#ts2mm

It was like two in the morning when he pulled up, so there was a bit of a wait before we could get Noelle on the horn. Luckily, she works the night shift at the drive through and is therefore free to fuck around at the crack of dawn.

Edmund: "Hey, come over and marry me, thanks."

You and your brother are as smooth as a long trip down a dry slip-n-slide.

Edmund: "The thought of kissing her disgusts me! :D"

Noelle: "Edmund, sweetie? Did you mean to say that out loud?"

Edmund: "YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME IT'S A PART OF THE LORE!"

Noelle: "Oh, alright!"

Noelle: "Ooh, call me, hot stuff!"

He already did, you're already here! >:(

Sebastian and Edgar both stare as obviously as possible at the gardener who happened to be working when this was taking place. Vegeta similarly judges the festivities from afar.

Vegeta: "The concept of human marriage revolts me."

Same, honestly.

Loving this beautiful fairytale wedding. Edmund's probably losing a year off his lifespan every second he's having to put up with this.

Regan: "Wow, Goneril, thanks for standing in front of me throughout the entire ceremony. I didn't want to witness my favorite grandson's wedding or anything."

You sure didn't want to witness your least favorite grandson's wedding, because you yapped through the entire thing.

Seriously, what crawled up your ass? Goneril spent the whole wedding being a huge bitch and picking fights with everyone.

Regan: "Hey, Cordy, heard your kids are all swingers."

Cordelia: "Oh, um, Pharaoh and I have tried everything to discourage them from this hedonistic, indecent lifestyle, but to no avail, unfortunately. I'm sorry you heard about that."

Regan: "What? No!! I think that kicks ass, can I fuck Julius's wife too?"

I'M A BITCH, MY NAME'S ALBERT

What a fucking turnout! Stop yowling already, two of my favorite Sims are about to have sex for the first time!!!

THAT WAS NOT AN INVITATION FOR YOU TO COME WATCH???

Pocket: "GET THEE HENCE, ALBERT. I REBUKE YOU."

Regan: "YEAH GET FUCKED, FUCKLORD."

Albert: "Aw, okay, I guess I'll just go have hot tub sex with my own wife."

I let him, too, since Val's too old to have kids anymore. :(

Aw, how sweet, Regan had been wanting this for a while! Well, more accurately, she wanted to have sex with five people, and Pocket happened to be the fifth. I'm still rooting for their love, though.

Pocket: "I hate Albert. I'm gonna go kick his ass."

Go right ahead.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about your ritual of slapping the shit out of Albert anytime he has sex. I thought something about this picture was oddly familiar.

Edmund: "Well, my biological instinct is to inseminate you now. Hope you're fertile."

Noelle: *thousand-yard stare*

Are you practicing to be a fish? And if you're wondering why Noelle is in her regular clothes, it's because she had to immediately leave her own wedding and work a shift at Domino's. Couldn't find anyone to cover your shift, huh? Been there.

Valeria's Coworker: "Do you hear something?"

Noelle's Coworker: "STOP TALKING TO ME I AM TRYING TO WATCH THE VAMPIRE DIARIES!!"

Edgar and Edmund kinda remind me of Stefan and Damon, if they were both ugly and weird and not good at anything.

Noelle did get pregnant, and I don't know if I have a mod installed that makes pregnancy worse and shittier, but just like every other female Sim in my game, her needs absolutely plummeted.

Pocket: "Can I just get a subscription to pizza? Likr, can you guys schedule a pizza to be dropped off here every five hours?"

Not like she can stay awake long enough to eat anything.

Val and Al aged up. :( I'm glad Albert is that much closer to death, but Valeria is my little baby angel. She can't die! What if Edmund's (almost assuredly ugly) kids are all perfectly normal?! These updates will probably decrease further in quality, and I thought we'd already hit rock bottom!

What are you doing, you weird, smelly bitch?

Noelle: "EDMUND DIDN'T EAT THE FUCKING PANCAKES I MADE FOR HIM!! :D"

Then put them in the fridge? Have you ever even used a dishwasher?? It sure as hell doesn't have a garbage disposal in it.

