan: "OW YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE I'LL KILL YOU!"

YOU'RE ON REAL FUCKING THIN ICE, ALBERT.

Yeah, go. Go eat cookies with your little son.

Edmund: "Hey, dad, guess what? I've finally made contact with the aliens that are monitoring our family."

Albert: "Okay, there's- there's aliens monitoring the family?"

Edmund: "Yeah, and they're really, really unhappy that you've inserted yourself into the Manwich affairs. They said they know you, they're not afraid, but they think that you should be."

Albert: "Psh, afraid, yeah. Of what? Them? Some gangly dorks up in space?"

Edmund: "No, dad. Afraid of me."

Albert: "OF YOU?! You're like, nine, what can you do to an arch-devil?"

Edmund: "Many things. A reckoning is upon you, Ashmedai. Patrem meum regno exuam, and by my hand will you know agony."

Albert: "Oh, fuck off, you little pubic louse, I'm going to bed. I have work in the morning."

Edmund: "Work, huh? Not for much longer."

Aw. Father/Son bonding! He's got way too much of Albert in him for me to find him as cute as I do. Maybe it's just because he's unhinged and scary all of the time.

He'd be scarier if he didn't cry to the manslave anytime someone says something slightly mean to him, though.

Edmund: "POCKET I HATE MY DAD SO MUCH!"

Pocket: "Same."

Edmund: "I'M GOING TO RUIN HIM!!! I SWEAR!!!"

Pocket: "Per aspera ad meliora, kiddo. Your time will come."

Edmund: "You're right! I will usurp my father's throne and cause human suffering on an unprecedented scale!"

Pocket: "I didn't tell you to do any of that but alright."

Aw!! At least he loves his mom. :)

Regan came home and aged up right after. :( Still a total GILF, but now she's closer to death! I'm not ready!

Regan: "THE ALIENS LIED! MY YOUTH IS GONE!"

EDMUND'S CURSE

Edmund: "HI DAD HOW WAS WORK?"

Albert: "FUCK OFF I DON'T EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW."

I was wondering why you were in your gym clothes.

Edmund: "I'm training to defeat my father. My small size gives me a disadvantage, but I believe strength and resilience will be my ultimate boon."

You know you can, like, grow up? You can be larger.

Edmund: "OH SHIT?! SAY LESS."

Oh my God. Edmund, you're my favorite. It's official.

Edmund: "I look like my great-grandpa!"

You sure do! King Edmund!

Fuck, I love him. He rolled Knowledge/Popularity and wants to be the head of the SCIA, because of course he does. Why wouldn't he want to know everything there is to know, and also rub shoulders with aliens?

Edmund: "My bookish, scholarly appearance will be disarming, but my right hook will be deadly. I will be unstoppable."

Reminder that you're mortal and human.

Edmund: "My vengeful spirit will remain long after my body dies."

I mean, it's the Sims, so, yeah.

Now Lillie must take up the mantle of "Elderly Person Who Never Stops Fucking Dancing" in this household. It's a heavy burden, but she looks like she's having a good time, despite being a recent widow.

Excuse me, young man, who the fuck said you could grow up?

Edmund: "Fool. I am the Little Horn. I am the Son of Perdition. I thrive on death. I feast on suffering. Of course I've grown."

What fucking suffering, though, actually? No one in this house gave a fuck that Martin died. Everyone here's pretty emotionally stable despite the rampant mental illness that's permeating the Manwich gene pool. Eternal sunshine of the delusional mind and shit.

Edmund: "Oh."

Don't sweat the suffering thing, though, you're still a kid. You can cause suffering when you're older! Go play with your toys and enjoy your youth in the meantime!

Edmund: "Yeah!! That sounds like a good idea!"

So I looked, and behold, a pale horse. And the name of him who goofed around with it was Death, and Hades followed with him. 

Edmund: "It's actually Sheol that follows, you poser. I'm teaching my great-grandma about it now."

Lillie: "Edmund, I can't read Hebrew, I've told you this several times now!"

Edmund: "Skill issue, I was born fluent in Hebrew, Aramaic, and Latin."

I'm gonna be terrified if Edmund grows up to be a politician or cult leader.

Anyway, Pocket and Albert still fucking hate each other.

Albert: "HE KEEPS TRYING TO TALK TO ME ABOUT HARRY POTTER!"

Pocket: "GANDALF IS FROM LORD OF THE RINGS, YOU FUCKING MORON!"

I don't know how either of you would know about Rowling or Tolkien because all we've got in the house is King James and Dan Brown.

I swear to God Edgar is the only normal person in this family.

Edgar: "Look, Dad! I'm an Honor Roll student!"

Albert: "That's nice, Edmund. I'm telling Pocket about how the Earth is actually a prison planet for evil alien souls."

Please don't convert the robot to Scientology. That's the last thing we need.

