You shove the thick books and parchment into your bag, standing up without acknowledging your surroundings. You took a sharp turn around the corner of the herbology aisle accidentally bumping into a tall figure. Cedric Diggory, the golden boy of your year, his humble and talented nature instantly drew you in your first year at Hogwarts. Soon after becoming friends you decided to suppress your feelings, only admiring from afar. Though he always found a way to get under your skin, being effortlessly perfect and all, he managed to attract unsolicited attention from several girls, which used to make you jealous.

“I am so sorry-” you said within a heartbeat, his hand still resting on your shoulder stabilizing you from the impact. Your eyes veered towards his hand, which he then quickly retracted after your sudden notice of the contact. 

“M’sorry y/n I just heard noise coming from around the corner and thought a few first years were trying to sneak off.” 

You took a slight step back opening the distance between you and Ced, “Right prefect duty..I uhm- was just about to head back to the common room.” 

You were nearing the doors of the library till Cedric called out to you, “Y/n, I could uh- walk you back to the y/h common room.” A friendly smile tugged at his lips. You roll your eyes at another one of his friendly gestures, “I don’t need a personal escort Ced I can manage..thanks though.” you say, giving him a sickly smile.

 “Oh c’mon we never get to hang out, and besides, I wouldn't want you getting caught by another prefect.” He quickened his pace matching yours and suddenly he was walking side by side with you, your shoulders occasionally brushing each other.

The stroll was quickly filled with silence, with Cedric being occupied with quidditch along with prefect duties the two of you hardly had time to catch up with one another, and breaking contact didn’t help your flustered state, but nonetheless Cedric being so understanding he never took notice of your behavior, or at least thats what you thought.

The unexpected rush of events of you waking up and bumping into Cedric made your mind feel scattered, finally adjusting to the time, the moment starts feeling more real. Cedric breaks the silence, of course he does. “I haven’t seen you around much lately..what’s new?”

“Hm..you know the usual, homework..attempting to squeeze in a social life, of course beating you as first in class.” 

“Ah there it is,” his smile grew. 

“What is?,” you look up at him expecting to figure out the answer through his facial expressions.

“Your competitive nature, always admired that about you,” he says coolly.

Admired. This phrase sits in your head for a minute, realizing you haven’t responded. “I am not!” You say a little too sharply.

“You so are! Remember when you ignored me for two days because you accused me of cheating in wizards chess.” Remember when was always your favorite phrase when talking to Cedric.

“I swear you hexed that board.. I still stand by that,” you exclaimed, “and besides we were 12, I was simply peeved.”

“Hm.. seems like you have been for a while,” he says as if he’s been pondering our distance, a subtle hurt in his voice.

The air feels thicker and the silence feels louder. “I’m not ignoring you Ced, you know how busy we’ve been, it's not your fault.” You partially lied, yes both of you have been busy, but the stolen moments between the two of you have been non-existent as you ignored these chances in fear of getting distracted. You feel a little pit of guilt form in your stomach.

“Yeah, you’re right,” he wasn’t affirming in his usual tone, instead agreeing just to flow with the conversation and an attempt to hide the fact he knew the reason as to why the both of you have drifted.

A few thuds and murmurs of footsteps echoed in the distance, your head turns sharply and your body becomes stiffer at the sound. You subconsciously drew yourself closer to Cedric, he took notice of your sudden shift in behavior. It was like second nature to him, always on the lookout for when you become uncomfortable. “Don’t worry about it..I’m sure it's just Filch hoping to catch some third years in the act.”

You slightly purse your lips, looking straight ahead. The distance between the two of you never strayed, even as you reached the common room. You whisper the password, and the doors feel as though they are opening painfully slower. Before entering you glance back at Cedric who was approaching just behind you, “Thanks for walking with me,” and you genuinely meant it. 

His face softens, “Of course..we’ll talk tomorrow, okay?” He says as if it was a promise, more like a desire to not lose the warmheartedness woven into your friendship. You nod, unable to say no, yet you didn’t feel the need to, or even want to. Expecting this was the last interaction with Cedric for tonight, he placed his hand on the curve of your back. The tips of his fingers ever so slightly making contact with the ends of your hair, guiding you through the entrance. The warmth of his hand piercing through the fabric of your uniform, traveling straight to your face. Seeing that you were past the entrance his arm dropped to his side, coolly and intentionally, as if he didn’t regret a thing. 

You couldn’t sleep, not after finally breaking contact with your best friend. You couldn’t shake off the fact that he took deep notice in your parting, even if it had been months, hell years. How you’ve been slowly distancing yourself ever since he became quidditch captain, when he started taking his prefect duties seriously, and his popularity growing each year. It wasn’t your crowd, you’ve always thought, he pleases and you watch him and his group of friends enjoying themselves. How you yearn to be able to “fit in,” but this didn’t stop you from being satisfied with keeping your peace. 

Season 1 East Blue Arc

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10

Loguetown Arc

Wanted

Synopsis: After the defeat of Arlong, at Arlong Park, the five of you promised to yourselves, and each other, to achieve your dreams on your way to the Grand Line helping Luffy search for the One Piece. It seems simple enough, except for the minor detail that you died. Coming back from the brink of death, Zoro and the others have noticed you haven’t been the same. You aren’t sure if it’s Death himself chasing after you or something far more sinister. But facing your inner demons won’t be the only fight you’ll have to worry about when family comes calling. 

Part 1

You can’t sleep.

You're not sure you'll find sleep ever again.

“I knew it, I knew it—“ Cherry had bounced the whole way to your dormitory, howling into your ear. “I knew it!”

The image of Oliver’s fluttering eyes swum around your brain as you blinked into the darkness of the poster bed. The taste of his tongue and his words still right against your lips.

It was a riddle of a calibre that you can’t seem to detangle. More than anything, you try to remember how strong has he tasted of Firewhisky - was he so drunk to really dismiss it to nothing at all?

You lingered on it all weekend.

Cherry didn’t help at all — he’s been in love with you forever, that’s literally so obvious — and Enzo even less so once he’d been filled in: Oliver doesn’t seem a bloke who let’s alcohol make his decisions for him, something about Scottish genetics I think.

The interaction plagued you: digging a wide hole in the base of your stomach. You mourned the thought that you may never have the opportunity to kiss those soft lips again, more than anything: preparing yourself for the feud between yourselves to worsen.

There’s barely enough time to make sense of your situation before you’re racing down over the grassy hills of the grounds, bag swinging violently over your shoulder and extraordinarily late for your Herbology lesson in the greenhouse.

Your morning alarm had rung right into one ear and out the other, a product of the tossing and turning you’d been doing for the last two nights.

When you swing the greenhouse door open, panting and face flush from the beating sun, the whole room turns to you. Sprout pauses where her hands are flailing in explanation.

“Sorry I’m late professor,” you wheeze, readjusting your strap over your shoulder.

Cherry is smirking at you from her bench, sidled up with Jane Emmet.

It hadn’t escaped you that you’d be sharing the lesson with the Gryffindors, but you’d precious little time to worry about it in the five minutes you had to pull a robe over your head and stick a toothbrush into your mouth.

Your eyes are purposeful in not looking over the room. Scared to catch the wrong eyes.

“Not a problem peach, we’re just repotting some Fire-Seed Bushes.” She brings a stubby hand to her chin, “uhm … well, Mr Kumar there in the corner doesn’t have a partner. Go join him by his pots.”

Archie has a lopsided smile on his face when you approach, a thick black curl drooping over his left eye.

“Hey.” He nudges gently.

You set your bag down and grab a pair of gloves, chuckling. “Hey Archie.”

The soil is warm when you stick your fingers into the dirt, shifting it gently enough not to mess over the edge of the bucket. There’s a Fire-Seed Bush sitting tentatively at the end of the bench, spitting sparks and emitting smoke.

“So …” Archie speaks first, the back of his hand bumping yours between the black soil. “How was your weekend?”

It’s a veiled question, a poorly veiled one at that. The question draws a laugh from the base of your stomach.

You shrug, adamant on missing the point. “It was alright, I guess. How about yours?”

He shrugs right back. “Wasn’t the greatest. Penelope Clearwater rejected me for Percy Weasley.”

You don't mean to, you really don't, but it draws another bout of laughter out of you - you clap your hand over your mouth. “I’m sorry—“

“No, I get it. Percy bloody Weasley?” His brow is creased, dirt-stained hands rising messily from the soil to swipe at a fallen piece of hair in his face. “Dead sure that bloke's own mother can't say he’s handsome. I’m better looking than him, surely?”

There’s the hanging insinuation that it was rhetorical, but you reply anyways: “you’re definitely more handsome than Percy Weasley, Archie.”

His head cocks down at you, stained paws finding his waist and pressing black fingerprints into the red jumper. “You really think so?”

“Without a doubt.”

Archie smiles, bumping your side against his. You think he might be blushing. “You’re very charming. I understand what Oliver sees in you.”

You jolt involuntarily, spilling some black soil over the edge of the pot.

Swiping at the mess lazily, you play the comment off with another crumbly chuckle: hoping it convinces him more than it does yourself. “Oliver sees in me what a bull sees in a red cape.”

Archie’s reaching timidly for the Fire-Seed Bush, lifting it off the counter and holding the dangerous botanical at arm’s length. “Not true. The boy’s half in love with you.”

This conversation is getting awfully uncomfortable awfully quickly. It picks at your curiosity nonetheless.

“He said that?”

He’s quick to shake off the question, eyes still trained on setting the roots of the bush into the gap in the soil. “Oliver doesn’t have to say anything. He spends practically every fucking mealtime mooning over at your table, and he talks about you way more than necessary—“

“That’s just because I work on his nerves. Oliver doesn’t love me, he barely tolerates me.”

The boy turns on you, confusion set in his brow. “Why is this news? Last I saw you, your tongue was halfway into his stomach.”

Zachariah Smith and his Gryffindor partner look up at that. Your face goes hot all over - Archie doesn’t seem to notice.

“We were drunk.” You say softly, eyes stuck on a loose leaf crackling against the wooden counter.

There’s a special kind of fear that's crawling into your heart where you stand. The fear of putting too much faith into the words of Archie Kumar.

That it’s an elaborate ruse. A set-up, canons of confetti and a banner screaming “you’ve been fooled!” if you were to indulge his words. The danger of allowing your mind to drift too far off into the possibilities of a world wherein Oliver Wood doesn’t hate you - at least not as much as he lets on.

Archie looks at you out the side of his eye, you can feel it, but says nothing. He hands you a miniature yellow-handled spade.

Instead you fill the space. "I heard Isla Flynn has a crush on you."

He perks: "really?"

