mind is a p r i s o n

“I don’t think I’ve heard that song since I used to play Rockband,” she chuckled.

“You’re right…  I’ve just got to keep tryin’ and give her time.” Sarah had always been able to trust Landon. As kids he was her confidant - the fact he hadn’t gone to her school had helped that. Recent events maybe should’ve been a signal to her about what a real friendship was; Landon was definitely a real friend. She offered him a smile as he took his hand in his. “You’re the best, y’know that?”  Leaning over, she pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “ You’re gonna make someone real happy one day.” She was sure of that. 

Every time Landon thought he was getting closer to Sarah, she always ended up saying something that showed him exactly where he was: in the friend-zone. He had been trying to hint at her that there was more he was feeling than just being her friend but it wasn’t working out in his favor. He probably should have given up already. Everyone saw that she wasn’t interested in him. Even Delilah saw that her attention was elsewhere. His lips parted as he was about to begin speaking, but held his tongue instead until the horrible pang in his chest disappeared. “Thanks Sarah... Maybe. Maybe not,” he shrugged, looking down at his hands. “You’re gonna do that for someone too. You’re really amazing and I hope you see that as much as I do.”

Ethan’s mouth fell open once he realized that Landon was right. He even pulled out his phone’s calculator, typing in 3.14 and turning it upside down, “Holy crap…” he mumbled, completely forgetting that he’d asked him a question.

“It’s one of the jokes they guys at the Cuttery make every year on National Pie Day,” he added as he continued going in on the ice cream. “But it’s not that deep. Also I’m just gonna finish the ice cream.”

“Spicy and fresh, eh? That about checks out.” Harry grins, with laugh. “What do we look like, man? A fuckin’ Dominoes? We are not advanced enough for cheese in the crust. That’s top tier shit.”

“If you’re not adding some spice to food, are you really having a good meal?” He asked, brows raised. “Y’all are the closest thing we’ve got here to a Dominoes, I know the guys in the kitchen get fancy with the cheese. My brother told me so, he used to work there.”

“One thing you’lllearn when ya been in this business long enough is that people know jack shitabout takin’ care of a vehicle.” He slid back under the car, tinkered the parthe’d been working since before Landon had gotten there. Sweat mixed with dirtand oil was running down his flushed face, and he knew he could really only standa few minutes of this before he’d need an honest to god break and a glass ofsweet tea. At the mention of a meme – which Hayes had only discovered themeaning of in the past six months – he slid out from underneath the car againjust so Landon could see him visibly cringe. “I’ll hang it up in the office,”he said with a chuckle. The place Hayes worked for was very small, more on theoutskirts of town, and barely big enough to rival Big Tom’s; the owner alwayssaid they were supposed to attract people who didn’t have the time or abilityto make it all the way into town with a car problem. He finally got up, takinghis time because he was sure his back would not easily forgive him for beingunder a car all morning. “I don’t recall that one, but I’ve lived through a lotof ‘em. Dora the Explorer, Wonder Pets, Peppa Pig, but I think they’re finallystartin’ to outgrow some of that.” He wiped his hands off with a nearby rag. “Iain’t had a home cooked meal in several weeks, but don’t tell my mama that, she’llthrow a conniption.” Beer, pizza, and burgers had been the majority of his dietlately. “And how about you, whattya been up to?”

“Its a good thing places like this are still up and running,” he said with a smile. “This place..mostly this place. If it weren’t for this place I think a lot of people would end up kinda screwed with car problems.” The auto shop was more than just a small place on the outskirts of town to Landon. It was the place he’d met Hayes what seemed like a million years ago. He was thankful for a lot of the things that came out of the place for him. Landon found a passion there, work, and most importantly he found the man he considered more than just a mentor. Hayes was the father that Landon never had and he would always see him as such. “You should, it’ll give you a pretty good laugh whenever you take a look at it.” He remembered showing the same meme to his mother who looked confused when she saw it, pointing out that what the girl in the meme was doing was wrong. The joke of it all clearly going over his mother’s head. “Never really watched any of those myself. It was all Power Rangers and the Turtles. Y’know the more action packed stuff.” Landon laughed at his request not to tell his mama, and he wouldn’t mention it to the woman even as a joke. “Finish another semester of school and I’m already lookin’ forward to going back. I feel like this summer’s either gonna be boring or I’ll wish I could’ve skipped it. Been thinking that it would be cool to go on a boat trip though, do some fishing. I’d have to get better at fishing first though. You got any plans besides workin’ here like finally taking the girls to Disney World,” he chuckled. “I’ve heard ‘em beg.”

