Last few hours of being 32!

It's almost my bed time but I wanted to reflect a little bit about 32.

32 was unexpectedly hard.

The primary theme of 32 was our TTC journey. By this time, we had only been trying for a year which I fully understand, is nothing compared to many others who had been TTC much longer than us. However, I feel that because of my age, not conceiving after a year gives more sense of urgency ... Meanwhile, lots of friends around us announcing their pregnancies, most didn't even need to struggle or wait, all of that were so apparent across social media and it serves as painful reminders that I am not capable of having what they have. I'd like to reiterate again that my situation in hindsight, is not that bad, however, the constant exposure to it on social media contributed to the feeling of comparison. Also, at this time, I still subscribe to the prosperity type of gospel "if I just have enough faith, God will give me what I want" so it was a struggle to pray about this every night. I questioned if my prayer was even right because deep down, I always knew that it's God's will, not mine.

As the year went by, God was gracious to change my heart and mind. He led us to a new church where we get to call home, one that is biblically sound and encourages me dig deeper into the Word. Slowly (and painfully if I may add), God transformed my heart into understanding His plan. I have now understood that becoming parents is a privilege, not a right. No one deserves a right to a child which means, we are to not have the mindset of "doing whatever it takes to conceive because we deeply long for a child". It is why we wholeheartedly chose to not pursue IUI or IVF because we don't want to take conception out of its natural environment as God designed it.

I now understand that even if God decides in all His perfect wisdom to not gives us children, that is all good because He knows what's best for us. I also understand especially as Christians, this is so painful to accept. Be fruitful and multiply is literally God's command to us. We are called to have children! This is a perfectly good and acceptable wish to have so why would God not give that to us?

Simple. Because our purpose in life is to glorify God, not to be a mother, not to be a wife, or anything else you can think of. Those are secondary. Our first calling as a Christian is to serve God. Now, if He decides to bless me with children, that purpose still remains because it doesn't matter what title we have, everything we do should always point back to glorifying God. When I got to this understanding, it was like unlocking a new level of freedom. I stopped tracking everything, I stopped obsessing about researching more information about fertility, and I slowly stopped becoming jealous of those friends who were blessed with children. Instead, I chose to be grateful for what He already blessed me with: a wonderful loving husband, a supportive family, great job with great colleagues and manager, and just the time spent with my loved ones. In late September, we went on a roadtrip to celebrate our anniversary and it awaken our sense of adventure once again. I realized that in the obsession of TTC, we have not done what we enjoyed the most: exploring the outdoors. In fact, we haven't done lots of things that we enjoyed because our thoughts were constantly revolved around TTC.

So, in December, to celebrate our 9th year bf/gf anniversary, we bought my dream car and we promised to take a trip on monthly basis (still working on this lol but we're getting better). We returned to Zion in January, and Bryce in April. We're planning camping trips to Bishop, Mammoth and Kings Canyon for summer AND we are finally planning to hike Big Pine lakes. We realized now that we'll never get this time back if and when we become parents so we want to use this time to really enjoy each other's company :)

It is true that I probably spent many days of 32 crying. My husband can testify to this and I am SO THANKFUL that he is able to handle that so well lol (it probably drive him crazy too at times). But it's also true that I spent even more days being in awe of what God is doing in my life. I am thankful that while TTC seemed to robed me of my joy (at first!), it also helped me pursue God deeper than I could've imagined. If I didn't experience it, my faith would've never grown. Sometimes, we have to experience the uncomfortable season so we can grow and be mature in our faith.

I think I've talked about the what and why I pursued it and why I left. But I don't think I've ever talked about the absolute stage of desperation that I was in. I think because frankly, I am embarrassed ... and you'll see why.

January 2021, on my last semester of grad school, I FINALLY got a job interview with a local private Christian University. For context, I have gotten interviews from this university for 2 different roles prior. and both interviews, I have already made it to the final stage. Both roles however, were not academic advisor, so the rejection, though painful, was still bearable. January 2021 was the very first academic advising interview that I had since I started on this journey. Unfortunately, this time, I didn't even make it to the second and third interview. I guess my first interview was not that great? (2 years later, I found out via LinkedIn that my interviewer ended up being let go from the institution. That was eerie). I was so done with this university though.

June 2021, I had just finished grad school and had such high hopes. I thought this time, I surely will get to be an academic advisor. I have years of relevant experience, I have my shiny masters degree, I'm ready! I got an interview with one of my dream university for an academic advisor for the college of business. GREAT! I love business students, I have toured the business building so often, I was so excited for it. I went through 3 rounds of interview only to get rejected yet again. At this time, I have already feeling all the pain and emotion from 5 years of rejection, so I actually wrote an email to the DIRECTOR of that department, asking why I didn't get the job! She gave me some weird roundaround answer that didn't make sense to me at all. Oh , and this whole process took about 2 months so there's that.

September 2021, another interview with the same university from June! Academic Counselor for a special population program. I was so excited because I thought this is exactly what I was hoping for! I'll get to work with underserved, first-gen students and this is exactly why I got into advising! I went through three rounds of interviews and by first week of October, I'm just waiting ..

I remember doing this embarrassing thing. On Sundays, I would drop off my husband at church because he serves and I'd go to the second service. While waiting for second service to start, I would drive to the campus because it's nearby, I would park and literally, PRAY over the school. I would pray loudly and boldly (in my car though), I cried and prayed and cried again. It was my alone time with God to really be honest and cry out to him. I think one time, campus security almost approached me but I saw them coming so I left right away. I figured I have nothing to lose so this is my last desperate attempt to get God to finally give me what i want.

and He did! He loves me that much that He graciously gave me this one thing that I wanted in the past 5 years. Only to find out almost immediately, that this career is not for me and I will never be happy and fulfilled here.

Why did I share this?

Because I want you to know that God does answer prayers, even for things that He knows will not be good for us BUT He knows we'll learn from it. Why didn't God just prevent me from getting my dream job if He knew I won't like it anyways? Because He knows that without that job, I would not be where I am today. He knows that I needed to be in that job, to see the reality of how that career pathway does not align with mine anymore, and because He knew this experience would bring a new perspective in my life, one that would grow my faith in Him. Our God is so good and smart, and today, I was reminded of that.

This is an excerpt from Pastor Jack Hibbs' book

"If what you want is against what God wants but you keep harping on it (basically NAGGING God for it), eventually, you'll probably get it. When you get it, it will be your demise, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself"

If I didn't experience the biggest disappointment in my professional life, I wouldn't return back to HR. If I didn't experience this, my faith journey would be different. God knows every moment of my life and He perfectly crafted this time so that I can grow to trust Him more.

and now, I need to apply it to this season of trusting God about my desire to conceive. These past few months have been difficult to say the least, learning how to deal with my feelings and emotions over the fact that everyone else gets pregnant (might I add, not even struggling to be one) while my husband and I have making all conscious efforts to get pregnant. However, recently, I came to realize AND remember, what we ask doesn't always come into fruition and that is okay because God knows what's best for us.

If I nag and beg and cry out to God for a child right now, He probably will eventually give me one but it might not be the best thing for me in that season. And I know in my heart deep down, we're not ready for a child. Financially, emotionally, spiritually. There's a lot of things I need to work on before accepting the greatest and hardest responsibility in this earth. So today, I can peacefully say I understand. Whether a child will come into my life or not, I understand because it's God's plan and God has the final say. I don't want to force my desire on God, I don't want to force my timeline on God because He is in full control and I am okay with it.