Across the room, Oliver is bumping elbows with Poppy Davis.

"Ow!"

A loose spark has evidently landed on her exposed arm. The sparks that Oliver was supposed to be watching for, the ones that he is intent on ignoring with the constant glancing back over his shoulder to where you and his best mate are in the corner of the room fucking giggling at each other like toddlers with a box of matches.

“Oliver — can you just focus for five seconds!” Poppy isn’t impressed.

Oliver isn’t either, with the situation as a whole. The pads of his fingers are blistered from the repotting of the bush and Poppy’s careless bumps and his general indifference to the task at hand.

It eats at his brain. What are you guys talking about? Is it about him?

You laugh again and it’s loud enough that it draws his shoulders all the way taut. There’s another snap of a spark and Oliver feels where it lands at his wrist, but he doesn’t react.

“Just pass me the bloody spade.” He grumbles.

-

The lesson passes more slowly than Oliver could swim shoulder-deep through molasses.

It feels like years later when he tosses his gloves into the box with the rest, when the class shuffles to return tools and begin slinging half-open bags over their shoulders.

Oliver doesn’t think he’s ever packed up faster - Poppy is still scowling at him, he doesn’t care - before he’s knocking through yellow and red tied students to find Archie’s head of curly black hair.

“Hey!” He catches him by the wrist, tugging on it like a dog with a bone. Archie jumps, eyes winding down to find his friend. “What did she say?”

You’re far ahead, Oliver can make out the back of your head: hips bumping with Cherry’s up the hill towards the castle.

Archie grins. “She said Isla Flynn has a crush on me.”

Oliver groans, “Not about that, you prat. About— wait, really?”

"Yeah!" He hikes his bag higher on his shoulder. "Can you believe it? She's got that hot Irish accent and everything."

Oliver nods, "Yeah ... yeah. Good on you, mate."

He's trying desperately not to steal this moment from his best friend, but he's fucking itching to know what else you and Archie had been giggling about.

"Did she ... say anything else?" He presses, more gently than his character usually allows. "Like about me?"

Archie shrugs without looking down. "I asked her, but she seemed tense about the whole thing."

"Tense?"

"Yeah, she said something about a bull and a cape, and went like all quiet when I told her you like her--"

At that, Oliver's stomach leaps up into his throat. He grabs his best friend by the arm, jolting him to a short stop. Some Hufflepuff bumps into their halted figures, grumbling before shuffling around them.

"You told her what?" His eyes flare erratically.

Archie shrugs, an innocuously confused look painting his features. "Well I said Oliver's half in love with you, or something like that and she looked all confused about it--"

Oliver's grip on his friend's wrist tightened to a degree that a ring was sure to form on his dark skin. "You fucking pinhead! You told her I liked her?"

Pulling his arm violently from his grip, Archie has the nerve to look affronted. "You don't?"

The morning sun shining over Oliver's head feels like it's growing hotter by the second, there's a dribble of sweat running down his spine.

"That's -- that's not the point. Even if I do, which I'm not saying is the case, she doesn't need to know that."

"Were you two obliviated in your sleep last night?" Archie's eyebrows are pressed down against his eyes, slouching down to meet his friend's face. "I caught you two making out like the world was ending less than three days ago! Surely she has to figure that you feeling something for her, she's not stupid."

Oliver struggles between his thoughts, worse around his words. "That was ... we'd been drinking. For all I know, she only kissed me back cause she was trollied off Dragon-Barrell--"

"She said that, too."

Eyeing him, Oliver's hands find his hips. "Said what, exactly?"

"That you were drunk, I mentioned the kiss and she said we were drunk."

A sensation he can only identify as closest to guilt seeps up into Oliver's chest from his stomach. "She thinks I kissed her just cause I was drunk?"

Archie's hand finds Oliver's shoulder. "You should probably talk to her, mate."

He sighs, eyes drifting over the silhouette of the castle in the distance. He shakes his head like it'll rattle the plaguing thoughts loose. "We're gonna be late for Transfig."

-

"I mean, Archie is his best friend." Cherry is trying to rationalise the whole story. "I don't see why he'd lie about it?"

You shake your head, knocking shoulders with a Ravenclaw girl trying to pass through the corridor. "I'm not entertaining it, Cherry."

"Come on," she sighs, practically skipping to keep up with the furious pace you've set. "Would it be so terrible if he likes you?"

"Yes." You don't look at her.

The redhead's eye-roll is practically audible, "Let me rephrase, would it be so terrible if he likes you back?"

You meet her eyes for the first time since you'd entered the corridor.

She sighs, "we're gonna see him in Muggle Studies in five minutes. I think you should say something."

"Forget I said anything, Cherry." Heat flares at your neck again, prompted by the embarrassment of even imagining how such a conversation might go.

The rest of the walk is quiet, but you feel Cherry's gaze warming the side of your face.

Burbage's classroom is over-populated with Gryffindors by the time you drop your bag against the marbled floor beside your desk. In the corner of your eye, your brain has already fixated on Oliver's silhouette leaned against the edge of his own desk. You flush hot all over again, as if your thoughts were transcribing into subtitles and floating above your head for the whole class to read.

The click of Burbage's heels prompt the lingering students to find their seats, "Please take out your copies of Muggle Wars: Cause and Effect. We left off on page eighty-seven--"

You suddenly regret snapping at Cherry. Wishing for the comfort of her presence, your eyes glazing over where she's perched in the first row of desks closest to the chalkboard.

Unusually, the class trickles on without disruption. There's a few glances over at your direction, like everyone is waiting for another outburst from the grade's most volatile duo. They're sure to be let down, you're adamant to not even breathe in the direction of Wood.

Burbage comments on it, too, nearly ten minutes from the bell.

"It's suspiciously quiet in your corner today, captains." she looks down through her fingerprint-smudged frames, brushing over you and then Wood three seats away. "Something the matter?"

You shrug, refusing to acknowledge the boy. He seems to be doing the same: completely unfairly, the thought that he wouldn't look at you made the hair on your arms stand straight. "We can start up if you'd like, professor?"

Her face contorts into that irritated look that you'd grown accustomed to when Professor Burbage addresses you. "You're flirting dangerously with another session of detention, miss."

"She's just answering your question, professor."

Nobody in the class seemed more surprised than Burbage, although that in itself was a feat. The two Gryffindor boys in the row ahead of you swivel all the way around in their seats to look at Oliver, who'd just spoken.

You fight the twitching urge to look at him.

"Detention for two, it seems. I'll be seeing you both Friday afternoon."

A calm air settles again over the class, as if order had been restored. You and Wood had lost the interest of the room and students shift back to the board where WHAT IS A PRIME MINISTER? is sprawled across it in chicken-scratch handwriting.

Sighing, your eyes find the clock against the wall. Eight minutes left.

You pick at the end of your quill irritably: electing to dip it into the ink at the edge of the desk and entertain yourself quietly by drawing a miniature snowman at the corner of your page, trying not to think about another Friday afternoon in too close of a proximity to Oliver Wood. There's a soft whir, barely audible if you weren't so focused on outlining pebble eyes, and a tiny paper-airplane whizzes quietly from under your desk: landing squarely on the nose-less head of your snowman.

Fear prickles at you. You don't look up for the source, lest a suspicious sideways glance earns you another weekend with the party-animal Charity Burbage.

Instead, you carefully undo the intricately folded wings of the plane. It's barely big enough to fit into your palm once open, the top of the little note marked in black ink.

It was the same handwriting that marked the sign-out sheet for equipment in the Quidditch storage rooms down at the pitch.

'Thanks for that one, smart-mouth.'

Your eyes flicker up to Burbage, who's back is turned, before you dip your quill into the ink and scribble out a response. In your peripheral, Oliver is leaned back in his stool: biceps folded over each other. There's an unexplainably airy-fairy, fuzzy feeling warming your rib cavity.

'Believe this one was your fault, dickhead.'

You quietly refold the creased edges, before tapping it lightly with the end of your wand: then watch how it takes off the airstrip of your page and zips quietly under the cover of desks to land back in front of the sender.

There's a long pause - enough for Burbage to draw out a whole flow diagram of something called "parliament" - before the edge of the paper wing grazes at your calf again. It lands quietly again.

'Maybe.

We good?'

There's a gentleness to the sentence. Like you can hear it from Oliver's mouth, like he's avoiding your gaze when he whispers it.

You hunch over the note again.

Oliver's knuckles are turning white, twisting his wand in his hands under the table. He shouldn't have said anything. He's regretting the whole fucking idea of the stupid paper-plane now.

He's trying not to watch you write, not to notice how long you stared at his writing before you picked up your own quill. He does anyways.

When the airplane flutters down into his palm, Burbage is already excusing the class. Stools are scraping against cold tile, the clutter of textbooks being crammed back into bags.

'Never :)'

His eyes run over the word once, twice, three times over. A smile is tugging at the edge of his lip, he forces it taut - but his eyes are still shining unusually brightly when Archie knocks his shoulder to his.

"What you looking so damn happy about?"

Oliver tucks the note into the pocket of his robes. "Don’t know what yer talking about."

-

"But professor, why can't Hufflepuff take Saturday?"

"Well, Hufflepuff already gave up our practice days for Gryff--!"

Hooch sighed so deeply she almost melted back into her armchair. "The decision is made, Oliver. The pitch is being cleaned out on Wednesday, your team can take Saturday for any extra training."

He could practically hear the smile creeping onto your face, the smug crossed-arm look he'll no doubt find when he turns to you.

Irritation bubbles up in his throat, a familiar companion in your presence, and just as he prophesied: you are grinning.

In the weeks that followed that day in Burbage's class, it seemed that both parties decided that the topic of their shared kiss outside the Ravenclaw common room was best left undiscussed.

The arrangement is working. At least Oliver thinks so.

You still bait him and he still snaps, rising to your taunts. He still finds himself in detention more Fridays than he spends free, and his body ripples with anger when you roll your eyes at him.

But it was in moments, like this now, where your little self-satisfied grin doesn't quite vex him to the degree it once did. It's now harder to find a retort, to snap at you with a sharp-edged comment. Not when amusement crinkles at the corners of your eyes where your black lashes kiss so prettily.

Hooch swivels in her chair to find a document between one of her cluttered drawers, you take the opportunity to stick the tip of your tongue out childishly at him.

Oliver draws a tight breath, he hopes his face is still taut in annoyance, because his heart has slipped like a stone down into his stomach. That's the other issue, the tiny little obstacle in these recent weeks: he can't stop looking at your mouth. It's distracting, disarming - paralysing at the best of times.

He strips his gaze away, before he can be outed by anyone in the room. "Whatever." He mumbles.