And Albert, what are you doing, goofing around with King Martin? Go fix the broken trash compactor like I told you to!

Oh, no.

It promptly caught fire, lol. This is the worst fucking night of Albert's life.

Unfortunately, Pocket saved him. Albert lives another day. >:(

SQUEEZE OUT A GOOD ONE

Hello, Generation Five! This is Griffith Manwich, featuring my fucked up baby outfit default. He has Edmund's eyes and Noelle's black hair and an aura of murderous intent. Good enough for me!

God she looks shellshocked. Kinda giving Shelley Duvall.

Noelle: "Labor is a painful and harrowing experience."

Too bad you gotta keep doing it, seeing as this is a Legacy and all. :(

Meanwhile, Edmund ALREADY wants to quit his job that he just got today that he HASN'T EVEN BEEN TO YET. Spoiled brat. ALSO GOD WHY IS HE ALSO OBSESSED WITH VIOLA, GET A HOBBY.

Yay! And I didn't let Viola graduate with the rest of them, so no more sexyfine cousin to distract him from the woman who really loves him.

Okay, throw the wedding party, I want to see all my shitty little babies again!

Why does Regan and Pocket's flirtation have more of an audience than the wedding in progress? Also oops Regular Adult Goneril when her younger sister is elderly. I'll fix it.

Shout out to myself for leaving the event camera on. Shout out to Regan and Sebastian for ignoring the entre ceremony in favor of mean girl shit-talking.

Cute that Regan had the want to see her grandson get married despite being a Romance/Fortune Sim! Sad that she didn't even see it happen, though. She's really close to both boys, but she's a little closer to Edmund than Edgar. I mean, clearly.

Tiana: "Alright, guys, let's toast to the newlyweds!"

I'm glad you're here, boring townie wife of Cordelia's miscellaneous son Iago. It really just isn't a Manwich family gathering without your randomly generated presence. You too, Romana.

Edmund is his father's son, making a big fucking spectacle of walking out in the middle of the toast. Drama whores, the both of you.

Edmund: "I'm not the one making a toast to MY brother at HIS wedding that I WASN'T INVITED TO."

Oh, dramatic AND bitchy. At least he left instead of staying and being all passive-aggressive about it.

They had a good time without him anyway lmao

Sex and the consequences of, respectively. Avril gave birth to their daughter, Bianca. I guess she's technically the start of Generation Five, but whatever, I stopped playing here.

Bye, guys! Thanks for being cute and normal! Now for a household I did not intend to play as much as I did.

Y'all remember last fucking year when Cordelia's kids were relevant? I don't. Anyway, eldest child Rosaline got engaged to her girlfriend Keziah as soon as she moved back from college. I'm gonna be real honest, I don't remember how the fuck they met or even when they did because there's no pictures of them.

Rosaline: "Dearest, I am subconsciously compelled to ask for your hand in marriage!"

Keziah: "I don't know why, but sure, I'll marry you!"

Rosaline: "Oh, joyous day!"

I moved her in and gave her a makeover, and oooooh she's so cute! My loquacious duchess has good taste!

Also in this house are Julius and Cordelia's adopted daughter Cora. Did I ever show Cora? I don't think I did.

Bye, Cora.

Nanette, Julius's girlfriend from college, moved in after, because I liked her and her goth dommy mommy vibe. It's no wonder they do weird kinky roleplay stuff like this all the time.

So, Julius is from Valeria's generation, and I hadn't intended to let any of Cordelia's kids procreate, seeing as all the Gen Four kids had already grown and graduated. My neighbors were setting off fireworks while I was playing, and I leaned over to console my dog for like ten seconds, and in that time, these two beelined for the bed and Nanette was immediately impregnated. So, surprise Gen Four kid! Oops!

This is Desdemona Manwich. I named her after Othello's wife, but the name sounds edgy and I wouldn't put it past Nanette to name her kid something like that. Her middle name's probably "Darkness".

God, of course she grew up with colorful emo hair.

