the call of the stars

green and brown in equal measure,

a perfect match for the ocean depths I have been told linger in mine

some days, my hands can’t help but wander across the expanse of your body

as if I am an explorer discovering a breathtaking mountain range in the planes of your broad shoulders,

as if the sweet dip of your spine that winds down your back is a gentle river,

and I have not had a drink for days

as if I am the first to claim this divine land, the first to leave my mark upon this perfection

somedays, I pluck kisses from your petal soft lips

as if they are wildflowers in a meadow of my own design,

somedays, I am the wild fruit you bring to your lips

as if you are starving, and I am the only thing you could ever wish to eat

some days, i am the rainfall and you, the earth below me

and most days, you are the sunshine that keeps me warm,

you are the light that kisses my skin and lights up my life

and every day,

you are my north star,

and you are my way home

wherever I am, wherever I venture,

my heart will always find its home in your hands

wherever I am, even when I think I am lost,

I am found for your love will always guide me back home to you

wherever I am, even when I am lonely,

I am not alone for you and your heart are always with me

every day,

you are loving me in the quiet way you do

the gentle kind that echoes in my mind, and my heart, and my veins,

you are the base of who we’ve grown into

the date’s arriving quickly now, and I think of you more and more

how could I not? I carry you with me

not just in my mind and not just in my heart

no, I carry you underneath my skin,

you are scar tissue that I’m proud of

 your song came on today at the perfect time

and I’ll think of it as a hello from up above

and I’m sorry we never got to say a real goodbye

but maybe a see you later is easier to bear

and I’m sorry you’ll never know how I hold your art forever with me,

like a painting on a canvas,

in a frame and on display

I am like a museum to your memory

and I am honored to carry on your legacy,

I am proud to show the world a piece of your heart

and I am proud to be the messenger of your talent to the world that never got to know you

 I hope you’re looking down at this ragtag group of kids

we’ve gone our separate ways, but you are the invisible thread that connects us all

I hope you’re proud of this legacy you’ve left behind with us to carry on,

I hope you understand all the ways you’ve changed our lives

 I try to see the world through your eyes,

maybe that’s why I bear your art, to better remind me how

to better help see the world the way you would

 in the classroom, you were teaching

I’ll never forget your passion as you spoke, your humor

I’ll never forget the fire in your eyes or the way you’d smile and laugh

I won’t forget the art you showed us

It will always remind me

I will tell them of your ghost

I feel raw when I talk about you to people who didn’t know you

but it’s a raw I need to feel

because you should be talked about,

every story, every memory is something that should be carried on

I hope to help your spirit reach everyone I know

with your friends alive and talking, that was you

I still remember how they spoke of you

with tears down their face and sadness in their voices

and I remember

how every story sounded just about right for you

how every story made me feel just that littlest bit closer to you

while also so far away

because there was always that wall that couldn’t be broken down

or maybe it could’ve, if we only had more time

well, I saw it in your movements, and even though you never knew it, well I knew

I was the quiet one, and the observant one

I think you knew this about me

and I knew, the days you were in pain

and I knew, when it started going sideways

and I think I turned a blind eye because I wanted to be wrong

you had me worried, so worried that this would last

I guess I have to say that I’m glad your pain wasn’t prolonged,

at the very least, I hope it happened quickly and I hope you didn’t suffer in the end

but now I’m learning, learning that this will pass

and I know, in my heart, that your life was full

and you lived it the way you wanted,

wild, free and happily

I am at peace knowing you lived out some of your biggest dreams

you said, “go out and live your journey”

and I will because you spent a year teaching us how

because you spent your life living as an example

I never cared much about Machu Picchu,

but I’ll travel that far just to see what you saw

to France, to China, to the oceans and the mountain peaks

I want to experience the world as fully as you did

it goes overlooked

you slip it in over a phone call, a hushed ‘te amo’ before you keep talking

the second time,

it doesn’t, you look at me as you say it

and you think I don’t know what it means,

you think I wont look further or know what you’ve confessed

but I know

and though you’ve said it twice,

it’s the third time you say it that really matters

because you say it as you look at me, before you kiss me

you say it and we both know I understand the words you speak

your flustered and shy and embarrassed; it’s the first time you’ve said it to anyone outside of your family

you feel like were going so fast, that it’s too soon

but we’ve been dancing around ‘I love you’ for a long time

with every ‘I love my baby’ or ‘I love everything about you’

it’s been coming and I’ve been waiting because

I love you

and you’re the first one I’ve said it to

and I’m shy and I’m embarrassed but I mean it

te amo

je t’aime

I didn’t even mind the wind that howled outside,

I didn’t mind the tremble of the walls,

nor the chill in my bones,

nor the goosebumps on my skin,

for seeing you this way filled me with so much heat,

I may very well have burst into flame if it weren’t for your hands on me

pale skin stretches for what feels like miles,

turned honey and milk, golden and creamy in the face of the flames

if this is sin, if this is what sends me to hell

lord, forgive me, but I cannot give up the taste of honey on my tongue

I cannot give up the sight of flickering flames on pristine skin

if this is what sends me to hell,

lord, forgive me, but maybe I’m meant for the flames

and I didn’t notice it, and I didn’t think of you for even a moment

I didn’t remember what had happened, and I didn’t even realize it was passing me by

you haven’t been on my mind, not as you were before, not at all

I guess this is moving on, huh?

and I guess I’ll stop writing about you

I’ll stop writing to you, it’s about time.