If you have been struggling with unanswered prayers, just know that God knows what He's doing, EVEN IF it is so heckin HARD sometimes. Do you know how many times I cried in August because of pregnancy announcements around me? too much to count LOL But they all had to happen, because they brought me down to my knees, and that's when I find comfort in our Lord, Jesus Christ.

I cannot believe it took me 32 years to finally realize that the Bible is literally amazing and studying it is not something that I HAVE to do, it's something that I have the privilege to do.

It all started last Sunday at church. The Pastor was going through the verses when he finally came to Genesis 6. This chapter talked about the sons of God (fallen angels), mating with humans and resulted in: literal Giants, aka Nephilim. That blew my mind and I immediately wanted to learn more. So I did something that I thought I would never do. I started searching for study guide because at that moment, I decided that this book is far more powerful and actually interesting, than I ever thought. And thus began my first week of daily bible study and studying, again, not because I have to , but because I genuinely want to know more.

I am currently on Genesis 30 and let me tell you, I was nor prepared for this.

Here's my context. I may be a believer, I wholeheartedly believe in Jesus and accept Him as my Lord and savior. I'd like to believe that if the situation arises, I can defend my faith and I can say that I have discernment on what's good and what's evil. BUT, I'm a lazy reader. I also always thought, reading the bible is hard because how can I really understand verse by verse without someone guiding me? or worse, I thought I knew most of bible stories already. I mean, I went to sunday school and I am a regular churchgoer, surely I know a lot. Obviously I was wrong but I also think it's such a sinful nature; to think that I know a lot when in reality, I know nothing. The Genesis that I read this week was so different than what I knew from Sunday school and not because the message has changed. No, God's words never changed. it's because I have grown and I am able to comprehend it deeper.

So I did what I should've done a long time ago. I bought an actual study bible that includes footnotes verse by verse. This particular study bible was also written for women's perspective so throughout the chapters, there were explanations from a woman's issues and perspectives.

Here's what I learned in just a short 5 days in Genesis (Genesis 1 - 30)

Genesis 1 is so important because it sets out the foundation of our morality. God designs male and female, God commanded Adam to rule over animals, and God created marriage to be between a man and a woman. Even Jesus explicitly referred to Genesis 2:24 in Matthew 19:5.

There are so many barren women in the bible, even goes as early as Sarah! Infertility is not something new. Sarah was infertile for about 25 years, Rebekah was infertile for 20 years, Rachel was infertile for over 10 years AND to top it off, she had to endure all that while seeing her sister (whom btw, shares her husband) gives birth not once, twice, but FOURTH time. As someone who is going through this season right now, I feel so strengthened to know that these women in the bible went through the same thing that I have, for longer than I probably will. But I see that God is faithful and what I gather from their stories, is that God's timing is magnificent. We can't comprehend it, but we don't have to! We just have to stay still.

Generational sin is so eerily real. The descendants of Ishmael, Lot, Cain and Ham all turned into wicked violent people and that's because no one in their family line ever made the efforts to return to God.

Adam was created first because God designed a man to lead. Eve was created from Adam so she can be her helper. I will admit, if I read this years before, I will always question why God can't just create them both at the same time. After all, equality right? But now, I read it with different perspective and I see how perfect God's design is for humanity. Men and women are created differently because we have different purposes. As a woman, I am here to help my husband not because I'm inferior but because we are an equal partners in furthering God's kingdom. There was never a doubt that God sees us all as equals, in fact, by having different needs and skillset, we are perfectly made to complement each other.

I am reminded that when we don't trust God's will and try to do things on our own fallible limited way, we will certainly fail. Case in point, Sarah tried to take matters into her own hands by making Abraham has a son from her own slave. It only caused her heartache and confusion. Plus, it made them broke God's original design for marriage. There is a reason for every season and we better believe that God is not silent.

God is honestly, so good and kind. Many of the characters committed sin and God always accepts them back, EVEN IF it's on behalf of other people. Abraham was pleading to God to not kill all the people in Sodom and Gomorrah even though these people are so extremely wicked. At first, Abraham said "if i can find 50 righteous people, will you please spare them?" and God said yes. Abraham went back and forth eventually lower the number to 10 and God said "for the sake of 10, I will not destroy it"

Another thing is, I understand now why so many unbelievers like to challenge the creation story and the flood story. I genuinely never questioned it because I just grew up in church. TO me, those stories are history. I believe it literally, that God created the earth in 6 days and the flood really happened (without actually examining the facts). But now that I re-read it again, it made me even more believe in these historical accounts because if God didn't create the heavens and the earth, then what is even our purpose here? We are not here by some sort of accidents, we were all created by God for a specific purpose. But I can also understand why unbelievers challenge it because it is a VERY EXTRAORDINARY STORY. It's out of this world, but then again, God is infallible and limitless so of course, He's capable of doing this.

Yesterday, I went to a memorial service of a close friend’s late father who passed away this week. Normally, a memorial service doesn’t really evoke any emotions in me, but there was something so profoundly different about this one. This memorial service made me feel that I missed out on knowing my friend’s father because of how wonderful of a person he was! He was described as quietly funny, dedicated, and as someone who goes above and beyond when helping others. He touched so many lives, his impact is so visibly seen in the families that he left behind, and he had a life full of love. 

In his eulogy, I learned that he was in the airline industry and when he moved to the US, he had a cleaning business before finally reunited with his love of airplanes by working for a major airline company at 67 years old! The eulogy said he HAPPILY drove in the traffic every day to LAX until his retirement from the company. If that doesn’t scream commitment to you, I don’t know what else will! 

Every person’s testimony about him left me laughing out loud because even though he is known to be a man of so very little words, his kindness overcomes his quietness. Hearing everyone’s story makes me wished i got to know my friend much much earlier in my life because then, I would’ve been able to know her father too. 

But then there’s another thing that got me thinking. Reading that eulogy and hearing everyone’s testimony made me think of my own eulogy, and the testimony that my loved ones will say. Will my eulogy focused on my career, or what I do for others, or my interests and hobbies? Most importantly, will my legacy be one of kindness, commitment to loyalty to God and to others? 

Here’s how I picture my eulogy will be:

Kezia was born in Jakarta, April 15 1991 to Jimmy Baten and Erlinda Sianturi Baten. She grew up in Jatiwaringin where she started her education in SD Tunas Kasih before transferring to SDK 4 Penabur and SMPK 5 Penabur. In 20015, at the age of 14, Kezia along with her parents and older brother immigrated to the United States where the family lived in La Mirada before settling their roots in Buena Park, California. 

Kezia obtained a bachelors degree in child development and family studies from CSU Long Beach. She initially wanted to pursue social work for social services agency before changing her dream to become an academic advisor for her alma mater. After a grueling 6 years, she finally obtained her dream and became an academic counselor at CSU Fullerton only to learn that she completely hated this job and there was no such thing as a dream job. After only 3 months at CSUF, she quits her job and returned to HR as talent acquisition specialist for a learning and development company. In 2023, she was unfortunately laid off but quickly accepted an offer in HR where she continued consistently for the next 25 years. She started working as HR Specialist at (insert super great company here), and worked her way up to HR Generalist, HR Manager, and finally Director of People & Culture until the day she retires. 

Kezia married Julian in the midst of Covid pandemic on October 4, 2020. Surrounded by their closest friends and families out in nature, they exchanged vows and settled in Fullerton, CA. In 2023, they celebrated their wedding by having a wedding reception in Jakarta, Indonesia. The following year in 2024, they welcomed their first children: twins (JJ and EZ). The family moved to North Richland Hills, TX in spring 2025 and have been living there ever since. 