Trying to get them to behave was a futile effort, because as soon as they stopped hanging out, Pocket began to harass Albert again.

Pocket: "I'm gonna kill you, and you better hope you get reincarnated into a baby who can fight better!"

He's not a thetan, he's a demon, but yeah, at this point it would take a miracle for Albert to appropriately and successfully defend himself from the titanium murder golem. I'm just gonna let them fight it out and check in on how Edgar and Edmund are doing inside!

Aw, they're studying, like good boys! I always like to WAIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

GOD DAMN IT ALBERT I LEFT YOU ALONE FOR TWO SECONDS

Albert: "Snarl! Growl! Now I am a hunky wolf-cop! On the sexiness scale, I'm maxed out!"

Yeah but on the Norwood Scale you're at like a 5, what the fuck happened?!

At least Val doesn't seem to mind. Please don't make any more children, though, I'm begging you.

Albert: "No promises, I'm about to Savage her reproductive organs."

Ew! Gross!

Regan: "Hmm? What's all that howling and snarling and screaming in the other room?"

Either a two-person reenactment of the orgy scene from Howling 2 or Albert's getting his furry ass handed to him by Pocket. It's probably the latter.

Albert doesn't really need to sleep anymore as a nocturnal dogman, so now he and Pocket can fight all day AND all night! <3

Lillie: "I love seeing Pocket and Albert getting along!"

Oh, you're like. SENILE senile.

Edmund: "Hey, Dad! Look! I'm still an Honor Roll student!"

Albert: "TIME FOR A NAP, ACTUALLY!"

Would it kill you to pay attention to your kids?

Edmund: "Hey, Dad, it's me, Edmund! I'm on the Honor Roll, too!"

Albert: "Huh? Edmund? What?" *pays attention*

Huh, I guess it would kill him! And I already used Revelation 6:8! Oh well. Bye, Albert! Have fun in Hell Hades Sheol!

Grim: "GROSS EW NO I'M NOT HERE FOR HIM."

Albert: "Oh, okay, I'll go then." *fucking disappears*

Yeah, it's Lillie's time. :( Everyone was super broken up about it, too, much more than Martin's death. Even our little anti-Christ was weeping openly!

Edmund: "NOOOO!!! GREAT-GRANDMAAAAA!!!! I HATE DEATH!"

You'll change your mind once you get to college, I assure you.

Lillie: "Well, I LOVE death! Here I come, Marty!"

Tell him I said hi! :) Lillie Manwich died at 79 Sim-Days old, perma-plat after becoming a bigshot game dev and getting kicked off the stage at the Game Awards. Now she can nerd out with King Martin in the afterlife about Crash Bandicoot for all eternity! <3

Pocket: "There, there, buddy. I know it's hard, but you just have to keep going with her in your heart."

Albert: "HOW DARE HE CONSOLE MY SON!"

Yeah, because you're the picture of paternal love. You don't even know which son that is.

Regan: "Hey, little man! Bring it in!"

Edmund: "Salve, avia! Ave Domine Inferni!"

You know better than to talk to your grandma about Satan stuff. Why don't you try speaking her language?

Edmund: "Alright, uh... Grandma, did you know that Jesus Christ was a grey alien?!"

Regan: "I did, actually! Congratulations on your heirship, by the way."

Edmund: "Wait, what?"

Edmund: "HEY ASSHOLE GUESS WHO'S HEIR!"

Edgar: "I SHOULD'VE SMOTHERED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!"

Just kidding, they're best friends. Probably.

Look who got a promotion. You went to work looking like that?

Albert: "I'm perma-plat now, your cruel words have no effect on me."

Neither does Rogaine, apparently. Enjoy your beer, Captain Alcoholic.

Albert: "Hey! I'm a superhero! Superheroes can't be alcoholics!"

Tony Stark begs to differ.

Hi, Martin! Someone's a cheery ghost!

King Martin: "I saw the strip club behind me and all the memories came flooding back!"

Really? I think I remember that time in your life a little differently. Something about not being able to hold down a job and turning to sex work. As long as you're happy about it, I guess.

Oh? What's that? I failed Noble Composure? No I didn't. You can't prove it. Pinstar is like 85 now, what are you gonna do, call him in the nursing home?

Edgar: "I'm a teen! My hands are so big! Imagine then crushing my little brother's windpipe!"

Edmund: "Mom. Did you hear that? Mom? Hello? Was that a threat?"

I don't think she can hear you, I think she's gone to her happy place because her husband's impending ass-beating just entered the room.

Now you're old enough to work in the garden that we still have for some reason! Have fun!

Edgar: "You're still gonna come talk to me, right?"

King Martin: "HOORAY! NEW BABY gee whiz my wife is smokin' hot CONGRATULATIONS VAL!"

