Little Mela

I would do it all again 

because this is the path that has led me to you. 

Such a strange path. 

If i think back 

to the first time I met you 

I have no memory of your face 

you bothered me. 

I’d see you coming and avoid your gaze 

nothing in common, 

or so it seemed, 

everyday in the same place 

yet,

in three years I spoke to you maybe twice. 

Call it an accident of fate 

that evening when I sat down next to you 

and never got up again 

we never stopped talking. 

Perhaps 

I fell in love with you then and there 

the first time I sat down beside you. 

Who can know for sure? 

I have watched so many films 

just to lay beside you 

I have pretended to fall asleep 

just to let me head creep in a little closer 

I have caressed your face 

just to hear your breath change pace 

and I have looked into your big brown eyes 

just to see the pupils dilate 

I have told you every secret 

just to give you pieces of me 

that nobody else has ever had.

I missed you 

when I shouldn't have been missing you.

It might last forever 

or maybe just a day 

he told me to grow up 

and stop crying 

but I had crossed an ocean and half the world to be with him 

and for a time it seemed as though everyone was dying 

and I was so far away 

pain that had no place in my house, 

that was not welcome 

was buried down deep. 

I could be divorced by the time i’m 25. 

I never thought that would be me 

but i never thought that I 

would lose myself 

like this. 

I have been grieving 

but not for us 

we have been broken for such a long time 

perhaps the cracks began 

after our first fight 

that first time you made me cry. 

I have cried for three months over myself 

on the shoulder of someone else 

who doesn't mind 

If you have to hear from someone 

that you seem unhappy

let it be someone who loves you 

so that you can lay your heard on their chest 

and cry 

while they stroke your face and dry your tears. 

“you can cry with me” 

you said 

and I have cried so many times

i promise my eyes will soon run out of tears 

and I will mend myself. 

I am angry at myself 

for losing so many parts of me along the way

for settling at 20 

for lying to myself 

for ignoring my dreams 

for giving up 

for neglecting my family 

for putting my soul into a box 

and closing it in a cupboard. 

Remember that you can not pretend forever, 

sooner or later 

the real you will come out 

and the longer you hide 

the harder it will be to control. 

I love you for bringing me back 

for never asking me to be someone else 

for listening 

for asking me what I want

for finding a solution to every problem 

“choose me” 

you said 

and I wanted to 

but i didn't think I ever would 

have the courage to do so 

I have never wanted anything more 

than to be yours. 

you threw truths at me

that struck me like arrows 

but I have been bruised for some time. 

Self inflicted wounds 

how could I have let myself become so trapped 

in being 

someone else 

was being me really so terrible? 

you loved me 

exactly as I was 

“why would I want to change you?”

Never have i pretended to be anyone else than me 

since I’ve been with you 

and its nice 

to be me again 

I was in love with someone else 

before you.

I built an entire life before I met you. 

But the more I loved him

the more we built 

the more I lost myself 

and I couldn't find my way back

I found myself with you 

before I even knew I was in love 

with you. 

My best friend 

keeper of every dark secret

of fingers in throats 

and every little fear and doubt. 

keeper of secrets 

never judging.

Kissing me the first time it was as though you 

knew me better than I knew myself 

there was no avoiding it 

I could but fall in love with you 

call me ‘darling’

and make my heart sing 

call me ‘darling’ out of the blue 

forever more. 

bring me flowers for no reason 

when you feel like it 

like the first time 

out of the blue 

a red rose

“just because” 

or I tell you I’m craving a coke 

and find you waiting for me 

coca cola in hand. 

Tell me when your sad 

tell me all about it 

or tell me nothing, and we can share the silence 

call me at 3am if the dreams get too dark and start to press in. 

Do those things that drive me mad, 

keep telling me what to do, 

keep worrying about me, 

tell me to relax

when I start to freak out over things that really don't matter 

and when you’re cranky 

and you’ve had enough of the world 

keep talking to me 

I’ll keep loving you even

when your tone is short and irritated 

and I’ll make you laugh, 

if nothing else, 

Yes its you 

the place i call home 

I know what they say

“home is where the heart is” 

but my heart has once again found home in a place so far from me

and every place i have ever known. 

I am from nowhere. 

I always reply vaguely when they ask me 

“where do you come from?”

I come from so many places, 

 have had so many addresses 

street names I never even bothered to remember. 

“I come from the sea” 

that place where the horizon meets the blue 

thats my home. 

You brought me back to the sea

in a way you brought me back home