Kezia loves Jesus and has served in various churches throughout her life. She served as a seating host and admin assistant at The Father’s House of Orange County from 2022 until 2032. She served at her local church (insert church name) and eventually launched a ministry where she served (insert population). Serving God has been a priority for Kezia as well as Julian and they made it a priority to always serve the Kingdom. 

In her spare time, Kezia loves being in the outdoors. She and Julian have gone to every single national parks in the United States, often bringing the twins together with them which inspires the twins’ own love and appreciation for nature. Every long weekend was an opportunity for them to take the twins camping, sleep under the stars, learning about all the plants and animals, and appreciate what God has created for them. After their retirement, Kezia and Julian spent most of their time traveling both for the ministry as well as their own enjoyment. Kezia also loves coffee and hosting dinner parties at her home. Her love language is food and she loves creating a safe space for her loved ones to feel safe and welcomed at her home. 

And that is all I can think about. Will my life really turn out like that? Obviously I don’t know. I do hope the twins thing really happened though :) But if yesterday taught me anything, it’s that our legacy matters. What do I want to be remembered of? Will my various HR titles matter? will my love for the outdoors matter? Maybe not so much. I truly hope i will be remembered as someone who loves the Lord, the Kingdom and has done everything I can to contribute to God’s Kingdom. 

So that happened. As of March 22nd, I finally experienced my first ever layoff. I knew it was coming from miles and miles away. Since last year, the economy has been so unkind to talent acquisition professionals everywhere. It started with recruiters from all these big tech companies like Google, Meta, Twitter. Then in 2023, I started seeing news after news of layoffs from every company you can think of, not just tech. 

I always knew my job is not 100% secure, considering I recruit for contractors and we’re not having any projects that need these contractors. My manager was kind enough to still raise my salary in January, and added administrative tasks for me to complete so that I stay busy. But despite her best efforts, I always knew my time would come.

So on Wednesday morning, when my manager and CEO met with me and started with “I hate to be the bearer of bad news”, I already knew what is happening. I also thought it’s just me that was let go but I found out that they have let go 3 other people as well. 

How do I feel? when the CEO and my manager broke the news to me, I felt calm. Because this wasn’t something unexpected, I was able to calm myself and express my gratitude for them. I really have to give them credit because they took a chance on me when I was transitioning out of higher ed. They could’ve gone with an actual recruiter with years of experience, but they decided to hire me. And I’m immensely thankful for that. The next days though, I have all these feelings. 

As a believer, I truly believe that God has a plan for me. It’s my mindset that when bad things happen, it just means something better is coming. I’ve experienced it, i know way too many people experienced it too, but there’s still a feeling of fear and worry. 

First, the job market is SO BAD right now. Tons of layoffs mean I am now competing for that entry level job with thousands of other people who are probably much more experienced than I am. Second, my qualification isn’t the strongest because again, I am competing with veteran recruiters. and Third, the timing of it all is odd because of my plan to move to Texas and also my travel plan to Indonesia. 

When I think of all of these things, I can feel a gray hair or two growing. But then, I remember to take a step back in my mind, and remember of God’s grace and goodness. I say this over and over again “God is not going to leave my family. God is my provider. God loves and cares for me” and I am reminded that I still have lots to be thankful for. 

I may be jobless but I’m still alive. 

I may be jobless but I still have roof over my head and food on the table (even if the food is basic and I won’t be eating out at restaurants anytime soon)

I may be jobless but I still have my wonderful husband with me, supporting me and loving on me

I may be jobless but there’s still unemployment. and this is HUGE!! Where else can you get supplemental income during your job search? It’s such a huge relief that I have access to this.

I don’t think we realized how much of a treasure Spotify is. Maybe because opening Spotify is just second nature to us. When we drive, when we’re cleaning the house, when we study, you name it! That little app on your phone with millions (or probably billions?) of music from ANY time in the history. And for only $12.99 per month, you have access to literally every song ever made (I don’t know if this is 100% true, but to me, it feels that way!)

Sometime last year, my husband and I talked about how they don’t make music like they used to anymore. Sure, we don’t hate the music of today, but there’s just something about them that don’t make us feel things like music back then. I must’ve listened to Harry Styles “Grapejuice” and Niki’s “High School in Jakarta” probably close to a hundred times by now, but neither one of those make me feel anything, except for they’re catchy. My husband and I are 90′s babies and that conversation prompted me to look back at one of my old playlists. One that I haven’t listened to for a long time because for the 95% of the time, my playlist (just like most of us now) is filled with what’s popular right now on TikTok (not even radio ...), and social media. I mean, that’s how I figured out “First Class” by Jack Harlow (heard it on tiktok and wondered why on earth does Fergie sounds DIFFERENT). This particular playlist was filled with indie/rock/alternative from mid 2000 like Incubus, MGMT, The Strokes, and oh who can ever forget, Death Cab for Cutie, and I remember listening to this playlist very often during my junior and senior year of college. I began to listen to this playlist much more often since that conversation, being reminded of my life during junior/senior year and even though those years was quite hell-ish if I’m being completely honest, those songs still manage to get me in my feelings much more than when I listen to my current playlist from 2020-present day. I decided since then that I’m not gonna bother listening to any new music anymore. A friend of mine said something that really resonates with me. She doesn’t listen to new music because she already knows what she loves, why bother with the new one? 

So, earlier this year, I started re-organizing my spotify playlist. I created a 2000 indie/alternative, a 2000 pop and any new music is now in my 2015 and up playlist (haven’t listened to that playlist since the year started TBH). 

In making the first two playlists, I searched for top hits from each year. I started from the year that I actually remember listening to songs, which I believe was 1999 and as of today, I just finished adding top songs from 2005. Let me just say how genuinely amazing this process has been for my heart and my soul. I always heard people talk about something that can bring them back to a core memory. It can be food, music, a place, etc. I was never a sentimental person so quite honestly, i never understood that, until these past few days when I revisited some of my favorite songs from 1999-2005. I listened to How Soon is Now by t.A.T.u. and I am reminded of my first day of junior high orientation where I instantly had a crush on this guy who was in charge of my group. I remember him because all the other girls ALSO had a crush on him! He was in student government, super tall, handsome and so nice to us the underclassmen. I was confident that was the best day of my life and when I came home, I turned on the TV and behold! the music video for How Soon is Now was playing on MTV. I remember jamming to that song even though I have no idea what they’re singing and just feeling gleeful because orientation lasts the whole week and I’ll get to see him again for the whole week :) I listened to “Come on Over” by Christina Aguilera and almost BURST UP LAUGHING because that was the song that I had to choreograph a dance with 3 other girls in my 7th grade dance class. Nope, I don’t remember the dance but man, that was a particular memory because for the first time ever, my parents actually allowed me to come over to a classmate’s house. Probably because it was for school purposes but I also remember feeling so cool about it because the other 3 girls were the IT girls. I listened to “If You’re not the One” by Daniel Bedingfield and my memory shot up to a time of heartbreak in freakin 7th grade (teenage years man, it’s heartbreak after heartbreak, it’s brutal). I had liked this boy and I actually knew him even before he transferred to my school because we used to go to the same elementary school. I’d like to think “We go way back” (not really but oh well). I remember one day, after lunch, I saw him walk into our classroom holding hands with a girl and I just realized that I blew my chance of ever telling him I like him.  I came home and watch MTV and sure enough,  If You’re not the One was playing. I just remembered thinking this song sounds so sad and I AM SAD so this must be MY song. Then I listened to Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated” and my mind went to the time my aunt, Mama As, called me. I was still living in Indonesia at that time and she would often call us to catch up. I remember watching MTV (I really watched a lot of MTV back then )and my mom handed the phone. “Here, Mama As want to talk to you” “Hi Kezia, what are you doing?” “Hi Mama As, Kezia lagi nonton tv. Mtv nih, ada Avril Lavigne” “Who’s that” “Oh ini penyanyi favorit Kezia sekarang. Dia pop punk gitu deh Ma. Keren deh” “Oh wow. Ya mungkin nanti kalo kamu udah di sini, kamu bisa nonton konser nya dia ya” and I remember feeling so edgy because I listen to Avril Lavigne and my Aunt knows how cool my music taste is. 