Looking up just in time, Morgan stumbled to the side, just missing Landon and his skateboard, her own fault for not looking either. She’d glanced to get something in her bag for a moment and had luckily looked up just in time. “Yeah no, I’m alright, I looked away for a second too. Just glad we didn’t actually collide.” She said with a laugh. “Whatcha listenin too that’s so distracting?”

“You and me both,” he replied meeting her smile with a small one of his own. He had managed to avoid hitting her but he still felt bad and a little embarrassed even. “I was listening to um, one of the Harry Potter soundtracks — Harry In Winter to be specific,” he added, holding up his phone to show the music player but brought his phone back to his pocket when he realized how lame that probably sounded.

Mariah, in an attempt to keep busy, had gone from two runs a day to three. She was sure at this point that even she was crazy. Nonetheless, she found herself rounding a corner and barely stepping out of the way of one of the Wesley boys skating on through. Her face grimaced as he stumbled off the board and she slowed down her run, pulling her own headphones off, “I’m good. Are you alright?”

Time seemed to slow down for them, the world rejoicing over a moment that’d been in the making for years now. There were times she’d told herself that she didn’t deserve any of the attention she craved from him so achingly. Being herself seemed like such a foreign feeling when she was around most people, but not with Landon. Landon practically begged her to be vulnerable with him without using the words directly. Until now, she’s painstakingly carried the burden of feeling like her feelings went to waste and that she should have read the signs more clearly. He’s just not that into you. Was this the confirmation she’d needed or did he kiss her out of pity? Maybe it was the heat of the moment that had gotten him so heated that he felt like kissing her was the right thing to do. Once again, the mental attack she’d always given herself were taking over and she was doubting this entire situation. Why would Landon kiss her now? She had to talk herself off of the ledge, enjoy the moment for what it was and bring up her concerns later.

As she pulled her face away from his, she stood there in complete silence, the mild creaking of the floors could be heard, a pin could drop and sound like an elephant had just entered the room. Ambivalent of what to say, the younger of the two just tucked her hair behind one of her ears and looked at him expectantly. Was there anything to say? What would happen from this point going forward? She’d had so many questions sitting at the tip of her tongue but they refused to come out until he said something first. This was becoming a trend, waiting on Landon’s move, letting him take the lead in all situations, because at the end of the day, Amelia had traditional values sitting at the back of her head and she wanted him to be a man about it. 

Landon didn’t have any reasons to ignore all of the signs she had given him in the past. Amelia had been honest about so many things, yet he couldn’t even full express himself. He always ended up talking about something stupid, abandoning his plan to just open up to her all the way. So many things felt complicated but in reality the only thing that was complicated was him. It was as if he had been programmed to fuck certain things up and he wouldn’t be able to realize what he was doing until it was just too damn late. Landon had wasted so much time on people that probably would never feel for him the way that he felt for them but he always held on. He held on much longer than he should even when it meant that he might never recover. It was typical Landon Wesley though — he had only given Amelia 50% of himself while she had always given him 100% and then some. It was like there was no in between with the girl. She either felt everything or nothing at all, and Landon had spent a lot of time disregarding her emotions.

Amelia had every right to block him, he shouldn’t even have the privilege of standing inside her mother’s home. Of all the things that he could’ve been doing though, he couldn’t think of any other place that was as important as going to see her. Landon had already passed on a lot of invitations to get closer to her and he was eventually going to have to stop. It was now or never though despite whatever would come of this. He’d either be leave knowing that she hated him or that things would somehow be alright. The moment she pulled away from him, all the alarms started to go off in his head again. He had to say something, but he couldn’t think of anything other than wanting to kiss her again despite not being able to pinpoint what his feelings were at the moment. “Fuck, I hate myself sometimes,” he exhaled. “I — don’t know why the hell I haven’t allowed myself to really see any of this. You’ve always been there, even when you weren’t really here.” She had left town before, and even while she was thousands of miles away, she didn’t let him think that she’d forgotten about him. He could feel his heart beating a million times per second, and he blamed his inability to process anything on that as he pulled her close one more time, this time pressing his lips to her in a gentler fashion so she would at least know that the last thing he had ever wanted to do was hurt her. 

Eddie had needed some air after spending far too long staring at a computer screen for hours.  He was heading along the street with the vague idea of finding somewhere for dinner and looked up just in time to see the man hurtling his way.  Jumping to the side he nodded his head with a laugh at the strange situation.  “Yes I’m totally fine.  It was a near miss but keeping me on my toes.  Are you alright?”

