Lady Peterpan's

To hate, to love, 

To own, to lose,

The fine lines that intertwine

The fate that bounds us tight

 How can i possess you, every single bit of you

The you that I love from a champagne’s view

The you that i love in your fine pressed suits

The you that i love from down beneath 

 That even if i feed on you, 

The you that i love, 

Well... Its fine , Its okay.

 How do i know that this is love,

When you’ve been cut up and locked up by all of me?

I greed, I desire, I lust for your soul

Your tangible, fleeting soul

 To hate, to love,

To own, to lose

I’ll possess every inch there is of you.

 I watch as you spin with the spotlight on your little stage. 

You spin, spin and spin till you fall

But that’s okay.

I’d be there to prop you up on your fragile frame

 To hate, to love,

To own, to lose

Your lines and curves seem to fade from view

Every gulp and every pop,

The you that i’ve known is so familiar yet gone.

Down the alleys up the halls, you dwindle, spin and fall.

 To hate, to love,

To own, to lose

You say you love me, i know you do.

 I love you so with the paint in my fingers, the swift stroke across the canvas

I’d paint every inch of you with tender strokes.

But the glass is too blurry for you to view

“Is this rubbish?” you’d exclaim out loud to me

If my love, however perverse it is, views as it is to you,

Then it is,

It is.

 To hate, to love,

To own, to lose

Can the thirst of a man ever be quenched, 

When the water that runs deep has dried?

 Why do i only know of what i’ve lost when its gone?

 How can i know that I’ve loved yet haven’t cherish enough

How can I know the words i’ve said has been too many, too tough

How can I know another night with you can never be enough

How can i know i’ve failed you, this time, 

For good.

 To hate, to love,

To own, to lose

The devil will be there to catch your fall,

Not me...

I think that this would be the most appropriate site to post this, this is after all where most of this year's efforts would be going or aimed towards.

So, pardon this large chunk of words and allow me to pour out my woes.

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

Dumbledore

People always tell me that I'm brave for taking a gap year, I've never seen myself as that before. Some have even told me that they wished that they've done the same, and I'd thank God that they didn't. However, what remains unchanged, would be my reply.

"It's brave?", I'd laughed. "It would be foolish, if the "results" of this year's effort didn't change a single thing."

And that is genuinely how i feel.

Taking a gap year isn't easy. It's like an uphill battle that we "Gappies", for the lack of a proper term, are facing every single day. We're fighting with time as it slips, ever so preciously, from our grasps. Trying so hard to make this year worth the risk we took. Trying so hard to cram things into our portfolios and resumes, that'll hopefully get us somewhere with our admissions for the following year to come.

But just beneath all these clauses and terms, lays that fine print that we've all overlooked.

That baggage of insecurities that lurks.

It's like a persistent pimple on your face, It's always with you, through your days and daily go abouts. You'd forget it's existence (I mean, pray tell, WHO fusses over their pimples 24 hours a day? It's bound to be forgotten, even for a moment, with some laughs and company at hand.) But when you take a look at your reflection, it's there. And it always will be. (Well, till the end of the gap year that is.)

Which... offsets, a bout of anxiousness and insecurities.

And, I hate this feeling.

I hate the feeling of taking a gamble with this gap year I'm taking to try to get myself towards the course I want for University next year. Everything lays in the dark and I'm just desperately trying to find a way out before it's too late and i'd have to give i to what is expected of me. The fear that this year's efforts would go down the drain and i'd end up where i started off, or worst, back to where I came from. There's so much limitations that's stopping me right now.

Money, skills, talent?

I can't help but scoff and laugh at  this incredulous situation I'm stuck in.

Being fearless of taking this leap of faith? Or was I just being a fool holding too much expectations and ideals for my situation back then?

It doesn't help when the decision I made three years back haunts me everyday. Did I made the right choice to not appeal out of it?

I hated yet loved that decision.

Equally so. 

But, I can't help but grab at the lights that're shining out at me. That one percent of odds with me, not against me.

I'm just praying so hard for myself and the other "Gappies" out there, who're feeling the same as I do right now, that we'll see the shores or even signages that leads us to our dreams soon.

I really do.

If anyone of you who're taking a gap year, is reading this, please don't lose faith.

It's okay.

It really is. We've come this far from taking that first step out. We have more in us to go further and higher. Your courage to do this has already indicated you to be someone who walks down the unbeaten path. So heads up warrior, we've already set ourselves apart, we can do more.