And so on and so forth. With each song that I added to the playlist, it just kept bringing me back to many memories. The good ones, the bad ones, the cringy ones (I think at some point, I dedicated “Flying without Wings” in the school radio to the boy I liked, like HOW CRINGY IS THAT). It also made me realize, I’ve always had a thing for Menado and or Toraja boys because literally every boy I liked back in Indo were either Menado or Toraja (and I ended up married to a Menado man!) God already knew my heart even back then! LOL 

Needless to say, it just makes me appreciate spotify even more. Think about it, if spotify didn’t exist, how difficult it would be to get those songs from each year and organizing it into a playlist. Worse, would we have to take each song and burn it into CDs? I don’t know about you but I am so thankful to not have to burn anymore CDs these days :) Honestly, this wasn’t even going to be like a project for me. I intended to just save an existing playlist to my spotify but after seeing the list of songs, I realized I should just create a brand new one, and curate it in a specific order to my liking, which is why I decided to go year by year. 

I should also say, it’s cool that this project starts with music from 1999 and end at 2005 this week because  I believe those are my formative years in terms of music. i started watching MTV and get a lot of exposures to different types of music (Eminem’s “Without Me” and ALL of Linkin Park’s music video live rent free in my head), sneaking into my brother’s room to listen to his cassettes and later CDs, borrowing cassettes from friends and talking about music. There was a heated discussion about Avril Lavigne vs Michelle Branch one day in 6th grade during our lunch break (I was team Avril). In 5th grade, this girl lended her linkin park cassette to another girl and before you know it, that tape was passed around to the entire class, myself included. I don’t understand why we did what we did, but all I remember was that we collectively as a class felt very cultured after experiencing Linkin Park’s Hybrid Theory album. 

Well, would you look at the irony of this brand new post. Compared to my last post where I basically cried out to heavens about yet another rejection from my dream job. I am literally sitting in my dream job right now and I can honestly say, I want out. 

Okay, okay. Maybe I should provide more context. 

You might be one of those people who have heard me talking for the past 7 years, that I want to be an academic advisor. Kezia? yea, that’s the girl who wants to be an advisor at her alma mater. Kezia? yup, that’s the girl who job hopped because she wants to be an advisor. Kezia? I heard she’s been rejected from SO MANY universities in the past even though she’s definitely qualified to be an advisor. Kezia? she’s very passionate about working with college students and making a difference in a young person’s life. You get the gist of it. I’m Kezia and it seems that for the past 7 years, I was so obsessed with becoming this advisor, this dream of making a difference and live happily ever after, if I could just get a job at a Cal State. 

Then, I got it. My dream job! Becoming an academic counselor. But to be completely honest, maybe I should’ve declined it. When they called me to offer the job, the salary that they offered was lower than my job back in 2018. To put it in perspective, their first offer was about $43,000. I countered the offer and ended up with $46,800. Is it the greatest salary? Not even close, considering I live in one of the most expensive county in the entire nation. But I still accepted the offer because I thought, that’s okay. Since I’ll be in that university system, I can always apply for another advisor position within campus and make more money then. 

I resigned from my current role and I got to have 2 weeks break before I started. and boy did everything changed. During those 2 weeks off, somehow, I ended up having a lot of reflection about this. 

I have a Masters degree, and yet, I am making a lot less than those who are in entry level jobs with just a bachelors. My salary is considered low-income, I’m about to move to a new apartment and student loan payment will resume in February. I keep doing the math and I realized this is not enough. I even got a part-time retail job in those 2 weeks because I thought if I could just get a second part time job, it’ll be enough to pay my student loans. My self reflection started to ponder, IS IT WORTH IT TO PURSUE THIS FIELD? And finally, I realized, it isn’t. I began to raise a bigger question, “Why does this country undervalue educators so much?”

We see it in the headline. College football coaches often make millions of dollars in salary. College presidents, vice president, dean, program directors, etc. But what about us? The advisors, educators, support staff who actually deals with the students directly? We are getting paid peanuts compared to those people and for what? a sense of purpose and accomplishment because we’re making a difference? 

At the end of the day, we’re all humans and we all have bills to pay. A dream job doesn’t exist because a job does NOT matter. A job is not, and SHOULD NOT be your identity. A job after all, is just a means to an end. We should all strive to get a job that we like enough, that pays us well enough so that we can live a life that we deserve. 

SO, with that being said, my dream has changed. My dream used to sound like “I want to be an academic advisor so that students can achieve their academic goals and be successful”. now, I dream of living a comfortable life. To not have to worry about providing for my family. To be able to purchase a home, and go on trips with my family. I dream of enjoying life with the money that I made from my regular job. I don’t need a dream job, I need a job that can pay well, and that’s the honest truth. Someone once told me “ feeling like I made a difference in a student's life IS NOT WORTH struggling financially and with my family” and I resonate with that SO MUCH. My family is my dream, my future kids is something that I should strive to, not a dream job. 

As the picture below shows, my parents did not make ALL THAT SACRIFICES FOR  ME (FINANCIALLY, PERSONALLY, MENTALLY), crossed the Pacific ocean, went through the struggles of an immigrant, just for me to live a broke-ass life. Life is too short to live like that. Can’t wait to post here again when I finally get that $75k job in edtech y’all!

Disclaimer, YES, I already talked about it to my husband. After all, that’s what husbands are for right? to be that person where you can just unleash all your feelings and sorrows, etc etc. But my husband is only human. Furthermore, he can’t really understand what I’m going through because we have completely different career pathway, so while it’s nice to vent to him, I think it’ll be better for me to express this in words, so here goes.

I AM TIRED OF BEING IN STUDENT AFFAIRS.

There, I said it. And the worst thing about it? I haven’t even REACHED my dream job in student affairs. In fact, 3 weeks ago, I have gotten another rejection for an academic advisor role at the same university that has had the pleasure of rejecting me twice already. (I feel like their HR staff would know my name by now ... and also, whatever)

Maybe I should provide a bit of a content. When I graduated college in 2014, I didn’t really have any idea what career I wanted to do. I was just happy I got a job that pays okayyy-ish, at least it was enough for me to splurge on stuff. The job was great, the people I worked with were incredible, but the pay was apparently very low. At the same time, I realized, I didn’t want to pursue social work/government type of job. After 6 months in that job, I realized I wanted to be an academic advisor. I love working with college students, I enjoyed talking about their career pathway, their hopes and dreams, you know, all the usual stuff. I didn’t want to go to grad school right away since I still had debt from undergrad, so I thought, I could just work at a university first and work my way up. Spring 2015 was the first official time that i started submitting resumes to universities and colleges around me. 

