This film used to give me callow hope that someday I will be able to find someone as much of a freak as me, as much of an arsehole as I am—someone who will love me through and through, despite the humane flaws. After having my heart broken, I couldn't watch it in the same way. But as the months have passed, as I've grown older though still young, I've come to realise this wasn't how it was meant to be understood.
Teenage romance is cursed to be filled with flaws. It isn't meant to be perfect because you as individuals aren't even built right, not yet at least. All you've got to do to survive is to find someone on the similar wavelengths as you, someone who is as deeply flawed as you.
As much as I'd like to hope for a person who wouldn't leave once I start to unravel, it's impossible to find in our youth; I'm too hard to deal with. I have come to terms with it; I find myself hard to handle as well. However, before I inevitably unveil how incapable I am of containing the rot of my neurochemistry, I'd like to live in the moment and be a bad person with someone. Be teenagers together, grow from the experiences we face hand in hand.
But it is bound upon fate that I may break your heart, you'll probably break mine. There is a cycle in this, but it doesn't mean we'd be like this forever. Teenage heartbreak is something unavoidable; you are meant to experience it as early as you can. You may spend your evenings till mornings eating at your brain, thinking of anything just to ease your pain of it all. Eventually, you'll come up with this naive way of thinking that it wouldn't matter in the long run, when that shouldn't be what you use to keep your emotions in denial. The truth is, you are allowed to be upset about it. Even if it doesn't feel like it, that melancholy can bloom into something new when you least expect it.
The cold feeling brushes upon the cut that had scabbed enough to heal and leave nothing but a bittersweet memory. Suddenly, heartbreak doesn't feel as bad as it did yesterday. It's still possible to give you a bad shiver when it passes through your head, but that shows how far you've come along.
I can't guarantee that I've totally matured, but surely enough to be a different person than I was during heartbreak. Throughout the time of it, I had the line from Submarine in my head: "I suppose it won't matter when I'm 38, but I'm upset about it."
- Indeed, I'm not 38 yet, but I've already come to realise this early on that it would matter. It would matter when I'm 38; it still matters at 16, but not in the way that I would have assumed with the wrong headspace. It would matter because, in a way, it brought me where I am. I will love differently, love carefully, in hopes of not stepping on a crack that shatters once more.
The ocean is six miles deep, and I'd rather walk straight in and drown in its embrace than stay on the shore, forever terrified of feeling the current.
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