She was a weird little kid who was obsessed with stars and the telescope, and then she grew up into a weirder teenager. She's a Knowledge/Pleasure Sim and she's a MEAN son of a bitch.

Desdemona: "I want to be a vampire."

Yeah, OF COURSE you do. Well, let's get to it.

No vampires, but Grandma Cordelia and Great-Aunt Goneril were at two different clubs! They bonded over similar cattiness and laughing bitchily at the dancers.

I'm glad she got to come out as gay to Uncle Iago, making his first and only appearance before this strangely-dressed woman sucker-punches him into a coma, never to wake again.

Mission successful! God, this is exactly what this Legacy needed: a gay, emo vampire. It's like I pulled her out of a fanfiction from 2006.

Off she goes to Monster High.

By the way, this entire time, everybody's been fucking each other's wives. (Don't mind Julius, one of his job requirements is that he grow 10 inches of hair every single day before his shift.)

Too bad for Viola; I'm 100% in Avril's corner, because fucking LOOK AT HER. SHE'S SO CUTE AND BEAUTIFUL. SHE HAS PINK EYES. My anime girlboss queen.

Edgar: "Viola- I mean, Avriola- I mean, Avril, please do me the honor of becoming my wife, and in doing so, distract me from the temptations of incest."

Avril: "OH EDGAR I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK!"

Y'all met two days ago, but. Sure.

Holy shit, those are some crazy eyes.

Avril: "IMAGINE HOW BEAUTIFULLY THIS WILL SPARKLE AS I'M STRANGLING THAT ALIEN BITCH TO DEATH!"

I mean, I'm not gonna STOP you, but I'm gonna judge you a little bit. Not that much, though.

Edmund: "Ka-chow! What's this feeling in my chest when I look at her? Dread? Do I fear her?"

No, dude, you LOVE her! I'm so proud of you!

Edmund: "Love? For another? No, I only love death and corruption! It must be something else."

I think he may actually be right, because at that exact moment, Public Enemy #1 Margie finally died.

Patience: "Noelle, you're cute, I know you can do so much better than his sociopathic goldfish looking ass."

Noelle: "FUCK YOU BITCH THIS IS TRUE LOVE!"

Are you sure about that?

Well, guess who's had the Want to see Margie's ghost for the entire semester?

Edmund: *scratches ass*

Margie: "OH I'M GONNA SPOOK HIM OUT BUT GOOD!"

Margie: "BOO MOTHERFUCKER!"

Edmund: "AGH! Oh, are you BALDING? LMAO +3,500"

You are such a bitch.

Well, congratulations on your win, I guess. Margie is dead, bald, you still live in her head rent-free, AND you get to consume her remains. Total dormie humiliation.

Edmund: "Yes, and my other victim should be succumbing soon as well!"

Your... your what?

Wh- DID YOU LOCK THE COW MASCOT IN YOUR BEDROOM?!

Edmund: "Sure did! It's like a sleepover in the Thunderdome! Two men enter, one man leaves!"

Dude, you are... something else.

FURRY SOBBING AND STARVING TO DEATH ASMR FOR SLEEP 10 HOURS

I don't know what the cow mascot did to him to invite a slow, agonizing demise, but it's not like Edmund gets along with the home team Spirit Corps anyway.

Edmund: "I HAVE NO NEED FOR SCHOOL SPIRIT!"

Post about it on reddit, I'm sure you'll get a thousand upvotes from other miserable contrarians like yourself.

Palette cleanser: Sebastian started dating this cute guy named Adonis here, and they got engaged! I hope they live happily ever after as far away from this family as possible. :)

Sebastian: "Hey, Edmund, I wanted to let you know, Adonis and I are getting married, and-"

Edmund: "GOD WHAT A BRAGGART, LEAVE ME ALONE! TELL SOMEONE WHO CARES!"

Sebastian: "But- but-! I was gonna invite you to the wedding!"

This guy's getting his PhD in Party Pooping, dude, you really don't want him there.

GO HOME ALBERT YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE

Albert: "I just came to see my boys!"

LEAVE

Edmund: "OH FUCK DAD JUMPSCARE!"

