An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
for as long as he could remember, nicky had been in the habit of looking out for everyone but himself. it was a stupid habit, yes, but he never considered it a problem, if only because it was always easier for him to lose himself in other people’s problems than to think about his own. other people’s troubles served as a kind of shield for him, protecting him from painful memories and agonizing questions that he diligently banished to the farthest corners of his mind.
he was always ready to swallow his pride just to please the world around him, no matter what mood he woke up in or how he felt.
it seemed to him that if he died, no one would care. after all, who is he? he has no ties to the mafia, half the team doesn’t depend on him, he isn’t as talented at exy as he’d like to be, damn, he isn’t even particularly smart. nicky was just a strange guy who, as many people thought, didn’t know how to be sad, well, he’d be easy to replace.
he remembers the day when the diagnosis sounded like a death sentence from the doctor’s lips, an emotionless echo, and even at that moment he was thinking about everyone this news might affect, not about himself. cancer had always seemed abstract to him; something that could happen to anyone but him.
the first thought that flashed through his mind, as always, was of the twins. how would they take this? would aaron be able to cope with the anger and fear? would andrew be able to stop pretending that nothing mattered to him? for a moment, nicky imagined their faces contorted with pain, and that sight made him wince more than the diagnosis itself. the decision to keep quiet until the very end probably didn’t come as a surprise to him.
that day, nicky returned to the dorm with a detailed treatment plan. the dry medical jargon was intimidating, so he decided to hide the ill-fated medical report deep inside a drawer, buried under a pile of papers, where no one would ever think to look. and so, without telling anyone, he continued to live out the time allotted to him by the god, as his father always said.
the hardest moments were when he was left alone. everything he had so carefully hidden came crashing down on him like a killer wave. fear. loneliness. deafening silence. the illness was methodically reshaping him from the inside, like an uninvited guest. andrew, who always saw more than he let on, once caught his gaze, frozen for a long time in the void, but said nothing. nicky took his aloofness for indifference, and it didn’t surprise him at all.
the days blurred into a succession of agonizing rituals. nicky joked louder than usual, laughed more contagiously, and took on even more of other people’s problems so that no one would notice how he was drowning and stubbornly refusing to be saved. his suffering was sprouting new buds of despair. all he wanted was to be in erik’s arms and forget, even for a second, how mercilessly life was bringing him to his knees.
he had almost resigned himself to the fact that his departure would be so quiet that no one would notice, until one day aaron caught him, barely able to stand, in the doorway of the common room. aaron was studying to be a doctor; well, from nicky’s perspective, it was foolish not to realize that he couldn’t be fooled by the silly bravado of his usual ‘everything’s fucking great.’
“are we just going to keep pretending nothing’s happening?” asked his cousin, leaning casually against the wall, and the sound of his agitated voice nearly sent nicky into a hysterical fit. that was exactly what he wanted to avoid.
nicky froze like a pale stone statue, his fingers clenched around the doorframe as he struggled to stay on his feet. his carefully constructed fortress crumbled to dust at aaron’s feet. the painful light of truth flashed before his eyes.
“nothing’s happening to me,” hemmick managed to squeeze out.
“listen, i know how this works, got it? i’ve seen the fucking test results, nick. you’ve got the classic set of cancer symptoms, and i don’t get why you thought you could hide this from us. we’re family, you said so yourself.”
“but you and your brother denied that blood make us a family. i just want everyone to leave me alone and let me die in peace, it’s so hard, huh, ron?”
aaron settled down next to him, neither touching him nor pulling away. nicky knew a storm was brewing, and he wasn’t sure if he was ready for it. it would have been easier to go off somewhere remote, so as not to torment anyone. why had he stayed here, foolishly hoping that no one would notice him fading away?
“when andrew rubbed it in my face what was happening to you, i almost lost my mind. did you even stop for a fucking second to think about what would happen to us if you died?”
that question was what finally broke the dam of confessions.