You seem disappointed in his lack of a real response, but it passes quickly - like a shadow - over your face.

"Thanks professor." You grab up your roster from her desk and turn to the door, practically skipping out into the corridor.

He huffs.

Somehow, you and Archie have become fast friends. Mornings around Fire-Seed Bushes and Venomous Tentaculas in the heat of Greenhouse Three seems to do wonders for a friendship.

It prickles at Oliver's nerves when you pass in the corridors, when you perk up with a high "hey Arch!" and he grins down from his towering height right back at you: "hey Y/n!"

You don't look at Oliver. He's notably sour the rest of the walk.

Alright, maybe the whole arrangement wasn't really working. You were a distraction to him before, no doubt, but somehow your powers of beguilement had tripled. Especially since you seem to be behaving perfectly normal: like you hadn't given Oliver the best snog of his life outside the Ravenclaw common room that night.

Maybe it was just alcohol, maybe he is the only one plagued by the knowledge of the other's taste.

The castle has turned impossibly colder, the bitter bite of winter stinging at the loose cuffs of his robes on walkthroughs of the corridors. He can't imagine how cold the air above the pitch is going to be on Sunday when Hufflepuff faces off Slytherin for a spot in the finals.

It's all Hooch has been going on about for the last two weeks.

Oliver's had to shift around at least four practices - Roger almost twice as much, he's a pushover - to allow for you and Marcus to have more time on the pitch. His complaints fell on deaf ears, Hooch dismissed him with a wave of her bony hand and a "your time is coming, Wood."

You prance into dinner late most evenings, hair in every direction and face flush with sweat: sticking it out like a bumblebee in those awful yellow quidditch robes.

Oliver only notices because, annoyingly, he's found that he is frequenting the bench at the Gryffindor table that faces over to the Hufflepuff's. His eyes drift over the yellow-tied heads to where you clump up with Enzo and Cherry, watches you talk around mouthfuls of toast lazily, giggle behind your napkin: head rolling back to showcase that smooth neck, how it runs down to the soft slopes of your shoulders: disappearing down into your button-up.

Archie has noticed, he's sure, but hasn't done more but allude to it with teasing glances or suggestive comments.

"The Hufflepuffs up to something particularly interesting over there, Ollie?"

The speed with which Oliver's eyes snap to his peas is almost comical. He shrugs and mumbles like a child. "Don't know."

-

On Sunday morning, you don't go to breakfast.

There's an uncomfortable gurgling in your midriff, like a snake is slithering between your organs and you're sure even just the smell of eggs on toast would bring up your dinner.

Instead you find yourself at the pitch a whole hour before the game is set to start. Marcus is running laps around the grass, something he's done since you've known him.

He offers a curt wave, face set like cold stone.

It reminds you of Oliver a little bit, the distraction in his eyes.

Oliver is never all the way there, wherever he is, you think. His eyes mist over like he's halfway between this world and another. You know it's Quidditch: he dreams it, eats it, sleeps it.

But lately he's foggier than usual.

You think it's your imagination, brush off the idea as you have all the millions of others you'd had in the preceding weeks about the surly brute that was Oliver Wood. He plagues you.

Just the vibrato of his unimpressed huff when you get your way, when you quip something purposely annoying at him. It's addictive, the feel of his sugar-brown eyes glaring a hole through you.

Lately, his reactions have been closer to underwhelming. Allowing for only a moment of eye contact: gone are the quick-witted retorts, the Scottish-laced "princess" usually attached. The thought makes you wince in embarrassment, knowing that you've been pressing him harder lately: like a seven-year old jabbing at a claw machine, outwardly desperate for that brown plushy on the top of the pile.

Maybe he's over it. So deathly mortified of your shared kiss that he doesn't want to know you anymore, much less take the effort to hate you. Your chest pinches tightly.

You dress into your match robes slowly, taking your time with the loops of your shoelaces and the buttons down the sweater you're wearing underneath everything. Oliver Wood should be at the bottom of your list of priorities, normally, but now more than ever.

The team filters into the change-room, exhibiting varying degrees of nervousness. Cedric is practically green, but Herbert looks like he's about to go down a water-slide he's waited over an hour in line for. Beyond the swinging doors, you can hear the crowd shuffling loudly into their seats.

Before your wits are completely about you, Hooch is rapping on those same doors. "Onto the pitch, Hufflepuffs!"

You muster up your best excuse for a captain's speech for what might be the last match you ever play as one. The team seem satisfied, you figure it's easy to find solace before a game when you know it's not your last. As the only seventh year, comfort doesn't come so easily to you.

The crowd is deafening when yellow robes take to the sky: Marcus looks over, offering another nod, not unlike the one he'd given you earlier. You can tell he's feeling the dread of finality too.

There's a whistle blow and the quaffle flies past your face with a speed that nearly evacuates your nose from your face. Lee is announcing in the distance and the rumble of adrenaline forces your fingers over the handle. It tilts and you dip, disappearing into the sky of players.

-

The winter air at Hogwarts was biting enough roaming the corridors, but thirty metres off the ground is something wholly unnatural. Your face was burning crisp from the icy wind, the feeling in your cheeks and nose lost to the Scottish cold.

Foggy white clouds puff out with each heavy breath. Cedric zooms past and Jane loops around his moving figure to knock a stray bludger in the opposite direction.

Your eyes flash between them and the fast approaching Malcolm, he tosses the quaffle at you with a grunt and you catch it at the tips of slippery, ice-frozen fingertips.

Shooting forward again, you duck under Marcus who is hurtling through the sky at you: gone is the look of friendly fondness from his eyes, replaced with a hunger for the leather-bound ball in your grasp.

Just missing the grasp of his meaty hand, the ball passes onto Heidi.

"Another ten points to Hufflepuff," Lee's voice echoes as if from heaven. "That brings the score to ninety for Hufflepuff and eighty for Slytherin!"

It's been nearly ninety-five minutes of sitting on your broom growing colder, and you're not alone.

Around you, the team is descending into frost-induced exhaustion: Jane's nose is as bright red as a Christmas ornament and Cedric has been peeping over the top of his thick woollen-scarf for at least the last half - barely enough to catch a glance of the whizzing canary and emerald robes, much less of a tiny golden snitch.

You sigh out another white breath, letting your eyes drift over the stands. It's saturated with moving heads of faces you can't make out and yellow and green swaying banners. Your gaze lingers on the top left, in the corner facing the castle. It's where Cherry and Enzo park themselves during every match, where you know they're screaming in support, clenching their teeth at every quaffle handover. You can feel them, even when their faces blur into the crowd.

Unintentionally, you think about how Oliver's mixed in there too. Somewhere between your peers. If you had been granted another moment, if the quaffle wasn't mid-air between two Slytherins just under your nose and you'd not taken the opportunity to snatch it from them, you would have meandered into the trap of hoping that deep down in his chest - even if it was core of the earth deep - he was rooting for you, too. That he seethed at a missed goal or clenched a tight fist at his side in celebration when a Hufflepuff makes a beautiful play.

Meanwhile in the stands, Oliver has decided that the desire to play his allegiances in secret has since disappeared from his heart.

He'd played it light in the first few minutes. Mumbling under his breath at a fumbled pass or a slimy move from the Slytherins, but by the forty-fifth minute he'd found himself on his feet.

"Diggory!" His hands waved in front of him, "it was right there you fucking git--"

A Hufflepuff third year a row ahead looked at him askew, but he paid her no mind.

Archie had taken the hint early. As soon as Oliver was out of his seat, so was he. Despite being Oliver Wood's best friend, Archie had somewhat limited knowledge of the game himself and eyed Oliver's reactions to find the appropriate moments to whoop and cheer. Oliver didn't say anything, but he appreciated it more than he could verbalise.

His eyes tracked you more than anything, when you were flying between players or just floating in place: eyes like a hawk, watching over the game. His heart swelled and his pride fell to the wayside.

Just short of the two hour mark, there was a rise in the crowd.

"The seekers have caught sight of the snitch!"

Oliver's stomach rose into his throat.

"They're diving for it, Malfoy and Diggory head to head-- and Slytherin grabs the snitch, winning by 140 points!"

It sank back into place, like a stone to the bottom of the river. He watched how you froze, how you twisted over your shoulder to find Diggory's figure lingering at the bottom of the field. You shoulders sagged, hanging in the air as the others dropped to the ground.

"Slytherin have made it into the finals against Gryffindor for the quidditch cup, back here at the pitch next month!"

After a long moment, the last in the sky, you followed them down.

The raucous cheers from the Slytherins were hard to drown out, he wasn't even sure Archie heard him toss a "i'll find you at the castle" before he found himself pushing through the masses of people.

He fought against the wave moving to find the stairs, eager to return to the warmth of their dormitories, but Oliver was markedly more motivated than the majority. He stomped on some toes and nearly tossed a first year off the stands to race down the stairs.

Only once his feet had found the mushy grass of the pitch, did he pause to consider that he wasn't entirely sure what he was going to say. What was the rush for? To comfort you, tease you for your loss?

The latter option was definitely what he could do, what he could say. What was expected of him, if he was being honest. Recently, however, he's found it harder and harder to come up with remarks to hurt your feelings. Found that he quite prefers that little smile that tucks into the corner of your mouth when he says something unexpectedly fond. How your eyes practically gleam.

There's shoving from all sides of him -- get out the way, bloody hell -- and the teams pass ahead of him. Leading the march, despite it being nothing more than a slow trudge, is your figure: squashed between those of who he recognises to be Cherry Stretton and Enzo Musa's.

Their arms wrapped over your shoulders, talking animatedly into your ear on each side. Enzo tips his head to meet yours, a small touch of comfort.

Oliver sighs. He has nothing to say and no comfort to offer, wondering for a moment what he could possibly bare to hear in his own final moments as captain. He thinks that anything from your mouth would work.

So he waits, parks himself beside the stairs and waits for Archie: watching the six-legged figure disappear up over the hill.

-

You're not at dinner.

He knows because he's been watching the door for the better half of an hour. Archie pushes his plate at him, "Eat something there, Ollie."

Begrudgingly, Oliver brings his drumstick up to his mouth. "She's not eaten a thing since breakfast, it's almost eight."

Archie passes a sympathetic look over him. "Her friends are here, I'm sure she'll be by soon. There's no use you joining her on a hunger-strike."

He's right. Cherry and Enzo and some others that frequent your circle are talking around the table, around the spot that you usually fill. But dinner goes on and students leak steadily out towards bed without your return.

Eventually Oliver huffs, like an irritated bulldog, and grabs for the nearest napkin: unfolding it out in front of him.