IT.WAS.BRUTAL.

Rejection emails came left and right. I thought, okay fine, let me just build up my resume and work at different organizations, at the same time, still actively applying for jobs at universities. So there goes the most brutal, exhausting and frustrating 5 years of my life. For those who always asked me “why do you always hop in between jobs?” “why are you always switching jobs?” “why can’t you just stay in one place” When people ask me these questions, I usually just joke around and just give bullshit answer like “well, i gotta hustle” or something to that nature, but in reality, whenever I get asked those questions, I’m pretty much crying in my mind. Because I TOO, wish, I can stay in one place for a long time. Who really wants to sit and search for jobs all the damn time? Who really has the energy to tailor resumes and write countless of cover letters for 5 years? I wish I can stay too but I can’t miss any opportunity that will bring me closer to my dream job... Do you really think I enjoy all those countless times, typing up resume, cover letter and clicking submit to basically every single advisor/student services/admissions job posting I can find? don’t get me started on the rejection emails. I must’ve had close to hundreds in this past 5 years. Rejection comes so often that I become quite numb. but sure, judge me for job hopping, call me a job hopper, because i can never stay.

Then comes another bitter realization. I’ve started networking with few academic advisors, most don’t have a masters degree or just get their masters degree after already working as advisors for a number of years. Most of them have been working as some kind of advisors since undergrad. It becomes depressing to talk to them because it seems like I’m definitely in the wrong side of student affairs. I didn’t have the opportunity to be a peer advisor, heck, I didn’t even think of this as a possibility until I graduated college. All of these advisors recommended me to actually pursue a masters degree because at least, that would give me the formal education in advising. So I did. I enrolled in grad school, I took another student loans and I’m graduating this semester. But at this very moment, I’m gonna be very real and say that I feel like this was a waste of my time and my money. Because even after 5 years worth of transferrable skills and almost having my masters, no university is even remotely interested in interviewing me as an academic advisor. I already had many people review my resume and cover letter and everyone comes to same consensus: I have what it takes to be an academic advisor, but the system is so screwed up that it will take me years to even get there. But how many years? I’m not in my early 20s anymore. If I keep waiting for the perfect job, I’ll never get to my other dream of having a family, or having a house, or just pursuing my hobbies and interests. Will my life be just consumed with the constant job search just so I can be an academic advisor?  And for God’s sake, an academic advisor is not even the most sophisticated, high level, executive job. The salary outlook is not even the best. Yes I’ll be making more, but I won’t be making six figures from being an advisor. I think most of you at this point will just “well then just get out. you have nothing to gain and more to lose from staying in this industry”. But I don’t know if I’m quite ready to leave yet. If i really switch, that means I wasted 5 years building up to nothing. 

Some of you may know that I currently work at a university (which I’m very much grateful for the opportunity). But can I be real? I’m not making a lot. I’m not doing what I enjoy doing, which is working directly with students. and in the past 5 years, I’ve been working for a salary that is not deemed livable wages, at least where I’m living. I’ve been paid “Jesus” money because even though my salary was low, at least I’m making a difference. But making a difference eventually sounds like a dream, because we have to live in reality. Now, I have debt from my student loans, I’m still stuck with my car payments, with no new job prospect in sight. I feel that this situation is going to delay our desire to have a child and to own a house and it’s all because I felt the need to “pursue my dream”

Maybe it is time. Maybe it’s time to switch to the corporate world. I have always thought I would never switch to the corporate world but I am seriously re-thinking my choices right now. Does that mean my masters program was a complete waste of time? it probably was ... but hopefully, a job with a decent salary in the corporate world can help me pay it off soon. Am i bitter? I am, still, at this time. It felt like this entire field is against me because, there are schools with advisors that have no bachelors degree and only armed with peer mentoring/peer advising experience, able to secure full time advising position. I’ve done beyond what was asked, took the plunge and get a masters, only because not one university is willing to give me a chance. 

One of the most stressful things I have done lately is helping my dad navigating his bills. He’s been placed on unpaid leave due to covid-19 and so, as his only child in his household right now, I assumed the role of his helper. I helped him applied for unemployment benefit, applied for forbearance plan for his mortgage, and called his health insurance to see if there’s anything they can do if he cannot afford to make payments anymore. 

And it is so stressful ... 

As an immigrant child, I do remember helping my parents with a few things when we just moved to the United States, but now that I remember it, I think I only helped them with the easy stuff. Like how to pronounce certain things in English, how to order takeout, how to vote, how to go on yelp. Those are trivial matters, those are fun stuff to help them assimilate to the American culture, and they are nothing compared to now. These past few weeks, I have found myself going out of my comfort zone in advocating for my dad. I talked to reps in EDD, mortgage company, and health insurance company. During these conversations, I have to be able to create that bridge between the customer service rep and my dad; i have to let him know that these customer service reps can’t do anything more than what they’re assigned, that the only ones that can really make the difference is their management or CEO of the company. At the same time, I have to really advocate for my dad’s situation so these companies can at least find some kind of assistance for us. It’s like I’m being forced by life to grow up by a hundred, when in reality, I have no idea what I’m talking about. I don’t know anything about loan modification for mortgage (I don’t even understand what interest rate is ...), I don’t know anything about “certifying for benefit” for EDD (literally learned that from Reddit since the EDD website is not the most helpful). I was always the baby in the family but for the first time in my life, I feel that I have to step up and advocate for my family, be the voice of the family and fight for my family’s well-being. It feels surreal, it feels strange, it feels crazy but also, I feel happy that even in my weakness, I am still able to help my parents. 

Last night, when my dad said he might not be able to make the mortgage payments for 2-3 months, my heart dropped. My mind raced into a million things, trying to remember all the community resources I have memorized in my previous jobs to help other people and now, my own family might need it. Isn’t it crazy how in the past, I’ve always been the one who helps other families to make it through during financial difficulties. And now, here I am in the same exact situation as those families I’ve helped before.  I rushed to my computer, trying to google the answers, finding the solution.How to avoid foreclosure, what are our rights if evicted, etc etc.  My head was spinning and I had a really bad headache. It was overwhelming.

So I went to lay in my bed and in my pain, I heard God. His voice was soft, reminding me that instead of rushing to google, I could’ve taken a step back and pray. Prayer is supposed to be my first resort right, not the last?

So I got up, opened the bible, found comfort in his words and poured out my heart to him. I am reminded of the sermon on Sunday, that our God is Jehovah Jireh. He is the God who will provide, no matter how bleak our situation may be. We just need to trust in Him. In my 28 years of living, I never seen a shortage of God’s miracles in my family’s life. From Indonesia, all the way to the US. From the day I was born till right now, God always worked his miracles in mysterious ways. That comforted me and put me to peace. 

My headache is gone, and I was able to go to sleep. I can feel my anxiety was gone and I felt the confidence that God is working something out for my family, and for everyone else too. 

To my fellow immigrant children friends who now has to step up and help their families, I see you and I feel your struggle. I know it’s scary to step up and assume a big role in the family but I know you can do it. God also sees you and God will reward you. Our parents have done so much for us, given us everything in their life for OUR lives, it’s our time now to repay them. It is such a joy and blessing to be able to help your parents when they need it the most, and as a child of immigrant, we know, now more than ever, this is the time we use our education and experience to help our parents navigate these difficulties. I am proud to advocate for my parents and I am finding new strength from God every day to help my parents with anything else they may need.

