Friends?
How am I suppose to be friends with him?
How am I suppose to just sit back and knowing he’s single and anyone could have him?
Will I ever be enough?
Am I worthy of love?
Why am I like this?
Why must I screw things up every time somethings going right?
He he is the one and I fucked it up like always. Fucking Toby doing as he does pushing people away but this time oh this time I really did it. How pathetic I am.
It’s due to some mental issues I know and some days are harder than others to hold on and for a bit there brax and kel really got to have their fun with there not so little brothers Tobius and lane. Lucky kolt was okay pour little one doesn’t understand only wants to be loved and adored as he does. I really wish I could just end brax and kel they are killing me constantly telling me how worthless I am and how unlovable I truly am. Filling my head with lies and making me believe such a man as him would do such vile things. Making me think all I was was a quick fuck n fill for his pleasure. Blinded me and in return causing me to push him away because toby doesn’t have a fucking pair to stand up and not allow it.
When did that happen? How did that happen?
Because the toby I remember wouldn’t have allowed them to dance around like that. They were caged and I’m afraid my downfall with D is the cause of that. He really broke me in ways I’ve never been broken and sadly that was the result of his death.
But with everything and slowly losing my memories I still can remember the times he raped me and hit me and dragged me up the stairs threw me on the bed body slammed me on the bed. All the things he said to me and then I was the one he drunk dialed and you know I went and I knew better. But he had me. Same as the man I love today. Where he hasn’t done the vile things D did. I still can’t seem to find the right things to do or say with him because they have screamed and in a way bullied me to believe these vile things. And it’s truly killing me because I see into his eyes and my heart trusts him but my head is so fucked I can hardly stop to figure out what I’m to say when he’s in front of me. The wrong words and I’m back to feeling like I’m bothering him.
So how do you find the right words when everything is chaotic inside your head and all you want to do is give up?
