Unknown Entity

I don't know what to think, except that youth will remain in me if I continue to live. The days I've missed may never come back, but I can still do so much with what I have.

I am afraid I will succumb to the myth of youth, that achieving nothing after I become an adult means that I will never reach anywhere beyond average. I am terrified of adulthood, of life, of death, and it is precisely so that I refuse to give in to the lie. My youth is not over, and I will continue on and live, freely and fully.

I want to die.

Not really.

It hurts.

I mean my period. Though my head also hurts.

So I've been thinking of dying again more recently.

It's not to the point where I want to stop breathing, but the thought of stopping breathing for a few seconds feels calming to me.

I was tempted to hold a kitchen knife to my wrists. I don't think I'll do anything like that because I'm scared that if I hold it close I'll actually do it.

So. I'm alive. And all well. Except for the fact I'm so much more bitter recently. It's like I can't handle feeling like shit while others have fun. That's so shitty of me. I'm quite convinced my friends are fed up with except I know they're not because that's just my brain over thinking.

So I've been thinking about studying media studies lately. And I don't think it's going to work out. The dilemma I'm having right now is study a degree I would probably le enjoy (media studies), but I hate the job obtions. Or study a degree I'm somewhat interested in (comp. Sci / data science) and keep working a decent job I wouldn't hate. I just don't really think it'll work out.

It’s been sometime since I’ve genuinely felt like I needed to die. It feels nice. Not much to say about that.