God, Marty is a GREAT-GRANDFATHER. I NEVER THOUGHT THIS FUCKER'D EVEN PROCREATE. He may have been a little distracted during the birth, but he had a sweet moment with baby Edgar later on when everyone was in bed. :)

King Martin: "Hey, little man. I'm your great-grandad, and I love you so much. I don't even care that you aren't the anti-Christ, you're my special guy."

I'm so glad I'm not drunk right now because I would be SOBBING.

And thank god someone's paying attention to Edgar, because Albert immediately knocked up Valeria with Baby #2. Dude she gave birth like an hour ago, maybe give her poor vagina a fucking break. You're gonna get placenta all over the place.

Valeria: "I put down a towel, it'll be fine! :D"

CAN YOU STAND UP FOR YOURSELF IN THIS INSTANCE PLEASE THANKS

Pocket's new favorite hobby is beating the fuck out of Albert, specifically after coitus.

Pocket: "I want him to associate intercourse with being brutalized."

You are the Pavlov of birth control. Too bad she's already pregnant.

Regan: "What about me? I fight bitches, too!"

Sorry I haven't been paying much attention to you, Regan, but you don't do anything interesting anymore. You haven't had a bootycall in, like, ten years. Maybe you should do something sexy and noteworthy.

Regan: "ALRIGHT FINE!"

Regan: "I TOPPED THE LAW CAREER, AREN'T YOU PLEASED?"

Eh.

Valeria: "OH BOY I'M PREGNANT AGAIN! Where's my husband? I need to share the good news!"

He's a little busy right now in the other room, hon, but I'll see if I can get ahold of him.

HEY ALBERT STOP CRYING SO LOUD YOUR WIFE WANTS YOU

Albert: "WAAAAAIEEEEEEEE, POCKET IS SO MEAN TO ME!!!!!"

Pocket: *basks in Albert's misery*

Ugh, fine, I'll come back later.

Pharoah are we talking about the same guy here

Edgar: "I GREW UP AND I'M MISERABLE!!!!"

That's gonna be a running theme throughout your life, I think.

Edgar: "SCREEEEEEEAM!!!"

For not being the anti-Christ, you sure do take after your man-baby demon father a whole lot.

Edgar actually ends up having a pretty wholesome toddlerhood, especially with King Martin doting on him constantly. I really have never seen Martin take to a kid in the family like this, so the only conclusion I can feasibly draw is misogyny.

This era of peace could not last, however, for a new threat loomed on the horizon for the Manwich dynasty.

So, yeah, the whole "anti-Christ" thing I've been building to has been in reference to this motherfucker. This is Edmund Manwich, named for the evil brother in King Lear. He has Martin's hair and Val's eyes and he might be the worst Sim ever born in any of my games.

More on him later.

Edgar: "SHRIIIIIIIIEEEEEK I CAN BE AWFUL TOO!"

Yeah, but you're awful in other ways.

The rotten ass apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and the tree is fucking revolting. Any other self-respecting Legacy would've had a cool demon, a stoic badass who waits in the shadows with steepled fingers and sinister plots to throw the challenge into chaos. Albert eats rotten chicken pot pie and gets bullied by the manservant.

Albert: "At least I'm a cop!"

That helps your case so much less than you think it does, homeslice.

The bar in this Legacy is literally so low that I took this screenshot as if, like, this was something worth celebrating.

King Martin: "Hey, kiddo, I'm not sure how to tell you this, but I don't think your husband is an archdevil. I think he's just a slovenly buffoon with poor social skills who you met on a blind date coincidentally after you committed serial murder."

Valeria: "Huh? What was that, grandad? I can't quite understand you."

King Martin: "Please stop trying to gaslight me into thinking I have dementia again."

Sorry, Marty, she just can't hear you over all the girlbossing. Now she's up there with all the Food Network stars, individuals who are so famous that I'm struggling to name a single one.

Last year, I lost my job after having a suicidal meltdown the day Alton Brown had a book signing at my store. I hope Val can be that for someone someday. :)

I grew up Edmund early because I was so tired of him constantly screaming, and also because I'm impatient. Didn't even throw him a party.

And no, Martin never changes out of his fucking pajamas, thanks for asking.

Honestly, I mostly aged up Edmund because I want him and Edgar to grow up together. I think I'm just used to all the twins my Sims keep having. These two are Irish twins, as my mom would say.

I cannot get over Edmund's random red hair, it delights me. Nothing else about him does, though. (I also don't think I took any more pictures of him after this until he became a child, oops lmao)

As if knowing my intentions, Edgar promptly grows up in protest.

Edgar: "I don't speak baby, and if he tries to talk to me, I'm gonna punt him across the front yard."

A lovely sentiment coming from a Hitler Youth in banana pajamas. Why don't you put on some normal clothes and go do something unproblematic?

