InHer Power

I imagine that this is what a baby in the womb may feel like. Tucked in its comfort zone, nestled and protected from the outside world, oblivious to what the next phase of its life is going to be. Suddenly it begins to feel pressure. The environment that once felt safe is now changing. Floating in the warmth of the amniotic fluid the muscles all around contract, compressing its tiny little body. To this baby it has no idea what is about to happen, no understanding that this womb that has been its home for the past nine months will no longer be the comforting place that it has always been. And it can never return. Once it emerges into the new world, the other timeline of its life, it must now adjust to this foreign way of life. The old ways of being and living no longer work and each thing presents a new challenge that it had never to content with before. In the womb there was no need for language, the energetic bond between parent and child were locked in even in there was turmoil in the external world. This infant must now interpret sounds into meaning and use muscles that it never had to use before. It must move its body as it takes everything in as data. And all of this is just to mast motor skills and life, we haven’t even gotten to understanding social cues and understanding the complexities of relationships as those relationships change each and every moment.

There is no playbook for this new human and yet we give it all the grace and compassion in the world for it to take its time in learning how to be human. Somehow we forget that we are continually learning, even when we are in our forties, fifties and well into our eighties if we’re fortunate to live that long. Environments, people, habits and behaviors all change. Sometimes those changes are so subtle, just barely registering the slightest awareness from us, but they are there. Change is painful, change is hard and it is also unavoidable.

"All that you touch you change. All that you change changes you. The only lasting truth is change. God is change."  -- Octavia Butler from Parable of the Sower

Ok I’m in an interesting spot right now. I feel as though I’m being pressed like oranges in a juicer or like grapes in a wine press. Additionally I feel old energy coming up to the surface which feels a lot like anxiety in my body. And in the midst of all of that I’m doing my best to continue to write and create. I’ve recently had a journal published which is the fist of many books that I am publishing. This guided journal helps the reader in their spiritual work, whether they are new or have been at this thing for some time, the journal prompts and affirmations are all designed to bring awareness to areas of your life that you may have overlooked. All of the prompts and affirmations have come from my own person collection. Questions that I have asked myself as well as words of encouragement that I’ve needed along this journey are all poured into this piece of work that I love with all of my heart. The publishing part has been a bit sticky but I continue to move forward. This is the moment. This is the threshold that I have felt myself approaching for years but never knew what this feeling of tension was. In the past I had no idea what I was moving towards, truth be told I still don’t but at least now I am more sure of the fact that I am more in alignment with Spirit that I have ever been in my life.

In the recent past I made a request. And if you’ve been reading this blog then you’ll know that my requests are not in anyway small. The first request I gave to God was right around my birthday last year in 2024, it was to feel the fullness of God’s love. I wanted no barriers, no blocks, not even me standing in the way of the love that the Creator has for me. Not too long after that my man proposed to me. The next request that I made was to Jesus asking him to help me love like he does. Then I had situations arise with adversarial people that gave me the opportunity to really love despite negativity that was coming my way. Then I recently made a request to receive the keys to the kingdom. I made this request with the understanding that I am most likely the key that I am looking for. But I wanted the help of Spirit, my ancestors and my higher self to help me mold myself into the key that I need to be so that I can open the door to my new timeline.

Since asking for the key to open the door the pressing has started. A weight on my chest that I would normally equate to anxiety now feels different since I’m assessing the weight with a different mindset than I was before. My mother gave me one of the best analogies to healing work that I have ever been given. She said to imagine that I am a glass cup that has been filled with dirty water. So dirty in fact that the water looks pitch black. Now I take that cup of dark water and I put it under a faucet of clean, running water and I let that cup sit. It will take some time but eventually all the dirt, sediment and “stuff” will begin to get kicked up and the clear water will push out all the dirt till the glass vessel is filled with only clear water. I actually did this one time so that the analogy could stick in my mind but also so that I could see just how long it would take for the water to turn clear. It took some time and there were even moments when I thought all the dirt was gone but there was still some remnants of dirt that needed to be pushed up and out. All that dirty water is being shook up, tousled and even pressed down before it could come up. Much like me in this moment.

The pressing and the key are all related to one thing that Spirit revealed to me not tool long ago. I am supposed to be the main character in my own story. For much of my life other people and my traumas have taken up the spotlight. I was the one that put them there. I cannot tell you how much time I have spent worrying, thinking, planning someone else’s life over mine. Or how many times I’ve carried the traumas of my past as some sort of life passport, thinking that those stories would grant me access to other ventures and help me to connect with new people. The sad truth is that I believed that all of that was me. As I mentioned in a previous post the question some years ago that stopped me dead in my tracks slowly made its way to the surface of my mind

"Who am I without all my traumas, my stories and my pain?"  -- Kendal

I am the key as I stand in front of the door waiting to open it and walk through. I thought that I needed a key to enter but I know that I am the key. How I enter and cross the threshold into a new timeline is by putting myself in the spotlight, center stage, not lingering in the wings watching other characters take the lead. And can I be honest with y’all? I have no idea how to do that. I know that the moment I tell Spirit and my ancestors to help me with this matter (which I have already done) then they will swoop in and give me the tools to make that happen. And when I say tools I mean that they will put me in situations in my daily life where I will have no choice but to be the main character. I must accept the highs and the lows of being seen but also trust that Spirit has my back as it always has. I think the reason why I avoided being the main character of my life is the fear of being seen. Not only was I afraid of the criticism but I was also afraid of the adulation. Any time I got praise for something I down played it so much that I had turned it to mush. Being humble was something that I had embedded within myself after too many circumstances when praise had turned to envy and/or jealousy. The sting of someone else hating me for me simply being me was too much to bear so I hid.

If you’ve been following along with my blog then you’ll know that I asked Spirit to help me love beyond the human concept of it. For the church folk I asked to love like Jesus. I made this request sober and with full comprehension, for those that understand the gravity of that statement. I recently had an experience that rocked me. The players and the tactics were all the same, nothing new arose for me to leanr this lesson. I’ve considered this situation to be like a boss fight in a video game. For all my video games, blerd enthusiasts out there you know that whenever you encounter a boss it means that you have mastered the level that you were playing and are about to level up. As someone who has been playing video games since I was a child I am all too familiar with boss fights. However I never considered that they would be real world situations. I’ve experienced adversity (as we all have) and when I look back I often wonder how I was able to make it through. *of course I know that it was God. What felt bone crushing in the moment now looks and feels like a gnat that I am able to crush with my pinky finger. I wasn’t able to recognize it then but I was going through boss fights. what was different about those fights in the past versus my current fight was that the old me would revert back to old patterns and behaviors that we not helping me.

I remained locked in narratives that kept me in a loop of unworthiness and self-blame which meant that although I was getting through the situation, I wasn’t actually mastering the level. I would then find myself repeating the same patterns but with different people and different zip codes. Solange was right, moving around did not make it better and I was often haunted by the phrase that I remember my mother telling me when I was younger. Wherever you go, there you are. I believed that I was healing from the pain but all I was doing was avoiding it. That’s not to say that I never had any healing or growth. I know I did. Most of the time, however, I was so focused on moving on. Life was continuing whether I wanted it to or not and back then I thought that I had to completely stop everything in order to heal. I couldn’t imagine doing life AND healing at the same time. But that is exactly what healing is, living.

So with this recent experience I not only slipped into my familiar pattern, I took it a step further and decided to rest in my rage. For a moment I thought about staying in that place. I’m not someone who normally goes to that place but when I do (and it’s only been a couple of times in my life when I went there) I get locked into place. I must admit that it felt cozy there. I soon found myself thinking of ways to enact revenge and plot the most diabolical plan that I could. It wasn’t even that hard. The images were flashing so quickly that I could hardly keep up. I was amazed at how easy it was to slip into the darkness. In one particular vision I could see myself thrusting my foot into a person’s chest as they fell into a bottomless black hole. I have Gerard Butler to thank for that beautiful imagery. And then I remembered something that my husband said to me the a while back. He said “this is another aspect of your spiritual warfare”. Now I’ve been on the fence about this whole spiritual warfare thing and have had many conversations with all sorts of people and the concept of spiritual warfare is split down the middle. Some believe it to be true, others not so much. I wasn’t sure how I felt until Spirit gave me a scripture to read.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."  -- Ephesians 6:12 ESV

When I look at it from the angle of spiritual alchemy and energy then this scripture would make even more sense. The moment I succumbed to the rage I was no longer living from a place of love and light. I do want to say that it was important for me to express that rage, if even for a moment. So often I was taught that anger, even rage, are emotions that have no place. It’s been within the past couple of years that I have allowed my anger and rage to have its moment in the sun. Before I thought that if I gave it enough space that it would burn the whole world down. But I just needed to release enough of the pressure so that I could let that light back in.

The boss fight was me not giving into the rage, not letting myself stay in that space longer than I needed to. Given that there is so much good stuff going on in my life I stopped and said out loud “this is a test”. I’ve mentioned before how much I hate tests when it comes to the universe but I was elated about the test this time. Normally I would have let this experience carry me into a spiral that would have lasted for weeks, maybe even months. This time I was able to recognize it for what it was, a distraction. Because that truth of the matter is that there are forces that will try and make you give into the temptation of your flesh which is not some horribly grotesque sin. NO! Giving into the flesh (to me) means giving in to the things that want to keep you distracted from your purpose. When you stay in that space yo no longer have the energy to create, to love to be in community with others. Giving in to the flesh leaves no room for compassion or grace. And that’s what it wants to do.

