This of course immediately backfired as multiple teammates who’ve heard Ilya go on and on about how quick Jane drops to her knees to suck him off or begs for him to hit it from the back while arching against his bulge are now clambering for this woman’s number who apparently cums hands free and knows more about puck than anyone here

It gets to the point Ilya has to hide his phone and can no longer get lost in his and Shane’s pregame texting world because now he has to be vigilant for hands looking to snatch his phone directly out of his damn hands (it’s happened twice already and Ilya fought like a feral animal to get it back)

Ultimately it doesn’t last too long though because Ilya can only pretend to be cool for so long before he snaps at yet another teammate fantasizing about fucking his Montreal Jane which… ends in his whole team smirking at him?

“What is happening? Why are your faces broken?”

“You tell us Mr. ‘Shut your fucking face before I shut it for you.’ Really nailing that whole ‘casual’ thing, huh?”

“Shut up. Is nothing serious, you all are just being gross.”

“You threatened me with your skate when I said I wanted to bang her.”

“Yes, is gross. You should not talk about women like that.”

“You literally bit me when I grabbed your phone.”

“Okay? Is very rude to grab other people’s things.”

“You actually growled ‘she’s mine’ after I politely asked for her number.”

“…”

“…?”

“…she is.”

“And there it is. Good job boys. Now hit the showers, Rozy here has to go text his girlfriend.”

“She is not-”

“Hey so if you keep talking we’re all going to kill you with hammers. Text your girl, make it official, and then maybe next time you can bring her around when we’re back in Montreal. Love to meet the broad who tamed our cap.”

“…Right.”

except, immediately, they can't help also answering for each other. ilya starts it. he's supposed to be answering a question about cliff while hayden answers a question about shane, and he just knows that pike is going to get it wrong or at least less specific than what he knows shane is going to say. he knows he shouldn't but winning a competition while also dunking on pike is just too good for him to pass up.

and then shane is supposed to be answering a question about pike while cliff is answering about ilya, and shane has to get ilya back, and also he definitely knows this answer for his boyfriend. he knows the exact phrasing he's going to use.

when they're asked why they know all these answers about each other, they're able to mostly pass it off as "know thy enemy" but they also try to toe the line with "we've known each other for like a decade, i think we proved at the ASG last season that we can be in the same room without murdering each other."

by the time they get to the final round, the producers have given up with trying to make anyone answer questions about cliff or hayden, it's just cliff vs shane on who knows ilya best, and ilya vs hayden on who knows shane best. they start getting weirdly specific, when asked about shane's favorite drink, hayden's feeling smug writing "ginger ale :)" while ilya's writing "ginger ale, canada dry, 2°C, NO ICE." when asked what ilya's favorite swear is, cliff writes "blat? (russian for fuck)" while shane writes "blyat" and then tries to write it in cyrillic underneath and gets it *almost* correct.

is this enough to know what ship im drawing?

When Ilya moves to the Centaurs he doesn’t get to keep his number. Some old fuck on the team already has it and refuses to trade, no matter how much Ilya bribes him.

so, in true Ilya Rozanov fashion, he picks the number 24. People think he did it to be an asshole, which is true, but he also did it to have Shane with him all the time. Shane was both infuriated and touched by it.

but then of course, years later, SHANE transfers to Ottawa. And lo and behold, the old fuck who had number 81 retired, so when Shane has to choose a number?

81 is available.

so the first day of training, Shane walks into practice in a jersey that says Hollander, 81, with an absolutely shit-eating grin on his face.

Troy calls out Dallas Kent for being a rapist and he’s on the quickest bus to Ottawa. What if he wasn’t alone in that? What if most of the guys who end up in Ottawa get there because of a general refusal to buy in to the leagues bullshit?

one guy throws a punch after hearing a defensemen talk shit about the women he’d been sleeping with. Another refuses to play nice when his teammates are being racist. Never full on social warrior campaigns but a general refusal to put up with ‘locker room culture’ to be part of the ‘good ole boys club. They’re weird. They’re woke. They’re ‘on the bus to Ottawa.’

Ilya goes to a team that’s passionate and angry. They’re good hockey players, can play with the best of them… except they can’t because they refused to play the game behind the scenes. Too good for the AHL and too ‘soft’ for the MLH.

Then when they move Ottawa after getting outed Ilya starts working with Shane on his Russian and is like wow Hollander I was joking before when I said you'd be perfect and learn Russian in a week but you really are learning very fast. And then Shane gets all quiet and blushy.

Eventually Ilya teases Shane into admitting that he has been learning for years but was convinced he was really bad at it because Ilya kept saying things like sweetheart and calling him garden appliances.

Shane starts getting pissed when Ilya continues to tease him and bites back with IM NOT A FUCKING LAWNMOWER and Ilya just loses it.

websites now:

keep in mind i am not a biologist in any way but my understanding of it basically goes

the period is all hormones. if you have the hormones but not the uterus you can still get everything except the bleeding from the uterus. yknow because your body can't detect that one peripheral but the rest of the program still works

the actual cramps and pain aren't from the uterus they're from the muscles around the uterus squeezing it, which you have even if you don't have a uterus

so if you're a trans girl you can't shed the uterine lining obviously but you can still get things like fatigue, cravings, mood swings, back cramps, and breast tenderness

Not seeing Rozanov is not an option, so instead Shane picks out a few other cities to regularly go out by himself in. He'll go for a long walk, maybe sit down somewhere for a drink, and then catch a taxi back to the hotel an appropriate amount of time later. It's honestly pretty nice, unwinding by himself in this way, and now disappearing after games is not a thing specific to Boston! It's just another strange Hollander quirk!

Unfortunately, he fails to account for the guys on the team jumping on the most obvious explanation for all these disappearances, which is that Shane now has a girl in every port.

Word about this starts to spread quick, because it is so out of character for Shane, and pretty soon half the league is under the impression that he's some secret playboy.

@scunthotter

her name is therese and she’s a big butch and also a bitch and he loves her so much (she tolerates him)

she’s a boston fan and her wife is a hollander fan (they hatefuck when montreal wins) and ilya finds her facinating

he will order gigantic masses of food (for the team, the rookies, himself etc) and she always gets a gigantic tip (as well as some extra slipped into her hand tax free)

this is how they communicate:

ilya: r u workin tonite?

therese: depends on the tip

ilya: very big

ilya: also signed poster of hollander for elise she can hang it over the bed and look into his eyes when you strap on

therese: you’re on thin fucking ice rozanov

ilya: order coming thru now! greek tonight, marley is heartbroken and needs peeta bread

therese: tell him to man up

ilya: tzatziki fixes everything 🇬🇷

therese: elise says hi she wants a signed hollander jersey

ilya: are you gonna fuck her in it

therese: you know i am

therese: see you in 45 asshole