I want to bleed out in the snow

OOOHHHH

I've just tried another way of burning myself

The ways I've done it before

- cigarettes (smells too much and it lingers on my clothes)

- match sticks (the initial sound of it lighting is really loud, and the smell is strong) (and alot of smoke)

- Lighters (they only burn a small portion of skin and when my old lighter ran out of gas, my new one doesn't burn as good

- I've tried heating up metal, but for some reason it hurts too much and I can't manage to press it on my skin for long enough

My new method is using a chop stick

Lighting the end with a lighter and pressing to my skin

It's a wide surface area

And the smell is minimal

Meaning, I can do it while my family is home, assuming I'm careful about it

AND I managed to get white burns !!!!

Meaning I can achieve second degree burns

I found a hack (kind of)

Or just a new way of self harming ig

So its a ciggie burn

But instead of just pressing it into the skin,

You put it on ur skin, and you pull at the same time

So the burn gets so much deeper.

And just do that for as long as you can stand it

You know what I find so weird?

This morning- while at work btw, so I had an excellent day - my emotions where getting bad.

And it hit so hard, that even with my co- worker standing a few feet in front of me, blabbering on about somthing.

I was thinking so hard about how I would kill myself

The fact that I tried before but failed, the fact that my next and last option was to use a gun. BUT OFCOURSE I DONT HAVE ACCESS TO ONE.

So that plan flew out the window.

Then I was thinking about a series I was watching recently, and somone had killed themselves via hanging themselves.

And I'm thinking to myself, why that hasn't been an option in my head ?

And then I was like, well, that seems an option to me.

My mum doesn't have to clean up my blood because apparently she complained about that to my sister, with my first attempt

And all I have to do is buy rope.

It's simpler than getting my hands on a gun, easier than trying to slit my wrists, and I don't think I could push myself to jump off a high building.

But them I'm thinking, how long does jt take to die via hanging, where can I hang the rope in my house ?

It's all things I need to research.

Then I started to tear up, because of the emotional strain I would cause my family and that I can't even end my own life without feeling bad.

I add nothing to the life and I'm stuck, and the one thing that would actually help, I can't fucking do.

Because I'm a little obsessed rn

And I don't wanna keep using cigarettes because the smell soaks into my cloths.

Just after burning (with ash)

After cleaning it and rubbing an ice cube over it

I think I went through like 2 full cigarettes

There are more photos, I kinda went around my arm abit. I counted 25 or 26 burns, so I'd say that is a win.

I really wanna keep going but I don't wanna do it for so long that I smell like smoke so I stopped.

I haven't taken the dead skin off yet

While I was burning, I also felt the pain in my hand??? Which was weird but I loved it.

I don't know what it is but I am OBSESSED with the stinging pain, both during the actual burn and that long pain that lingers for a bit after the actual burn.

And I just realised, the pain after is so good but I know it goes away

And when I hung my washing up in the sun, I realised that the heat from the sun made it hurt more

And it felt amazing.

It's like a centring pain

Do you guys know any other way to make it sting more ?

I'm itching for it rn

I want it to last

Edit: I just realised that my phone gives off heat, and I put it over my burns, AND IT WORKS. It stings more