“i fucking always think about everyone! why can’t any of you idiots understand that sometimes you just have to leave something behind to stop suffering?”
“you think we’ll suffer less if you just disappear?” aaron squeezed out a bitter laugh, on the verge of a panic attack. “that won’t relieve the suffering, nicky, it’ll just stretch it out for the rest of our lives. maybe you’ll find a spare brain cell to think about this at your leisure.”
nicky swallowed his resentment, soaking up his words like a sponge. the only thing on his mind right now was how on earth andrew, damn him, had figured out what was going on with him. after all, nothing had changed; they were all living as if nothing were happening.
when nicky looked up at aaron to ask what had given him away, he noticed the undisguised fear in his cousin’s tense posture. for the first time in a long while, he saw the pain his silence was causing and realized that his habit of sacrificing himself only multiplied the suffering around him.
“i’m curious what was it that your brother noticed that was so alarming, that it instantly alarmed both him and you? will you tell me?”
aaron sighed, leaning his head back against the wall and staring at the ceiling as he gathered his thoughts.
“you know him, nick. he doesn’t notice what you were doing, but what you stopped doing. to everyone else, you just became calmer, but to him, the silence became deafening. you know what’s the worst part? i didn’t notice anything was wrong with you, but he, damn it, seemed to sense it. that asshole told me you were planning to ditch us.”
“i was trying to protect you.”
so caught up in trying to justify himself, nicky didn’t notice a second figure appear to his left. while he was staring at aaron, andrew had joined him and his pity party. he reeked of cigarette smoke, causing nicky to wince involuntarily.
“that’s not what i meant at all,” andrew said. “you gave up and tried to pretend everything was fine, but i’m allergic to that kind of thing ever since neil. that’s what gave you away. you stopped being yourself.”
aaron abruptly shifted his attention from nicky to his brother, begging him to stop sinking the titanic, which was already going down.
“you know what the shittiest thing about your concern for us is, nicholas?” “andrew spoke quietly, but every word hit like a punch to the gut. “you didn’t even let us decide for ourselves if we were ready to go through all this shit with you. that’s not fucking care, that’s some kind of fucking mockery. you’re burying us alive right next to you, tying our hands.”
nicky heard every word with terrifying clarity. he and aaron froze, staring at andrew, who was used to hurling accusations like shots from a shotgun and had learned to never miss. it hurt, but it was a hell of a wake-up call.
“enough,” aaron said gently, in a warning tone. “andrew, enough. he’s barely standing on his own two feet as it is.”
without taking his piercing gaze, filled with searing pain, off his cousin, andrew retorted, “we’re fucking right here, right behind him, let him fall already. it’s about time.”
“you are barely coping with your problems,” nicky exhaled.
“stop deciding for us what we can and can’t do,” andrew replied. “you’ve been carrying us for so long; let us return the favor.”
nicky felt his strength finally leaving him. he lowered his head, hiding a gaze full of confusion and guilt. this conversation was definitely not what he’d expected today. he no longer had the will to fight either the disease or these two stubborn mules. not now.
“the game of silence is over,” aaron finished. “cancer can be fought, and we will, whether you like it or not.”
here’s how they ended up at the hospital: the twins just took him by the arms without asking. nicky didn’t want any of it; he’d heard enough about how, in his case, the damned cancer was incurable, but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to argue with those stubborn fools. if they needed to hear it all from the doctor, for god’s sake, who was he to stand in their way? his life was over anyway, what would the twins do, kill him for daring to die right in front of them? it even sounded ridiculous.
once inside the building, nicky finally realized that they cared.
it all made things more complicated and, damn it, turned his whole worldview upside down. he’d hoped to pass away quietly, without causing anyone any trouble, but even that plan had somehow been thwarted by the minyards. at times, he was angry at how easily they’d changed his life. nicky shouldn’t have been here at all; he was supposed to be watching sunsets and sunrises with erik, but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to leave them. although, to be honest, both andrew and aaron had told him time and again that they could handle everything on their own, and that it was time for him to get back to his own life, which, as it turned out, was coming to an end.