Last year I made a request, sent up a prayer. I asked Jesus if he could help me love the way he loves. Yes I was sober when I said this, and I said it with my whole heart. I was in my right mind and knew exactly what I was asking, though I was apprehensive because I know that when you ask for something you get a heaping dose of adversity specifically tailored to your prayer request. So yes, I knew stuff was about to hit the fan. But I was honest in my request and truly wanted to understand this way of loving which surpasses any earthly way that I have come to know and understand love to be. I should also state that I wasn’t doing this as some sort of backhanded way of getting the thing that I want. You know how we humans can be sometimes. We do things and try to get ahead of someone else’s needs and wants thinking that they will give it back in return. Because ultimately the things we’re giving others, we really want in return. But we don’t come out and say the thing, we hope that our actions will show enough examples that a lightbulb will go off in the other persons mind and they’ll get it. I’ve learned that this is a futile practice. It’s better just to come out and say what you want and let the chips fall as they may.

So my prayer wasn’t about getting this overwhelming love in return. I had already been receiving that from Spirit and from my higher self. This was a true request of wanting to be more in alignment with love, even when it’s hard. A video had caught my attention with a person talking about the fact that the apostles did not know who had betrayed Jesus until he outed Judas. Up until that point he hadn’t made any indications based on his behavior and actions that Judas would be the cause of his downfall and death. Even knowing this information ahead of time, Jesus never treated him any differently than he did the others. This got me to thinking about how I show up when people are not the most loving and kind or have ill intentions towards me. This is not to say that I should allow myself to continually be betrayed by someone, even if that someone is me. Toxic positivity has me a great disservice. When I first heard this term is scoffed at it because I couldn’t see how the words toxic and positivity could be joined together in holy matrimony. Then the universe does that thing when you become aware of something and all of a sudden you can see it everywhere. My toxic positivity was oozing out of my pores. I’m sure it was on the same coin as people pleasing. The two fit so naturally together for me. I would go out of my way to look at only the optimistic aspects , overlooking the realities of a situation which often involves a great deal of nuance that doesn’t fit into a neat mold and ultimately setting myself up to fall into patterns where I betrayed myself time and again. *There goes that word betrayal again.

I decided to take an in depth look at love and what is truly means to me. Since this was a task that seemed to be a bit challenging I shifted my focus to looking at the ways that I act out of fear, and anxiety rather than love. Interestingly enough much of the way that I expressed love was through fear and anxiety. I can’t say that I didn’t have good examples of love growing up. I actually did have mnay expression of love that I could look at and compare to my way of loving. First was my relationship with my mother (not my biological mother, though I know she loved me very much). My mother has been the steady force in my life, never wavering from her unconditional love, support and wisdom. She’s been patient with me and I took advantage of that for many years. When someone loves you for who you are without and strings attached or conditions to meet, you question it. Or at least I did. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that my mother wanted nothing more than to see me happy. Even if that meant that I was doing things that she didn’t understand. Of course I wasn’t actually happy but if I had made a decision to do something and stick to it, she supported me. I twirled around my life leaning on people who didn’t really love and care for me while I pushed my mother to the background. I’ve since apologized for not appreciating her when I was younger. And naturally she didn’t accept the apology. I mean…she kinda did at one point but it was more for me than it was for her.

I also had examples of romantic, long lasting love that was healthy and nurturing. My great aunt and uncle were the epitome of a loving relationship. Everyone in the family knew it and confirmed it. They never had children of their own but they loved all their nieces, nephews, grand nieces and grand nephews as their own. I can’t tell you how many times I would watch them love on each other in the most simplest of ways. I could give you examples but they would seem insignificant. It was one of those “you had to be there” type of situations. But what was very clear and apparent was their love for one another. They had been married just over fifty years when my uncle passed away. Not too long after, my aunt began to get her affairs in order saying that she missed her husband and best friend. About a year after my uncle passed, my aunt passed away too. It’s been eleven to ten years since they both died and everyone in the family still talks about their love to this very day. I never got to have those grown up conversations with my great aunt about what her life was like being a wife, especially during a time when women were not seen as equals. But what I gather from my conversations with my mother, my aunt and uncle may have been traditional in some respects but were revolutionary in others. One thing that I know for certain was that they talked to each other often, like friends. They confided in one another and consulted each other about all sorts of things. My uncle valued and respected my aunt’s opinions and would even follow her advice. And vice versa. Both of them still hold a precious space in my heart for the ways that I was able to see love in marriage flourish and even grow over time.

And then there is the love that came after becoming a parent. I will admit that the love didn’t start off with a bang! But I knew that what I felt was unlike any feeling that I had before or after. y love for my children is something that I cannot articulate. They most certainly challenge me because I often have to face versions of myself that I easily avoided or dismissed before I had children. I could no longer hide under the guise of not knowing my personality quirks and traits when they would be staring back at me each and every day. I had to learn how to love in a way that was not suffocating but allowed them the space to be who they are. I found myself calling my mother and asking her questions about how to deal with certain things and I could hear her smile through the phone. I was now in her position and I could understand the love that is so intense that you would let you children go. You release them so that they can be their full selves and sometimes you may not get that love in return, or at least not in the ways you may have been hoping to get it. I have had to let go of expectations and my own visions of who I thought they would be, or more accurately who I wanted them to be. This love has been the hardest to settle into, especially as they get older and no longer need me in the ways that they did when they were younger. They have opinions that sometimes clash with mine. They want their freedom and indepedence and I want that for them which can mean that I am not a part of their everyday life or even a consideration in their minds. Sounds kinda self centered.

Which brings me back to my prayer. I was talking with my cousin who is a retired minister and he said that all Jesus said was to love God and to love our neighbor as ourselves. No other commandments, rules or laws are necessary. As I read certain scriptures of his teachings and looked deep within their meaning I found that what he was guiding all of us to do was love. Period. And that seemed as something to overlook or try and find some other laws that he left behind that seemed more impactful to follow but as it turns out, loving others and loving yourself are the hardest things to do. I used to think that I lived by the golden rule. Treat others as you would want to be treated. But what do I do when I don’t even treat myself with the utmost love and care? And then I discovered that while love is universal, the expression of it is not. How I believe love looks is different from someone else’s vision of love. And what do I do with that? How can I hold space for myself and others when our love languages conflict? the answer may seem simple but trust me when I tell you that it is not. Not to mention the fact that what I needed in the expression of love from others and myself has changed as I’ve changed. So I must be open to the change that love can bring and not get caught up in “well that’s what worked before”.

I’ve come to understand that nothing happens until you are ready for it. It’s been in the past couple of weeks that I have felt a shift in my energetic field. First I no longer cared what other people thought of me. This was a huge breakthrough and quite frankly one that I had been striving to get to for much of my adult life. As I have mentioned in here before the people pleasing practice was a well worn groove in the path that is my life. I can’t even remember a time when I wasn’t striving for someone else’s approval. This lead to a life of attempting hits but only coming up with misses. I never felt as though I could get things “just right” with someone and that often left me feeling constantly inadequate. The realization that I could not make everyone happy came like a meteor into my atmosphere just weeks ago through a relationship that is of great importance to me. I had been spending some time trying to get the person to see me, to see my way. But all of my attempts seemed to fall flat and I was beginning to wonder why I was continually beating my head on the wall. What was I hoping to accomplish? Was it that I wanted approval or was it something else? I wanted answers but none were coming. I had to take a step back, reassess and ask myself what did I ultimately want our of this relationship and would it even be possible?

When the people that you are trying to please are connected to your core identity it can be difficult to ask yourself those deeper probing questions that either leave you with no answers, or answers that you don’t want to hear. What I saw in this relationship (as is the case in all relationships) was a mirror. There was an opportunity to see myself reflected. Rather than look at who I wanted to be or who I was trying to be, I had to look at who I really am. This was a bit difficult. My shadow and inner child work, which I often view as one in the same, had become much more intense lately. I was facing into some truths about my traumas, about myself at the different ages when some of those major traumas occurred, and acknowledge that the stories that I had been telling myself all these years may have not been the most accurate. I’ve said before that memories are a funny thing. We like to think that they remain in tact and clear of the events that happened, remaining as truthful and error-free as possible but that’s just not so. Years ago I had come to the conclusion that what I needed was forgiveness. But not from myself to myself. Oh no! I wanted forgiveness from the other people who were in these traumatic moments. But even the spiritualist knew that such a demand was coming from a hurt place.

