Honey, you should see me in a crown.

every single Edgar Allen Poe poem is hilarious without context

“dude sleeping in my house has a weird eye so I kill him” “crow visits me and tells me to fuck off, in my own home” “I visit my old friend and everyone dies”

why do people say “don’t be a pussy” when talking about weakness more like “don’t be a man’s ego” because you know there isn’t nothing more fragile than that

literally no one else knows this. nobody. 

WHAT

Sensational.

Remarkable.

@yourunderwaterskies

any system where people are upset there lives were saved is not a system that works

Anyway I miss Peggy Carter violently beating the absolute everloving fuck out of dudes with any object within her reach while upbeat jazz music is playing in the background

2017 mood

I think the most Gemini thing my dad has ever done is one year he threw himself a reverse surprise party for the sheer drama of it. What is a reverse surprise party? you may ask, well let me tell you. So he invites over all his friends and family and then in the middle of dinner he stands up and announces that it’s not a regular dinner, it is in fact, his birthday dinner (his exact words were “Surprise! …. it’s my Birthday”) cue everyone looking panicked, because oh god I don’t have a gift, I don’t even have a card, but my father, wine glass still in hand assures them not to worry and reveals a pile of presents he got for himself and wrapped for everyone to pick one and give it to him as their gift. And honestly? My father is such a legend.

if u don’t kiss ur cat on their tiny soft little forehead wtf are u even doing

Yelling at her for trying to eat plastic