This year isn't just about getting to our goals, it's about finding and learning more about ourselves.When you look back on this year and think it through properly, I'm sure that there's much to be grateful for. For the things that we've learnt, people who've inspired and encouraged us, for understanding and embracing this bag of insecurities and, of course, US for taking this step forward to what we want or seek for.

I pray that each and everyone of you would find this year(s), worthwhile.

It's time to turn on the lights now.

//The Seven Sins Series//

The months have passed rather quickly, and in a few more months it would be time to submit our portfolios for admission purposes. So, on a sunny Sunday with thankfully good weather, I decided to get cracking and start on my portfolio.

Initially this was just supposed to be a painting I thought up of, with no sequels in mind. But since, greed was one of the 7 deadly sins, I thought… Hey, why not?

Hahaha. So I present to you part one of seven of my seven sins paintings.

GREED /gri:d/ I’m pretty sure the whole Orca or Killer Whale issue with sea world isn’t exactly a new topic to people. Wealth reaped at the expense of these animals in captivity. Despite the pressure to release the whales, the possibility of immense wealth blinds one’s conscience to the cruel facts laid before them.

Moreover, it just seems pretty ironic that if someone, albeit a human being, was captured at a young age and forced to perform and live out his or her life in a small space, it would constitute to abuse.

Funny how our standards don’t apply to animals.

And it surprises me. The length and extent people go to to capture these animals for their profits and wants.

This isn’t solely based on killer whales actually, basically it’s zoos and all sorts of viewing galleries for animals alike. Going to the zoo had always been a highlight of my childhood. But after my visit last year, I begin to question myself of the necessity of animals in captivity for entertainment purposes.

It seems, no, it IS cruel when you start putting yourself in their paws and think about the life they lead.

Yes, there are in fact benefits from their captivity such as improved understanding of these animals and preventing them from facing extinction.

But… Is it truly the right thing to do?

Greed, definitely deserves it’s rightful spot among the seven sins. What is enough? Will people ever be satisfied with what they have?

//Whale you be trapped?// Decided to get around painting something I’ve sketched earlier this week, inspired by furry little peach. I think we are all trapped in our infinity loops, trying to get out of it. Trying to better ourselves, trying to push pass what we have already achieved. Plus, it doesn’t help when this battle within ourselves gets worse when we compare and look at what others have already achieved. But, truthfully, there’s no harm in having fun whilst doing that. Some things, after all, can only be achieved one step at a time.

Having followed furrylittlepeach on Instagram for so long, I was inspired to start on some animal studies myself. Plus, I had to break the habit of my lion-obsessive drawing streak. So, there we have it, the giraffes!

They are quite a peculiar and fun bunch to draw. Looking forward to familiarizing myself with their body shapes and faces, to play around with what I’ve learnt.

These are definitely one I the firsts, but not the last.

//FLORAL WORKSHOP LESSON 1// So, one of the many things I was blessed to have a go at, was learning the art of floral arrangement. And this was lesson one; the round table arrangement.

To be honest, I was rather skeptical with learning this arrangement to start with, as it seemed rather easy in comparison to it’s tougher sister arrangements in the course. With some background knowledge on how this was done, albeit roughly so, I was even more skeptical with what I could pick up from this lesson.

After it all, I had to say, my skepticism was put in it’s place.

The round arrangement may look easy and simple, for starters… But perfecting the round look requires much attention to the details that we often overlook, for the convenience of efficiency and haste.

At times I’d be so focused from looking at the arrangement from an angle that I neglected the others, which led to rather awry (literally) consequences.

Like what Mr Anson often complained to me during the 3 hour duration, “That little bit that you overlook may mean little to you, but it means a lot to me.” And not only did that little bit meant a lot to him, it meant a lot to the curvature of the shape of the arrangement too.

I guess the main takeaway for me that day me was to do things with my heart wholly. From the attention that I spared and effort made… Every. Ounce. Of. It. Mattered. The little things that I deem “ok lah.”, “Should be can. No one will see.”, could in turn affect things I thought people (or even me!) wouldn’t notice.

It seems like arranging flowers aren’t just about where and how high these pretty faces stand. But about the little tidbits of life, that we pick up and come to understand along the way, as we put them in place.

There really is much to learn from this little one here.

More than I thought.

(: