We Are The Masters Of Our Own Fates

I DO NOT KNOW WHY I WAS NOT THIS EMOTIONAL THE FIRST TIME BUT THIS IS ME RN:

SHE DIDN’T SAY IT BACK

THE STAG OF THE NORTH

MY NAME IS CELAENA SARDOTHIEN AND I WILL NOT BE AFRAID

THIS IS GOING TO BE ALL OF US AFTER EOS I JUST KNOW IT:

I didn’t stop shipping Celaena/Aelin with Chaol because of Rowan

I stopped shipping them because upon rereading ToG and CoM i personally saw a relationship where two people loved each other deeply, but distrusted each other in fundamental ways, had huge conflicting morals/personal codes, had life styles the other didn’t approve of, purposefully kept secrets from each other because they knew the other one would react badly, resented significant things about each others pasts, had conflicting ways of thinking and reacting to events unfolding around them, subtly manipulated each other instead of talking about what was going on, have pasts and parts of themselves that would be extremely hard for the other person to empathize with, understand, and accept, and lastly had ingrain personality traits that clashes and would have made their relationship difficult and conflicting.

I stopped shipping them because i looked back at a ship that i had since the first book and was head over heals for, and saw a relationship I had with my high school boyfriend. A part of me will always love him in someway and a deep part of us inside really connected for some reason, and we loved each other a lot at the time, but our relationship didn’t flow but was constantly being threatened by outside situations and our own personalities/beliefs, ending up hurting us and frustrating us so that even when we were happy we were insecure with each other, confused, hiding things from each other, and uncertain. And i recognized a lot of that in Chaol and Celaena. 

Chaol is rock. Solid, steady, logical, black and white, tries to not act based solely on his emotions, thoughtful, calculating, has high moral standards, resentful, truthful, a team player, go hard or go home, solid dark, but bold colors. Celaena/Aelin is fire. Wild, fast, spontaneous, extremely emotional, makes choices in the moment based on how she feels, unpredictable, doesn’t have black and white morals, loud, feisty, independent, stubborn, unforgiving, quick to anger, enjoys luxury, bright neon colors. Some of these things are good and compliment each other. But a lot of them conflict and would make their relationship extremely difficult.

They truly deeply loved each other, and a part of them that grew together always will. They both changed each other. But wouldn’t Chaol be more happy with someone who wants to plan things with him, who has a deep sense of honor and responsibility, who wants to do what is right no matter how they feel about it, who understands personal sacrifice, who likes to protect others over themselves, who can sit and be quiet with him, who will not only be able to understand why he did the things that he did and but also relate to them, who will be consistent and a rock he can lean on, someone he’ll never have to second guess or wonder about, someone whose past doesn’t make his stomach hurt or conflict with everything he was taught growing up? Someone who he doesn’t have to worry about getting revenge for emotional reasons, or for acting for or against him based just on how they feel? 

And doesn’t Celaena/Aelin deserve someone who both is proud of their dark past and ashamed of it? Someone who knows what its like to have to control their magic? Someone who knows what its like to have lost their whole family and become someone else? Someone who smiles a little at wickedness? Someone who knows what its like to lose themselves after deep loss? Someone who wont be ashamed of the choices she made out of anger? Someone who will understand how it feels to both hate and love what you do? Someone who understands a desire for revenge? Someone who she doesn’t have to worry about judging her for her darkest desires? Someone who wouldn’t question her if let innocents die to save one person she loved? Someone who understands why she needs to keep some independence and secrets? Someone who understands what it feels like to act rashly because of emotion? Someone who enjoys danger, blood, and battles in a way that she does? Someone who wants to be a little selfish with her sometimes? Someone who has a snarky, sassy sense of humor who can laugh at her remarks and give them back to her? Or what about someone who doesn’t question why she does the things that she does, because they’ve done a lot of things too? Someone who doesn’t pity her, fear her, but empathizes with her? Wouldn’t she be happier with someone she knows can understand the darkness she went through, as well as some of her crimes, because they themselves have a complicated past? Someone who doesn’t actually see half of her life as a crime? Someone who also will occasionally make choices based on emotion? Someone who will want the same freedom and individuality as her? Doesn’t she deserve someone who understands her on a fundemental level, and agrees with her instead of having to ignore large parts of her past to avoid getting upset?

I haven’t even brought up the fact that Chaol didn’t tell her about a threat to her best friends life…just think about what that would feel like. I would have understood him telling her and then trying to keep her from going there, that i could maybe relate to. But think about your best friend, you’re only friend. And someone hearing that they were in danger,and instead of telling you they make sure that you don’t find out and can’t maybe help them?

Imagine an alternate universe where Rowan is mute.

Imagine that Rowan lost his voice when Lyria died, or that he never was able to speak in the first place/had something horrible happen to his voice so that he could not speak. Because he is mute, he communicates mainly via sign language. Also because he is mute he is seen as even more of a dangerous, wild, and icy Fae warrior. His very presence scares Maeve’s enemies. Rumors circulating that Maeve herself cut out his tongue, or that during one of the many wars en enemy removed his tongue and Rowan removed his head. He would be a silent sign of the power that Maeve holds in her hands.

Imagine Rowan meeting Aelin and discovering for the first time someone he can communicate with a person without sign language but merely facial expression. Aelin meeting this silent giant who seems to hate her, with looks that hurt more than words and punches ever could. Who can tell her with a single raise of an eyebrow if her form is completely off or perfect. Aelin learning the nuances of his facial and sign language. And as time passes, Aelin no longer needing to say a word for them to have a conversation.

Imagine Aelin cracking through Rowan’s mask and his vulnerable expression when he tells her about Lyria. Imagine the rage on Rowan’s face and his furiously flying hands when Aelin tells him all that happened to her. The shame that would cloud his face as he realizes just how much he has misjudged her. Rowan’s determination to right every wrong he did and mend the damage they have done to each other.

Imagine Rowan’s casual “what am I going to do with you?” face whenever Aelin does something stupid. And Aelin’s responding shit-eating grin to which he rolls his eyes to but can only smile.

Imagine how as time goes on, Rowan’s normally stoic face just melts around Aelin to this little bit of softness in his eyes and his mouth. The faces each would make whenever they just want to kiss each other. Them writing into each other’s skin words of endearment late into the night. Aelin being able to tease him all the time, much like at the dinner with Arobynn.

Imagine his face as he looks at children, and Aelin just reading the hurt and how much he wishes to be a father.

Imagine only two times Rowan wishing he could speak. Once would be to tell Aelin that he loves her. The second to scream her name when she was in danger and out of his reach.

Alternatively, imagine Rowan finding his voice at the end of Heir of Fire, when Aelin was fighting the valg princes and he was sure that she was going to die. Imagine Rowan roaring her name into the darkness, his voice cracking from misuse, and Gavriel releasing him in shock. Imagine Aelin not being shocked by his voice when she returns from the darkness because his voice was exactly like she had imagined it to be. Imagine Rowan’s first sentence to Aelin being “I claim you, too, Aelin Galathynius.” Imagine Gavriel teasing Rowan about it and Rowan hoarsely going, “Shut up.” Imagine Aelin wanting to listen to Rowan tell her stories for hours, even as he slips back into their silent conversations.