"What are you doing?" Archie asks thickly, spitting bits of rice at him.

Oliver reaches for two chicken skewers, placing them neatly on the white square: alongside a dinner roll and a pumpkin pasty.

He wraps them over, double wraps it with another napkin too.

"What does it look like, Arch."

Placing it carefully into the deep pocket of his robe, Oliver goes to stand - lacking the patience it takes for Archie to answer, or for his inevitable teasing. "I'll find you back in our room."

He's halfway out the hall when Archie's voice calls out to him, "You don't even know where she is!"

Oliver shakes his head, brandishing a dismissive hand over his shoulder. "I know where she is." He mumbles for only himself to hear.

-

You’d watched close to twenty-one quidditch matches from the stands at the pitch on Hogwarts grounds: played in almost half of them. 

The seat is still slightly too small, just uncomfortable enough to make a person shuffle. Beyond the rim over the other end of the pitch you can see the orange sun dipping behind the horizon, drawing to darkness over your moment alone.

By now you're sure the party in the common room has long since found momentum. The one you'd been promised by the team, "it's your last game, cap, we need to celebrate!". You're sure someone somewhere is looking for you, bracing a plastic cup of Firewhisky with your name on it, but you can't find it within yourself to face it all just yet.

The silence of the evening is enough, you only wish you'd been fast enough to retrieve your broomstick that's somewhere off with Enzo. Just for one last lap.

The serenity of your loneliness doesn't persevere, however. You can hear shuffling up the steps, you're tempted to look but the sunset is slipping so quickly out of your hands that it's not worth the time wasted.

It's only when the footfalls draw closer, stopping when a body slumps into the seat beside you. The seats are so cramped that his knee brushes yours, the figure long since identified from the corner of your eye.

"Come to gloat?" You ask, eyes never leaving the sky.

He shrugs. "Not today."

You nod. His smell drifts on the breeze under your nose, like peppermint and soap and Oliver.

There's a long silence. Your robes crease against the fist sitting in your lap, you've yet to change out of your quidditch uniform, you know it will be the last time.

"You missed dinner."

"Does it matter?"

Despite your avoidant gaze, Oliver's is warming the side of your face. The evening air cools the same spot.

There's a shuffling that finally draws your eyes. Oliver is still in his robes too, and his hand emerges from a deep pocket with a folded napkin square. "Figured you'd be hungry."

He places it onto your lap with a gentleness you're coming to find more of in him. Something frighteningly warm erupts in your chest and your hands come up to it, pulling apart the napkin to find picky bits inside.

You're fighting between smiling and starting to cry. You do neither.

"You carried this in your pocket the whole way from the hall?"

His eyes flicker between the food and your face before he shrugs. "Yeah."

By now, you were fighting a losing battle and the smile pulled up at the ends of your mouth so tightly that your cheeks started to hurt. "Gross."

You pick up a chicken skewer regardless, biting into it and facing the sky again. You offer him the other one and he looks for a moment like he's going to argue but takes it quietly in the end.

The chicken is tender and only after you'd swallowed the first bit did you realise how hungry you'd actually been. You finish it without a word, going to tear the pasty in half and offering a piece to your companion.

You're picking at the roll now, tearing tiny bits off and feeding it piece by piece to yourself like a bird. "Last game."

He nods. "I know."

"What could someone say to you after your last game, Wood?" You pick at him, eyes flittering between him and the now nearly black sky. "You know, to make you feel better?"

Oliver shakes his head, leaning back and rolling his shoulders: as if the thought itself unsettled him.

"Nothing, probably. I'd probably just walk into the Black Lake and drown myself."

You think he's joking, but with Oliver Wood that was hardly a sure thing.

"You wouldn't."

"What's there left to live for?" He says it with an airy chuckle.

Shrugging, your head falls against your shoulder. "You'd have to figure it out, because I'd go marching in right after you. Carry you out if I had to."

Oliver stills, eyes wide and blinking at you. Your chest goes tight, the ghost of a smile pressing at your face.

"Bridal style and everything ..." You add quietly, stifling your chuckle.

He seems to come back to himself, nodding. "We should get back. Been a long day."

The napkin crumples in your hand, shoved down into the depths of your own pocket. You walk ahead, the pathway to the steps is only narrow enough for one person at a time, and he trails behind.

By the time you've hit the steps, Oliver moving down beside you, you're brewing around an apology. A way to thin the air, to ease where your chest is tight: swirling around well done, now you've made things awkward you git. It's halfway up to your tongue when skin brushes against the back of your hand.

Warm fingers explore your knuckles to find your cool ones, slipping to knot between them.

You work not to look down, because Oliver's skittish like that. From the corner of your eye, you can see he's concentrating his gaze ahead.

His hand tightens against yours, palm callous from years wrapped around the wooden handle of his broomstick. It's a little sweaty and sticky but you're smiling so hard you're about to be sick.

You dare to look at him, Oliver's smiling too.

-

Oliver hasn't been sleeping.

His last few days of seventh year are slipping like water through his calloused hands and he can feel it. Every hour that passes, shadowy and fleeting.

Classes feel shorter than before, the terrible jokes Archie bombards him with over dinner sound funnier than he ever remembers them being and the glimpses he catches of you in the corridor never feel long enough. The ceiling of his poster bed flashes with moments of the day that's passed, feeling like a dream you'll be jolted out of as soon as it gets good.

Even over all his hours of broody contemplation, none of it makes the final whistle any easier to swallow. It hits him like he's been smacked with a bludger in the chest.

"Gryffindor has won the quidditch cup, two-hundred and thirty points to twenty!"

He can hear the crowd's roar, the whoops of the twins floating somewhere below him. Harry's standing on the grass of the pitch holding up his tiny golden trophy. The pitch is red all over: Oliver won.

He won.

Every moment building up over the last seven years culminated into the final blow of the whistle. The wind is whipping at the hair over his forehead: Oliver thinks this might be the happiest moment of his life, but he's not entirely sure.

He never realised that it would all be so fucking soaked in sadness.

It's over. He's leaving the castle empty handed. His engraving will live on the Quidditch Cup in a dusty cupboard for years to come, yes, and he might have a frame up in his future apartment somewhere, reminiscing on the old days. That's all.

He's struck with the devastating fear that in a few short years, nobody will remember him. More than anything, he can't believe he hadn't come to this overwhelming conclusion before right now. Before Angelina is yelling to him, waving a frantic hand and sporting the biggest grin in all of Scotland, before he was seconds from taking the prize he's held in his mind for so many years into his very hands.

Will you forget him?

It nearly knocks him off his broom. He finds that it scares him the most, more than the thought of the dust-caked trophy or the lonely corner at the back of his cupboard where his Hogwarts robes will no doubt live until eternity.

He won't forget you, he thinks. He knows.

You're just so damn annoying. And beautiful, fucking whip-clever and hilarious sometimes--

The handle of his broom is tilting down to the earth now, the crowd zooming into a blur on either side of him. He hits a shaky landing, broomstick abandoned on the grass behind him as he's pulled into the arms of his team and well-wishers.

A golden trophy passes over the heads of the twins and it's shoved into his sweating hands. It's cool to the touch and so much heavier than he thought it ever could be, but he can't seem to keep his mind on the situation long enough to realise any of that. His mind is racing around the castle wondering where you might be and what's the fastest way to get there.

His eyes are racing over the heads of the roving crowd. "Wood, Wood! Speech!"

Shadowing over everyone is Archie's tall figure standing at the back, grinning down at him. The team watches expectantly.

This is it. The moment for the speech he's been practicing in his bathroom mirror since he was seven.

"I--" he looks down at the cup for the first time, his face reflecting up at him in glimmering gold. He finds he can't remember any of the words. "I need to go find someone."

There's a buzz of confusion, but Oliver doesn't linger: shoving the Quidditch Cup into Harry's arms.

"That's the shortest speech Wood has ever given." He hears Angelina quip, but he can't be arsed to turn. He's already flying, moving through the crowd at such a pace he might just have been on his broom.

The sea of students had long since started moving up to the castle, particularly the non-gryffindors: trying to beat the stampede of scarlet that is no doubt to come. Oliver's legs carry him over the smooth green hill up towards Hogwarts, head craning over students to find your side profile somewhere in the mass.

He catches few oy, watch it!'s and congrats, Wood!'s but he doesn't turn, doesn't stop running. Students bespeckle the grass like ants lining up for crumbs, and he's all the way up into the stone corridor leading to the Great Hall when he spots Cherry's velvet red curls over the crowd, and sure enough, he finds you're knocking her shoulder with your own.

It only takes one shout of your name and you turn to peek curiously back, by which time he's taken both your shoulders into his hands and steered you to the wall of the corridor.

"Wood! What are you do--"

His hands squeeze around the plush at your upper arms. "Oliver. My name is Oliver."

Your eyes are wide in surprise, the window behind you showcases the gardens and the pitch in the distance. Sunlight forms a halo over the crown of your head.

With a head tilted in confusion, you nod slowly. "Alright ... what are you doing, Oliver?"

He can feel the eyes of Cherry and Enzo burning a hole through the side of his head, but doesn't bother with it. You're blinking up at him, gentle and benign in your features. He wonders when it became like this, when you'd lost the tight brow and the frown every time you looked at him.

"I won the Quidditch Cup." He says blankly.

You nod, a small smile tucked into the corner of your lip. "I saw. Congratulations."

Oliver only nods back at you. "I wanted to tell you. I wanted to come shove it in your face."

He's shuffling closer to your figure, and he's more than pleased to discover that you aren't cowering from it.

"Of course you did, because you're a prat." But you're smiling so hard now that it's impossible to take your jab to heart. "Is that all, Oliver?"

A warm sensation is spilling into his rib cavity and his fingertips are buzzing with electricity when they come to find either side of your face.

"No." His forehead is nearly touching yours and your hands have wrapped around his wrists. "I came to ask you out on a date. A sappy, disgustingly romantic date where I bring you flowers and pay for your hot chocolate. You'd hate it."

"That truly sounds horrible." Your smile is so wide he can barely see the whites of your eyes and it pumps more adrenaline through Oliver than any argument you'd ever shared over the last seven years.

"So, is that a yes?"

You're bouncing on your toes a little bit, bumping your nose against Oliver's clumsily. The babble of passing students and gawking onlookers has practically fallen mute to him.

"Depends, are you going to kiss me goodnight after?" You whisper it, like it's a secret between just you and him.

He nods slowly, "pretty desperate to kiss you right now, if I'm being honest princess--"

You don't wait for him to finish, thank Merlin you don't wait for him to finish, and push up onto your toes: crashing against his mouth. You're kiss is as dizzying as he remembers, but softer this time. You kiss like you know he's not running away, hands pressing softly over his neck.

