in other news, my friend took this of me the other day, thought it was neat.
the morphing, breathing.
dance with it, keep the light low.
rinse, repeat, rumba.
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@latentcauses
in other news, my friend took this of me the other day, thought it was neat.
the morphing, breathing.
dance with it, keep the light low.
rinse, repeat, rumba.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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life is so weird, so i'm back on tumblr. is this thing on??
man what a pickle i am in. and no matter who i can talk to, no one can get beyond the absurdity of it all. i truly feel like i'm reaching the climax of a supernatural horror movie.
what can i do? learn to love with little or no boundaries attached? cling onto ideas that ultimately don't fit who i want to be? live constantly in fear?
i know so little, yet way too much.
i don't care, but i actually do, but i really don't, but also i do. i am reaping what i've sown.
some random ramblings
it would be wrong to say that my family has neverĀ ābeen thereā for me. theyāve mostly been supportive in many difficult times in my life. what i'm learning is that the level and capacity of the support i need is well beyond what they can or are willing to provide. but it's also no one else's responsibility to take care of me but myself, so i donāt expect much on that end. i just donāt get good reactions when iām not doing well mentally. in some ways iām also feeling this away about my close friends. itās not that people donāt care or want to help, often times the methods of support are just incompatible with my own needs.Ā
iāll often have periods of days and weeks where it just feels like a dissociative haze, and then i realize that itās been weeks since iāve had contact with another human besides my partner. then i reach out to others: my dad, my sisters, my best friends, old co-workers, etc. but after a short while, i just want to revert back to my previous state. when i tell people i need space and that iām having issues with communication, itās often responded with kindness and understanding, but the sheer amount of time and space i need seems to be a problem for others. iāve never done well in relationships when i donāt see the person frequently, and especially with everything this past year, it kind of makes maintaining relationships much more difficult for me. iāve had intense phone anxiety for most of my life, so any time i get on a call/video chat with anyone, iām counting the seconds before i can hang up, then let out a huge sigh. it happens every single time. i often get lost in texts and emails and have always had trouble communicating in written word and get anxious about having to reply. a lot of times i donāt wantĀ to reply. but i do anyway. writing this entire entry takes an immense amount of energy from me. i feel like i can only be my true self when iām around others physically, and that when using technology to aid in communication, all of that gets lost. it brings the worst parts of me out: the anxiety, the fear, the deep sadness, and the anger.
no one wants to do anything but distract from how shitty everything is: ājunkā food, drugs/alcohol, sex/porn, video games, netflix, sports, etc. and thatās the only way iāve been able to bond with those i love. itās tiresome. itās predictable. iāve spent a good portion of the last decade of my life socializing andĀ ānetworkingā because that what i was supposed to do. my social life has become a function to numbĀ myself and try extremely hard to have a good time to numbĀ every feeling iāve been enduring or avoiding.
but i want to create and collaborate.Ā i want to make things. i want to make things with people i care about. i want to teach others and i want others to teach me. i want to be a part of something bigger than myself, not worried about how my āpostsā are doing or what someone else will possibly think about me.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Ashra -Ā ā77 Slightly Delayedā 1977 // Germany Krautrock / Prog
Alisonās Halo -Ā āSlowbleedā 1993 // USA Shoegaze / Dream Pop
Mariah -Ā åæčć®ę (Shinzo No Tobira) 1983 // Japan Art Pop/New Wave
going to slowly do what i used to do on here a decade ago: journal about my dumb feelings and post music ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆĀ
i've lived in cities all my life, so i need to take in all the nature i can get. having my own little deck/outdoor space has definitely helped a lot. i spend all my smoke breaks watching the birds and the squirrels do their thing. sometimes they even get close. when i lived in brooklyn, there weren't any good parks near me and i lived on a really busy street, so i felt like i was suffocating. jersey city isn't exactly that much different, but enough to actually feel like i escaped something. iām now only a mile or two away from where i grew up and lived most of my life, so it also feels familiar, even though the neighborhood iām in now isnāt one i knew well before moving here. the ultimate goal is to get out of the urban environment altogether, but thatās going to take a while i think. i donāt believe that moving away from cities is going to solve all my problems, but i do think the busyness and chaos of city life has caught up to me after 30 years.

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every few months iāll log on here and tell myself i should just use this as a journal since itās basically dead. then i forget about it for another few months.Ā
idek who follows this account or who even is active anymore. anyway, hi. iām gonna try to throw some my thoughts and shit posts on here, because too many people i know follow me on my other social media accts, and it all sucks.Ā
welcome back
drafted from like 2 weeks ago, posting to give it some closure. if you see this, you may ignore it. thank you.
i got a promotion and it seems like everyone is happy and excited about it except for me
i donāt know how to control myself or the way my thoughts manifest into actions. mental healthcare is just a bandaid for a much larger wound that is never acknowledged. going to therapy will never change the facts that define my situation. learning and unpacking trauma only leads to more resentment. psychiatry provides the antidote, so that we can shut up and keep contributing. what do you do with those who donāt want anything? who lack ambition? who donāt feel like a human around other humans?
My job is so dumb, but so amazing at the same time. Theyāve given me 2 raises in 6 months and Iām making way more money than I ever have before (still poor, but Iām very grateful). But thereās seemingly no room to grow or evolve from where I currently stand, and I fear that due to my lack of experience/pedigree, my next job wonāt pay me nearly as much. Since my last raise about a month ago, it seems as if Iām doing half the work I was doing before and itās driving me crazy. If you told me Iād be getting paid this much to basically do nothing, as well as having a really relaxed working environment, it would seem ideal. Iām learning that for me, itās not. Maybe if they overwork me at my next job, Iāll miss this, but I just feel so lost and worthless at my current position.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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You say I couldnāt do it for you but maybe you didnāt want it enough
reedmore
I donāt want to be preemptive.
This last year has been absolutely mental. I feel motivated and these last two weeks Iāve worked the hardest I have in maybe a decade. And itās actually showing some tiny, yet significant results for me. Itās scary and overwhelming. It feels like I know less about what Iām doing thsn when I was unemployed for two years. The depression is still deep within me and no perfect cocktail of medication + therapy once a week is ever gonna get rid of it. Itās just who I am and who Iāve always been. The goal now is just try to power through it. Try to be the best person I can be and not let little mistakes or setbacks completely envelop me like they pretty much always have.
I canāt be weak anymore.
A few months post-breakup, I was in a decent place. Even though I was still miserable and not working, I felt somewhat liberated. It seemed like I actually had options for once, that I wasnāt just doing everything for everyone else. The momentum was there, and then suddenly my mom is in the hospital and a month later, sheās gone. After that happened, I thought that momentum was gone. I felt completely depleted.
I never really spoke about my mother around my friends, because she was a very complicated person. She endured many truly traumatic and horrifying events at an early age, came to this country at 20, and had a really difficult time adapting to this country. Her mental health started getting really bad when I was around 10 and she never went back to being the same. Day by day in the 18 years since, I saw her mental and physical health deteriorate and her will to live and function disappear. I had basically lost my mother there to some extent and at that point it was my turn to start taking care of her. Living with her and having to take care of her throughout high school, into college when I wasnāt dorming, and several years into my real adulthood was completely overwhelming. My father worked, and still works, like an animal and he had almost no time to tend to her needs.
My momās story is a tragic one, one filled with a lot of love and a lot of pain and I have always seen a lot of her within me. Now I can actually feel her, but instead of the mental torture, itās her loving and giving nature as well her resilience thatās starting to carry me. And for her sake I canāt let go of that.