So I shifted my focus towards myself. I wrote all sorts of affirmations, spoke all the hippie positive words, read tons of books on the topic and even in certain cases implemented practices that could be used my any practitioner of wellness to one of their clients. But I felt like I was coming up short again. I didn’t feel that forgiveness truthfully in my heart. I believe that sometimes I am putting so much effort into getting through something that I rarely allow myself the space and time to just collapse. Lately I’ve had to hold space for people who have been going through their own shifts and transformations and I could do was sit with them or be with them as their pain swelled and crashed time and again. This is not an easy practice and I realized as I was being with others in their grief that I was trying so hard to avoid mine. I’ve talked before about grief and the practice of grieving which I believe none of us are good at and not equipped to help others in their grieving. Some years ago I started training to become a death doula, not just to help loved ones who are experiencing or have experienced the loss of a loved one, but also to get some “in the field” practice of being a grief counselor.

I’ve been trying to come up with a clever, whimsical, smooth way to start this post but I think it’s best if I just jump right in. Christianity and even some spiritual concepts are not serving us the way they are authentically meant to. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t effective in their manipulated purpose. They’re actually succeeding in that area. For the past couple of months I have been struggling to find my voice., to let my light shine. I’ve done all sorts of practices that have been so engrained in me that they are as natural as breathing. Then Spirit had me going to church and while I was unsure about this new venture, I listened and did as Spirit told me to do. All of the spiritual warfare, all of the struggle mentality, stripping away old parts of me and trying to be the highest and greatest version of myself while doing the work and spiritual “stuff” has revealed greater insight. There are previous posts of this blog where I have quoted scripture or talked about God in the traditional Judeo-Christian sense. But the more I connect with myself through Spirit the more I’ve been dismantling these false narratives in not only my own life, but the greater consciousness that I (and all of us) are swimming in.

I have found my voice in prayer. I have been able to call on a higher power for guidance with that higher power pointing right back to me. I’m gonna go through some things that Spirit has shared with me along this journey that has blown my mind and felt so right in my heart. So let’s take it back over 2,000 years ago to a man named Jesus. If I’ve lost you, hold on. I promise this is gonna get good. Now, Jesus was spouting some radical thinking for his time. I often wonder if he were to show up now how would he come across visually to us. What would be the present day equivalent? What comes to mind is a hippie who would talk about love, shop at food co-ops, be vegan, grow his own food, wear Birkenstocks. You know, someone who the majority of people in America would ignore because he’s one of those “liberal socialist” guys. And I’m sure when I described him you may have envisioned a white man with long hair and a long beard. But of course given the region that Jesus was born in, he was not at all white. Jesus had melanin, lot’s of it. And not only that he was preaching to other people of color as well as poor white people who were all under Roman rule. 

Race may not have been a factor in those days (maybe) but what was certainly a social construct that the people had to contend with was class. Here comes some brown-skinned dude telling the Jewish people who the Romans considered to be less than human (ring a bell) that THEY had the kingdom of God within them. He told them that THEY had power and authority over their lives, not the Romans. So naturally the Romans got up in arms about this. And given that they were a huge empire with a far reach into many nations and regions they would feel some type of way about the someone telling their slaves and their working class that they had their own power. And to make matters worse that power didn’t even come from a Roman god. Shocking. Much of what was going on back then can be mirrored today which is why I believe that many of our ancestors clung to Jesus, because they could see the parallels in his time and their time. I don’t blame them for aligning themselves with something that they believed would bring them some sort of peace or even freedom. We know how powerful Jesus’ words were because we know that there was a bible that was specifically designed for the southern states, taking out scriptures that even hinted at liberation in the here and now rather than in the afterlife.

Jesus was also challenging the Jewish elite who were sexist. Men were intimated by the innate power of women for their ability to create life. If you plant an idea within a religious construct that all women are inherently bad then you strip them of their power and transfer it to men. Hence we refer to God as the Father who has no female counterpart to assist in the creation of life. The holy trinity makes no space for the divine feminine and I don’t know about you but both energies must be present in order to create life. Jesus included women and brought them into his ministry in a way that had not happened before. I think about Mary Magdalene. Because the scribes of the day were all men and the revisions and decisions of what would be included in the cannon we call the Bible was orchestrated by men, I question the validity of her past as a prostitute. Even Jesus’ mother, also named Mary, is relegated to a lower station. How could someone who God has chosen to carry and raise the messiah be unimportant? Do you really think God would have chosen a random woman with no spiritual insight to nurture Jesus in a way that wouldn’t lay a solid foundation for him to be able to manage the heavy burden that had been placed on him? And she traveled with him. For all intents and purposes she could be considered the O.G. Apostle. She was by his side from the moment of conception and knew who he was and what he came to do and she held space for him to grow into the man that we know today. She also encouraged and may have even taught him some things in his youth.

Ok so what am I getting at here? I think we should interrogate a religion that was taken over by the very people who considered Jewish people (which Jesus was) to be less than them (the Romans) and then turned it into a weapon for control and obedience for the masses. That would be like the United States suddenly adopting hoodoo and then repurposing and weaponizing it until its original essence was but an imagination. Gaslighting the leaders and followers, saving only the truly powerful stuff for the those who would use it for domination, giving the scraps back to its chosen people as legalism and then spreading it across the entire globe of this earth through war, violence against women, mass incarceration and killing. The correlation is not an apple to apple comparison, I simply wanted to give contextual color to what that could look like in modern times. Because Jesus wasn’t preaching a religion, he was showing us how to live, love and be as humans. And that way defies any and all religious or empirical constructs. But it serves those who only seek to rule and dominate, to give us a religion where we must wait on salvation in the afterlife. Or that we must get permission from Jesus or wait on Jesus to do something in our lives when time and again he said that WE have that permission simply because we exist. And if Jesus becomes a white man with straight hair and blue eyes and scripture after scripture says to follow him, follow his ways, what do you think that says to people of color? Especially given that Jesus is the son of God so that in turn tells us that God must be a white man. So all of our power, all of our identity, sovereignty and our permission to exercise our God-given power is to come from a white sky daddy. If Jesus were to come back right this moment I believe he would plant his hand on his head, sigh and say “y’all got it all wrong”. All the things Jesus did we each have the power and ability to do, plus more based on scripture “Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these” John 14:12 NIV

If you’ve been following along with this blog then you will know that I connected with my third time great grandmother years ago and did a ritual to break binds that had been placed on her. I didn’t know who placed those binds but it had something to do with restricting communication. Before I had done the ritual I did my homework. I did as much research as I could about my g/g/great grandmother and had many conversations with Spirit about what to do and how I could best help her. I didn’t look up a ritual on Google or read some conjure book. I consulted with Spirit and my ancestros as to what I needed to do and the items that I would need for the ritual. When I did it I immediately felt a shift in the energy. I couldn’t pinpoint what was happening but I could feel a change within me. Little did I know that this bind (or curse) that had been placed on my g/g/great grandmother had made its way down the bloodline and showed up in my life in a myriad of ways. If you haven’t read the blog (Generational Mending) I would suggest that you do just so you can know the starting point of this story. Before I had done the ritual I was plagued with many disturbing dreams that were haunting me for some nights. I had reached out to my fiancee’s pastor and my cousin, who is a former minster, to get there opinion and give me suggestions as to what to do. Both of them said that I needed to simply not allow the enemy to enter into my mind or any physical space that I inhabit and that I needed to speak with authority to get rid of the negative spirits.

Sounds easy enough but I felt that inept in my ability to speak with power and authority, especially to remove something that I believed had more power than me. I struggled with praying but my meditation practice was still powerful. I leaned on the meditations. I pulled out some scriptures and sat in my closet in silence as I felt Spirit wrap itself all around me. When I had another disturbing dream I woke up and began to pray but in a way that was meek and quiet. I had no intensity in my voice, no power to let whatever was haunting me know that I didn’t come to play and that one way or another I was gonna get rid of it. How could anything take me seriously if I’m asking it to leave rather than demanding and commanding? Maybe I needed to flex my prayer muscle since my meditation muscle is pretty strong. It took time but I soon began to get more and more confident in my speech, not just in my prayer closet but in my life. I began to see that whatever had been bound to my ancestral line was certainly tied to me. Ok so why am I repeating the words of a post that I had already done?

I said that I was gonng come back to this cause I knew that while I had done the ritual and the energy was working that I would have to report to you again as things would develop even more. And they have. More so in the understanding of what I have been up against. In my last post (Got To Give It Up) I talked about self-blame and how the scars of my early childhood trauma planted a seed of unworthiness and self-blame that had been playing as the major soundtrack in my life. Of course I had no idea it was, I was simply living life and wondering why all this bad stuff was happening to me or why I felt that I wasn’t being treated with tenderness. All throughout my life I had many instances when I would let my light shine and then felt some attack as a result of that radiance. It wasn’t just a bind on speaking that had been passed down, it was a bind of our ancestral light. If someone was able to curse my g/g/great grandmother and stop her as well as her children and her children’s children then no one would be able to speak up and command that those shackles be removed and to let that light radiate as far as it could. We dim our lights to let others shine or for safety. I read, or should I say listened to a really good book called, Heal The Witch Wound by Celeste Larson. I have my reservations about the title simply because I do not refer to myself as a witch, but Spirit guided me to read the book and I found it to be extremely eye opening.