It's nothing like your kiss outside the Ravenclaw common room: where that one was desperate and hot and angry, this time it's born from longing and tenderness and acceptance.

It leaves him just as fucking breathless as the first time.

Somewhere behind him, he hears wolf-whistling (he's sure it's Cherry) and when you pull your lips off his, your face is flush with embarrassment.

"I will go on a date with you, Oliver."

He takes your hand into his, curling his fingers between your own. You lean up to peck him softly and bat your eyelashes at him, grinning innocuously when you whisper: "If you treat me like you did with Delilah, I'm throwing your broomstick into the fireplace."

-

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July 3rd

5:56pm  Sammy and I went to Oliver’s house across the street to ask him if he’d like to hang out. His mum opened the door. I’ve still seen Ms. Wood around even without Oliver, obviously, because she’s not the one going to boarding school. She called Oliver down the stairs and when he saw it was us he started going down very slowly. He was wearing the headphones of his diskman around his neck and he took them off looking very grumpy. Well, he didn’t even take them off all the way, just enough so he could hear what Sammy was saying. I’ve got the same diskman but mine keeps getting jammed. His looked very used.

“Wanna go to the park with us?”

Sometimes I wonder if Sammy is not aware of things or if he doesn’t care and just tries to be nice. Oliver OBVIOUSLY doesn’t want to hang out with us, because I get he got lots of cool rich friends back in school. Also I didn’t want Oliver to go to the park with us. Tyler and everyone else was hanging out there, and if Lizzie saw Oliver she’ll fancy him right away and then they’d date in front of all of us and I rather die. I’d have to sit there pretending I don’t care and then it would be so obvious that I do care. She fancied Sammy last year and even kissed him during second period that one time. I really don’t want him coming with us.

“No, thanks. I have things to do” said Oliver and then he closed the door in our face.

I was relieved but also a bit embarrassed. Feels like we are some kind of losers and he’s the cool guy now. He does feel cool somehow, tho.

July 10th

11:10am  I just saw Oliver’s mum walk to our house through my bedroom window?? Oliver was walking behind her. Maybe they are not coming here. There’s lots of places to go.

Doorbell.

11:33am  That was so weird. Oliver’s mum was at the door with mum when I came downstairs. Oliver was standing behind her and he looked the most annoyed I have ever seen him. He has always looked serious even when he’s normal, so is very obvious when he’s not happy. I don’t think I’d get away with that without people asking me what’s wrong with me all the time. He didn’t use to be like that, maybe a bit serious but that’s it. He looked at me from behind his mum like this was my fault.

“I was wondering if they could hang out for a bit. Oliver hasn’t gone out much since he came back” said Ms. Wood, or something like that. I understand why he was so mad.

Oliver’s mum invited me over to their house for tea later and mum said I could go. They are sort of friends, I know they buy groceries together sometimes. That’s how she had found out Oliver wouldn’t come home for Easter or Christmas or nothing at all.

5:10pm  I don’t think I had ever been over at their house, it’s very nice and very clean. It’s kinda funny how new houses smell very strongly to you but not to the people who live in them. I wonder what my house smells like, I hope it’s good. I followed Oliver to his room feeling like I had done something wrong. I don’t feel weird when I walk through Sammy’s house because I’ve been there lots, but this felt like I was in a maze because I had no idea where anything was. Also, it was very awkward because I knew Oliver didn’t want to hang out with me and he couldn’t wait for me to leave him alone. I don’t think we are friends like we were until last year. I don’t think we were that close, I just fancied him. His room was a bit messy but to be fair, not as much as mine. He sat down on his bed and took a guitar that had been lying there already.

I stood there without knowing what to do. I wished he’d just tell me to go home instead of making it so obvious.

I asked him “do you play?”

And he said “no, I just like to pretend”

I didn’t know if he was serious or being a dick, so I just said nothing. Maybe he could tell he was making me feel bad because he asked me:

“Do you play anything?”

I told him no, but I’d like to play the drums “because it looks a lot of fun”

He had a lot of tapes in a big plastic box over his desk. There was also a book with a title that I didn’t understand. I assume boarding schools teach you stuff more advanced than public schools, but mum says you shouldn’t snoop around people’s homes, so I didn’t ask about it. Oliver was playing a few chords on the guitar and I recognized them! Finally something I could use.

“Is that Fast Car?”

“What car?” he asked.

“The song you are playing”

“Do you know it?”

Was he mad?

“Obviously?” I sounded a bit harsh, I think. Maybe I too am a bit of a jerk so can’t be mad at him really “Everyone knows it”

“I know!” he jumped a bit on his seat on the bed, he didn’t sound upset anymore “I’ve been hearing it all over since I came back but my parents don’t know the name. I want to go down to the store and buy it”

“I have it” I said, and I was very proud that I could say that. I had bought it when out with dad because we both like the song very much and we wanted to play it in the car. “Want me to bring it?”

He looked SO excited. Didn’t know he likes music this much, even if I had always seen him wearing graphic t-shirts. And so I came back home and went to my bed and picked he tape and brought it back to his room in record time! We put it on his cassette player and he put the earphones on. I wanted to listen to it too but is not like you can share those. So I stayed there while he listened to it. It was awkward but also sort of nice. He didn’t feel the same way he has felt these last times, I don’t know how to explain it. He really liked it, and he looked very at peace or something like that. I told him he could keep the tape (I hope dad doesn’t ask for it any time soon) and after talking for a while I went home because I knew he probably wanted me to leave.

July 11th 

1:42pm  Oliver brought me a Pet Shop Boys tape today and said he wanted me to listen to it. I think he thinks I’m a music fan now. I am not, I mean I like music, but I don’t know much about it. Is it a bad person thing if I pretend I like it a lot? I mean I am going to listen to it now and I’m going to listen to it very well so we can talk about it later, so it won’t really be a lie. He asked me if I want to go to the store later to shop for new music and I said yes. I wonder if I should invite Sammy.

2:03pm  Decided not to invite Sammy. He probably got practice anyway.

7:50pm  Went to the store with Oliver but we didn’t buy anything. He was very upset that I didn’t know a band he had mentioned and said he’d have to make me listen to it. It made me happy that he wanted to show it to me. It feels nice when someone wants to hang out with you. Especially when they seemed to hate it until recently.

We ran into Sammy on the way back to Oliver’s house and I had to pretend we totally weren’t going there. I just know Sammy would tease us and I hate it when he does things like that.

“We are all going to the park to play, wanna come” Sammy asked.

Oliver immediately said he didn’t want to go. It’s so cool how he can just do that. I had to say I’d go, because if I had said no and went with Oliver, Sammy would have started to accuse me of having a crush on him. I am worried that Oliver thinks now that I dislike him or that I ditched him for Sammy. He didn’t seem that upset when I said I’d go to the park. That makes kinda makes me upset too.

July 12th

11:30pm  am going to be brave and go to Oliver’s house and ask him to listen to that album he mentioned. Also, I have listened to Pet Shop Boys and have a lot of thoughts I want to share about them. And I have to give him back the tape. This is completely normal.

12: 26pm Did it! Went to Oliver’s house and we had a lot of fun. I was a bit worried about telling him I didn’t like the tape that much, but he said it was fine.

“I want something more nosy” I do like songs that make you want to get into fights.

“Rock?” he asked me and went though his box of tapes “I’ve got lots of rock. I like a lot of stuff. Do you like Led Zepellin?”

“No, because their songs are too long” Oliver gave me a very annoyed look and I got all embarrassed “What?”

“The Who?”

“Oh! I like them” I actually do.

I can’t remember what was the album he made me listen to. It was weird to just sit in the middle of his room in silence listening to music but it also was good. Wasn’t as weird as much as I was worried I was making it weird. Oliver really likes to focus on music, he looks somewhere for a really long time, which is good because I can stare at him. He caught me a few times but he didn’t seem to care. Sometimes he interrupts a song and tells me to “listen to the bass” I have no idea what he was talking about. Honest to god, I couldn’t hear a damn thing.

August 17th

10:11pm  I am terrible at this. Sorry sorry sorry! Oliver and I have hung out a lot lately, he’s made me listen to lots of songs. I go to his house or sometimes he comes over which is good because it gives me a reason to keep my room clean. The other day we spent a long time at the music store at the mall looking at drum sets and talking about which one I should buy. Of course, I won’t buy any. My parents wouldn’t want me having one and is not like I could play it at home. Oliver inspected many of the guitars and I swear his eyes were shinning a bit. I wish we could start a band so we could be together all the time and he’d be happy playing.

Sammy eventually started to hang out with us and if I’m being honest is not the same. Love hanging out with Sammy and love hanging out with Oliver, but they don’t like the same things and conversations are weird when they are together. Sammy says he thinks Oliver is a bit of a freak because he never wants to hang out with anyone but me alone. He told me he had taken Oliver to hang out with the gang one day that I wasn’t home and he said

“He acted like a knob the whole time. Why does he act like he’s too good to hang out with us? Posh twat”

I got a bit mad but also couldn’t, because then he might find out I fancy Oliver. Also didn’t want to fight with Sammy.

“I think he only likes talking about music”

“Weird”

“Just because he doesn’t want to play football doesn’t make him weird. I don’t like to sit there and watch you all play either”

Sammy is usually way nicer than this. I think he’s upset because he insisted in taking Oliver to hang out with everyone else again and then Oliver didn’t bother to pretend he was having fun. He didn’t want to play and sat with the girls and they didn’t talk at all. Not even Lizzie spoke to him. Good, and bad. Good because I don’t want Oliver to fancy her and bad because why won’t she like him? I think Oliver is handsome and is v interesting so why? Now the boys have started to say they don’t want to hang out with him and mocking Sammy for bringing him.

“Well he doesn’t want to hang out with them and they don’t want to hang out with him so everything’s good. If you wanna hang out with him you should talk about music”

So I have been seeing Oliver and hanging out with everyone else separately at the same time. The gang teases me from time to time about us being together a lot and it makes me upset but if I let them know that they’d get worse, you know? After all, when Oliver goes away again I still have to see them all.

I made him a mixtape with some songs.

Fast Car - Tracy Chapman

Never Say Goodbye - Bon Jovi

Time after time - Cindy lauper

The Flame - Cheap Trick

Don’t you forget about me - Simple Minds (he likes them a lot)

Will it be too obvious? God, am such a loser. It’s okay, they are just songs. Will give it to him tomorrow.

August 19th

7:34pm  Haven’t given it yet.

August 24th

11:59pm  Haven’t yet. I just need a bit of courage. Also got big zit on my face and don’t feel like seeing him like this.