As he regained his balance, he watched his board continue to roll away towards some bushes and he could only be glad that it didn’t roll into the street. He’d already broken one last month and he’d hate to have to buy a new one again. He let out a deep breath once he turned his attention back to the man he had almost hit. “I’m alright too, thank you. You sure though? Last time I accidentally crashed into someone, Mrs. Banning to be specific.. You know the lady that always wants to greet everyone with a kiss on the cheek when you run into her on the street? Well she um, she claimed I had run over her toes with the board and broke one of ‘em.” He stopped himself before he continued ranting, “But again, I’m sorry.”

“Oh.” She looked up at the person she almost ran into, a blush immediately on her cheeks. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there. I was—” Updating my Twitter. That sounded pretty bad. “Distracted.” When he apologized, Emily chuckled. “I guess we were both pretty distracted, huh? What are you listening to?”

He ran his hand through his hair, offering an apologetic smile. “Something’s got us all distracted out here today, doesn’t it?” He raised his brows a little confused as he completely forgot what he had been listening to for a moment. “Um, I’m pretty sure it was like Tom Tom Club or something. Y’know how Genius of Love can become a song you just randomly listen to on repeat?”

Serena had been so zoned out lately, she was guilty of not watching where she was going this time around too. “M’sorry. No, no, it’s my fault. I was…all head in the clouds,” she said. “Hey, I get it. Must be somethin’ good you’re listening to.” 

“Any other person ‘round here would’ve probably been a little upset about almost being run over,” he smiled softly, grateful that she wasn’t chewing him out for it. “Yeah. but I can’t really say I was fully into it. Just got distracted with the surroundings. Guess we all have our head in the clouds huh?”

“No worries!” she stated with a small smile. No one was hurt, it was fine. “What music has you so distracted though?”

Unlike Landon, Ivan was watching exactly where he was going. You kind of had to, when you were balancing eight drinks in two cup holders. He saw him barreling down Main Street on that skateboard, Ivan ready to sidestep him to avoid a collision. Landon noticed last minute it seemed, so even though Ivan did step out of the way, he still started when the younger man shouted, a shout escaping him as he fought to regain balance on his stacked up drinks. “Nononoo–!” The cups all settled, Ivan heaving a relieved sighed. “I’m fine! No harm done, it’s all good.”

“I’m so sorry Mr. Dyer...” Landon apologized as he quickly grabbed his board from under the car it had rolled under. “I should’ve looked where I was going, damn. Did anything spill?” He asked already searching his pockets for his wallet, pulling out a few pieces of paper he’d forgotten to throw away before getting to the small cardholder. “I’ll buy the drinks again if they did, what did you buy? Lattes, hot chocolate, coffee, whatever it was I’ll get you replacements and I’ll even help you carry ‘em home or wherever you’re going.”

Every girl has that boy. That boy that managed to be on her mind no matter what. Whether she was in love with someone else or on vacation in Cabo, that boy found residence in her heart. Landon was that boy for Amelia. He checked all of the boxes. Even when he was unintentionally upsetting her, he was on her mind and she had such strong feelings for him that they’d become hard to cup with as time went on. In the perfect world, she would’ve returned to Frostford, tripped and fell right into his arms, but it seemed as though that the obstacles that lied in their path were far greater than the odds that’d desired to be in their favor. Consequently she found herself in a never-ending cycle of emotions, wavering in and out of her personal wants. On one hand, she desired for him to be happy while on the other, needing for that happiness to reside within a union with her and her alone.

There were other boys, she would never deny it if he were to ask. Some may say distractions, but she would never deny the feelings she had for Slug, however she knew that she needed something more mature. A maturity that a man like Landon Wesley understood. The freight train of emotions continued powering over her weightless heart as she gazed into his eyes, his words repeating themselves to her repeatedly in her own mind. The way Landon knew her so well, he was able to tell her that he knew she would cut him off completely, it said something. Why does he have to be so fucking observant? A shaky breath, overwrought emotions, she choked back the tears that were now threatening to adorn her pale cheeks. “Fuck you..” her voice hoarse, dubious in nature were her words. There was something about feeling assailable against his touch that made her crave to scream and combat with herself, but she knew that she couldn’t. “Fuck you, Landon Wesley…” repeating her own words from just a few moments ago as her eyes locked onto his plush lips. “Kiss me..” it was what she wanted, but she didn’t want to push forward without him making the first move.