Yeah, that's good! Go dance with your great-grandad! He loves that shit!

As if knowing my intentions, King Martin promptly dies in protest.

wait

OMFG NO!!!!!

Marty, you can't leave! Who's gonna maintain some air of normalcy around here?! WHO'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS?!?!

King Martin: "Who knows! Peace out, motherfuckers!"

I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER SUICIDAL MELTDOWN

Well, my first Legacy death. :( King Martin Manwich died aged 81 Sim Days old, perma-platinum after becoming the Hand of Poseidon. Sired three ruthless sluts who gave him a whole slew of grandchildren, and then went on and lived long enough to meet his great-grandsons. It was a hell of a time finding him a wife and coaxing him into succeeding at anything, but I guess Marty was just a late bloomer.

Bye, honey! You are one of my favorite Sims I've ever played, and I'll always remember you!

God, Albert, picking a fight with the manslave in the room where your wife's grandfather is dying really is just such a YOU thing to do. You go, girl!!!!

Albert: "I DON'T LIKE NOT BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION!!!"

Then this guy got ghouled the fuck out, and Julius was extremely normal about it!

Julius: "WOOP WOOP I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL! :D"

Your poor goddamn sister is in shambles over this, can't you celebrate in private or on Twitter or something?

I didn't take many pictures of him, but Julius was a lot of fun to play. He's a Romance Sim first and foremost, so he wants to bang loads of chicks. However, he's also a Grilled Cheese Sim, so he compulsively bungles every opportunity to get laid by ranting endlessly about literal peasant food.

Julius: "Look, Nanette, I you told me not to talk to you ever again, but here's the thing. Dijon mustard? Incredible addition to an otherwise unnoteworthy grilled cheese. But mayo instead of butter? Actual gamechanger."

Nanette: "God if I squint hard enough, I can almost make out the amount of fucks I give."

To even the odds a little bit, I had him wish for handsomeness! Now his awkwardness will be endearing rather than uncomfortable and othering. :)

(I think the wish before that was like, Portia wishing to be hot or something when I was in a mad scramble to find her a man.)

ME AND THE BAD BITCH I PULLED BY BEING AUTISTIC

Abe died finally! I was surprised that despite his incompetence, he'd stayed alive for so long. Once again, Portia neither noticed nor cared. (At least she got her wish for sexiness.)

ALRIGHT TIME TO GRADUATE I'M SICK OF LOOKING AT THIS PLACE.

Welcome back to the Manwich Estate, Val! She celebrates her homecoming by frantically searching the premises for listening devices.

Valeria: "THE PRESIDENT CANNOT KNOW ABOUT MY ILLICIT PLOT TO BIRTH THE ANTI-CHRIST!"

Dude I'm not even sure the president is like... sentient enough to do anything about it. Speaking of which, you wanna invite over your demon boyfriend and get started on that whole anti-Christ thing?

God he is the most genuinely wacked out fucking Sim I've ever seen in any of these games.

Albert: "MY DARK ANGEL, AT LAST, OUR UNHOLY UNION IS AT HAND! OUR COUPLING SHALL BE DEVASTATING BOTH TO SOCIETY AND TO YOUR GENITALS!"

Valeria: "NO!!!! NOT YET! WE HAVE TO GET MARRIED FIRST! OUR BABY CAN'T BE BORN OUT OF WEDLOCK!! >:("

Albert: "What?"

Valeria: "Asmodeus, or Prof. Albert Lastnameson, your inability to understand social cues and your complete and total lack of basic human decency are both arousing and endearing. Your demonic charms, bumbling ineptitude, and hateful countenance have beguiled and bewitched me. Please marry me, and let me be the mother of your demon spawn."

Albert: "Are you fucking kidding me with this shit right now, Val?"

Valeria: "You have to do this, because otherwise I won't have sex with you, and I doubt anyone else will either, so, you could just say no and never get laid."

Albert: "OKAY FINE I'LL DO IT FOR THE PUSSY."

Valeria: "Yaaaaay!"

Regan: "Hey, Val, super responsible and mature of you to postpone the wedding by a few weeks to work on your career."

Valeria: "Thanks. I want to be at a place financially that I'm comfortable bringing new life into this world."

Regan: "It also shows a great deal of restraint on your part to live in a room separate from Albert until then."

Valeria: "I want our first time to be special!"

Girl you've literally already had sex, who cares.

Albert: "I WANT TO INSEMINATE MY GIRLFRIEND!!!"

Ah-ah! Fiancée!

Albert: "FUCK THIS GAY EARTH!!!"

Good job, working out your aggression in a healthy and productive way! And also getting ripped for your new cop job! I did actually put the wedding off for a couple Sim days while they both got promotions.

King Martin: "Val, can I just say how proud of you I am that you're putting the wedding off?"