Ephesians 6:2-3 The Message (MSG)

I’ve dreamt of the picture perfect proposal for as long as I can remember. Also, I knew I wanted to marry Julian basically 6 months after we dated 😊 so it wasn’t hard to imagine our future together (and in my case, imagining how our proposal would be). Well in my dream, our proposal will be at a national park, preferably Joshua Tree because it was the first national park we visited together. He would tell me that we’re going on a photoshoot, hence why we’re all dressed up, we’d have a picnic and in the middle of it, he’ll get down on one knee and proposed with my dream ring (at that time, it was a rose gold , princess cut) . But God had a bigger (and much better) plan for our proposal ❤️

Earlier in 2019, Julian found a sermon series called Relationship Goals by Transformation Church.(I’m gonna put the link here because it is SO SO worth it. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhYvOKkFVSGt1Impq3TEBxrSpw3rbdbz6)

It was an 8 part series about relationship, starting from singleness, all the way to marriage, sex, and how to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship according to God’s ways. I didn’t expect much from this series, but our relationship literally got elevated from this series. This series taught us so much about the kind of relationship that God has planned for us, if we follow His instruction and we were in awe on how much this series moved us. We started watching it together, taking notes, discussing it, and finally when we finished, we realized that it is now time for us to take our relationship to the next level. We are reaching our 5 years of relationship this year and we felt that God had put it in our hearts to make the commitment to each other. And since we were planning to go to Indonesia to meet his parents, we decided to get engaged there so his family can be a part of it as well.

Throughout the year, we started discussing about the proposal. How do we do it? We are Indonesian American, so we feel called to incorporate both sides of our cultures. In the Indonesian culture, the guy doesn’t typically get down on one knee and give the girl a ring. Typically, the guy’s parents would come to the girls’ parents’ house, they have this whole party/ceremony thing, and at the end, they exchange rings or some sort of dowry thingy. It’s pretty cool, but I’m definitely not down for the whole dowry thing because, I’m never a fan of the concept of dowry. Then, we looked at the American side of a proposal where it typically involves the guy looking through the girl’s pinterest to find out what type of ring she likes, then he secretly meets her parents to ask for their permission, then he plans a surprise where he then proposes. We thought that’s great, but it just doesn’t feel like us. We both hate surprises, and we’re not too sure about the fact that only the man asking a woman for marriage, when marriage is supposed to be about two people coming together. We know it’s so strange for us to even feel that way, and we’re not trying to bash on American culture but that’s just not us. So, what did we do? we prayed. Because we desperately need some clarity and we believe wholeheartedly that God will gives us a vision. Finally, just about 2 weeks before we’re leaving to Indo, Julian called me. He has a vision on how this proposal is going to happen!

This might sound very very weird/strange to many people so bear with me. In his vision, he sees us kneeling down together before God to ask for His blessing as we propose to each other. The concept was for us to do this thing together because we believe that we are both equally involved in this relationship. It was a beautiful and sweet idea and I knew that it’s so authentically us. I loved that involves both of us, not just him, and the fact that it’s us asking God, not him asking me for marriage. Now, the only question remaining is: when exactly are we going do this proposal? We’ll be in so many beautiful places with many wonderful scenic spots that will make my picture perfect proposal dream come true, so, the question is when and where? 🧐

We had thought of doing this during our engagement ceremony event on November 24th when our parents have dinner together and discuss about our futures because I thought, since our family will be there, it will be the right moment. Funnily enough, my aunt, who was basically the mediator between our parents during our get together asked Julian “okay Julian, now that all the parents have talked, you will need to ask Kezia for marriage as well.” she was basically telling him to propose to me right there and then 😂 Thankfully, we were able to tell her that we are actually not going to do the proposal here because we’d like that to be just between the two of us.

Finally, we decided to do the proposal in Bali at the Tegalalang Rice Field because it’s so beautiful out there and Julian’s cousin can easily take professional photos of the proposal. We’ll finally be engaged and we’ll have a pretty picture to remind us of that beautiful day! Sounds like a plan right?

Well,  the day came, there we were at the rice field, it was hot, humid, we were tired, AND he still felt sick from the ‘Bali belly’. We both agreed, welp, this was not the day 🤷🏻‍♀️ and I felt a tad bit sad because, my selfish self still wanted a pretty picture of our proposal. Yeah I know, silly me, right? But then, Julian reminds me that tomorrow, is our 5 years anniversary and it makes so much sense to do our proposal on our anniversary. It’s the perfect day! 😍

So, the next day, on our 5 years anniversary, we took out the ring box, held the ring together and prayed over it. We thanked God for his blessings and protection over us these past 5 years, and we asked Him to watch over us as we are about to embark on our new journey. Then I asked him, and he asked me and we both said Y E S 🙌🏻💑 It was a sweet and intimate moment with just the two of us and we felt God’s presence with us. No professional photographer, no elaborate plan to make it into a perfect moment, no one else was present to witness it, it was just us. And I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect moment than that, even if there was no pretty picture of it whatsoever. But not to worry, it’s always going to be on our minds forever ❤️

A few fun facts:

This was not fun, but trust me, I have a point here. Julian has been battling stomachache from Sunday all the way till our last day in Bali. The night before the proposal, he couldn’t even get a good night sleep because of his massive stomachache, so on the day of our proposal, he was just laying in bed, feeling weak and sickly. I felt horrible that he couldn’t even enjoy his vacation because of it, but as I was taking care of him, I realized that this IS a glimpse of marriage! 🙂 taking care of each other, and being there for each other, I’m all for it! When I saw him just laying there, there’s nothing I’d rather do than being there for him and to take care of him. And I know he feels the same because I’ve experienced all the ways he took care of me; when I’m sick, when I’m sad, when I’m just all over the place 😂 and we all know, I’m all over the place a LOT of times. But through it all, he has been there for me and for that, I am grateful.

The resort that we were staying at has 4 cats that they take care of. One of the cat decided to come to our bungalow and just napped in our terrace since the morning. It’s as if he knows something big is about to happen! Sure enough, after our proposal, he finally left 😌 We jokingly said that that cat was our only witness to our proposal and he is a special cat for us.

In regards to the ring, Julian gave me the complete freedom to design my own ring because he knows I’m going to be the one wearing it forever. Plus, my taste has changed over the course of 5 years that we’re together, so he doesn’t want to get me something that I might not like it later on 😂 In the beginning, I wanted a princess cut in a nature inspired setting in rose gold, then I switched to rose gold oval cut in split shank setting. Then I changed it to rose gold, oval with halo in split shank setting. Then I realized that, I’m not really into so much bling and the halo setting, while gorgeous, doesn’t reflect my minimalist style. i ended up designing this simple ring in yellow gold solitaire with an oval cut. It’s the perfect ring and I literally carried it in my backpack for the entire time we were in Indonesia because he was scared he would lose it if he carries it 🤣

So there you have it. Our uniquely strange but authentically US Proposal story. We’ll always remember it as genuinely one of the best day of our lives, next to the day we got baptized together of course 😊 

ahhhh

I’ve been so swamped with grad school applications that I kept forgetting to blog about my recent trip to Yosemite! But here I go! today is the day! I will finally document this trip.