If there was one thing that Landon was good at, it was lying to himself. Just about anything that happened to him had been a subpar experience and he always had to force himself to make the best out of things. He couldn’t remember the last time he was really this comfortable being around someone that wasn’t his own family because there had never been any judgement from them. The first person he had allowed himself to be comfortable with was Louise and although their relationship wasn’t one that was meant to last he knew that their friendship was stronger than anything else. That wasn’t the case with everyone else though and it wasn’t really until Amelia that he felt comfortable enough to be himself around someone. He had just been too stupid and caught up with a million other things to appreciate her friendship and pick up the hints that had practically be smacking him right in the face for so long.

Everything had gone from zero to one hundred and on any other occasion Landon would’ve walked away, too scared of where things could go and that he would end up hurting someones feelings. He had been hurting Amelia for a long time though and she was one of few people that he wished he’d never hurt in any way. At the end of the day though this was his fucking brand, somehow messing up whether he wanted to or not — like he was ultimately in love with bad luck like the Khalid song he always skipped on his playlist said. Those two words passed right through him as if he hadn’t even heard them knowing that she said them wanting to mean them but just couldn’t. His eyes frantically searched hers for deeper meanings behind her words but he soon realized that there was nothing between the lines. The things she said, she always meant just as they were. Pulling her face to his, his lips crashed against hers. He wasn’t sure if that was the right decision to make but he did it anyway, hoping that whatever was between them would be figured out this way, 

Though this felt like some sort of sick, twisted extension to the ambushes she’d experienced at the beach, it was very much welcomed when it came to Landon. The words hit her like a train.. I’ve been ignoring a lot of people for someone who hasn’t paid attention to me the way I’ve wanted. It was almost like hearing herself talk about Landon. As she looked over his features, she’d become increasingly uneasy about having him there. What was she supposed to do when he’d just made it clear that he had feelings for someone else? Her teeth bit down on her bottom lip as she looked off to the side and let out a gentle sigh, avoiding letting herself evaporate into an emotional cloud right there in front of him. “I only invited a few but I told Ethan he could invite friends and before I knew it, half of fucking Frostford was there..” his apology fueled something in her causing her to pull her hand away from his quickly as she took a step back.  The man she’d been having these on and off feelings for was standing in front of her, apologizing for neglecting their friendship and it was almost as if he was playing innocent. While he may have been utterly clueless, Amelia simply didn’t buy it. 

Tears began welling in her eyes as she opened her mouth to speak three or four times before finally uttering her next words in a harsh tone. “I’m tired of looking like an idiot for someone who isn’t paying me the attention I’ve wanted too, Landon. I’ve tried to tell you how I feel how many times? And you always make up some… stupid excuse. I know men are dumb but there’s no way you’re that stupid. If you don’t feel the same, just say it, but don’t leave me here to look stupid.” it was like word vomit, word vomit she immediately regretted as she attempted to shove him toward the door. “You need to leave. Now.” voice shaky, uneven. She hadn’t felt this unsure of herself in years and she wasn’t going to let Landon Wesley bring her back to such a dark place.

“It got out of hand pretty quickly then,” he replied, now thinking about how he was actually glad that the hadn’t been exposed to that. But maybe had he actually agreed to go, things wouldn’t have ended up being this bad for her on that trip. Clearly, things hadn’t gone the way she wanted them to go. Why else would she be back home an entire day earlier than she was supposed to be? She seemed excited from the. very first moment she texted him to invite him and it all changed pretty quickly. He couldn’t even make the excuse sound right in his head now because even if he had a movie night with Sarah, she wasn’t really there. Her mind wasn’t there, and all he did was sit beside her as laughter filled the room because of the film while he was too self-conscious to really let himself enjoy any of it. 

As soon as she began to speak again, her words instantly began cutting into him and in that moment he wished that he was still blocked. He wished that she would kick him out but when the words came asking him to leave, his heart sank and he went back to hating himself all over again. For all of it. How could he have been so blind and stupid? Truth be told he had a clue about it all but his feelings for Sarah made him keep Amelia at arms length. His feelings for Sarah made him keep everyone that wasn’t her far enough so he would just not process any of it. “Amelia..” he said quietly, now unable to look her in the eyes as her words hung in the air. He didn’t move despite her words telling him to leave. However things had gotten there, he knew that it was all his fault and if he walked out of there he knew that the chances of him losing her would be higher than ever. “I’m sorry Amelia. I’m sorry I ignored all of it.” It was the only thing he could say in the moment before looking up again, locking eyes with her. Taking a slow step towards her, he wanted to reach out to her and connect their hands once again. “I don’t want to go. Don’t make me.. because when I walk out that door I know you won’t ever want to speak to me again and I don’t know if I could live with myself.” Taking a deep breath, he finally reached out bringing his hands up to cup her face. “You don’t deserve the way I’ve treated you.”