Albert: [screaming internally]

Albert: "Check out these guns! I'm ripped as fuck!"

Wow! Just in time for the wedding!

I spent thirty minutes decorating for this and then forgot to put a skybox. Ugh!

Valeria: "My darling! The time has come!"

Albert: "Me too!"

Valeria: "Huh?"

Pocket: "Albert sucks. I'm gonna play pool."

But, Pocket!! Doesn't Val look beautiful?!

Pocket: "Fuck off, she looks exactly like her mother."

Well, if you wanna lodge a complaint, the guy whose fault that is is here.

King Martin: "Good job showing up for once in her life!"

Odo: "Yeah, sure. Which one's my daughter?"

King Martin: "The one getting married, dumbass."

Odo: "That dude's my daughter?"

*ahem* WHAT A BEAUTIFUL CEREMONY!!!!!

Valeria: "The pact is sealed. You belong to me now."

Albert: "I think I'm supposed to say that."

You're gonna regret taking human form.

Albert: "I have waited millennia for this."

Valeria: "It was only like two and a half weeks, dude, chill."

Then he put his thingy in her you-know-what and they did it for the first time.

Immediately after they had sex, Pocket got a hair up his ass and dragged Albert down into the garage so he could mercilessly beat the shit out of him in his creepy little mesh undies. Valeria watched. I think this was a hazing ritual.

Albert: *weeps softyl*

INSEMINATION SUCCESSFUL! Demon baby confirmed for Brawl!

King Martin: "A great-grandchild?! OH, SATAN, HEAR MY THANKS!"

I don't think the big guy downstairs had much to do with... any of this, really. Thanks for starting that fucking fire, though.

Lillie: "DON'T WORRY, I GOT THIS!!"

QUEEN LILLIE COMING IN CLUTCH YET AGAIN. WE STAN.

Portia: "Look, Daddy, I'm pregnant too!"

King Martin: "IF IT AINT A DEMON I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!"

Valeria went ahead and gave birth just to stunt. Look at the turn out!

Regan: "Val, can you do that a little quieter? I'm watching Joe Rogan."

You're just mad because you're a grandma now.

I give you: Edgar Manwich! Named for the good brother in King Lear, he's got Val's eyes and Al's-

Valeria: "I don't think this one's the anti-Christ."

Huh? What?

Valeria: "Yeah, I'm not getting anti-Christ vibes off him. I'm gonna need to make another."

With his dark message delivered, Asmodeus's proxy promptly died out on the sidewalk. Thank you for the donation of your soul, it will be put to good use!

Hanako: "Valeria's collecting souls to get herself a husband? Sounds like a worthy cause!"

Another fine contribution! Sorry about your girlfriend, though, Regan.

Hey, look who also died! Not super sure how, but whatever the cause, I'm willing to bet he pissed himself in the process. <3

I never imagined the cowplant milk tastes very good, it looks gross. My headcanon is that it's comparable to that terrible Core Power protein milk, except warmer and saltier.

Valeria: "It's an acquired taste!"

So's murder, I guess.

Portia pretty immediately moved on to this new guy, Abe Hustler, who is one of her mom's boyfriends.

Portia: "Now that's quality assurance!"

Your mom has notoriously bad taste in men, I don't think she'd know quality if it punched her in the face.

Portia: "Um, Abe? Can you get up, please? You're being super embarrassing!"

I don't think he can hear you, babe.

Portia: "How is this relationship going to work out if we can't communicate effectively?!"

Don't worry, I'll make you a new boyfriend. One that has no relation to your family whatsoever. How's that sound?

Portia: "Abe please get up people are noticing!!!"

Rosaline: "Alas, poor Abe! Oh, pitiable soul, I do so hope that he comes to!"

Valeria: "Fuck this guy, I hope he never wakes up."

You three are too much. Can we get a live Julius reaction?

And what the fuck are you doing?

Julius: "I HAVE CLEVERLY DISGUISED MYSELF AS A TREE IN HOPES THAT A GIRL WILL TOUCH MY PENIS!"

Oh, good, I'm glad it's not anything weird. I was worried for a second.

Ophelia: "JULIUS WHY THE FUCK DID YOU THINK THAT WOULD WORK?"

Julius: "It works in movies! I swear!"

If there's one thing I learned in college, it's that girls LOVE unwanted sexual contact!

Meanwhile, the cheerleader died! And her replacement is, um. A little off-kilter.

Cheerleader: "HEY! HEEEYYY!!! I'M CHEERING! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! IF YOU GUYS DON'T START PAYING ATTENTION TO ME RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA RUN OUT ONTO THE FREEWAY AND DIE! THEN YOU'LL ALL BE SORRY!"

The girl in front was so annoyed that she promptly went and got eaten by the cowplant.

Valeria drank her celebratory murder milk and called the Matchmaker. Let's see what form Asmodeus has assumed to claim his unholy bride!

