Clover

I do need some advice, however. I have a hard time researching on my own so if anyone has sources to some seriously in depth stuff on Odin.

My guru is battling on another plane regularly. He's battling himself as well. When the dark comes out its terrifying. I just want my Charlie back. How do i get him back? How do I tell the dark to go away?

Sun, the 3rd. Wasn't planning on posting for today, was uneventful. Helped with the hoard, made good progress.

Later in the night Day calls me. He needs to go to the hospital and wants me to come watch the puppies.

I drive 90-100 most the way. Found a zoomie guy, live getting behind zoomie guys 👍🏻 he actually saw me following and slowed down so I pulled up next to him so he could see I wasn't a cop 😂

Sister's been drinking I get to drive Day. I'm okay with this. Haven't gotten alot of alone time with him. He's so sensual and sweet. I cannot believe how much love I have for this man. (Parking garage sex did happen before going into the E.R 😏)

What had happened was his rented are way behind and refusing to leave so he blocked the driveway and the fucker busted into his house with a steel cane and busted his arm.

We didn't get our of the hospital til after 1am and I was exhausted. Not too exhausted to give him a handy while driving 90mph down the empty Seattle freeway which led to us pulling over as soon as we hit our exit. Didn't get to sleep til well after 3am

Sat, the 2nd; How is it possible to wake up so sad? I've been unable to eat for days and my aunt just keeps trying to feed me. My stomach turns. I'm supposed to be helping her because she is grieving, not feeling sorry for myself

Rest of the day was perfectly peaceful. Helped my Aunt, watched some movies.

The bulldog popped so yay BEANS. Can't wait to go see them in a few days.

Finally feeling like my usual self. Looking for snacks even 👀 everything is just peachy. Pregnant bulldog had her pups, vet said 3 there were 4. That fourth one was there for my sister I just know it.

The Attachment calls. One thing leads to another and we're arguing. I sit in the car in the cold rain for and hour and a half breathing through the tears to regulate my voice so I can tell him every thing he does that makes me feel inadequate and like he doesn't care. He constantly says he listens. He doesn't, he only hears. Guess we'll see if he heard or listened to me when I get back there.

Calls again later in the night. Great, I get to deal with his late night anxiety chats from a different state. I'm exhausted from our previous hour and a half conversation. I cannot handle this. Turns into another hour and a half conversation, 1am rolls around before I can finally get him to let me sleep. He asks if we'll be okay.... I doubt it but we'll see I guess.

Friday, the 1st: 6:40am get woken up to the phone, the Attachment informs me they were awoken to the cat knocking something onto my aquarium and breaking it. 11 of 12 fishies survive. They have to make due with a fishbowl until the Roommate returns with another.

I'm tired, my body jelly from the night of ecstasy. I just want to sleep. Day, hears me awaken and moves my hand... How can he be so insatiable? I've never experienced this before. He loves so fully and his dick just don't stop, I can't possibly complain and morning shagging commences in my half waken state.

Get a couple more hours of sleep and it's time to go back to Aunt's. Day doesn't want to let me leave. He grabs me, holds me, looks me in the eyes and I feel his intensity. How many time can one man make me cum? I can no longer even feel my body.

After being delayed multiple times I'm finally out the door. I miss my dog. But I have a pillow with Day's face on it and I trust my sister and him to watch after the good boi.

Peaceful drive, I'm walking on air all the way to Aunt's and immediately get to work. Kitchen is progressing. Life is beautiful. (No offense, grieving aunt 😬)

Attachment calls. Starts call with "what did you forget to do before you left?" I didn't forget to do anything, I told everyone everything that needed to happen, before I left. It is not my responsibility to put the bills in my name, I have cut the ties to the house. Why does everyone need me to hold their hands? Why can't people just decide to get over their discomfort and be fucking adults. I gave instructions, it should've gotten done whether I was the one doing it or not.

I'm over it. The Attachment is getting on my nerves. I'm over it. I'm over him. The point of our partnership was to grow and help each other grow. Helping each other does not mean I get neglected while holding his hand though life. Fuck that. I'm done. I give him the advice. I give him my knowledge. I've been so depressed for so long. I've done all the research and not until recently have I been able to put any of it to use for myself and he sucks all of that progress from me by refusing to try. Refusing to grow. I tell him the toxic traits that bothers me, in hopes he'll evolve. I constantly hear "I listen to you" he may hear me but he does not listen. Everytime I bring it up even he feels attacked like his depression is the worst thing in the world. It may be to him but only because he gives it that power.

Why can't people just FUCKING TRY?! That's all I want out of life, for the people in my life to put in some gods damned effort and stop relying on me. I'm so tired.... I've been so tired for so long. Why do they have to take away the best happiness I've ever felt by being irresponsible and relying on me? I just want the beach and my Day🖤 and I don't even get that because he's fucking dying 😭 ugh

Here I am, exhausted and crying. I don't want to go home. That place holds nothing for me. Idk what I want, obviously Day buts that's asking too much. I came here to help my Aunt not cry on her couch and provide minimal comfort because I don't know how to deal with other's grief. I need to do the dishes but I just can't muster the energy. Oh well, let this wave pass and handle tomorrow when it comes, I guess.