SO

Yosemite in the fall is so very different than Yosemite in the winter. I had the privilege to visit this wonderful park in winter early this year and the one word to summarize that trip would be magical. Fluffy beautiful snow everywhere, the crisp air, bundling up in boots, socks and scarves, it was SO AMAZING. (I run out of words to describe it). Now, the only downside of Yosemite in winter is the lack of access to Glacier Point which is a pretty big deal because Glacier Point is ALSO AMAZING. And this particular spot is only open from about late May to October which happen to be the busiest times in Yosemite! Can you imagine the struggle now?

With that being said, we embarked on a short 1 day camping trip to see the famous Glacier Point and guys, it did not disappoint. Even when I’m shivering cold because my dumbass kept forgetting to bring MORE jacket than needed, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

This is the first view of Half Dome that we saw on our way to Glacier Point. When we arrived, it was actually still dark enough that we saw stars surrounding Half Dome but of course, my iPhone can’t capture it lol (*sadface)

and finally, here is the view from the Glacier Point! You can see Half Dome and the surrounding areas very clearly. The weather was freezing and I felt like I am totally repeating my experience at Alabama Hills last week (I’m so dumb -_-). But as soon as I sat down and just started staring at Half Dome in the distance, I felt at peace. Just like the time I was on top of Angels Landing, or on the edge of Grand Canyon, there is something so peaceful and serene when you’re looking at something so grand and magnificent.

I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of this view. 

I should’ve mentioned in the beginning of the post, when we arrived at the park, there was a fire going on and so, the weather was very smoky as seen here at Tunnel View. The valley is covered in smoke and signs are shown everywhere in the park indicating the high alert of fire. It was unfortunate but I’m grateful we were safe. 

*not pictured here but we headed to Half Dome Village for lunch and it was one of the best pizza I ever tasted, at least for a national park standard lol 

After lunch, we headed to our campsite at Indian Flat RV & Campground

This would be my second time camping and this time, I have completely fallen in love with camping. First, it’s CHEAP. and second, it feels more intimate like you’re really one with nature. Oh, plus this campsite’s shower and bathroom are WONDERFULLY CLEAN so yea, I would never turn down the idea of camping here again lol

The next day, we stopped by a couple spots before heading home. As shown by the pictures above, apparently, the waterfalls are empty during this season! Look at how tiny the Yosemite Falls is! 

Our last stop was Yosemite Valley View and this was definitely not planned because we didn’t even know the location of this spot! We’ve seen this spot plenty of times throughout the park stores and paintings and internet, but there really wasn’t any information about it. Maybe they’re trying to keep it a secret? Anyways, with the help of google maps, Julz finally found this spot and boy, I am in awe. it’s just like the paintings! Here, we’re standing by the Merced River and looking at El Capitan on the left and Cathedral Rocks and Spires on the right. Truly a magnificent view and I’m curious to see how it looks like in the winter!

Now that we’ve visited Yosemite twice this year, all we’re missing is Tenaya Lake, Taft Point, Vernal Falls, Tuolomne Groves, and Mirror Lake. I’m excited to go back for the winter time and see those freshly fluffy snow again!

and just for a comparison, here’s my favorite photos of winter in Yosemite (:

Late post!

I’ve been planning to blog about our recent trip to Alabama Hills but I kept forgetting about it ! So today, I finally have the chance to blog about this awesome last minute trip we had on September 30th. 

We actually didn’t think we would go through with It because it wasn’t realistic at all. Julz still had work on Saturday and he went straight to Praise Night at church. I know he would be tired plus,  we didn’t get home until about 10 o’clock. And yet,  we still decided to just do it! We’ll see the gorgeous night sky and then in the morning, our friend Frank will do a couple photoshoot for us. We get to dress up! 

The plan was (or at least, I thought the plan was. Yes this was a last minute thing but I still couldn’t resist to not plan everything ), leave at midnight, arrive around 2 or 3 pm, set up our tents, watch the night sky then maybe get some sleep for about 2-3 hours. 

nope, didn’t happen.

We arrived around 3:30 and we walked straight to Mobius Arch so Julz and his friends could capture some photos of the night sky. The whole experience would’ve been entirely wonderful of course, if I did bring an extra jacket! :( oh my gosh, it was freezing, mostly because the wind was crazy and my dumbass self only wore 2 layers of clothing. I actually felt so sleepy too so I ended up sleeping on the cold hard ground with no sleeping bags/pads/blankets and just 2 layers of clothing. At times, I would feel the cold wind brushing through my face and it was horrible ... Thank God Julz finally came back and told me that we should head back to our car. 

Photo by Julian (@julzmars)

I wasn’t kidding though when I said the sky looks gorgeous :)

I got to sleep a little bit in the car and I woke up to the sun rising. Morning looks beautiful in this place

Photo by Julian

We boiled some water and have ourselves some coffee, then it’s time for me and Julian to change for our photoshoot. Btw, the weather is still freezing and I’m changing into a romper . Just imagine wearing a romper in a 50 degrees weather LMAO

Our friend Frank has an idea of doing a romantic and relaxed shoot for Julian and I. We never done this type of photoshoot before so we were quite nervous. However, Frank managed to make the shoot very comfortable and  relaxed while our other friends made the experience so much better with their jokes. Glad that we got to experience the feelings of being in front of the camera because most of the time, we had to rely on his tripod to take a picture together :)

Here are some of my favorites

Photo 1-3 are courtesy of Frank. You can find him on instagram @franks.pov ! Go follow him, he is an amazing photographer with such talent and dedication for the perfect picture! :)

and this last photo is a courtesy of our friend, Ico. You can find him on instagram: @icokr1bo . Great friend, family man, much talent and passion for photography!

By the way, the “hike” to that last location for our last photo was no joke, only because I was wearing a romper and sandals. GOt some brand new bruises and my legs were ASHY AF when we’re done but it was all worth it haha

My Dreamer Friends :

are the most hardworking individuals I’ve ever known. Why? because they can’t afford to slack of in school or at work. One tiny mistake in their record and the government will use it against them. Can you imagine living in constant fear of making small mistakes and the huge consequences that come with it?

are the most dedicated individuals I’ve ever known. They went out to the world as doctors, nurses, engineers, paramedics, lawyers, activists, ETC. They are here in the United States to make a difference. A HUGE difference that is.

are the key to our economic success. Many dreamers went to the workforce and our workforce is successful because we have such hardworking, talented and dedicated individuals. They also purchase houses, vehicles, etc They’re an asset to our economy. Can you imagine how our economy will be if we lose a lot of great minds in our workforce?

are independent. Did you know, they’re not even eligible to receive FAFSA? Did you know they actually still need to pay for taxes? You know what that means right? They literally pay for school with their own money and earning it through scholarship. I am a citizen and yet, I don’t even feel like I deserve the FAFSA that I received through college because these dreamers are 10 times more hardworking and motivated than I was. Also, knowing some of these dreamers are homeowners really put me in my place because I can barely afford extra stuff at the end of the month but they purchased a house? that really showed dedication.

and finally

they are God’s children and we as Christians are called to love and pray and advocate for them. It hurts to see so many other ‘Christians’ say otherwise. Some would say “these kids are illegal immigrants.” or “i worked hard for my citizenship so they need to work hard for it too”. Did you know, it’s even HARDER for them to get citizenship because there’s currently no pathways to citizenship through DACA. So before you start judging these kids (who literally have done nothing wrong, except being a valued member of the society) how about take a step back and put yourself in their shoes. Imagine being told to go back to a country where you never really knew because you’ve spent almost your entire life here in the US. It’s a scary feeling. I’ve only lived here for 12 years and even i don’t find the idea of going back to Indonesia comforting. If you can’t find it in your hearts to say “these are God’s children. They deserve as much opportunity for the American dream as every single other person in this country” then something is seriously wrong with you. 