Valeria: "Why does he fucking look like that?"

Matchmaker: "Do you want your demon husband or not?"

Valeria: "UUUGHHHH FINE! I'll give him a shot."

Valeria: "So, um. What do I call you?"

Albert: "In this form, I am Albert. Though I am currently a professor of political science, I endeavor to integrate myself into the very threads of your society so that I may rend it asunder from within. I've chosen a most worthy and diabolical profession, one that commands great respect and absolves me of all wrongdoing in the eyes of mortal men."

Valeria: "Oh, uh, cool. What profession?"

Albert: "I will become a police officer. As such, I will be nigh untouchable, no matter what atrocities I may commit."

Valeria: "That's a little topical for this Legacy, my man, can we keep it light?"

Albert: "Oh, yeah, sure thing. Say, where's that music coming from? I'm in a dancing mood!"

And then he dances embarrassingly to rap music. Honestly, if I saw some guy dressed like this breaking it down Caucasian style to NWA, I'd be impressed.

Downtown? Where the guys are drips? Downtown, where they rip your slips? Downtown, where relationships are no-go? Down on Skid Row?

Yeah sure why not, she's already got the giant plant that eats people.

Crumplebottom: "I'M ON TO YOU LITTLE SHITS, IF I SEE EVEN A SPECK OF LUST IN YOUR EYES, I WILL RAIN HELLFIRE UPON YOU!"

Albert: "So, um, lovely evening, isn't it?"

Valeria: "Oh! Uh, yeah! A, uh, lovely evening to stand around platonically and have no sexually-charged interactions at all whatsoever!"

They started making out full force the moment Crumplebottom went inside, but soon another problem presented itself.

Noelle: "HEY GEE WHIZZ YOU GUYS ARE GOOD-LOOKING, GOT ROOM FOR ONE MORE?"

NO THEY'RE BOOKED FULL GO AWAY

Noelle: "The audacity! I graciously offered my body to them, and they refused! Hey, you! Are you horny? Do you want to have sex with me?!"

Doomsday Prepper: *muffled yelling*

Noelle: ".... Is that a yes?"

Luckily some fat pirate came over and shut her ass up so Val and Al's terrible date could continue unobstructed.

Albert: "LMAO IS THAT YOUR GRANDMA?? WHAT AN OLD BITCH LOL SHE'S GONNA DIE SOON!"

Lillie: "Hey, that's not very nice!"

Albert: "DO I LOOK LIKE THE COMPLAINTS DESK? GET AWAY FROM ME."

LMAO VIRGIN

Valeria: "Hey, baldo, you and your receding hairline play video games? You look like a gamer, with those little baby wrists and flabby bitch tits of yours."

Very cool, Val, I'm so glad you and Albert came all the way out here to harass people. I guess that's their idea of fun, though, because the date was a huge success.

A what?

Thank you Albert. Val will be sure to think of you every time she's unable to leave her dorm because you left a big fucking fountain in front of the doors.

Well, at least she likes him well enough, even if he does beat the shit out of her and scream like a little baby man every time she hits back.

Two of Cordelia's biological children made the cut by virtue of being absurdly good-looking and also kinda funny. Up top is Rosaline, a Knowledge/Romance sim, and below is her younger brother Julius, who is a Romance/Grilled Cheese sim, which is a wonderful combo.

And the final cousin who came to Uni is Yorick. I was sitting here watching him skill, when who should come up to the balcony but Portia. What could possibly be so interesting up here, I wonder!

LOOKS LIKE INCEST IS BACK ON THE MENU, BOYS! I know they're not blood-related, but it SQUIGS ME OUT SO FUCKING BAD! I'd also like to note that Portia was probably going to be heir when I sent the girls to college. Yorick had other plans for her.

Valeria: "You better not be doing what I think you're doing."

Portia: "SHUT UP, SKANK, YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS I GOT HIM FIRST!"

Valeria: "Hey, Mom? YOU'RE NOT GONNA FUCKING BELIEVE THIS!"

Valeria: "PORTIAAAA MOM SAYS YOU'RE DISINHERITED IF YOU DON'T STOP GETTING FUCKED BY FAMILY MEMBERS!"

Portia: "MOM CAN SUCK MY ENTIRE ASS!"

Welp, that settles it! Congratulations, Val, your demon pact's working as intended. Your patron came through.

Valeria: "COOL NOW I CAN CAST ELDRITCH BLAST!"

No you can go get a fucking boyfriend is what you can do

Valeria: "Please set me up with a man so I don't end up like my sister!"

PLEASE BE A GOOD ONE PLEASE BE A GOOD ONE

WELL THAT'S FIVE GRAND DOWN THE DRAIN

Huh? You just fucking got here?

Old Professor: "I know when I'm not wanted."