Thur, the 30th: wake up with so much acid I throw up in the middle of the night. Guess I ate too much. Dealing with the ulcer annoyance I go about helping my Aunt. One living room organized now onto the kitchen.

Her step son is there. He makes me uncomfortable, he describes capitalism and calls it socialism. He's grown up on Republican propaganda and fear mongering.

Time to drop the dog back off at The Day's. Aunt is too concerned about her grouchy cat. Wonderful drive. Tummy settling.

Get to Day's and he's on the couch dick out. That immediately goes in my mouth before he even knows I'm there 😂 I missed him and he missed me. So did Sister.

The night proceeds with plenty of splendid love making between the three of us. He calls us the sirens of the sea, he feels the immense power in us.

Dude (Day's kitten) gets too close to the protective preggo bulldog and suffers a broken paw. He'll be okay but I feel his pain.

I feel so alive when I'm with them. His dick refuses to die and we kept saying we seemed to fuck the life back into him and he was still rearing to go as we lay limp and his feet.

(gotta mention because it had me dying ☠️: when we requested a break he decided to play dbz... With his penis.... And he won the match... By... Button mashing... With his dick😂😂 how have I never loved anyone more?!)

That is all I have to report. Oh yeah, Had an argument with my Attachment back home, he needs to learn some independence.

Wed, the 29th; I awake tired and Ill. The pit in my stomach remains. Tears ready in my eyes, body shaking. I thought some sleep would help, did I finish my meditation? I must've fallen asleep, what did my guide have to tell me?

My aunt continually offers me food, it took me three hours to finish the first granola bar she gave me. The pit is heavy.

Roommate hasn't heard from The Day, she messages me, the pit worsens. I worry for him and miss him. For some clarity I shuffle my deck. How is The Day?

5 cards leap from my shuffle: Knight of cups, determined in his goal. The empress, you are nature accept what nature does. The moon, don't let yourself be misguided, the veils are thin. The page of wands, listen to the teaching he has given. The star, you're being guided home, be at peace with the world, hope. Shadow card(bottom of deck: the magician, he knows what he wants and he will make it happen.

The pit in my stomach has vanished. Even if three days wasn't enough in my heart, if I don't get any more time with him then that's just how it goes.

Sister has contacted, The Day is still with us and the bulldog needs a C-section.

Much work has been accomplished on my aunt's house. She still wants me to send my dog away. He is part of me, that hurts me. Sister is convinced the only solution is to switch places, I go with The Day and keep my dog with me and she comes to Aunt's and does what needs to be done. I get understanding only from The Day.

I fear she is martyring herself. Aunt doesn't want us to switch. Sister gets a lil high strung. By the time all the stress has passed The Day asked I stop messaging him... My heart is heavy with possible rejection but I must remain at peace with the universe and trust it to put us where we need to be.

I understand my need for my dog is unreasonable and I should not push him on the grieving. When we go tomorrow to drop him off at The Day's. We will see what solution is best. Sister claims hers in the only viable but I cannot reason leaving my aunt. So we will see what the future holds

A friend called, she (we'll call her Boo) she has awakened a Zozo.... This is way out of my league. The racist demon pinpoints her because of her ex being mixed race. I give her my advice, my page of banishing and purifications. Suggested her not to sleep in the apt. She is perfect for she is, as am I and everyone. There is no demon that can over power that as long as she does not give it the power.

2020 is wild.

A little background; for the past 8 years I've been in a vicious battle with depression and over coming the traits learned from trauma. A lot of shadow work begun late 2018 and I left my home full of depression and negative memories, things changed but really I was following similar habits. Such as returning to aforementioned home a year later with a new partner. The months that followed and lead up to this point were filled with frustrated arguments more shadow work, break down after breakdown, fight after fight and as much shadow work as I could manage while trying to keep the old comfortable waves of depression from drowning me. It was wearing on me.

4/20/2019 is the day it all started to change. I was listening more and more to the forces around me by then. Giving into the inevitably of what has to come for my own sake. No more excuses. No one able to talk me out of what ever it was that I was feeling. I was so confused. I'm always confused in the moment, but as long as I'm open and calm things seem to happen the way they need.

A whirlwind has arrived to break us from our struggle.

My sister, mourning the loss of her soul twin gets a call. The Day (we'll call him🖤) is dying and needs to see her. He is her past. 20 years since she's heard his voice. When I first met him I had many outside influences disrupting my energy, by the time I got to the hotel I was angry, frustrated, my chest heavy my eyes moist.

Sister was more at peace in this room with him than she has been in years. The turmoil her life has seen has left herself constantly on a precipice of a break down.

