Bear in Mind

Look, I'm not normally too prone to Dunning-Kruger. I'm Imposter Syndrome. I doubt every word that comes out of my mouth or keyboard and every thought in my head. I see plenty of people smarter and more articulate than I am, researchers in their respective fields, point this stuff out all the time. So why can't I get anyone I know, anyone who actually cares about me, to listen? Why can't I break through that bullshit hopium shield other people apparently have, that convinces them they don't need to freak out, they don't need to prepare for violence and to make an exit plan? Why can't I, with evidence and reason and passionate arguments, even crack "it'll be all right".

No it won't! It already isn't! I get it's not a pleasant thought, believe me, but FFS wake up! Do I really mean so little?

There have been experiences I've truly enjoyed and appreciated of course, but... That's not the same thing. And since it's been over a year and a half of wanting to die every single day, and therapy has not helped, and the medication has not helped. I can't get better if I don't believe better is a possibility; and I don't. And I am back to severe anxiety attacks and severe panic and I'm probably going to lose my job now, too, because the museum will likely close, and because NATO is dead and the EU/Europe are officially enemies of Russia AND the US AND every billionaire, media outlet, and policy maker, and we are fully in the unstoppable endgame of corporate totalitarianism where anyone who survives will be utterly subservient to the whims of the rulers for food, shelter, basic medical care, and not being killed by drones/robots/explosive collars.... You're all faking it, right? Or you really can't see?

I know doomerism is the weapon of the enemy and blah blah but they HAVE already won. We have all been under constant surveillance for years and they can and will kill any and all of us without notice. If Louis XVI had had access to sonic cannons and bioengineered weapons and nukes he wouldn't have lost his head.

I don't even read dystopian fiction. Why the fuck would I live it? And is lying in the dark in pain and an endless panic attack living? Fuck, if that's living, is there any value to life even as a concept?