In the book the author talks about how there are many women experiencing a witch wound because somewhere in our bloodline an ancestor was persecuted for being who they were in their full light. Whether that was someone who was a conjurer, a kitchen witch, garden witch or many others that I don’t have enough time to name. I’ll be honest. When it comes to talking about the history of women and spiritual work I wince when I discover that the author is a white woman. My track record with white women has not been good, especially in the spiritual and wellness space as I have experienced so many paper cuts of micro-aggressions that I am still bleeding from. But the words hit home and I felt something open up within me to let me know that there was something here that I needed to look deeper into for myself. I think that spirituality as a whole gives people the heebee geebees. When there are things that you cannot explain and are out of the realm of this human, physical experience it can make you seem crazy. Hence we have a long history of women being not only persecuted for their spiritual work, but killed for it as well.

Like I said earlier, I don’t know what my g/g/great grandmother was up to but it had to be something powerful enough for someone to say that she could no longer speak in the astral realm. And for that power to pass along the bloodline let me know that she must have been a force to be reckoned with. I’ve been told by people that I know and by strangers that my energy is intense. Sometimes that’s a good thing and sometimes that’s a bad thing. In either case it has meant that I am felt before I am seen and that can make people feel some type of way. My fiancee told me a quote that I wrote down and read often he said

"You're angels can upset other people's demons."  -- Bobby Green

Now admittedly I did (and still do not) believe in demons. I guess that may not make sense since I believe in angels. But I know that just as there are beings of light, there are also beings of darkness. I have done my best to live my life as fully as I can but I have found myself stopping short of how far I know I can go because I fear what could happen if I let my light fully shine. I know, haters are gonna hate no matter what you do but somewhere along my bloodline, maybe going back to my g/g/great grandmother, or maybe even further, there was strategy that had been put in place that locked up the spiritual gifts of the women that followed for generations to come. Dim, hide, survive. But hiding never kept me safe. And I never could fully hide anyway. There would always be moments when I would let my light shine enough for me to feel the warmth of its glow and just as I would do that here would come some negativity to manipulate, control or siphon off the oil that kept my light lit. It wasn’t enough that I had a generational pattern of this. Because I was constantly emitting the signal of unworthiness and self-blame, the dark forces would swarm as soon as they got a whiff of that light. By the time I reached adulthood I had trained myself enough times to keep my light at a bare flicker. And if I came across anyone who looked like they would attempt to snuff it out, I either did it for them or I gave them the last remnants of my light and the oil that let it burn all together. Better to be preemptive than be caught off guard.

This was another sliver of self that I had accepted as being this way for the rest of my life. Besides, my life was alright. I mean I wasn’t happy all around but who is?! In my earlier years I had made attempts to leave the planet. I hadn’t gotten to that point during these times in my late thirties, early forties but my identity was completely gone and I had no concept that life could be any different. One of the scriptures that I have on my bathroom mirror and I read every morning when I brush my teeth is “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” - Matthew 5:16 KJV These words were spoken by Jesus who is giving his first sermon. The sermon on the mount. Right before this particular scripture he says that we are a light that should be set on a hill and not hidden. I think this scripture often gets overlooked. Many religious and spiritual texts talk about being light and letting your light shine. The sun has always been revered as an important celestial body to emulate. I rested on this scripture for some time because it was a reminder that even Jesus knew that you need to keep your light on no matter what. We dismiss these words as just allegory or a parable, but you and I and everyone on this planet is truly light. We are light beings. When we turn off or dim our light we are saying to the universe that we do not matter and that we don’t believe ourselves to be worthy of the light that we carry within us. But that light is not just some cute imagination. Our light is the driving force, the energy that enables us to execute our mission on this earth. We’ve all been given specific assignments to complete, karmic patterns we need to break, ancestral and past life wounds we need to heal. In order to do that we need an energy source.

The other day I did a cord cutting ritual to cut myself off from unworthiness. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it before? I mean, all this time I knew that unworthiness was my achilles heel and yet it never occurred to me to use the authority and power of my voice to get that narrative out of my body, mind and spirit. I did the ritual after a particularly trying exchange with someone. Trying as in I was trying to not respond in my usual way. As the moment was happening it was like I was having an out of body experience and I said to myself this is a test. I’m not a fan of the universe testing me. I’m sure many aren’t. I used to reject that notion all together but I now recognize that the tests show up right after I have made a change in my thinking and it’s an opportunity for the universe (for me) to see if I can do something different than my usual patterned behavior. I felt like a superhero who had unlocked a new skill and was learning it on the fly. My body was following it’s typical process but my mind was bringing me back to the present, back to alignment.

After I left I took some deep breaths, went to my favorite spot by a river with beautiful trees on the bank and asked out loud what is this moment teaching me? I can honestly say I’ve never asked myself that question in the midst of a super charged, anxious moment. I did the ritual as was instructed by Spirit and then I meditated and went to bed. I could sense that although the energy of unworthiness was working itself out of my body, there was still some lingering energy work that needed to be done. There are two women on YouTube whose tarot readings have been spot on with my life for the past two years. Initially I dismissed the freakishly accurate readings, telling my self that my mind and spirit were only reverberating back to me what I was thinking and feeling. But of course, that IS how the universe works. Then each women had done a reading some time last year that made me sit up and say maybe this really is Spirit communicating to me through them. And ever since then their messages have felt like a violation of my privacy as if they were reading my personal journal entires and regurgitating them back to me. So after the unworthiness cord cutting ritual their videos popped up the very next day. I mean, the algorithm yes but also…divine messaging.

The message that came through was that there was something that I needed to let go of and that I ultimately knew what this was. Then once I was able to let it go the roads would be open and all that I have been working towards would begin to flow like the rivers of living water. I was pissed to hear this message. I had been letting things go of shit left and right, cutting cords from shame, guilt, anger, confusion, doubt, fear. I had forgiven myself and forgiven others. I was thinking and feeling differently. Stuff was beginning to move and I could see it. So what else could there possibly be to let go of?! As usual Spirit gave me my answer within minutes.

Self-blame

When I heard the words and felt them surface in my mind I scrunched up my face. Self-blame?! What the hell is that and where in the hell did it come from? I had been working on unworthiness all this time and acknowledged that narrative as a core belief that had been planted in my mind when I was a child. It took time to get to that belief and now here Spirit was telling me that there was another layer to this shit?! I threw my hands up (not technically cause I was driving). But as I relaxed and took a moment to breathe and reflect I knew Spirit was right. Of course, because Spirit is always right. This self-blame has been with me since my toddler years. Sexual abuse and the death of my mother were the two impactful situations that birthed this belief. But I hadn’t been aware of it for over forty years. Then I zoomed out. I looked at all of my relationships and recognized a pattern. Whether family, friendships or romantic relationships I had been connected to people who cut me with a million paper cuts through their words that affirmed my belief that I was to blame for everything in my life. After that tenuous exchange I had with someone when I did the unworthiness cord cutting ritual I had another moment that showed me how much I have been allowing people to tell me that I am the cause of all the bad stuff that had happened between us. If not those words then it would be some snarky comment about me not showing up for them or loving them in the ways that they needed me to.

My self-blame would flare up and I would spiral into a million pieces doing everything I could to correct those relationships. Suddenly I could see all the moments that added up to years of my life when I would mentally work out various scenarios to see how the situations could be different and more appealing to whoever I was trying to please. Like solving a Rubix cube I would tumble the energy through not only my mind but my body. Now I understood why I was always tired. The mental and spiritual exhaustion that I was putting myself through was way too much. Driving my car, I said out loud that I was ending the self-blame pattern immediately. No ritual, no formal or informal practice, no meditation. Just the power and authority of my words and the fervent energy to back those words up. I told myself that any relationships that had the hint of self-blame would either have to be changed or completely removed from my life all together. And this was pivotal because many of those relationships have been foundational to me. How can I grow and be the full version of myself if I am constantly supporting a narrative that suppresses me? AND there are people in my life who support that suppression through their actions. I can’t do it anymore. I decided that I quit.

I’m not going to sit down and have some long drawn out conversation with folks about this new way of being. In fact I’ve done something similar to that in that past only to have the people not give me clear and direct information as to how I could make healthy changes in our relationship. So I would keep shucking and jiving to try and make other people see that I’m good, I’m worthy and if you are mad at me or feel that I am the reason for all of the downfalls in our relationship then I’ll show you that I can work on it and we will be better than ever. But this emotional labor was not recognized and no amount of apologies or changed behavior on my part made any sliver of a difference. Plus it was only me who was putting in the wok, making suggestions and coming up with ideas and plans that I would present to folks as if I was giving them a slide deck of “Ways I can make our relationship better”. If the other person sees that I’m doing all the work then it shows them that they can go on and continue to sit back with feet up and let me run around in circles till I’m too exhausted to function. Two out of the three relationships that I immediately knew would be affected by this change gave me pause. Only one out of the three made me reconsider my efforts and I told myself that I could keep my old pattern with them but would change in these other areas. But the transformation had to happen across the board.

Cord cutting is one of those rituals that is a must in my personal opinion. If you call yourself a spiritual girlie (or guy or person) and you aren’t doing any cord cutting then I don’t even know what to tell you. Let me be honest. I wasn’t really into this ritual until recently. While I had known about cord cutting for many years I didn’t incorporate the ritual until fairly recently. Chalk it up to me not being on top of my spiritual game cause I had been slacking on my cleansing and protection rituals as well. But that’s a conversation for a whole other post.