the twins led him from doctor’s office to doctor’s office with unwavering determination. andrew bustled about silently with the document, while aaron spoke with the doctors, explaining the situation succinctly and clearly; and, truth be told, he didn’t look like a student at all, but rather like one of their full-fledged colleagues.
nicky looked at the bent blonde heads when the minyards were talking to another specialist, and felt something break inside. under the fluorescent lights of the hospital corridor, overwhelming fatigue fought fiercely with the lights of hope.
because maybe it wasn't over yet.
“everything will be…” aaron stumbled over his words, but quickly regained his composure, though that did nothing to soften the tension in his voice. “fine. yeah, everything will be fine.”
“we’ll definitely get through this,” andrew chimed in, shooting a warning glance at his brother. “many people go into remission, and you’ll be one of them.”
nicky, for the most part, had long since come to terms with the fact that he would die soon. sometimes a nagging feeling gnawed at his heart, but that was nothing new to him. many doctors had told him almost the same thing they’d told his cousins, and he’d learned to tell the difference between lies and the truth. the fact that the twins were trying to convince themselves otherwise, that wasn’t his damn problem. obviously, none of it made any sense. then again, if all this nonsense entertained the minyards, why not?
his plan to quietly fade into oblivion had completely fallen apart when they barged in on him with arrogant stubbornness, dragged him here, and forced him to fight. the most incredible thing was that he began to feel that perhaps they were right. god, not that he would survive, of course, but that, as long as they were around, dying somehow felt unfair. his death would be an insult to them, and for some reason, nicky didn’t want to insult them. these kids had suffered enough.
“i need you to tell the truth if you want to be a part of my life,” nicky leaned against the wall, raising an eyebrow expectantly, and somehow immediately noticed how the thought processes in the heads of the two idiots across from him mysteriously synchronized.
finally, aaron exhaled, raised his hand to the bridge of his nose to remove his glasses, and the mask of feigned confidence finally slipped from his face. it became weary, youthful, and deadly serious. oh, nicky recognized that look a thousand times over. there was no point even glancing at andrew, his face surely mirrored his brother’s. now they would start to pity him, and that was the worst thing nicky could ever feel. tears stung his eyes treacherously, but nicky would never let them see his weakness.
“okay, you’re right about one thing. the doctors say the odds aren’t great,” nicky smirked, but still let andrew finish his thought. “it’ll take a long time, and there’s no guarantee it’ll work. you’ll feel like shit, and all our efforts might not pay off, but damn it, it’s worth a shot. without treatment, he’s got months, maybe even weeks left.”
damn, he’d been dreaming of peace.
“why?” he blurted out. “why do you need this? i’m nothing but trouble.”
“trouble,” andrew savored the word, almost spitting it out, and exchanged a glance with his twin. “nothing in our lives has ever come easy, nicholas, but we don’t give up. you taught us that, so be kind, shut up and do as you’re told. there will come a day when you’ll hate us for not letting you just walk away, but we’ll still be here, even if you hate us. you’ll fight, because none of us will accept anything else.”
“and what do you suggest?” nicky asked, trying not to sound aggressive. “that i smile, and you sit next to me and pretend everything’s fine? it doesn’t work that way! i’m dying, get over it.”
“i suggest you don’t give up, even if it seems like the only way out. i suggest you don’t think you’re alone in this. we’re here, nick. we always have been and always will be.”
he didn’t answer. there was no pity in those words, the very thing nicky had feared. there was something both worse and better at the same time: an uncompromising demand. to give up would mean letting down not only himself, but them as well. the twins wouldn’t forgive that. come to think of it, they rarely forgave anything.
“you’re a arrogant motherfuckers,” nicky said quietly, sounding not angry, but somehow weary and resigned. “do they pay you to make people’s lives harder?”