August 27th

9: 48am  Okay, will have to do it soon. I’ll panic last minute and give it to him.

August 31th

9:01pm  Am a coward.

October 15th

5:42pm  Bought the new Pet Shop Boys album. Actually bought two. One’s for Oliver, the other for me because I liked a lot of songs from this album, one of them is very good. I’m going to add it to the tape.

You are always on my mind - Pet Shop Boys

June 20th

1:19pm Lucky! Mum asked Ms. Wood when Oliver was coming back. She said next week! Mixtape update

Listen to your heart - Roxette

July 3rd 

9:38pm  Saw Oliver today! Was thinking of going to visit him but was worried to seem too eager. But I did it anyways! Ms. Wood let me come in and called Oliver from downstairs to let him know I was there. She said I could walk up the stairs and to knock before I came in. Thought it was a bit weird but I thought maybe Oliver’s room was a disaster because he had just arrived and wanted some time to clean up before I came in. I knocked on the door and there was a bunch of noise inside before Oliver said to “come in!”

He didn’t look that happy to see me. Is not like he didn’t look happy, just not as much as I’d hoped. Not as much as I am to see him, which I understand but I can’t help but to feel bad about it.

I said “Welcome home” when I handed him the Pet Shop Boys cassette. He looked VERY happy.

“Did they release a new one?”

Oliver had mentioned that at boarding school they are not allowed to listen to the radio or watch TV. Well, they have radio but they are not allowed to listen to all channels. Not the channels that play Top of the Bops stuff. Sounds like jail to me.

“You are gonna love this track”

I wanted to see his face when he listened to You are always on my mind so I made him listen to it in front of me right away. He didn’t protest, and in a way this is the closest am getting to a confession any time soon. You should have seen his face!

Felt like he was having out of body experience. Knew he was hitting the chorus when he stood up from the bed and pressed the headphones against his ears like he was trying to get the music to enter his brain. He looked at me with eyes really wide but didn’t say anything. I just stared at him while he listened and I didn’t feel weird at all this time. He took the headphones off when the song finished and was silent until he told me:

“Thank you” and he really meant it.

I’m so happy he’s back. Need more songs for him. Want to keep making him happy like this.

July 13th

2:22pm  Sammy just rang to ask if we should go to the mall with everyone. I wanted to invite Oliver but I knew he wouldn’t like it very much. Surprisingly Sammy had that idea by himself! We talked a lot about Oliver though school for some reason. I was trying really hard to not talk about him as to not be suspicious but Sammy was the one mentioning him from time to time, which is great because Oliver is my favourite topic of conversation. Can’t talk about him as much as I want anywhere else but here.

2:31pm  Sammy rang Oliver and said he said he’d be coming with us later! V surprised

9:57pm Went to the mall with Oliver and the gang and Oliver seems to blend just fine now. I guess we are all a bit more mature now. Also don’t have to worry about Lizzie right now because she’s got a crush on a guy from another school that’s friend’s with her brother and also a year above and she won’t shut up about it. Good. Then Oliver asked

“Want to go to the record store?”

He asked me, Me! Only me. Didn’t invite anyone else.

I said yes and felt a bit shy that everyone could see we were going alone, but at the same time I felt a bit proud. I was able to showcase all the knowledge I acquired this past year, and he was proper shocked. Ha ha! I can name more than ten bands now.

“Oh, I have something to show you” he said, and I asked what it was “You’ll see”

Oh god. Love surprises

July 21st

8:35pm Haven’t seen Oliver in a while. Actually want to die.

Went to see him a few days ago and I knocked on the door like a proper member of society but he wouldn’t answer. Knew he was inside because his mum said he was in there and he’s never anywhere bloody else anyway. I though to maybe go downstairs and ask his parents about it but the idea of bothering Mr. or Ms. Wood in their own home made me feel terrible. I felt so stupid standing there outside his room in a house that’s not mine, so I just opened the door. He was reading a book in bed with the headphones over his head, and I could hear the music from the door. Of course he hadn’t heard me. He saw me and he got up all quickly and threw the book to the floor which made a very loud noise. He hadn’t even taken out his headphones when he yelled at me

“What are you doing here? Don’t you knock?”

He was proper mad at me, and I felt like such a terrible person and also like I wanted to cry. I apologized which I don’t think he even heard and I closed the door and ran out of his house. Had said I was going to Oliver’s so didn’t want my parents asking why I was back so soon so I just walked down the street and sat on a bench for a while hoping no one I know would pass by and see me cry.

Have been hanging out with Sammy only. Haven’t told him about the whole situation because I know he’ll hate Oliver’s guts. I think he knows something’s up, tho.

Didn’t want to write about it at all because I feel so bad every time I remember it. But today Oliver showed up at the park where we were all hanging out. He greeted everyone. I don’t know if he looked at me because I didn’t want to look at him. Deep down I feel like he’s a bit in the wrong, no? He was just reading. Whatever. Sammy took off his t-shirt and threw it at my face, it was all sweaty and gross and it smelled disgusting but at least gave me a reason to not say hi to Oliver. Sarah and Lizzie found it really funny, they even said I’m lucky so I just handed it to them. Sarah actually took it, gross. Then Oliver actually offered to play.

“We are full, tho” said Adam, who I think still doesn’t like him much because despite everybody acting like it isn’t true, Oliver is proper handsome and Adam not so much. He also doesn’t like Sammy but he can’t really say it.

“It’s okay, I can sit for a bit” said Sammy and sat next to me.

I don’t blame Oliver for not playing football often. He kinda sucks. I think he realised because the boys kept teasing him about it and he did look a bit embarrassed. He kept staring at me as if he wanted to know if I thought he sucked too. I’d never tell him that tho. We all left the park to go home and while we were walking he grabbed my shoulder and made me stop to talk to him. I saw Lizzie making a shocked face and turn to tell Sarah about it. It’ll probably be in the national news by now.

“I’m sorry” he said, and he looked really ashamed.

I shrugged and told him it’s okay. Am not really upset, just embarrassed. Didn’t want him to know he had hurt my feelings because what if he got annoyed.

“I still have something to show you” he said out of nowhere “If you still are interested”

It made me feel very weird when he said that. Couldn’t believe he remembered and meant what he said when he said he wanted to show me something. Don’t think I’d ever be able to be mad at him. God, I love him.

I’m going to his house tomorrow.

July 22nd

3:01pm  Have nothing too wear. Whole wardrobe seems to have magically turned into pile of nothing that will make me look ugly if Oliver sees me in it. Wish I could go shopping and get something new. Nothing will change my face, though. New face absolutely impossible to be found on wardrobe, that’s for sure.

3:04pm  Maybe could wear lipgloss, but am worried mum or dad will mention it and find out I like Oliver. Could bring it with me and put it as I cross the street!

3:05pm  But what if Oliver is watching through the window and sees me put it on and thinks I like him? Mmmmh, unlikely.

7:49pm  Just came back from Oliver’s. Completely gave up on lipgloss idea as I rang the doorbell. Did put it on, then immediately though about the chance that Oliver might want to kiss me and rubbed it off my lips so he wouldn’t be disgusted by the sticky feeling. Immediately embarrassed at the genuine hope of that happening. Am a fucking idiot.

But OH GOD! Oliver opened the door and welcomed me inside with a smile. He walked me to his room where he already had tea and biscuits ready and told me to sit on his chair. Was feeling very well treated and had forgotten about how embarrassed I was last time I was there (tea was v good too). Then he took his guitar and sat on his bed, and sung Fast Car for me. Could tell he was v nervous as his voice kept shaking a bit but it steadied eventually. Was worried I might be too awkward just listening sitting there but it felt like a dream. I kept staring at his fingers gracing the strings and the way he looked so focused and how sometimes he looked somewhere else and I could see how pretty his lashes are. He’s got a very pretty voice, and I kept wishing am the only person who has ever heard it like this. Then became worried about some other girl hearing it like this some day, and I became sad. Wish I could stop making myself sad all the time, especially when I feel so happy like that.

When he finished it he cleared his throat and tried to act like he wasn’t embarrassed but I knew he was. It was so cute I thought I’d die.

“What you think?” he tried to say casually.

I was worried about what to say, how to properly tell him how much I loved it.

“It was awesome” god, am stupid, stupid!! but somehow better than saying “Thank you for playing it for me, even if you are shy about it”

“Take it as a thanks, for giving the tape to me”

July 23rd

6:34pm  Oliver said his parents are taking him on vacation to Spain until mid August. Hate my life. Hate it hate it hate it.

August 16th 

11:53am  Ran into Oliver and his mum while out with mine going to the shops!! Oliver is looking very tanned and a bit burnt. God please help me, he looked so pretty and the way he looks at me makes me feel like summer is the best thing in the world. Thinking of hanging out this afternoon!

8:00pm Not hanging out this afternoon. Sammy came over for girl drama he wants me to mediate. Nosy part of me v much loving this, but I would have liked to visit Oliver instead.

August 18th

7:62pm  Have apologized to Oliver for not being able to hang out the other day and explained whole Sammy-Laura love drama that went down. He seemed surprisingly into it and ate all the biscuits while listening to it.

“I thought Sammy fancied you”

HA, could you believe that? I was v flattered and I’m sure I blushed but I know there’s not way in hell.

“No way in hell” that’s all I said. It doesn’t feel good having to explain that it’s because am not that pretty or interesting, and Sammy is very popular, but it’s just a fact and need to start accepting it. Still doesn’t feel good to say, but’s better than getting my hopes up. Not that I like Sammy, even if he is handsome, but he’s out of my league. Well, am just on the minor leagues and everyone else is on the normal league. Don’t know anything about how sports or leagues work really.

Still wanted to know why he’d say that “Why’d you say that?”

But Oliver just shrugged and said “seemed that way because he’s always around you”

“You and I are always together” I said and Oliver didn’t say anything else.

Am such an idiot.

August 23rd

4:07pm Been dying to go to watch this new movie that is premiering at the theatre soon and have been trying to invite Oliver to come with me. V confused about wanting to go with him date-like while terrified he will think I wants to go on a date with him.

4:15pm  Idea! Inviting Sammy first so it won’t be suspicious. Also will get mad anyway if he finds out I went without him.

4: 27pm Called Sammy and he’s in. Realised I don’t have Oliver’s number, maybe I should ask him for it. But this way I have an excuse to always go see him in person. Decided phone number issue shouldn’t be brought up. Going to Oliver’s!

4: 44pm  Oliver said he’d be coming with us. At first I only asked him if he wanted to come with me and he asked “alone?” but he asked after he had agreed to come already. Which means he was okay with the idea of us going alone, maybe. Need to remind myself he doesn’t fancy me and getting hopes up will just hurt in the end, but still wanted to write it down here. When I said Sammy was coming too he just nodded and said “cool”. Thinking now that I could have gone to the movies alone with Oliver and now that’s not happening because am an idiot. Still, Sammy would have been upset if he found out I didn’t invite him so technically didn’t have any other choice.

August 25th 

4:59pm  Again, no clothes in my room. Where have they gone? Have I ever looked fine in anything I have ever worn? Can’t look too nice or Sammy will notice and he will know. Is a skirt too much?

8:03pm  Oliver came pick me up so had to go out in the outfit I was trying on, so skirt was worn and no one minded. Sammy was waiting for us in front of his house and we went to the theatre together. When we were buying the tickets Sammy paid for mine, which felt v strange. We buy things for each other sometimes but is usually drinks and snacks. It felt weird for Oliver to pay his own ticket afterwards, like no one wanted to buy it for him. I would have bought it for him, but am not rich. If I ever become rich I want to buy Oliver all the albums and guitars he wants.

Tricked Sammy into choosing his seat first as to avoid him sitting in the middle and making me unable to sit with Oliver. Felt v smart and like I could become a spy or something. Oliver sat in the middle and I very casually offered to share my popcorn with him. Sammy was so far it made sense for me not to offer him too, after all he had his own, plan was perfect.

Number of times Oliver’s hands touched mine in the popcorn: 6 (v good)

Movie was v good and Oliver kept laughing at all the silly jokes, which made me really happy. Love, love his laugh. Was able to turn to him and discretely look at his smile without him noticing. Saw Sammy a few times and he wasn’t smiling at all. Sammy doesn’t really get movies the way I do, so happy to see Oliver does.

“That was so ridiculous!” Oliver said after the movie was over, but he said it with a big joyous smile.

“It was so dumb” Sammy said, and he meant it “So there’s no side effects of these two messing up with famous people in history?”

“It’s supposed to be that way” I tried to defend it, he just doesn’t get it! “What’d you think about the soundtrack?”

“There were so many good songs in it! I hope they release it soon”

“I’ll keep an eye out for it when you are gone again”

Sammy mopped all the way home while Oliver and I kept trying to remember the funniest parts of it. When Oliver had come back after his first year I wouldn’t have thought I’d ever see him do an air guitar riff. V embarrassing if it had been anyone else but v cute since it was him.

August 26th

9:23pm  Went to watch movie again with Oliver. It’s okay I didn’t ask Sammy because he hated it the first time. Told Oliver my parents had bought two tickets by accident but actually bought them myself for Oliver and me. It was so much fun and everybody in the theatre kept laughing. Love the movies.

August 27th 

6:30pm  Very weird day. Sammy asked me to come out and we walked around for a bit until he asked me if I fancy Oliver. Used all my acting abilities to convince him I don’t. Kept getting distracted because his curly hair looked very golden under the sun. Always been so jealous of it. Wonder how long hair would look on Oliver.

“He’s going away soon anyway so even if I fancied him it doesn’t matter” made myself very sad saying that.

August 30th

6:59pm  Am not a coward, really. Is better to give him the mixtape once the Bill and Ted soundtrack is out and I can put the songs in it. Am being considerate. Also Oliver might have a girlfriend by the time he comes back so maybe won’t even have to give it to him!

Spetember 1st

12:25pm  So so sad.

June 30th

1:57pm  Saw Oliver’s parents car parking in front of their house and he came out of it with big suitcases. Have to act normal and wait a few days to visit as to not be suspicious. He looked so tall even from afar. Boys really grow a lot fast.

2:02pm  I wonder if he got a girlfriend. Or if he’s kissed anybody. Pretty boys just do that all the time, look at Sammy.

2:10pm  Sammy read my mind from his house and rang me after I thought of him. Wanted to know if I would go to the park with everyone. Going out for a bit to not think about random girls snogging Oliver.

7:43pm  Hate myself!!!!!!!!! Mum said Oliver came after I left asking for me. Never leaving the house again in case he shows up again.

July 1st

10:34am  Should go to Oliver’s and say hi. Feel like I’m dying to see him, which is a bit worrying.

10: 40am  Phone.

10: 47am  It was Oliver! Said my mum gave him my line number yesterday so he could make sure I was home before crossing the street and finding out am not there. He’s coming later so I can show him all the good music he has missed. Proud that I have become some sort of music dealer for him.

11:01am  have to clean up

8:34pm  How do boys grow so tall? Doctor said am never becoming taller than this but boys seem to keep growing forever. Don’t think I ever had to crank my neck to stare at him until now. When he came into my room he lied on my bed like it was the most normal thing in the world and it made my stomach feel all funny and stuff. There’s no way I could sit on the bed next to him. It wouldn’t be weird but would he know I wanted to do that? Or was it even more obvious that I love him because I didn’t do the normal thing and sit next to him on the bed? In my defence, he’s so big now that there barley was any space left on the bed for me to sit.

“When did that come out?” he asked about the Back to the future II poster on my wall. Lovely gift from mum and dad.

“Winter last year”

You had gone with Sammy and your friends from school. This time Sammy seemed to like it more. He’d have to be mad to not like it anyway. The type of movie that people don’t care about movies like.

“Wish I could have gone watch it”

“We can watch it” genius idea “We can rent it and watch it here”

Oliver looked very happy at the idea. He looked a bit different when he smiled. His face is not that soft anymore, but he still looks pretty. God, can’t let the girls see him now. Can’t believe am meeting Oliver to sit and watch a movie by ourselves in my room. Can’t mess this up. Not sure what there is to mess up but can’t let it happen.

July 3rd

2:03pm  Messed up.

Ran into Sammy who asked me to hang out tomorrow so I said I couldn’t because I had plans. When he asked what the plan was I thought about lying and saying that we were visiting my grandma. But what if he ran into my parents for some reason? What it he showed up at my house? What if he met Oliver and he told him? If he found out I lied it’d be worse than him knowing. Don’t know why am so ashamed of him knowing about it. Oliver and I are friends and I know he doesn’t fancy me. I guess am ashamed of anyone thinking it’s hilarious that I believe Oliver could ever fancy me. Or something like that. Not sure.

“Oliver is coming over to watch Back to the future II”

“Cool! Can I come over?”

“Sure”

It’s fine really. Not like Oliver will care, because he doesn’t fancy me. It’s fine.

July 4th

10:56pm  Some v good things happened today. They are very silly but feeling very happy about them at the moment and this is my diary.

Sammy arrived before Oliver did and we chatted for a while. Was very normal when Oliver came in a while later, v good at pretending am not in love with him. The three of us sat on the floor in front of the TV and spent time putting the tape in the VHS reader thinking about how good it was to be sitting in the middle, because I could sit next to him without being obvious I wanted to.

“She’s so fit” said Sammy when Lea Thompson showed up on screen.

Had to agree. Watched Some kind of wonderful a bit ago and while it sucked, Lea Thompson looked so pretty in it. Then I mentioned Michael is very handsome and Sammy teased me about it because he thinks his face looks weird. He’s sort of hated him since we watched the Teenwolf movie a few months back. He really doesn’t understand movies and doesn’t understand girl’s taste.

“Oh, come on” said Oliver “He’s a pretty boy”

Don’t know if he was defending Michael J. Fox or me, but at least Sammy shut up.

I think Oliver doesn’t care about other guys being more handsome than he is. Which am not saying he’s less handsome than Michael and in any case if I had to choose between the two, I’d choose Oliver. Like to think he’d be happy if I said that to him but I don’t think he’d care.

Did not pay attention to the movie whatsoever, which is fine because I have seen it eight times. What happened was that Oliver was being too distracting because he was so close. His knee kept pressing against my leg because he was sitting cross-legged and I had to pretend I didn’t notice or care. A few times when we straightened a bit our hands touched, and he would ask stuff about the first movie in my ear from time to time. For some reason I think I was the only one laughing by the end of the movie? The boys seemed very tense but maybe I was just having too much of a good time. Love, love the movies. Wish I could work at blockbuster when I grow up and judge people on the movies they decide to rent.

“Watching this at the movies was awesome” Sammy said mid movie “You still owe me a ticket”

“I said I’ll pay you back but you won’t let me”

That was true. For a while now Sammy and I have been paying for each other’s tickets. It’s sort of nice. Don’t have many friends who do things like that. To be honest Sammy is the only friend I really have. I don’t think the others would hang out with me if it wasn’t for him.

11: 17pm  I wish I could have watched the movie only with Oliver.

July 6th

10:41pm  Feel terrible today. Things are going on that I don’t think I understand but it all feels like my fault.

Went over to Oliver’s early after lunch. Made sure to knock three times before he invited me in. He was casually sitting on the bed and he greeted me with the cutest smile in the world. I really think this crush is starting to hurt a bit. It hurts whenever he smiles. Maybe that’s a sign. We lied together next to each other in bed, playing some Spandau Ballet and talking and it felt like I was floating. His bed always feels so soft and fresh and he was so close I could smell him. Not in a weird way, just that very particular scent that always follows him. Love the curtains in his room because they are yellow and they make his room feel so sunny and lively when the light comes through them. And then someone knocked on his bedroom door and Sammy walked in.

He looked at us like we were doing something weird. Sure, lying on a bed together was a weird way to be found in, but is not like he hadn’t lied on my bed many times before too.

“Hey, what you guys up to?”

I sat on the bed but Oliver didn’t bother.

“Hanging out” I said, because it felt a bit weird.

“Hope you don’t mind me coming in, mate” Oliver didn’t say anything, which I think is when he started getting mad. Think that Sammy could tell he was mad already but was trying to keep the peace. I don’t know if anyone else comes to Oliver’s room. Don’t wanna feel special or anything but I don’t think he ever invites anyone else here “Your mum told me you were here when I came to look for you. Wanna go to the park?”

The thing is, I didn’t. But if I said that, Sammy might have felt hurt. Also, if he told the rest of the group they would start talking about Oliver and me and that might be a nightmare. Because then I’d have to explain how we are not dating, but they probably know I fancy him already, which means I’d be telling everybody how Oliver doesn’t fancy me back. So I said that

“It’s a bit too hot outside”

But Sammy just shrugged.

“So? We’ll be on the shade. We’re gonna get slushies too. I’ll get you one”

I really tried, to be honest. And I wasn’t even lying. I don’t like going when it’s too hot. I don’t like going with the gang because I never say much anyway. Being in silence with Oliver feels different than being in silence when am with everyone else. Oliver sighed very loudly next to me and Sammy noticed.

“Sorry, was I really interrupting something?”