You're telling me, I screamed when I saw him show up uninvited.

FURRY LITERALLY PASSING AWAY ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOOR ASMR BINEURAL BEATS NO ADS

Being the Wattpad love interest that he is, Edmund is only privately toxic and commits all his heinous acts behind closed doors. He's actually Big Man On Campus and belongs to the secret society, as well as making it onto the Dean's List consistently. I'd let him found a fraternity, but that feels a little on-the-nose at this point.

Edmund: "I feel empty without a rival, though."

Sure, dude, just pick someone out and start bullying them. You've never had trouble with that before.

Edmund: "No, I have something else in mind."

Edmund: "Hey, Grim, can I have my friend Margie back? No? How does approximately one thousand dollars sound? Good enough? Well, I'll take it! Thanks, buddy!"

Sebastian: "IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR YOU TO JUST BE NORMAL?"

Margie: "WHY AM I BACK AND WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT?!"

I'll give you one guess and if you don't get it, the answer is standing right behind you.

Oh, never mind, lol

Edmund: "SHE DIED AGAIN?! WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT?!"

Yeah, maybe you shouldn't have killed the cow, huh? That's karma. Or, uh. Cow-ma. Whatever.

Viola: "GOOD JOB YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH!"

I'm also kinda impressed, honestly.

Edmund: "Boooo! What a rip-off! I want my zombie arch-rival and my one grand back!"

The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. You should know that by now.

Edmund: "YOU THINK GOD HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS LEGACY ANYMORE?"

Patience: "Grandma is probably so proud of him, and that's not a compliment."

Edmund: "Hey, you guys ever listen to music backwards to get ideas for how to kill people?"

I am so glad you're planning to get a job with federal government!

Aw, my boys! Playing games together like old times. :) I'm a little sad that college is almost over! There's just one last thing for me to do before I wrap things up here.

Edmund: "Hey, marry me."

Noelle: *excited ape sounds*

Can you fucking people obsess over literally anything else? Fine, go get probed and violated, see if I care.

Oh, that was easy. Edmund got abducted after about an hour of looking through the telescope. Must have been all the early-childhood rendezvous with them he had growing up.

Edmund: "Xenu, he knows me."

Once again, kibosh on Scientology. But, whatever, have fun. Hope your asshole doesn't prolapse.

Albert's kinda in denial about losing his job as a superhero, so now he spends his time hobbling around in his gay little costume, crying and rummaging through trash. I'm pretty sure that's the plot to Dispatch, actually.

Hey, buddy. You know your son just got abducted by extraterrestrials? You wanna have some kind of human reaction to that??

Albert: "Nah, I'm good. There's some old Chinese take-out in here with my name on it!"

Your feeble wolfman powers are no match for Botulism™.

Edmund: "I'm back, and- wait, what is my dad doing?"

Why are you shocked by anything your stupid father does?

Matchmaker: "Take this fuckin anti-werewolf potion and stop being such an attention whore."

YEAH, BYE ALBERT. Give someone else a chance to be fucking crazy for once, why don't you.

Anyway, Edmund brings his alien cousin Viola home from school later that day! It's time to make a good first impression, Viola, so what defines you as a character?

Viola: "Carnal lust, mostly."

Oh, cool, join the club! That means you want to fuck people outside of the family, right? R

Foolish of me for hoping otherwise.

Edmund: "I remember what happened to Auntie Portia, so. No thank you."

Viola: "Okay, fine, but what about your brother?"

I don't know, what ABOUT his brother? Okay, time for college, I'm sick of being here.

"Dale, why did you put the alien cousins in with the main kids if you didn't want them to fuck?" I don't know. Blind optimism, probably.

Edmund immediately got to work making fucking enemies like the alpha male he is.

Edmund: "TAKE THAT PROFESSOR SNAPE!"

Hello, Kit the Piss Ghost, glad you're still hanging around.

Avril here was on her way to sexually harass Edgar, which I'm not mad about. She's cute as hell, and I bet they'll make some good-looking kids!

Viola: "Edgar's got a girlfriend? Not if I have anything to say about it."

YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM YOU HARLOT

Meanwhile, Edmund has discovered the cowplant his mom left behind, complete with 20 year old murder milk. That stuff's gotta be foul by now.

Edmund: "Nah, it's nicely fermented, like kefir!"

Edmund: "Hey, Weeaboo Niles, you ever get the craving to drink a man's liquified cadaver?"

The real question is why Weeaboo Niles still hangs out in the co-ed dorms when he's a forty year old man.

I like this grudge that's being passed down through the generations. Kicking Margie's ass is a family tradition at this point.

Edgar: "Oh, Avril! I love you! You're the only girl for me!"

Look me in the eye and say that, you two-timing cousin fucker. Ugh.

At least her twin brother doesn't keep it in the family. Sebastian's type is doughy, nerdy guys, like Sweater Cuck here. Homeboy generally keeps to himself, which is cute, but very boring.

Edmund had one taste of the forbidden milkshake and now it's all he talks about. Maybe he should keep his conspiracies to himself when the prospective victim's not in the room.

Edmund: "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, EVESDROPPER!"

Margie: "Woah, chill, I'll go out onto the patio. Jeez."

Just according to keikaku.

Elf Woman: "Boo!!!! I died off-screen!"

Margie: "EEEK! A GHOST!"

YEAH SUPER SCARY I BET YOU'RE REALLY HUNGRY NOW, HUH?!

Margie: "Sure am! I'm gonna go downstairs and get some spaghetti!"

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CAKE?! IT'S RIGHT THERE!! I have never met a dormie more immune to death than Margie.

Patience: "Don't worry, Edmund! You'll get her ass one way or another!"

Edmund: "Are you saying I just have to be... patient?"

Patience: "Y... yeah? Why don't you go find something else to do in the meantime? Get a hobby? Or a girlfriend, maybe?"

Viola: "Oh, please. Who's desperate enough to date Edmund?"

Aside from you? I can only think of one other woman in the entire town.

Noelle: *STARE STARE STARE STARE STARE*

Portia: "HIYA MOM I'M STILL PREGNANT MIGHT WANNA COME OVER SOON SO YOU CAN MEET YOUR NEW GRANDCHILD!"

Regan: "Officer, I swear I don't know who that is."

Hot Cop: "I know you, I know your family, I know that's not true."

Regan: "ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR? EXTRATERRESTRIALS HAVE ALTERED MY DNA AND HAVE ENDOWED ME WITH PARASCIENTIFIC YOUTHFULNESS AND SEXINESS! I'LL TEAR YOUR ORGANS FROM YOUR ABDOMINAL CAVITY AND DEVOUR THEM AS YOU WATCH."

Portia: "Mom please stop."

Sweater Cuck: "Snrk! Blaven! P-p-p-parascientific sexiness?! How irresistible!"

You're telling me the Gas Station Cock Hunt was a success and all Regan had to do was be crazy in public?

This is the bull, huh? Lestat the Pimp? He's not even remotely in his twenties.

You just met him, Regan, I don't think you gotta worry about that. Also lmao Odo banned from nuptials.

Lestat is a huge bitch, fortunately, so they spend their 7/11 date gossiping about townies.

Regan: "My daughter told me about this Noelle woman who compulsively propositions anyone she comes across! What a whore!"

Glass houses? Pots, kettles? Whatever, we're leaving.

Edgar: "Is this Auntie Portia's house? Why am I a child?"

All good questions! I shall answer approximately zero of them. And, look! Back behind the car is Portia's husband, Bren. I refused to let her marry any of the usual slimeballs she enjoys, so I Weird Science'd her a guy.

Portia: "Come feel the baby, Edmund!"

Edmund: "EW NO GET AWAY FROM ME!"

Wholesome family moments <3

Men will do anything to avoid spending time with their wive's families, smh.

Bren: "OH HELL NO YOU'RE NOT GONNA CHARACTERIZE ME AS AN ASSHOLE, I DIDN'T DO THIS ON PURPOSE!"