“only yours,” andrew parried, and that rare spark of almost humor flashed in his eyes. “that’s exclusively our job, as your younger brothers.”
there was no loneliness. there was aaron, watching closely to see if nicky was wavering, and there was andrew, standing between him and the rest of the world. at that moment, nicky didn’t look at all like a man on whom the lives of two troubled teenagers depended; the twins looked more like his guardians, and maybe that was even a good thing.
“you’ve thought this all through,” he stated. “bold.”
“we always think everything through,” aaron said, looking at the glowing ‘exit’ sign above the door. “otherwise we wouldn’t have survived.”
“and you’ll survive,” andrew finished, opening the heavy glass door. the cool air, after the stifling heat of the hospital, hit them with double the force. “you know i never lie.”
nicky snorted, letting them lead him out to the parking lot.
“surprise, but very little here depends on you.”
the keys to the mas jangled carelessly in his cousin’s hands. instead of shoving nicky into the back seat like some walking disaster, they helped him into the front passenger seat.
the car pulled away with a quiet rumble. nicky should have hated that moment, but instead his chest filled with unbearable relief. finally, someone else was responsible for making sure he lived to see tomorrow.
getting used to the fact that there was no longer any point in pretending was simply unbearable. nicky was still trying to be himself, or, more accurately, the persona he had painstakingly crafted over many years. no one had ever seen the real him, except for erik, and now the truth had come to light. it was unfamiliar and uncomfortable, but he was learning to accept that he was loved. for the first time in all the years they’d been together, the twins were looking out for him and didn’t even snap at him when he said something silly.
honestly, he couldn’t sleep the first night. the minyards had never worried about him like that before. it was ridiculous, why would they? he was the noisy, annoying guardian of two troubled kids, not the other way around. nicky expected that eventually everything would go back to the way it was; that one fine day aaron would lash out at him with reproaches, and andrew would simply give him a contemptuous look, slam the door loudly, walk out of the room, and never come back.
as the days passed, nothing bad happened.
andrew quit smoking right there in the dorm and started going up to the roof more often, taking neil with him. aaron took on the heavy burden of being the responsible one. he was the one who made sure nicky followed all the doctors’ orders and took his medication. they didn’t coddle him, but the situation had changed significantly nonetheless. nicky wanted the ground to swallow him up. he just wanted to cease to exist.
in his case, staring at the ceiling was an incredibly captivating pastime. especially when the top of a fair-haired head inevitably came into view. at such moments, despair would wash over him like an icy wave, threatening to swallow him whole. he thought about how he could be lying right next to erik right now; about a future that might never come to pass; about how the twins were wasting precious time on him, time they didn’t have much of to begin with, given their own broken lives.
“i hate it when you’re moping,” neither of the twins looked the least bit guilty for disturbing his peace, but aaron looked like a sleepy fly, so nicky rightly concluded that it was andrew he was talking to.
“checking to see if your good-for-nothing little relative is still breathing?”
aaron flopped down next to him, yawning, and nicky wrapped him in a blanket. one of them had to get some sleep, didn’t they? neither andrew nor nicky was planning to, and ron could definitely use some.
“don’t joke like that, you jerk,” aaron bristled, but quickly calmed down. andrew, however, continued for him.
“if you’re just going to lie there feeling sorry for yourself, i’ll drag a chair over here and sit next to you all night. it’s no trouble for me.”
nicky turned toward his cousin. in the dim light filtering in from the hallway, andrew’s face showed no emotion.
“are you threatening me?”
the corners of nick’ys mouth stretched into a smile against his will.
“well, it sounds more like a threat.”
“i am a threat,” andrew said, sitting down on the edge of the bed without waiting for an invitation. the mattress sagged under his weight, and nicky instinctively pressed himself against the wall to make room. “let’s both move over.”
“guys, don’t you have your own beds?” nick asked, feigning indignation.
hemmick glanced at his second cousin, who had already dozed off with his nose buried in the pillow. his pillow, mind you. nicky sighed, letting andrew settle down next to them in a soldierly manner. there was a desperate shortage of space.
