I have realized that the best way that I can honor Hecate as an atheopagan is by continuing to make my own choices. She is the goddess of the crossroads. There is no right or wrong choice, there is just choice, and I take comfort in knowing she'd never ask me to give up something I truly love.
I'm not quite sure how to define my beliefs. I recognize Hecate as a personification and representation of certain aspects, but I don't think I believe in her as an actual entity, and yet I almost do all the same. She exists outside just belief or non-belief. She understands why I take the position I do and she isn't angry at me for it.
I honor her because choice is important to me. I went through a time when every choice I made was dictated by the demiurge known as the Christian God, and I was afraid and miserable. Believing in deities and supernatural things just makes me feel anxious. I know that myths are myths, and monsters are imagination, and that visions are hallucinations. Living grounded in reality is the best course I can take.
I just got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Learning about the whole gnostic thing made me panic because when I hallucinated, the voice of the demiurge was the voice I heard. It made things make sense and I took a little comfort in it, yet at the same time I dismiss it because logic dictates that the supernatural isn't real.
It is comforting to know that I don't need faith to end up in a better place, though.
I've gone through an insane amount of growth over the past year and a half. Hecate makes me happy, atheism keeps me grounded. I've settled for a nice middle ground in orthopraxy. I don't believe Hecate is an actual entity, but honoring her (and Gaia) is nice. Its something, and its nice to know that I can work with a deity instead of working for a deity.
I've changed so much, yet I'm back to who I used to be in all the ways I missed most. Still not drinking or using though. Never again. Its not worth it.
