Back on My Bipolar Bullshit

I'm pissed I wasn't given the pill I requested. It's the one I'd been taking for almost 5 years, and the one I know doesn't mess me up, but because it increases my risk of stroke (thanks again Zoloft for the weight gain!), I was given Lutera. Lutera has levonorgestrel, which is the same hormone that's in Mirena. So it's no wonder I'm fucked up again.

Besides destroying what little progress I'd made with my mental health, it also caused me to gain the weight I'd lost, and it made me break out even worse. It also gave me heart palpitations that still keep coming back. Mirena did the same thing.

Getting rid of Facebook two years ago was one of the best things I've done for my brain in a long time. Avoiding Tumblr more and more (at least my dash) over the past few months has also been good for my mental health. It's not even something I'm consciously doing, I've just stopped giving a fuck. I'm wondering if it's because lithium (which I've FINALLY been taking consistently because this new doc actually gives me enough pills!) has chilled me the fuck out.

I'm not ditching this place or anything. I just won't be checking in super often. So, if I don't get back to your messages for a while, this is why. If you're in crisis, please go to the hospital instead of messaging me. I know that's scary, and I know I've written a million times here about how much I'm terrified of hospitalization but, in a crisis, checking yourself in is still the best thing you can do. I'm not a professional, and it's best to talk to someone who is.

I want to go back and fix everything but I can't, and that destroys me.

I dated a guitar teacher for 5 years and still never learned. If he had been someone less horrible, that would've actually worked out. I've wanted to play since I was 13. If I'd stuck with lessons, I'd have been playing for 10 by years now. I should've started playing 6 years ago when I ended up with a really good guitar by accident. Why didn't I? I still have that guitar so why won't I learn to play? That was the plan for when I moved.

I've wanted to sing my whole life, but I still haven't. I've wanted to play piano, but still nothing.

I used to write poetry, but now I can't.

I still want to go to school, but I just can't get myself through the whole process to get started. I feel so fucking overwhelmed by everything.

Why do I just do nothing every day? Why am I letting myself fall even further behind? Why can't I get control over anything in my life?

I was saying all of this this time last year and yet I'm still here. Nothing's changed. Therapy did nothing but make me feel worse about it. I'd kill for someone to come along and just help me start things, but that's not going to happen.

I was doing fine with it for a few days, then my period started/I started the pill. I thought it could've been the Adderall because I was taking it while on less Lamictal than I was on before, but so many other things happened all at once, and my hormones have been fucked up for months, I don't know what's going on with me anymore.

But I'm putting the pill on hold for a while anyway. I've only been off hormonal birth control for about 3 months after being on it for 5 years, and I'd like to see if my skin will clear itself up and if everything else goes back to normal on its own.

Normally when my period starts, the depression and weird moods end. They don't usually get worse.

When it first happened on day 1, I thought there's no way it could be the pill. I just started it.

Then today I woke up feeling fine and thinking the depression had finally passed.

But then I took the pill and I'm back to feeling like I wanna goddamn die.

I know birth control can mess with Lamictal, and I'm taking less Lamictal than I used to, but I'm so fucking done with my meds needing to be fucked around with. I was feeling good on my meds just the way they were, then I started the pill and now I'm falling apart.

The worst part is I have 3 months supply from Nurx and my parents paid for it because I have no health insurance, and it's not like they'll give me a refund, so just stopping is a fucking waste of money. Cancelling will cost me money too.

I just want my tubes tied. I got the pill now mainly just to make my skin go back to normal but I'm so fucking sick of it all.

Christ this was supposed to treat my PMDD.