Obviously I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, that’s the point of this solo trip lol. But my thoughts are all running in circles. I’m thinking a million things a minute and I’m left with more question, confusion, and uncertainty then before.
Can I be honest with you strangers that don’t know me? I really don’t like him. I really don’t. That’s not fair to him, right? I know that. But he’s infatuated with me and has the means to provide a life I have never even dreamed of. I can literally hear my ex best friend giggling, kicking her feet at the opportunity. He’s a nice guy and that pains me a bit. Our first date I was upfront that I want out of the US. If he could help with that, can I not return the favor and make him happy?
Less than 4 months ago I thought I knew what the rest of my life would look like. Jose and I together, building a future, living a quiet life. I loved that man for 7 years… but he is already starting to feel like a distant memory, a different life. Part of me still can’t forgive him for making me believe that a girl like me could find someone who loves me. So stupid. Who does that? I never imagined a future with someone before. He sold me on that dream and then dipped once I believed it. How then do I go back to the truth? That I am meant to be alone.
Dating again is fun but what am I getting out of it? None of these guys know me, not really. Sex with strangers isn’t a high I chase anymore so many of my talking stages I can see fizzle out once they realize I’m serious about waiting. Plus does any of it matter if I don’t even see myself in the US long term? And even when I do move, WHAT is the point of a relationship again?
But so what do I do with all this love and kindness that I feel in my heart and chest? I’ve tried pouring it elsewhere, in family and in friends however that can become toxic quick. This whole year has just had my head spinning. I don’t know up from down anymore. Nothing makes sense. Here’s what I do know:
1. I should not be alive right now. Every day I wake up is a defiance.
2. Everything about me is intense. I feel intensely, I love intensely, I hurt intensely
3. If I am lucky to grow old, I can’t live in the US. I have to find a way to get citizenship elsewhere.
4. I have to listen to others when they tell me I’m too much. Stop trying to convince them.
5. Not every thought needs to be said aloud.
areudirty
gracieabrams
gummygunk
ellievsbear
stormborns
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