This is the start, I'm still mostly unaware of the changes about to rock my being. The way he held me when I hugged him that day, he was a stranger to me, how could he give me so much clarity in a touch. I was so uncomfortable, or at least I felt like I should be, but in reality that first touch opened my eyes.

Fri, the 24th; I wake up and my back is out so bad I call in from work. Early afternoon Sister messages me. We're going to Washington. Trials and tribulations follow.

Sat, the 25th; yet more trials. Sister is giving into the negative energy of the house. She refuses to leave. The cards have been throwing the three of wands at me. This trip is important. She can't take that from me. Straighten myself up (from bawling in her driveway) get the tire taken care of. Good guy roommate calms her down and we finally get moving.

Sun, the 26th; we arrive and The Day's not long after 1am. I drove the 12 hour trip in 10 1/2. I find myself absolutely infatuated with The Day (from the moment I walked in and he was listening to his balls with a stethoscope 😂) his energy is so pure.

Before I know what's happening, Sister, The Day and I are in a puddle of ecstasy with each other. This man has blown into our lives and changed everything. Sleep happens around 6am

I awake, 8:30am. Two hours of sleep is hardly enough for me so I'm tired, and my eyes are heavy and ready to well over. More puddles of ecstasy, the three of us have a soul altering moment of simultaneous orgasm. How can I be so content here. A day of peace and contentment, full of love, good energy. Ugh I just can't get over his touch. His fingers made my skin tingle. His kiss made my heart soar.

At one point he scratches his shoulder, his shirt lifts and of all the things... He has a Master Shake tattoo on his ribs (first time I met him he was shirtless, we've spent much time entangled unclothed, how did I not see it before?) A wave of recognition crashes into me. I've dreamt about him but what was it? What does any of this mean?

The evening ends with a jealous fit from my sister. She makes things worse for herself by giving in to the jealous rage against me instead of telling me to fuck off so she can have some one on one time with The Day (completely understandable she's had a 25 yr long thing for him whereas I've connected to him in two days)

Mon, the 27th; Sister slept in the car all because I invaded their space by trying to sleep against the wall on the bed with them because my back still hurt and she didn't tell me to GTFO.

Yelling match ensues, I gather my shit in a tearful rage, I'm hurt, my Sister calls me a shit empath (obviously, been repressed for 24 years. I'm just tryna figure this shit out) I tell her to fucking talk to me instead of expecting my ignorant ass to read her fucking mind. I'm unable to leave to see my Aunt, the battery is dead.

We have calmed and a friend of The Day has shown up, we get a jump. I'm out of fuel. Guess in not going today. My Aunt tells me not to come because I brought my dog. Wallet is lost, looked everywhere... Why is the universe keeping me here. The Day's roommate is coming over to work on her room. We get alot done. The Day being the smart ass he is ends up getting a smack. It puts him to the floor. His broken ribs and lung cancer reacting immediately to the force of her smack. Her guilt is heavy and I can feel it in the air.

He went limp in my arms that night and i was willing to let him go if that's what needed to happen but she drug him back and called 911. He gets reactive, he doesn't want help. He's deluded, can't think straight, coughing up blood. Falling in and out of consciousness. Is this why I couldn't leave? Am I here to watch him die?

The cops show up before an ambulance, I send them away. Told them he rushed past us, got in a car and left. He'd only fight them, I don't want to risk him hurting himself further. Roommate leaves (her room isn't set up yet). we leave him be. If he goes he goes and we'll accept whatever the universe has planned for the three of us.

Tue, the 28th; happy birthday Sister. Must be close to 1am, The Day sits bolt right up and charges outta the room as if he's following someone. I've been laying on the floor with the pregnant bulldog. He comes back and asks me who was here. He described a taller man, dark hoodie, light pants. Day, noone one my physical eyes can perceive has entered the house. We spend the night with each other making sure, continually closing the roommate's door (it sticks there's no way the wind kept blowing it open), The Day continues to see/feel the figure. We play, we love on each other. The shadow brought The Day back to us that night. I feel as though it was the Shadow's birthday gift to Sister.

Me and The Day sleep on the floor with the dog. 6:30am

11:30am time to get up. The Day remains with us though in some severe pain. Sister pressures me to leave for my Aunt's. She feels as though I am misreading the cards. She may have felt the intensity whenever I made eye contact with The Day, or how my hands where constantly pouring any healing energy I have into his body, I will let the universe do what it will but let me ease his pain. I feel she is still jealous despite my distancing to ease her distrust.

She called me selfish..... I just wanted to feel something. He makes me feel like I never have before. She got so much more of him than I did and I am slightly hurt and jealous. However, what is 25yrs compared to 2 days.

My cards say something is out of balance, am I out of balance, am I using my power wrong? Should I not be offering healing energy? Or is Sister out of balance, accepting herself as a grim and encouraging him to do what he feels he must, or even The Day. Is he wrong to accept his fate. He wants to go so bad. What if his karmic debt isn't paid. He doesn't want to come back, what if he can end it if he only made some changes and tried to heal in this life. He doesn't deserve another lifetime of hardship.