Untitled

Rape does not come in different forms,

It doesn’t come in news papers nor “instagram news”

It comes distinguished as trauma.

It comes as it is, brutal, unforgiving and yearning.

By the definition, “Objects or parts of the body (like a finger) being put into someone’s vagina or anus when that person didn’t want it to happen”

I was raped. Now, I am not someone who has the ability nor the degree to differentiate whether it was rape or not but one thing I can say is, that it haunts.

It haunts me till now and it will keep on doing so.

I yearn the person I used to be and will keep on doing so.

I don’t seem to contain any memories of being 17 rather than that. He was 15 or more years older than me and I was stupidly drunk. Wasted. Out of my fucking consciousness but maybe I deserved it, right?

Does not matter. Whether I did or not. It was forceful.

I lost my virginity a day ago. Yay. I had wanted to for a while then, and he was a good friend of mine whom I had known for long. We met and drank alcohol. Mutually decided that we both wanted to do it. Was not at all very romantic, though, not much after care, either. We just smoked after and both had to go home since it was becoming late. And once I got home, it suddenly hit me that all I am grateful about, regardless of a very bad experience, that I consented to it. It was mutually decided.

It took me a day to process that this had no linkage between my abuse. Not at all.

He killed for vengeance and died for love.

His grief was so astonishingly immense that even the gods feared it.

His sorrow made him drag Hector’s deceased body around the walls of Troy while his longing made Patroclus appear to him in fragments of dust particles.