If you are new to this practice let me tell you that it’s not as complicated as one might think. First off when it comes to a ritual you should really tailor it to your specific needs. I can give you some general tools that you can use but feel free to use whatever is calling you, or Spirit and your ancestors are guiding you to use. Some basic items that you can use are:

A candle or candles - any color can work. White is all purpose and can be used for anything. Do not feel that you need a specific color in order to do a ritual. It’s more about your energy and less about what color you need to use.

Incense - preferably something that is good for cleansing like palo santo, frankincense or sage. You can even use rosemary or hyssop.

Rope/yarn/string

Scissors

I’ve included bells, oils as well as my own saliva and pictures to place in front of the candles for certain people who I am either cutting myself off from or helping (as in ancestors). You don’t even need actual scissors. You can use your hands and make the cutting motion with your fingers and it can have the same affect. As always consult with Spirit and your higher self about best items, tools and structure for your ritual. The major component of the ritual is the words. This is where I always suggest using your own words as this will grant you the greatest power with the most potency because the words are coming from you and not from someone else who doesn’t understand your situation. Take some time and meditate on what it is that you are cutting yourself off from. This is important so do not skip this step. It may take you days even weeks before you come up with the words for the ritual. As you meditate open yourself up to Spirit and allow the energy to flow. Tell Spirit what you are doing and ask for guidance.

Most people do these rituals to cut themselves off from a person. Usually an ex. But this ritual can be used for anyone, even aspects of yourself that no longer serve you. I would caution you though that when it comes to cutting cords from old versions of yourself that you make sure that you have done the healing work on that part of you. Cutting any cord prematurely is not advised because it can come back with a vengeance. It’s the spiritual equivalent to ghosting but can have very damaging effects. You can also cut cords from emotions, behaviors and patterns that have been weighing you down. The same advice for old versions of yourself can be applied to emotions.

Here’s the thing. None of this should be done without proper healing time first. Any and all spiritual work is not a fast track to avoid dealing with pain and trauma. Though we may not want to, it’s necessary to deal with and process your shadow work. Someone once told me these wise words and I repeat them to this very day. Do what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do. Many people are so focused on manifesting and trying to bring things into their lives but they haven’t cleaned up all the cobwebs and dark energies that are hiding out in the corners of their internal selves. That’s like trying to buy all new stuff for your home while still having the old stuff that’s broken down and falling apart but acting like the old stuff isn’t there. Before you know it your home is cluttered with stuff and even though you got shiny new things your home looks like your hoarding rather than living.

Something else that I suggest is doing cleansing and protection work after cutting cords. The reason for this is because once you have released yourself from something, there may be some residual “stuff” that can still be attached to you. Just because you cut the cord doesn’t mean that everything is now hunky dory. It’s the same as when a new born baby is cleaned off and wrapped up after it’s born and the umbilical cord is cut. Cleansing is just a good practice to have on a regular and consistent basis. As we go throughout the day and our lives, energy is getting attached to us all the time. But we’re rarely aware of it. And if you are an empath (as many people are) then it is imperative that you cleanse yourself regularly. Have you ever noticed that there are times when you could be alright, everything is good and then suddenly, out of nowhere you’re whole vibe shifts and you have no clue as to why? It could be the result of a physical person or a spirit that has attached itself to you and is now controlling and manipulating your energy field which can affect your emotions and overall physical health.

Protection work seals the deal. Once you have cut the cords and cleansed yourself, put up some protection. Let me tell you! I did some heavy duty cord cutting with my ancestors and with some folks who were sending out spiritual attacks my way and if I had not protected myself I would have ended up worse for the wear. Protection ensures that you are keeping yourself safe and secure. Sometimes we may unintentionally end up cutting cords prematurely and that energy could come back and try to wreak havoc on your and your loved ones (or anything you touch for that matter). Whether you do a daily ritual, enchant a totem item (like a piece of jewelry or some oil) or carry a gris-gris bag, be on point when it comes to your protection. I had done a cord cutting ritual that required a great deal of spiritual energy in order for me to execute it. The entire ritual took about three days for me to do from beginning to end and when it was all done I had gone the extra mile and done a return to sender ritual before I did the protection. This isn’t necessary in all cases but like I said, I was dealing with some stuff that was going back generations and involved a lot of labor on my end. I wasn’t playing around and wanted to make sure that nothing was coming back to me or my loved ones for this life and the generations after me.

You may be asking yourself What are the benefits of this ritual? Well cutting cords allows you to see clearly. Sometimes folks are deciding on the next move that they should make whether that’s if they should get out of relationship, how to get out of a relationship or to leave a job, and they’re having trouble seeing the options that are laid out before them. Cutting cords can give you the ability to remove energy that is clouding your mind and causing confusion. Another question that you might have is how often should you do cord cutting and how do you know when you have been completely cut off from whatever it is you are disconnecting yourself from? If you know you want to cut a couple of cords, (like from an emotion, old versions of yourself or a person) I would give enough space and time for you to sense and know that the energy has cleared. Doing cord cutting back to back my overload your system. There’s no rush. Check in with Spirit and your higher self through meditation and see how the energy is. You will know when the cord is cut because you should be able to get confirmation from your own energy. You may feel lighter, experience more joy or peace. If it’s a person that you cut yourself off from maybe you notice that you no longer get angry or emotional when their name is brought up or you see a picture of them. If it’s an older version of yourself you may recognize that a memory or past experience no longer hold the same weight that it did before the ritual.

I wanna talk about female friendships. I’ve had female friends sprinkled throughout my life. Some came and went quickly, others lingered around for years with a steady ebb and flow of the tides. I would be lying if I were to say that I never watched those quirky, fun movies about adult women traveling together or having a good laugh and longed to have that experience for myself. I wanted a friend, many friends in fact. Someone once told me “you don’t want friends because you don’t want to do the work that it takes to have friends”. I found this statement to be extremely disrespectful. Because I have friends. In fact I have a best friend. Nick has been my best friend for thirty years! And not thirty years of on and off interaction without speaking for months or even years, NO! Thirty years of ups and downs, joy and pain. I was the first person that Nick came out to when we were in high school. He was right by my side when my oldest daughter was born and even cut the umbilical cord. Our bond is deep. I often thought that people were jealous of our relationship because we were (and still are) so close. And yet while my relationship with Nick is unmatched and will always be special to me, having a gay male best friend is nothing like having a sister friend. Other people may try to convince you otherwise but I’m here to tell you that one cannot replace the other. 

I had relegated myself to a life without a female bestie. And I was alright with that. One relationship that I have with a female friend which has lasted twenty years has always been fulfilling. Unfortunately we live thousands of miles away and only see each other every purple moon but when we do get together we always manage to pick up right where we left off. But I yearned for that one friend who I could call and she could call me and we talk for hours about all sorts of things, gossip a little, have our own distinct language and nicknames (cause you gotta talk about people without them knowing your talking about them). Then magically, through circumstances that I couldn’t have even imagined, a friend began to emerge. We met via Prince’s internet (I don’t claim Oprah or Beyoncé’s internet, it will always and forever be Prince for me). I was in my mid-thirties, a stay-at-home mom who poured myself into my creativity through a YouTube channel that my family had at the time. She found the channel and loved my content, commented on videos regularly and even liked the content that wasn’t the most popular. Even through the screen I could feel her genuine spirit. We’re both kinda old school in that meeting someone online (whether romantic or platonic) still feels tenuous. You’re never sure if you’re meeting an authentic person.

We have some crucial intersection points in common. We’re both queer, black women with a passion for spirituality and social justice. We both LOVE Prince (hence my previous statement). Interestingly we both have trust issues so although we sensed a connection, it took years before either one of us felt comfortable enough to show a sliver of vulnerability. We both had experienced friendships that cut us to the core and were hesitant to go down that road again, especially with the likelihood that heartbreak could always be lurking around the corner. And I don’t know about y’all but sometimes friendship breakups can be more painful and harder to grieve than romantic ones. So we treaded lightly. Over time we began to see that we were a safe space for each other. Astrologically we’re a perfect fit. I’m a Virgo and she’s a Taurus and those two signs are extremely compatible as friends. We could have continued to have a friendship that was surface but life was beginning to press upon us individually. Moments would emerge when we would have to openly communicate to the other person what we were going through that went much deeper than the typical, “Hey girl, what you got going on? Nothing much“ chatter. 

Soon we had collected enough emotional density that neither one of us could carry the weight by ourselves. We needed help. We needed each other. I want to say miraculously we showed up for one another. That may sound dramatic but it did feel miraculous to us. You can never be sure when you are in an extremely vulnerable state if someone is going to be able to stand with you and not waiver or let you down. We each took huge emotional risks, and luckily for us they paid off. Our bond solidified instantly. We began talking on a more frequent basis, we would visit each other and just hang out and talk for hours. Last year we passed the ultimate test. We traveled together. And I’m not talking about any kind of travel. We went out of the country!!! And as it turns our we’re even great travel friends! Talk about blessings. For all my traveling friends out there you know the struggle is real.

