C'est La Vie

Every time he looks at me with tenderness in those calf brown eyes I want to scream

To look at a girl and see the monster, hidden right behind the eyes, teeth bared and hackles raised, is to understand the truth of our adolescence. We smile pretty, we cower from the dark, so you don’t notice the blood we trail behind us, the bones ground under sharp teeth. To acknowledge the beast is to acknowledge the truth of the need for it. To acknowledge the need to hide, to snarl, to smile, to rip, is to say, yes, we have ruined you, yes, you are angry, yes, we will fall beneath that rage.

I thought I dreamed you, because I haven’t learned the difference between a nightmare and a dream even now and I can’t stop thinking about your hand around my throat, about how I wish you would do it again just so I can feel something, about how every time I see a photo of you I think of how you were the only person I wanted to kiss even while you made me want to die.

He comes around, And sets me on fire, And oh, I let him. I may as well bathe in Gasoline, wash my hair With lighter fluid. I may as well hand him The matches to do it. He sets me alight, warms His hands With my flames and I don't even scream. How can I cry when the tears evaporate before they leave my eyes?

I want to be a Phoenix, rising from The ashes of my self-inflicted Destruction. Instead, all I can do is burn, burn. Until there's nothing left but The charred remains of my Former self. I'm so tired of being on fire. I just want peace.

You only care when it's Convenient, neat, tidy. Bloody fisted, red eyed Screams are what you See when all I am Is tired and angry. I Didn't pull the trigger, I didn't load the gun. I just let go. And he Got angry. And it's. Not. My. Fault. And I'm. Not. Sorry. I'm only sorry that I Made the mistake of Thinking you might actually Give a shit.

Send my regards to hell, She says, but what She really means is, I’m angry, and you’re Here, with your stupid Face, unharmed by the Destruction being wreaked Around us, and all I Want us for someone to Feel how I do right now So I don’t feel so alone, And what she really means is, you don’t Deserve me and you Never did, and what She really means is, Why do you care so little for me when all I’ve done is make Sacrifices for you. He just smiles, tells Her, I’ll see you there soon enough, anyway.

What I yearn for is chaos, but what I get is weariness

I bet if I kissed you now, it would taste of regret

You bite your tongue while she breaks your heart

I never meant to hurt anyone