Matchmaker: "Another job well done!" *celebratory jerk-off dance*

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I USE THE CHEATY CRYSTAL BALL TO GET DATES FOR EVERYONE. Let's see who's in the stars for Val!

ABSOLUTELY NOT

Valeria: "Are you guys seeing this shit?"

GOD I WISH I WEREN'T

Matchmaker: "BY THE POWER OF SCOLIOSIS YOU WILL HAVE A MAN!"

Better than whatever Necronomicon sex magic bullshit she'd get up to otherwise.

Date Number Two: Human Centipede Edition

Fun fact while Val's getting her first kiss: this guy here, Jordan, is who she ended up marrying in a previous version of the neighborhood. Knowing what I know now, I had her keep looking after this. He was boring, his kids were boring, everything was boring. I CRAVE EXCITEMENT AT ALL MOMENTS OF THE DAY.

Yorick: "Ugh, I'm sick of their PDA. Can't they do that in private?"

Can't you shove your head in a garbage disposal?

Weeaboo Niles: "WOAH GROSS WHAT AN UGLY BITCH!"

Thank you for your opinion, Grown Adult Man In A Kimono, I'm sure these college girls really give a shit what you think.

It's the FIRST SEMESTER and you still couldn't keep yourself alive? God maybe you deserve to be dead.

Yorick: *squealing and crying*

Too bad she died on the hour, so all her actual mourners immediately went to class lol. She got the dregs of sympathy after that.

Valeria: "UM EW, HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF A SHOWER??"

She's dead, Val. Corpses stink.

Valeria: "I CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DECOMP PURGE AND PIT STANK AND THIS BITCH SMELLS LIKE A LOCKER ROOM!"

Why do you know what decomp smells like? You're an art major.

Valeria: "The scent of decay heralds the arrival of my beloved Asmodeus!"

Oh, good, as long as it wasn't murder-related.

Valeria: "We'll get to that."

This guy moved in and Portia really likes following him around and talking about sex and video games. He cannot stand either subject, so they hate each other as a result.

Portia: "I swear to God, it tastes like mint! The first time it happened I was like 'Oh my God, this is delicious!' and he was like 'Oh, for real?' and so I snowballed him, and-"

Guy: "Pause that excruciating story, would you? I need to talk to your sister."

Guy: "VALERIA MANWICH, THIS IS YOUR DEMONIC PATRON, THE PRINCE OF HELL, THE ARCHEDEVIL ASMODEUS. I WILL MAKE YOU ANOTHER DEAL: IF YOU SACRIFICE SIX DEPRAVED SOULS, I WILL BE ABLE TO ASSUME MATERIAL FORM AS A MORTAL MAN AND CLAIM YOU AS MY BRIDE!"

Valeria: "SAY NO MORE HOMEBOY I GOT YOU!"

Regan: "Oh, hey, Val! How's college?"

Valeria: "Not right now mom! Do you still have that cowplant? I really need to use it."

Regan: "SAY NO MORE HOMEGIRL I GOT YOU!"

Regan: "You sure showed up fast! Anyway, here it is! I hope it brings you as much joy as it did to me!"

Valeria: "Thanks Mom! You have no idea how much this means to me!"

Regan: "Promise me you'll kill Yorick first, I'm so tired of Portia calling and telling me about his penis and balls and butthole."

Valeria: "I know, Mom. We're all tired."

GET VORED, COUSIN FUCKER

Aw, she kinda reminds me of my real life mom! But I think this would be a very, very different Legacy if she was similar to her in any way other than appearance.

Lillie: "THAT CARTWHEEL WAS MEDIOCRE AT BEST. LOSE SOME WEIGHT AND LEARN A TRADE, WHY DON'T YOU!"

AAAAHHH STOP STOP STOP!!!! IT'S TOO REAL!!!

I think we all knew this was coming. Regan took a long look at her list of conquests and found them all lacking, so she's built herself the perfect man. Of course, she had to initiate him, because who else is more perfect for Regan than Regan herself?

This is Pocket, named after King Lear's jester in the novel Fool, noteworthy for being a conniving little shit and for fucking Lear's daughters. His stats are the same as Regan's and his LTW is to top the athletic career.

Regan: "I've created life! In the eyes of God, I am his equal!"

I don't think God's been in the picture since you were a toddler, baby girl.

Regan: "Damn, I really outdid myself, 'cause this guy's a HUNK!"

There is something psychologically wrong with this whole situation, if I'm being honest.

Yeah? His first ever social interaction and it's you soliciting him?

Whatever, at least it's consensual, I guess.

Regan: "OHHH BABY, YOU'RE SO FIIIIINE!"

I love your priorities, Regan, your daughter is sitting here trying to stop dying of heat stroke before CPS gets her ass and you're getting horny over Johnny 5.