At the time of me writing this we’ve been friends for about ten years now, maybe a little less but who’s counting? I could have never imagined that Spirit would grant me the most beautiful blessing of not only a friend but a sister friend who understands me without me having to explain myself. And vice versa. She loves my daughters DOWN! I mean her Auntie love is unmatched. AND I love her wife who is not only an amazing cook but has many of the same hobbies as I do. So when all three of us hang out there’s never any weird vibes or side eye energy. We’re all three grown women who enjoy each other’s company. But my bestie and I are it. As time continues to move us along we’ve been talking about how we can incorporate each other into our lives as we age. Community is essential to us and we have not only talked about, but are actively making plans for us to buy some land and have homes on the property so that our families can be close to one another and support each other in times of need. Yeah we’re not just talking the talk, we’re walking in intentionality, purpose and love.

Merriam-Webster defines acceptance as: the quality or state of being accepted or acceptable. When you look up the word accept the definition reads: to receive (something offered) willingly. It’s important to note that nowhere in either definition is the word like, or agree. If you look at the third definition of the word accept you will find that it reads: to endure without protest or reaction. For many of us we believe that to accept something means that we have to like it or go along with joy or even the tiniest sliver of pleasure. I recently had a conversation with one of daughters about accepting what is present in front of us. We were both in a state of frustration around certain personal circumstances that were affecting us. I was doing my best to tell her that we have to be present and accept the reality that is staring back at us. With her arms crossed and her brow furrowed she grunted back that she would be present with the feelings that are bubbling inside of her but she would not accept what was in front of her. I told her that slowing down and allowing the moment to settle will ultimately give her the peace that she was looking for. I gave her an analogy about her and her dog. I said “If you were to chase him, what would he do?” She said “He would run away.” Then I said '“Ok, and if you stop, sit down, open your palms and breathe, what do you think he would do then?” She said “He would come to me.”

It’s an obvious analogy and one that is easy to receive in logic but when life is presenting moments of challenge mixed with the heartache of things not panning out the way that we would want to, acceptance in this simple example feels impossible. I can remember when I had to open up and accept what was in front of me. I stopped fighting the endless battle and threw my hands up. I didn’t know what else to do. I had tried everything, worked every angle but to no avail I was worse off than I was at the beginning of my calamity. So what does one do when acceptance is beckoning but we actively ignore the call? The practice of acceptance doesn’t happen over night. It can’t. True acceptance means that there is a gradual progression from fight to relax. You must hit your head a couple of times, trip over your own stumbling blocks and scrape your knees a bunch of times before you can get to the moment when you stop and say to yourself this isn’t working so I guess I’m gonna have to just let this unfold naturally. And why does it take us so long to get to that moment? Why do we have to go through all the bumps and brusies before we can be at the threshold of peace?

I believe that we have to go through the muck because it gives us that much more appreciation for the gift that acceptance brings. Forcing yourself to accept something when you are not ready to is liking driving into a brick wall at full speed. Intentionally. Of course we don’t see it as such. We force our square emotions into a round experience and wonder why we can’t move through it with ease. So much of the spiritual/mindful concepts that we coaches and teachers talk about are all joined together, commingling and intertwined like a spiderweb. We want our healing to happen one category at a time. Let me deal with this people pleasing first and then I’ll deal with the perfectionism. I’ll tackle my mentality around lack once I deal with my worthiness. But as we know life, and our emotions don’t work that way. The combination of slowing down and acceptance feels like death. And to some degree it is. We must grieve the fact that what we are trying to force is not going to happen and since we have only imagined this one particular ending, we can’t see the infinite other possibilities that could be just as, if not better, for us than what we are pinning after.

"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it."  -- Michael J. Fox actor, activist

And to make matters worse we must slow our thinking, our emotions and our actions down while we are accepting what is. We can’t busy ourselves with meaningless tasks just to get our mind off the thing, though we do it time and again and we know that it never makes us feel better. Doing busy work only makes us more tired which in turn makes us more cranky and irritable. When we’re in this state we can’t process our emotions fully. We shut them down and continue to push them further and further back into our minds hoping that if we just ignore it long enough it’ll go away. I can’t tell you how many times I thought that not saying anything long enough would eventually get me closer to what it is that I desired, only to discover that I simply hit the pause button for when I had enough time and space to face the reality that this thing hadn’t changed. All I was doing was ignoring it. And this is where I received the greatest peace after the revelation that acceptance does not mean that we have to be joyful about what we are accepting.

I can’t speak for you but I know that I have been trained to be nice and be kind in a way that is self-sacrificing and a detrimental to myself. I’m gonna take a biblical turn for a moment so for all of you spiritual folks, hold on and stay with me. Christians uphold Jesus as the model man who loved everyone, even right up to his death. But when we look closer at biblical text around Jesus and what he was teaching we see that Jesus was loving, yes, but he also had boundaries. Jesus also did not show us that love and obedient acceptance is what we need to have. There were even examples where Jesus accepted a situation for what it was and kept it moving. He shared some of this with his disciples right before he sent them out two by two to spread the gospel saying: “But whenever you enter a town and they do not receive you, go into its streets and and say ‘Even the dust of your town that clings to our feet we wipe off against you…” (Luke 10:10-11 ESV) We can read the word against and take it as Jesus and disciples “cursing” them. Sort of like saying “Well fine, you don’t want this good word that can help you save your life, then curse”. I’m not gonna get into the ways that the bible takes things and repurposes them to make us more docile and able to control. But What I think that this passage is really saying is that if you go any place where you do not feel welcome and the message is not received…leave.

Love.

It’s the one thing I’ve pinned after for so long but also vehemently avoided. I had experienced a love that had lasting potential. A love that awoke within me the idea that fairytales are possible. To give you a little back story the love from which all relationships in my life were measured by was from my former boyfriend, the father of my oldest daughter. We were young. 18, 19 years old when we transitioned from enemies, to friends, to a romantic couple through a stretch of five years. Though the couple aspect of our dynamic lasted only for a couple of months. I was never one of those people who imagined their wedding day. I loved love however. I was what the kids call a lover girl back in the day. I yearned for love in the most fervent ways. I had no type, no idealized vision of what I wanted my person to look like or be. And considering that I started to become attracted to girls in high school, I was open to whatever felt resonant to me. So when V came into my life and wooed me in all the cheesy, romcom ways that I never thought was real, I changed my tune on love and became a devout follower of its credences. But as quickly as we had made the transition from friend to more than friend, he was gone. A car accident took his life and in an instant I was loveless and two weeks pregnant. I believed that this was God’s way of telling me that I didn’t deserve love. That any chance of receiving that wonderful love would be taken from me in a heartbeat. I’ll save you all the details of my journey down the boulevard of broken relationships for the next twenty years but at 42 with two kids and two marriages that ended in heartache I decided to turn my focus inward. 

Any time I had a lull in between relationships I rarely took the time to reflect on how I had gotten into the situation I was in. I did, however, spend a substantial amount of time bashing my exes to my friends who had finally felt free enough to tell me how they REALLY felt about my relationships. After my second marriage was clearly heading down a road of destruction I declared that I wasn’t looking for a new person, I was looking for me. Two decades of rocky relationships and mommy duty left me unable to recognize who I was outside of the roles that I was performing. I thought I had imbued myself into each relationship, making sure to keep the authentic me in tact (and I was to a degree) but when I became a mom at 19 I was no longer afforded the luxury of putting me first. Don’t get me wrong. Having my daughter was the best decision that I have ever made in my entire life. But I was giving up the opportunity to fall, fail and make tons of mistakes to sift through the rubble and find the gem that is me. My little girl was my priority. I still made attempts at love (obviously) but with the looming heartache and fear of actual death of my partner I remained closed off. You can’t build a relationship that way. You can’t build a life that way. But I tried. And I did make mistakes, over and over again. I had given up on the fairytale when twelve years into my second marriage my partner informed me that they were now polyamorous and wanted to explore that dynamic. Honestly I think that was just a way for them to cover what was already going on behind the scenes. I threw my hands up. Fine. I said to Spirit and my former partner. I wasn’t fine but what else was I going to do? 

I often joked that if the last relationship didn’t work that I was going to buy a house in the woods and become a recluse. It was a dream of mine. A tiny cottage nestled amongst the trees (preferably redwoods) with just me and my cat. I was actually looking forward to it. But as I know, Spirit always has other plans for me. And maybe this time my own heart had other plans. I wasn’t looking. I didn’t find him, he found me. It was almost like he was waiting in the wings, just off stage timing his entrance just right. Then the moment when Spirit could see that I was about to erect those impenetrable walls, the universe pulled back the curtain and he walked out. I rejected him at first. There was a multitude of reasons for that but I noticed something during our very first conversation. I felt safe around him. As corny as it sounds to say that I exhaled I did. This was odd because safety was something that I hadn’t felt in along time. So long that my nervous system and my mind were at odds with one another. It’s ok, we can relax with him my body said while my mind was screaming Are you kidding! We never met this guy before! We need to do a series of tests and checks before we can even engage with him. Don’t be ridiculous! This battled waged for months and has only recently subsided. Learning ro love after deep wounds of heartache has showed me how resilient love is and that as much as I may try to say that I am fine living life solo dolo, the truth is that connection and relationship are valuable.