“hey,” aaron’s voice cut through the silence like a knife. “stop doing that.”
“thinking you’re a burden to us. you just drive me crazy when you act like that.”
“don’t give me that,” andrew cut him off. “you always think that. it’s written right on your forehead in big letters: ‘i’m in everyone’s way, let me die alone.’”
andrew could cut with words just as well as with knives. nicky wanted to argue, but deep down he knew they were right. the twins were always right when it came to his self-destructive thoughts. it was only thanks to them that he was still holding on.
“listen, you fucking dwarves, it’s not like I’m exactly dying to die, okay? just so you know. it’s just that I’m not used to people caring about me. that’s the territory I’m least comfortable navigating.”
aaron snorted without opening his eyes, but at the same time moved closer, trying to warm nicky with the heat of his body. or to absorb his illness, which was even worse. andrew said nothing, but his silence spoke louder than any words. he just lay there beside him. andrew minyard, who couldn’t stand it when his personal space was invaded, was willingly sharing it with them.
nicky allowed himself to simply be. not to pretend to be strong. not to smile when he wanted to cry. not to take on other people’s problems, forgetting his own. just to exist, broken, tired, scared, but alive. a tear rolled down his cheek, and he didn’t try to hide it. in the darkness, sandwiched between two bodies that had become his anchor in the world of the living, he allowed himself this weakness.
the morning began with aaron tumbling out of bed when the alarm went off, one andrew had thoughtfully set on nicky’s phone. first, he rushed to the kitchen for a glass of water, then rummaged through a drawer looking for a pill bottle. nicky wanted to tell him that in a fit of despair he’d flushed everything down the toilet, but didn’t want to upset him.
he watched aaron bustling around the room, still sleepy, disheveled, in a stretched-out t-shirt, but already in the guise of a “responsible adult.” the sight was both touching and painful. nicky remembered the days when this same boy would throw mugs at him and scream that he hated him.
“ron,” he called out quietly.
aaron froze, squinting suspiciously.
“where’d you put the medicine, nicholas?”
“threw it out?” nicky shrugged awkwardly. “fuck, i’m sorry, just don’t get mad.”
a whole range of emotions flashed across aaron’s face, from shock to anger and back to some kind of weary resignation. he slowly set the glass of water down on the nightstand. it was surprising he didn’t throw it at nicky.
“you threw the pills away,” he repeated, and there was a hollow note in his voice. “the ones that could fucking save your life. let’s recap: i get up at six in the morning to make sure you take your pills, and i skip classes to drag you around to hospitals. andrew sleeps in your damn bed because he’s afraid you’ll decide not to wake up in the morning. and you… you just go and throw away the medicine that’s saving your life? nicky, this is fucked up.
nicky swallowed the lump stuck in his throat. aaron’s words hit him like a punch, and he deserved every blow. for his selfishness and for showing up in their lives in the first place.
when andrew, whom they’d woke up with their argument, realized what had happened, he laid down a condition immediately, “you’re going to take your damn pills in front of witnesses, nicholas, or i’ll kill you off myself.”
aaron smiled bitterly, running a hand over his face. he looked exhausted, even though he’d slept all night. then he exhaled, and his shoulders slumped. out of helplessness.
“listen, andrew, it won’t help until he wants to live himself.”
“but i want to! i’m really trying.”
“try harder, because we’re not seeing a damn thing! we can’t live without you, got it? you’re the only fucking normal thing that’s ever happened to us in our whole lives, so don’t you dare take that away from us.”
andrew awkwardly placed his hand on his brother’s palm, calming him down, and continued his tirade. he had a right to speak his mind, too.
“you’re an asshole, but you’re our asshole. family is there for the good, bad, all of it. we’re family, right? your words, not mine.”
aaron pulled his cousin close, hugging him almost painfully, and andrew awkwardly joined them. maybe this was the very medicine nicky had been missing his whole life.