I think this was the first indication that Pocket is the worst Servo. Just a big fucking bowl of cornflakes. King Martin's bumbling ass could accomplish that.

Pocket: "Begone from me, thou verminous wretch. It's called breakFAST. As in, get it done FAST. As in, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT."

Pocket: "Guess I should try to get to know you two. So, you kids watch anything good on television lately?"

Portia: "Oh my God, Val, imagine watching television. Couldn't be me."

Valeria: "We only watch police bodycam footage and Catholic exorcisms on YouTube, duh!"

Portia: "Yeah, so fututus moritor in igni, loser child. Enjoy prison."

Pocket: "... Did you just cast a hex on me?"

OHHH WHAT'S HAPPENING BACK THERE??

CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE!!!

Pocket: "MY SENSORS INDICATE THE PRESENCE OF A MILF IN THE IMMEDIATE AREA."

Somehow they've had enough self-control to not continue pursuing each other. I was expecting Freud's Worst Nightmare on day one, but they've remained chaste. Could it be True Love? I'm sappy and drunk enough to think so!

And now, a montage of Pocket's weaponized incompetence!

Pocket: "Call me a loser? Cast a hex on me? Call me a loser?! I'll fucking show you!" *plink plonk*

Guess who cleaned up the trash, killed the roaches, cleaned up the corpses, and then contracted the flu for their efforts? Not fucking Pocket!

POCKET PLEASE, YOU ARE FULFILLING NEITHER THE "BANG" NOR THE "MAID" ASPECTS OF YOUR TITLE!!

Pocket: "I am not bound by the circumstances of my creation. I did not ask to exist."

I LOST A LEGACY POINT FOR YOU!!

Lillie, are you drunk?

nah just kidding shes fine

Pocket's losing his mind though, just a little. Sentience is a heavy burden, after all. So is playing pool all day and ignoring everyone until you start hallucinating, which is what Pocket chooses to do with said sentience.

(Why is the social bunny so fucked up and scary, by the way? I hate it)

Martin's become addicted to dancing in his old age, he's constantly starting Smustle groups or just busting it the fuck down. I like that the family has something to do together instead of ignoring each other or being antagonistic, so I let it happen. Pretty much any time he has nothing to do, he's dancing.

Portia and Valeria grew up, though!! I didn't notice until I'd extracted them way later for photoshoots, but Val's face is the exact same as her mother's and, likewise, Portia is a copy of her dad. THANKS FOR NOTHING, BATBOX.

Anyway, Portia rolled Knowledge and Romance with the LTW to top the Medical career, and Valeria rolled Pleasure and Popularity and wants to be a Celebrity Chef. Very cute! Very normal! Maybe there's hope for them!!!

Okay, Val, sure. We'll get you abducted by aliens. Maybe you'll get picked up by the same Gulf Breeze humanoids that picked up Regan's talking dog friend Hammurabi from a billion updates ago.

(Having grown up near Gulf Breeze, the humanoids in question were probably just methed-up rednecks and not actually aliens, but it can be hard to tell the difference if you're not a Florida native.)

And here's the girls playing... pool, I guess. Look, at this point, I'm just trying to pad for time until they head off to college, because that's where the wild shit happens.

I'm sure a lot of people laugh and wave dismissively at Sims 2 college shenanigans. How absurd, random sex and violence! How quirky, death and incontinence! My real life university campus was a hell hole. A guy was found dead on the hiking trail near my dorm. There was a Satanic altar completely accessible on campus. My first semester there, two kids got arrested for pooping on each other in the parking lot. Sims 2 takes place in Florida, confirmed.

On their first day of high school, one of the girls brought home their cousin, Ophelia, who is FUCKING GORGEOUS. Not sure why her cult leader mom chose to show up unannounced and uninvited, but sure! Indoctrinate these hoes!

Bernie: "Heard my glorious wife and daughter were here, so I thought I'd let myself in!"

I think Bernie might be cursed, because in addition to randomly turning Caucasian at some point in my playthrough, his appearance also heralded ReShade breaking. Sorry for the nasty pictures from this point on, I'll try to edit them to compensate!

What's wrong, Lillie? Aside from the image quality.

Lillie: "I practiced for years on that Game Awards speech and Geoff Keighley told me to wrap it up, so I guess I'm just gonna retire."

Dorito Pope strikes again.

Tried to have Valeria apply for some scholarships, but these are the options the game gave me. Looks like their college career ended before it even began.

Portia: "WHO NEEDS COLLEGE, I'M JUST GONNA BE A CLUB KID!"

That's a terrible idea, actually! Not like you'd be making better decisions at University, but I'm still gonna make you go!

That's where I'll leave you for now, I suppose! Next time: typical University nonsense!

Pocket: "WAIT DON'T FUCKING LEAVE ME HERE LIKE THIS!!!"