I have someone new to write about

I have new eyes to find universes in

I have new freckles and beauty marks to memorize

I have a new smile to be the reason behind

the world is muted in grey and muffled underneath the blanket of the clouds

and upon a rainy day, the rain crashes to the earth in a perfect symphony

and upon the sidewalk, the rain fell and darkened the pavement underfoot

and upon the grasses and the flowers, the raindrops landed and slid to the earth below

and upon the leaves and the branches, rainwater rested and sank in

and upon your face, a light seemed to shine

but it was not from above, but within

and upon a rainy day, you were the replacement sun

where the clouds were grey, and the winds cold,

your smile shone like the missing sunlight and brought the warmth of it too

and upon a rainy day, I fell in love with a burning star

it’s late at night, with only us around

it is slow, and quiet, and not that noticeable in any way

but you knew

because you always know

the first time I cry in front of you,

it’s about you leaving, and my mind is racing

because what if you decide you don’t want to come back to me

what if you find something better, someone better

what if you don’t come back to me, even if you wanted to

and you ask me what’s wrong

more than once, more than twice, you keep asking me, with such a gentle tone

but I can’t speak because if I do, my voice will break and I know I’ll cry harder

but you don’t need me to tell you anything

because you know

because you always know

the first time I cry in front of you,

you’re leaving for 8 days, and it shouldn’t make me cry the way it does

but you tell me that you’re coming right back to me

that I’m the only one you would want to come back to

you tell me that you’ll miss me

and you reassure me, over and over

and you call me baby, baby girl, sweet, so softly as if I am some precious thing

and somehow, that makes me want to cry harder

because you knew what was going on inside my head without me saying a word

 and the first time I realize what he did to me, is a few days before this

it’s when I wake up from a dream where you told me you didn’t want me

it’s when I wake up from a dream of you leaving me behind

and i wake with a heavy heart, a feeling i remember all too well

but the first time I cry in front of you is also the first time I really realize what he did to me

he damaged me in a way I didn’t notice until you came around

he took my love and left me behind, to find who he truly wanted

he left me so suddenly, when I thought we were so happy

and I hope, you don’t follow his example

because the first time I cry in front of you,

it’s in the safety of your arms, and I can feel your warmth, and I can hear your heart beat

and the first time I cry in front of you,

you are holding back tears because you hate to see me cry

I don’t have the words to convey the heaviness

the tiredness that’s seeped directly into my bones

the loneliness that always lives within me but has recently reared its head

how do I talk about the anxiety about everything, about the way my hands shake, how my mind races, my lungs fail, the way my heart beats to quick, too unevenly

how do I tell you about the crying

the feelings of worthlessness

the thoughts of giving up

how do I tell you that its bad and god, its really bad

maybe even the worst its ever been

how do I show you the little red lines that climb up my wrist

how do I tell you its okay but at the same time, im not okay

how do I explain that I don’t know why but I feel like i need the hurt

how do I tell you that the edge of a cliff sounds like the best way to feel like im flying

how do I open up without allowing you the chance to break me

how do I be vulnerable in a world hell bent on making everything so painful

it feels like I am skirting around the topic of you, but I still feel the presence of the name I dare not speak, 

it’s as if I am carefully stepping around a hole in the earth

something that I’ll fall into too easily and may not find a way to crawl out of

and when I finally breathe the syllables of you out,

I feel cut open, like I am a live wire unprotected, 

like my heart is beating in open air

like I am exposed and vulnerable and I am not ready to see the change in others

I am not ready to face the conversation of you

because the truth is I am still sensitive to your existence

to the thought of you and the feeling of your name on my tongue

I am carefully avoiding the elephant in the room

the elephant that stands to remind me that I will probably always love you

you would say that i love you and im in love with you are different so it’s fine if i do

we were friends underneath everything, after all

but, darling, did you ever consider that me saying i love you

would have been me saying, “im in love with you”

did you ever think that maybe that’s why i could never say it?

because it would’ve held a different weight than you saying those words ever could

and i’m sorry i’m late

but darling, i loved you

and i know i shouldn’t

but darling, i think maybe i still do