I’ve blamed myself for the death of my biological mother for years. I don’t anymore (or so I believe). I carried the self-imposed guilt for years though I had nothing to do with her death. Even she didn’t have anything to do with it. But my seven-year-old mind had to make sense of why she was gone… forever. Seven is the age when you still view the world from a selfish lens. It’s not bad it’s just biology. If things happen that are out of our control we blame ourselves because our young minds can’t wrap itself around the fact that the bigger humans have the capability of making their own decisions and choices. We are the center of our worlds which means that we believe that everything starts and ends with us. This is why childhood trauma can be so difficult to untether ourselves from because the trauma is happening at a time when we have little to no sense of identity. The bigger humans are meant to cater to us and when that doesn’t happen we believe that is it a failing on our part.

I’ve been working for years to rewrite the narrative that has shaped my entire existence up until this point. But no matter how many positive words, affirmations or creative visions boards I created I kept returning to this false story. Naturally from this (and the events surrounding her death) was born people pleasing, perfectionism and placing my power in someone else’s hands. I didn’t know I was doing these things of course. I simply lived my life with a pressurized need to have people like me. Recently some of the most important relationships in my life have been turned on their side with my role in those relationships changing over night. I had no control over how others viewed me and it sent me into a tailspin.  

If I’m not perfect then bad things can happen. Questions of worthiness and value began to plague me as I descended into the shadows of my inner world. It was hard for me to separate the need for acceptance with the need for validation. Little did I know that my perfectionism came with a side of not being able to slow down. As someone who has been practicing meditation for years I was under the impression that I was slowing down. But the truth of the matter was that I was only giving myself enough space to freeze. To stop the clock only to have it resume right where I left off when life started back up again. I lived on an endless loop of being sad then pressing on. I never integrated my experiences, my feelings, my grief. I simply pushed forward. It’s what I had been trained to do.

Ancestral patterns passed down through the generations made it easy for me to do what the women in my family had done time and time again. Not only did I need to look at my own lived experiences and take them into account when it came to perfectionism and slowing down but I also needed to recognize the expectations of external narratives. I’m a black queer person. I present as femme though I identify as non-binary. Looking at me I have certain privileges that afford the ability to move through the world with slightly less push back from society. I don’t come across as queer. I’m light-skinned. I’m non-threatening in my presentation and overall presence. I’m agreeable to a fault. There’s no doubt in my mind that the respectability that I perform is a function of safety that many if not all of the women in my family used. As long as I wasn’t like “those” black people I was safe. “Those” qualities were never verbally expressed but were telepathically understood. 

By the time I reached adulthood and became a parent I was swimming in an ocean of perfectionistic, people pleasing skills. Succumbing to the exhaustion of treading water to stay afloat I was beginning to drown. Nothing I did could allow me to come up for air. So slowing down looked like death. If I stop treading water I will sink down to the watery grave of the ancestors that never made it to dry land. Maybe their deaths were intentional. Maybe they could see the writing on the wall unlike me who was still in the middle of the ocean waiting for a ship to save me from myself. Over the last couple of months I’ve been doing rituals around cord cutting. Cutting myself off from ideas, beliefs and stories that only keep me in the exhaustive struggle. I won’t be able to keep this performance up for long. And who would emerge from the disembodied corpse that I would leave behind? Who was the “me” inside this shell of flesh, bone and blood? 

After one particularly meaningful ritual I began to feel the old me slipping away. Though she fought tooth and nail to remain in tact, to remain connected to this corporeal body I knew that “we” had to surface. No more living at either end of the human spectrum and having others determine who I am. I knew integration of the all was the only way to live. But that’s easier said than done. Especially when the ocean that I am swimming in is that of white supremacy, patriarchy and puritanical ideology. Though my outward expression showed myself to be excelling as a black woman I was failing as a child of the most high. And failure is a construct of the human. In truth I was not failing, I was rising. I was, and still am, remembering who I am not who I constructed myself to be in order to fit a model of acceptance and love of human standards.

This work is hard. Being a human is hard. Not because of the practical skills which are laughably simplistic in their design and execution. But because we are constantly inundated with energies that seek to pull us away from remembering. To remember is to  recollect. To recollect is to return. And there is nothing that this world wants more than for us, for me, to never return to that knowing. Knowing is dangerous because it’s resistance. It flies in the face of erasure which this world seeks to do each and every moment that we breathe. Be perfect, hurry up, forget and melt into asimilation. I’m not completely out of the woods from my perfectionistic, people pleasing historical patterns but I have been able to shed some of the lies that I have told myself about myself.

Can we have an honest conversation about loving while healing? Ok, let’s go.

I am very fortunate to be in a relationship now where I get to experience love in ways that I never hav before. I honestly thought that a love that fills you up, where you see your person and smile each and every time, where you are excited to see them and can’t wait to be with them. The kind of love where you can daydream and think about your person at random times and you find yourself smiling. But above all of these flowery feelings the key component in this love is safety. The moment that I first met my fiancee I immediately felt safe around him. And this was something new to me.

Some years ago I was in a therapy session working out some childhood trauma. I was married but to someone else at that time. During one of my sessions I began to recognize that in addition to (and almost more important than) love, I also needed to feel safe. I had never even considered that before and here I was a full grown person deep into my thirties and having this epiphany. After a couple of sessions where I had uncovered some real serious trauma wounds and and felt proud of the work that I had done, I shared my revelations with my former spouse. I’m not sure what my sharing triggered within them but they actually got upset, like angry. Not so much of what I shared. Not even because I had come at them with some “this is all your fault” type stuff, because to be clear I did not have that energy.

I was super excited to tell them what I had learned and what was beginning to be healed and when I shared and their immediate response was anger I was like hmmmm, not the reaction or response I was hoping for. They later apologized but if you had noticed I mentioned that there were a couple of sessions that this was the reaction. After the first time I chalked it up to the possibility that maybe they were having a bad day or I caught them at a bad time. My ex is prone to move to anger easily, it’s their resting emotion. I decided to try again and share when a new revelation was uncovered. When I got a similar reaction the second time I said “you know what I think it’s best that I don’t share anything else moving forward”. They apologized again but I quickly realized that this relationship was not safe for me.

But what was I to do? I was married with no intention of leaving at the time. I wanted to stick it out and keep trying. But as time passed the safety meter was getting lower and lower. I won’t bore you with the details of my prayers, petitions and offerings to Spirit for help and guidance. Let’s just say that Spirit was not playing about me. So when my fiancee came into the picture and I immediately felt that safety in my body I felt a wave a relief because I was finally able to feel safe around someone. As someone who is very hyper vigilant and extremely guarded, to feel this was a bit scary. What do I do with this? How can I be sure that I can trust him?My previous relationship had severely damaged my self-trust and made me constantly question and doubt myself as a result of their gaslighting. I wasn’t sure that I could trust what my body was telling me. *And let me be clear that when I’m referencing my body I’m not talking about anything sexual. I’m referring to how my nervous system felt.

We’ve been together for about two years now and I must say that this has been quite a challenging ride. When you come out of a relationship where you were labeled as the problem and the cause of all the issues in your relationship, you would question yourself when a new person came into your world. I had (and still have) some deprogramming to do. All of the things that I believe are my strengths (vulnerability, communication, my expression of love, my compassion and patience) had all been weaponized against me. When I love I love hard and I was unsure that I could get to those depths of love again.

But at each turn my fiancee was patient. I never felt rushed in anyway to hurry up and heal. And let me tell you that there were many times when I just knew that he was gonna throw in the towel. I still interact with my ex because we have children together which made my healing that much more complex. At times I would be back and forth with safety and anxiety so much that for months I was exhausted. And yet again, my fiancee was always there, standing like a strong pillar. He would do some of the sweetest things for me like draw me a bath or have my bath prepared for me when I would go over to his place after work. He cooks for me, he rubs my feet and my head when I’ve had a long day. He checks in with me often asking if there is anything that he can do, or not do, that would be beneficial for me. He creates a space of peace whenever we’re together.

The hardest thing about opening myself up to love again is not allowing my mind to slip into those dark places. For a while I found myself scoping out as many red flags as I could find. Anything that he said or did that came remotely close to my ex was inspected with a fine tooth comb. I refused to get my heart broken again so I became a deep cover investigator. I didn’t blow up, get upset or ask a bunch of questions. I just slowly retreated into myself and tried to create as much space between us as possible. But he wouldn’t allow me to do that. Like I said he wasn’t pushy or overbearing, he wanted to communicate. He wanted ME to communicate. He didn’t get upset, frustrated or angry when I needed reassurance for the fifth time by 10am. He had an understanding of what I had gone through and was willing to be with me.

The first time I learned the lesson of setting boundaries for my own personal health and wellbeing I was somewhere in my thirties. This was a doozy of a lesson because it was with a family member and an older family member at that. I’m black and if you’re black and was raised in a black household then you know the struggle of what I just stated. To enact a boundary and stick to it even in the midst of being painted as disrespectful and even spoiled by this family member felt extremely challenging. I could feel myself wanting to cave. My people pleasing was still in full affect at the time so it would have been very easy for me to slip into old habits. Especially when I was still seen as a “child” though at that point I was grown, married and with two kids.