WAYS TO HELP THE DREAMERS

1. First thing first, you really need to educate yourself about DACA. 

and more link here: https://s3.amazonaws.com/i-src.defineamerican.com/2017/08/170825-DACA-Facts.pdf

2. Contact your member of congress (https://whoismyrepresentative.com/)

3. Donate to United We Dream (https://unitedwedream.org/about/our-missions-goals/)

4. and finally, PRAY boldly. Pray that our president and congress will find it in their hearts to extend their compassion to these dreamers. Even though this situation is so crazy, I still (and always) believe that God is in control. 

Whenever I ask Julian where should we go this weekend, he would sometimes say ‘Yosemite’ or ‘Sequoia’ with twinkling eyes and that tricky smile that I’ve loved so much :) He might be serious or joking but if I said ‘YES’, I know he will be down to go, just like that! He doesn’t need to plan things or know where he will sleep (he thinks a car can make a good place for sleeping if necessary. I do NOT agree to this idea), he just goes! I truly believe that if we have enough money and vacation time, we’d be on the road almost every month but of course, we still got work and school and Haru lol 

That’s the thing though. Julian would never turn down an invitation to go on an adventure and that’s just one of the many things I love about him. I love how I have found an adventure partner; Someone who encourages me to see the world and tackle the world together :) He taught me that 10-15 years from now, we probably won’t have this much free time to travel so we’d better use it now before we can’t! I used to think traveling is only for rich people. That I need to make at least $25/hour if i want to go on a vacation. I’m pleased to admit that I am wrong LOL

Travelling is affordable if you make it a priority. and if you knew how beneficial it is, you’ll want to make it a priority too. It truly changes your perspective AND it will teach you a lot about your relationship.

Although travels and trips can seem to be a superficial, do-it-for-the-gram kinda thing, I truly believe our travels have taught us a lot more.Traveling taught us to make decisions together; on everything! It taught us everyone’s opinion is valued and that we have to learn when to step up and when to back down. It taught us that sometimes when our partner is physically and mentally exhausted, they might act certain way and you have to learn how to deal with that. It taught us that sometimes, even if you plan things so accurately, things happen and you will have to get over it. It taught us that even though only one person is driving, the other person also has an important role to do; being the navigator and to check if there’s a nearby rest area. 

In short, traveling together has enabled us to practice our communication, team work and time management skills. something that I believe will be very crucial when we step into the next phase of our relationship. 

With that being said, I want to encourage other couples to really take the time away and go travel together. and if you think you can’t afford it, at least go on a day trip because trust me, those day trips can be helpful too (and of course, cheaper). Sometimes, we get too wrapped up in our day-to-day task. We are so accustomed with the 9-5 job, coming home, make dinner, watch tv then sleep. Take advantage of your weekend and see the world with your partner, spend time with them in a new city and see how your perspective will change. 

As for me and Julian, I recently gave up on the planning (kinda!) and booked a camping trip just because I was itching to go back to Yosemite. He’s been asking me to go back before Glacier Point is closed but I always said no because I just didn’t feel like planning it in such a short notice. Last week, I was browsing through pictures of Glacier Point and I just can’t wait anymore! So I texted him and my brother, asking them to come with me to Yosemite and later in the day, I rsvp a tent site for us 4. We’re set to go camping on October 7th!

Opt outside and see the world with your partner! It’s worth it :)

My body is deteriorating and it’s scary. 

In the last 3 years, I have experienced so many changes to my body. None of it was a positive change though.

I’ve gotten bigger and I can no longer fit into a small size (I now wear a medium and my pants size is 9). I’ve got a beer belly (even though I don’t drink beer!) as a result of binge-eating and constantly getting boba, sweet bread and ice cream almost every day of the week. It’s true that I hike here and there but I still didn’t make the effort to devote at least an hour of my day to work out regularly. I’ve also gotten weaker; I realize I get tired way quicker than usual and I often run out of breath. The craziest part? Even with all of this, I still couldn’t care less about my body because I’ve got the wrong mindset. I thought, it’s okay if I gotten a little bigger here and there, I mean, life is too short to deprive myself from all these delicious food, right? If I die tomorrow, I want to die happy with good food in my stomach! I don’t want to die sore from working out. You see, my mindset was focused on how I look. It was superficial and wrong. I thought I look okay already so I don’t want to worry about why i’m so weak and tired!

I was SO WRONG

All the years of this unhealthy lifestyle is catching up to me. Lately, I’ve been feeling very lousy. Everyday, I wake up feeling tired and sleepy even when I had 8 hours of sleep, I feel unmotivated at work and discouraged to do anything beyond what was asked of me. I continued buying sugary drinks and desserts, skipping breakfast and binge eating during lunch which leads me to feeling bloated and sluggish for the rest of the day. There are a lot of days where I want to throw up after lunch and I feel extremely uncomfortable and nauseous. The worst part? not working out at all ... I stopped walking my dog after work because it was too hot. I didn’t make any effort to do at least some pilates or just any form of workout when I’m at home because I was tired from work (even though I was just sitting at my desk for almost 8 hours!). I started to hate my body, I hated my looks and I hated the fact that this was all my fault for not taking care of my body. I was more busy involving myself in a pity party which is so pathetic. I know I needed to change, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do something. Don’t get me wrong, I have great support system; people who encouraged me to eat healthier and workout with them but it’s still not enough to change me. We all know motivation must come from within and for some reason, I just don’t have it. Then last night happened. 

Last night, I posted a selfie on my Instagram story. Nothing special, just a regular casual selfie. Later on, I opened my Instagram and found a message from my cousin in which he replied to my selfie saying “You’ve gotten fatter”

Normally, I would’ve laugh it off because I used to think that I shouldn’t take what people say personally. Who cares what other people think? God loves me anyways, fat, skinny, healthy, whatever. Not this time. This time, I broke down in tears. I was crying NOT because I felt insulted or angry that my cousin called me out. I was crying because I KNOW I should’ve done something about it. This is so much more than being fat. It’s like I know I should treat my body better and yet, here I am giving it the worst treatment ever. So I cried ...

and I cried. I cried to God and asked Him to help me as I start this new journey of loving myself by taking care of it. I asked for courage and strength knowing that this will be hard but He will help me through it all. I want to take care of my body because my body is God’s temple and not taking care of it is a sin. I have decided to treat my body with love and care like what God calls us to do. 

This is no longer about losing weight so I can look awesome. Sure, it will probably feel awesome but more importantly, I want to look and feel healthy. I want to enjoy life without suffering from chronic illness that are caused by unhealthy lifestyle. I want to be able to enjoy my day and feel refreshed when I wake up in the morning. I want to be physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy and I believe it starts from taking care of my body.

So here’s to a new day and a new beginning. Here’s to my journey of being healthy and for loving myself the way God loves me since the beginning :) 

I’m just gonna keep going. 

I watched Pretty Little Liars before. I didn’t finish because it got too much. Now I’m re-watching it from the very first episode and this show is annoying ...

Aria with her damn emotional breakdown about Ezra especially when Simone is in town and flirting with Ezra like, well you shouldn’t started the relationship in the first place! She is seriously way too young to have secretive relationship like this, especially when her mood is just swinging all the time. 

I have no complaint about the other girls though (so far, i’m still on season 1) Aria is the only one that’s pissing me off LOL