Yeah, you're a Knowledge sim, this is like a Saturday night trip to the local BDSM dungeon for you.

Regan: "WELL I'M STILL NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT BECAUSE HE'S GONNA COME BACK PREGNANT AND I KNOW YOUR STUPID SONS ARE GONNA FUCK WHATEVER ALIEN BASTARD COMES OUT!"

DON'T JINX IT! DON'T FUCKING JINX IT!!!

Bren: "Ogh, hngh.... Ouch, I'm back. And they said something about... incest??"

Yeah, the aliens are following along at home. Hi, aliens.

Portia finally gets to give birth! This is Patience, and I love her curly hair and her little pixie face. :)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. Hey, Pocket! What're you doing here alone in the kitchen?

Pocket: "Mourning. I love Regan, but she made me immortal and soul-bound to the family. I am condemned to serve these wretched people and their offspring until the world burns, and yet I still remain, stranded. I will hate them, I will love them, and I'll watch them all wither and die, powerless to bring an end to it all."

Damn. Can we back up a bit, though? Soul? She gave you a soul? How the fuck?

Pocket: "Oh my God go away, grant me the peace that my creator could not."

Albert: "Boink! Haha! Gotcha, dumb bitch!"

Regan: "OW YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE I'LL KILL YOU!"

YOU'RE ON REAL FUCKING THIN ICE, ALBERT.

Yeah, go. Go eat cookies with your little son.

Edmund: "Hey, dad, guess what? I've finally made contact with the aliens that are monitoring our family."

Albert: "Okay, there's- there's aliens monitoring the family?"

Edmund: "Yeah, and they're really, really unhappy that you've inserted yourself into the Manwich affairs. They said they know you, they're not afraid, but they think that you should be."

Albert: "Psh, afraid, yeah. Of what? Them? Some gangly dorks up in space?"

Edmund: "No, dad. Afraid of me."

Albert: "OF YOU?! You're like, nine, what can you do to an arch-devil?"

Edmund: "Many things. A reckoning is upon you, Ashmedai. Patrem meum regno exuam, and by my hand will you know agony."

Albert: "Oh, fuck off, you little pubic louse, I'm going to bed. I have work in the morning."

Edmund: "Work, huh? Not for much longer."

Aw. Father/Son bonding! He's got way too much of Albert in him for me to find him as cute as I do. Maybe it's just because he's unhinged and scary all of the time.

He'd be scarier if he didn't cry to the manslave anytime someone says something slightly mean to him, though.

Edmund: "POCKET I HATE MY DAD SO MUCH!"

Pocket: "Same."

Edmund: "I'M GOING TO RUIN HIM!!! I SWEAR!!!"

Pocket: "Per aspera ad meliora, kiddo. Your time will come."

Edmund: "You're right! I will usurp my father's throne and cause human suffering on an unprecedented scale!"

Pocket: "I didn't tell you to do any of that but alright."

Aw!! At least he loves his mom. :)

Regan came home and aged up right after. :( Still a total GILF, but now she's closer to death! I'm not ready!

Regan: "THE ALIENS LIED! MY YOUTH IS GONE!"

EDMUND'S CURSE

Edmund: "HI DAD HOW WAS WORK?"

Albert: "FUCK OFF I DON'T EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW."

I was wondering why you were in your gym clothes.

Edmund: "I'm training to defeat my father. My small size gives me a disadvantage, but I believe strength and resilience will be my ultimate boon."

You know you can, like, grow up? You can be larger.

Edmund: "OH SHIT?! SAY LESS."

Oh my God. Edmund, you're my favorite. It's official.

Edmund: "I look like my great-grandpa!"

You sure do! King Edmund!

Fuck, I love him. He rolled Knowledge/Popularity and wants to be the head of the SCIA, because of course he does. Why wouldn't he want to know everything there is to know, and also rub shoulders with aliens?

Edmund: "My bookish, scholarly appearance will be disarming, but my right hook will be deadly. I will be unstoppable."

Reminder that you're mortal and human.

Edmund: "My vengeful spirit will remain long after my body dies."

I mean, it's the Sims, so, yeah.