I remember making the decision to no longer engage with this family member and telling my mom about it. It was like this huge epiphany that had blossomed from my body. Sort of like when you see those light bulbs going off on top of people’s heads in cartoons. The realization that family are just people who have blood ties was a window that let me know I can create safety for myself and I don’t have to compromise just because someone is “family”. Fortunately my mother understood when I told her that I needed space from this person.

But that moment sticks out in my head a lot these days. Before I had made the decision to cut ties I pulled out all the stops. I wanted to make sure that I had made the effort of trying to work on the relationship before letting it go. Keep in mind that I had no intention of cutting ties. I had no intention of working on the relationship either until it was brought to my attention that this person was saying that they had no relationship with me because of my lack of effort. I grumbled, said some choice words to myself and was about to put a kibosh on the relationship as a whole when I felt a tug from Spirit. Make an effort. Just try. So I did.

I initiated conversations, called them rather than waiting for them to call me. I did visitations, sat with them and did my best to create banter or at the very least small talk. But each attempt was met with a stone wall. It was worse than pulling teeth, or trying to draw blood from a stone. I have nothing to compare the level of difficulty but let’s just say that it was hard. One day, after a very lack luster phone call, I hung up and sat for a moment and said to myself why am I still doing this? When I knew the answer was because they’re family I decided to reasses.

I’m someone who has learned how to take accountability and make amends when I can. Sometimes my efforts are not received and sometimes I have wanted to be accountable and make amends only to find that Spirit has blocked me for good reason. I have no problem saying that I made a mistake, or apologizing for a wrong that I have caused. I have no problem doing the hard work that is required when it comes to cultivating healthy relationships. But this was the first time that I said to myself why am I doing the heavy lifting while they simply get to receive without any give? It was a difficult decision to make but after a short period of deliberation with Spirit I made the call that in order to keep my emotional health and wellbeing in tact, I needed to remove myself. There was no love lost. In fact I still love this family member. I simply decided that unless I was going to see them meet me halfway, I was no longer going to be the one to do all the work.

It’s been years since that revelation and I haven’t spoken with that family member since. Initially I felt awkward. Thank goodness they do not attend family functions, though they did come to a couple of gatherings for my mom and I was loving, open and receptive as they stood there like a stone pillar unsure of what to do and how to respond. That pivotal decision opened me up to the fact that if I can create boundaries for this family member then I can do it with anyone. Being the person who does all the emotional labor is not easy and I can guarantee that for those people who do end up handling most of the labor, there is usually someone on the other end who thinks that THEY are doing all the labor.

I’ve learned that it is not my job to manage other people’s responses to my own boundaries. In fact if they start to have a problem with me creating them then I know that they benefited from me not having any to begin with. One of the most loving things that I have done for myself is to create a sphere of protection. To know where my edges lay and keep myself safe within those borders. My boundaries are not rigid, they can be porous when I so choose. The important thing is that I get to determine who can be within my sphere and who cannot. As challenging as this practice has been (especially when it comes to family) I have felt the benefits. I’ve begun to feel more love and spacious for myself. I am better in tune with my body and know when it’s communicating safety and overexertion.

So much healing work requires the act of letting go. Letting go of habits, thoughts, ideas, beliefs. Whatever is no longer serving us needs to be released. But here’s the thing. I had a hard time letting go of things. On the surface it was easy for me to tell myself that I was ready to let go of something when deep down I was holding on for a multitude of reasons. Much of why I was holding on to stuff was because it had become part of my identity. In a previous post I brought up a statement that I made to myself "Who am I without my trauma and my stories?” I remember when the words of that question escaped my mouth I damn near did everything in my power to shove them back in. I was exposed in those words. I had said them to a real person, in fact two real people. One person was my therapist who came back with the question. Who do you want to be?

Along this life I have learned a lot about what I do not like. I could craft a whole world around those things. But ask me what I wanted, desired or aspired for and I got choked up. It was a similar vibe to the whole superstition of not telling folks when you applied for a job and feel really good about it, you keep your mouth shut to not jinx it. I held myself back from saying what I truly desired out of fear that the luck would get sucked out and those desires would never come to fruition. In the past couple of days I’ve been taking a deeper look at the art of letting go. And in this reflection I realized that me keeping my mouth shut was less about not wanting to jinx the good stuff from coming into my life but rather because I was still holding on to the old stuff.

In the beginning of 2023 I moved into my own apartment by myself. I had never lived on my own before. I was a mother for the first time at 19 so I had no time to be a young person out in the world figuring things out. At 42 I was truly living on my own. This independence gave me time to learn my own rhythm. Minus my work schedule I started to learn when I like to get up what I like to do first thing in the morning for myself. When do I like to take showers? At night? Or in the morning? What do I like to cook? What do I even like to eat? How would I decorate my own space? I never asked myself these questions directly but I moved through them by simply living. The more I got to know my own rhythm the more that I began to learn more about what I like, what lights me up and brings joy into my life.

Once my rhythm had been established I dove head first into healing. In a short period of time I had gotten comfortable in my agency, autonomy, independence and sovereignty. I was waking up to myself and as a result I wanted to move at light speed towards the things that felt good and repaired my nervous system. I had been living in a space of unhappiness for some time and once I had gotten out of that dark place I yearned for light. But as I tell everyone, you cannot rush healing. In fact not only is it dangerous but it’s kinda hard to do. REAL healing is a slow process, it takes time. I was done being in limbo and wanted to get to the other side of awkward. You know that phase of your life when you’re in limbo. You’re not back there but you’re also not over there, you’re in the in-between.

The in-between is where I must slow down, as hard as that is. This slower pace has revealed something to me that I think is revolutionary. I must let go of the old to make space for the new. And the new is bigger and better than what I’m holding on to. I’ve learned that letting go cannot be forced, and believe me I tried to force it. Letting go is slow and deliberate. It’s intentional, it’s compassionate. Letting go is grieving. I can’t take all the old idea and habits with me into the new. And honestly that is a concept that I hadn’t even considered until recently. I thought I had let go. I thought I had released old stuff, but as it turns out I was only covering it up. So how do you know when it’s time to let go? You’ll know when you feel stuck. When you feel that everything is to tender to hold in conversation and you’ll either cry or get angry at the slightest breath.

I want to talk about ancestor veneration. It’s a topic that seems to be popular right now for a multitude of reasons. I think one reason is due to the recent popularity of the movie Sinners. Hoodoo and other naturalized religions have become increasingly popular over the years. Yoruba started to make a larger appearance after Beyonce started braking fire hydrants in a golden yellow dress with water flowing down some steps, suggesting her affiliation with the deity Oshun. As someone who has been in these spiritual streets for many years now I love to see other forms of spirituality taking their place in the sun. I believe that it’s important for folks to see that there are other ways for you to connect with the divine. It doesn’t have to be rigid or have some formal construction to it. In fact the most potent spiritual energy comes from connecting with nature and the divine in a very natural and organic way.

I recently posted a video on TikTok talking about people becoming more and more interested in these spiritual practices and giving a cautionary tale about doing your ancestral research and finding a good teacher before you dive into these practices. I’ve been doing this work for a long time and I’ve explored many different spiritual practices along the way. Just like my mother I have no name for what it is I do. I learned early on that keep ing the lines of communication open with Spirit is the main and only goal of any spiritual work. I have a feeling that many of the women in my family followed this same path. Though they were attending church and some were even first ladies, I have a sense that their relationship with God was a personal one, one that had more potency outside of the walls of the church sanctuary.

My mother was the one to break the mold when it came to diving into something new and more expansive than the traditional church model that my grandmother had been raise with. As a PK, I’m sure my grandmother had continued exposure to church which I believe is the main reason why she did not attend church as an adult. My mother even told me about one of my great aunts saying that she believed that when we die, nothing happens. Our lives simply end. This was as she was approaching her mortality after her husband, my great uncle, who had been the love of her life for many years passed just a year earlier. And as my mother said “and she was a PK”. For her to not have any belief in an after life and say that it’s all darkness and no heaven was a bit of s shock to me.

I bring this up because as we all become more curious about other forms of spiritual work and feel puled to dive into practices that we think our ancestors were doing, it’s important to understand that each and every ancestor in our history had some complicated relationship with Spirit. There’s so much talk about breaking generational curses but we may not know or understand the curses to begin with. That’s not to say that we must leave out ancestors who could be trapped in some horrible loop of pain should remain there, especially if we can help them in any way. I know firsthand the power of interceding for those that have already passed over and how powerful it is to be able to release them from a pattern that was forced on them. And I also know how intense that work is.

I spent years connecting with my great, great grandmother before I broke who I believe to be was a bind placed on her. Even my mother could feel a shift in our maternal ancestors energy when she would meditate on her. If you are new to ancestor veneration and want to explore it I say take your time. Move with intention and at a slow pace. We do not know the hull stories of our ancestors and any time you begin work in a realm that you are unfamiliar with there is always the propensity of being exposed to energy that you do not know how to work with. Research as much as you can. Meditate, meditate, meditate. I cannot stress that enough. Deepen in your relationship with the divine before trying out some jar spells or conjuring up folks from your ancestral line.