“No” I was so embarrassed for some reason, I can’t really say why.

“Come on, you need some sun!”

I had started to get off the bed when Oliver said “She said she didn’t wanna go? Did you not hear her?”

I froze in place at the edge of the bed. It had gotten so tense and Spandau Ballete kept playing. The yellow lighting now felt sickening. And yet, that made my heart race a bit. I think none of us knew what to say.

“She didn’t say that” said Sammy calmly. At least he sounded calm, but I think he started getting upset then as well “Do you want to come or not?” he asked me.

Is not like I could just say whatever! If Sammy thought I was abandoning him for Oliver what would I do when Oliver leaves again? I turned to Oliver, who unlike Sammy did look upset.

“Do you want to go ?” I asked him, because I wanted to go if he came with us. All I want is to hang out with him.

“I really don’t” he said and he went back to his magazine.

And so I left with Sammy because I felt like no matter what I said it was going to be wrong. Now Oliver is probably mad at me, and Sammy kept saying how he feels like Oliver is too weird the whole time. Which is why he got mad when we got to the park and Lizzie was upset he didn’t bring him too.

Apparently she had ran into him on the street and now she did have her eye on him. She called him a hunk, which was right, but I didn’t like they way she said it. Now because she said all that, all the boys seem to hate him.

I want to call Oliver to check if he’s mad at me, but I’m scared he might be. What will I even do if he is?

July 7th

1:09am  Haven’t called and can’t call now because it’d be weird. Will go to sleep and tomorrow I won’t feel as bad. Everything will be better tomorrow.

4:21pm  Went to Oliver’s house but he wasn’t there. He probably hates me so much he has moved to another country.

July 8th

13:32pm  Oliver called a while ago. He said he wanted to check how I was doing in a very weird way. I think he thinks Sammy is bullying me. Haha.

He’s not mad at me which goodie! He asked if I wanted to come over and I said yes (not too enthusiastically)

8:53pm  Fought a bit with Oliver today. Well, not really. We are not mad at each other and we didn’t yell or anything. It felt bad because it felt weird because I never speak to anyone like this but I do feel better now. Feels like if I talked like that with anyone else, even Sammy I wouldn’t be able to. And speaking of Sammy... you know what Oliver said?

“Does he always drag you around like that?”

I tried to explain to him that he doesn’t really do that. And as I tried he said

“why do you keep saying that ‘it feels like that but’? If it makes you feel like that it’s like that and you should tell him”

Didn’t really know what to say about that and for some reason talking about this made me cry a bit. Because Sammy is my best friend and he’d never do that on purpose. Sure sometimes it feels like he makes me tag along but to be honest, he’s the only reason why I have friends I think. He asks me to go with him everywhere because he knows I wouldn’t make any friends without him. He takes care of me and to be honest I like that he’s always there and wants to see me, because no one else does. I tried to say all of this to Oliver and I started crying a bit and I was so embarrassed and I raised my voice a bit. I never do that. I was sure he’d hate me and get mad and passive-aggressive because I was crying and acting like that but he didn’t.

“Sorry. I know you are friends. But if he’s such a good friend he’ll understand if you tell him when something upsets you. I was mad because it looked like you didn’t wanna go with him and I don’t want you to do that”

He seemed a bit panicked when he said all that, probably because I was crying. He gave me a half hug and I felt so grateful but couldn’t tell him. I guess he won’t hate me even if he sees me like that, crying and ugly and mad. That’s good to know.

Phone.

9:13pm  V bad. Should call Oliver even though is late.

9:48pm  Off phone now. Well. Sammy called me and asked what I had done today. Not in a weird way, so I told him I was at Oliver’s for tea and then we had watched a movie. All lies, but couldn’t tell him we spoke about how he’s a bad friend sometimes and I cried and Oliver hugged me. He went very quiet after that. Apparently he had come pick me up and mum said I was at Oliver’s. Then he said that Ms. Wood had told him we had gone out when he showed up at Oliver’s house.

“Uh, that might have been when we went to buy snacks” I lied. V proud.

We talked for a bit longer but all I could think about was calling Oliver. He admitted he had told his mum that if Sammy came over to tell him we weren’t there. Ms. Wood is such a funny mum.

August 3rd

17:01pm Uh, haven’t written much. Haven’t feel like writing much. Sorry.

Oliver has become a part of the group now, which is good because we are all hanging out together and him and Sammy don’t fight and argue anymore. We haven’t spent much time alone together ever since a month ago, and I don’t really know how that happened. He started joining Sammy and me and eventually there he was every day, with us.

They decided to play spin the bottle today and Lizzie cheated to kiss Oliver. Life is unfair and I am going to throw up.

Henry spun the bottle after and he was supposed to kiss me, but Sammy stopped him and all the boys and girls started yelling and squealing so we stopped playing and no one kissed me in the end. Feeling very confused and v sad.

Would have been nice to be kissed at all.

August 4th

20:34pm  Oliver rang today but I said I didn’t want to hang out. He probably wants to tell me about Lizzie and I don’t want to hear it. He said that was okay and to ring him if I change my mind or wanna chat. Sammy also asked me to hang out but he came over to ask me instead. I said I didn’t want to and he said we could just hang in my room, so we just watched a few movies. I couldn’t be arsed to watch them and just kept thinking about how much life sucks right now.

Thought about how it was better than being alone, because then I’d feel all lonely and wouldn’t have any friends left. Grateful to Sammy in a way, even if I wish he’d go home soon.

August 30th

2:02am Oliver is leaving and we haven’t seen each other alone much anymore. He came home a few times and we listened to music but it felt sort of weird. Because I’m selfishly mad at him. He won’t talk about Lizzie, so I guess he knows I like him and is trying to be nice by not torturing me with details. He’s coming back to school and they will not see each other anymore. Good.

Can’t wait for summer to end.

February 15th

10:28pm  Sammy asked me to watch My Girl to the movies with him. I guess all the signs I told myself were misinterpretations were real after all. I spent the whole movie crying and thinking if Oliver would cry too. He doesn’t seem like the type to cry in movies but even he would cry with this, right? Sammy held my hand when the movie was about to end. It felt sort of nice.

June 30th

3:18pm  Oliver Wood called today and I almost had a heart attack. I picked up thinking it was Sammy and answered sounding absolutely stupid.

“Hellooooo!!” that’s what I sounded like but stupider and high pitched.

He asked me if I wanted to hang out for a bit and if he could come over. It felt so weird telling him how Sammy and I had started going out a bit ago and it’d feel weird to have another boy in my room by yourselves. He was a bit quiet but said he completely understood and that we could hang out with everyone else when they went to the mall or anything like that, which is okay. Didn’t tell him that most part of the gang has now separated a bit because of school drama but am sure he doesn’t care anyway.

After that we talked for about two hours until my mum embarrassingly told me to hang up.

6:37pm  Wanted to hang out with him so so badly, and I think that makes me a bad person. At least a bad girlfriend.

July 1st

4:19pm  Was hoping the gang would like to meet today. Maybe I should give Sammy a ring and ask to go bowling with everyone or something.

8:53pm No gang no bowling and no Oliver. We went on a date which was fine. We sat at the park and watched some old men playing football. Some of them were cute so it’s okay.

July 5th

3:12pm  Rang Oliver today just to chat. I wanted to know if he had gotten a copy of Blur’s new album because I really feel like he’d like it. Sammy doesn’t really like their music and gets mad whenever I mention Damon is a handsome guy. I don’t even have a crush on him, he’s just objectively handsome. Oliver agreed! He said he had only listened to She’s so high because it was on the radio a lot.

“Didn’t think you liked experimental music like this” ha ha, I have grown so much. Am a girl who knows about music now.

Was about to ask him if he wanted to come buy and listen to Leisure with me, then I realized we couldn’t. Though maybe inviting Sammy to listen with us would be better but he hates Blur and also it’d be so weird. Is not that he’s like that, it’d just be rude. I wouldn’t want him having another girl in his room either. Uhm. I mean, it would be insulting and it’d suck but

“I’m going to buy the album with Sammy when it comes out, wanna come with us?”

“Sure”

3: 25pm  Now need to call Sammy and ask him to go buy the album with me. Also university brochure finally arrived and now am getting scared about exams next year. I know dumb people who graduated high school so it's fine. I'll be fine.

July 11th

8:34pm  Went to the record store with Sammy, that insisted in holding my hand even though we were sweating lots and our fingers were slippery. Gross, but at least he still likes me while I’m gross I guess. Oliver didn’t seem to mind that he was being lovey-dovey because he always becomes absent-minded whenever he enters the music store.

He has grown a lot, and he’s definitely taller than Sammy now. I don’t remember what sport he played at school but his body’s gotten big and his hair is pretty longish now. Can I say it here? Can’t say it anywhere else or to anyone else. He looks gorgeous. Feels like a terrible thing to say now that I have a boyfriend. But it’s a fact, an objective fact. If I asked Sammy he’d probably agree, but won’t do that. Oliver did agree Damon Albarn was handsome, tho.

The whole trip to the record store lasted about half an hour and then Sammy said we were gonna go on a walk and that we’d see him later. Oliver looked a bit taken aback and he didn’t even try to hide it. I think Sammy did it on purpose. I think he knows I used to fancy Oliver. So I can’t really say anything.

July 13th

11:54pm  Asked Sammy to come over and listen to Leisure and he refused until I asked him for like the third time. He couldn’t be arsed to listen to what I had to say about the songs and only wanted to snog me while the record played. I don’t hate it but I want to talk about Sing. It feels good to wanna be kissed I guess, but I don’t want to just do that. Especially when Leisure is playing.

I told him “is this why you said yes to come over?” and he laughed and said “maybe”

“Well, I wanted to share the album with you”

“Thank you” and he started kissing me again. I don’t think he understands.

“So what do you think?”

“You know I hate these knob-heads”

“So you came just for this” This being his hand under my shirt.

He got away from me and sighed very loudly like he was the one who had the right to be mad. Then he got up and said “Sorry, let’s go out instead. The guys are hanging out at the pub”

Hate the pub. Everybody is nosy and I never talk in the conversations because no one cares about what I say. It also smells weird. Had to stop the album at Bad Day. We didn’t even make it to Sing.

July 14th

4:17 a.m  Gave Oliver a ring at one in the morning like a mad person. He picked up almost immediately before I had time to worry about waking up his parents.

“What do you think about Sing?”

We just got off the phone. Feeling way better now.

July 17th

2:28pm  Have been mortified I rang Oliver so bloody late. Also, been mortified that it felt so good to speak with him. Can’t believe we spoke until so late and yet am not tired at all. Missed him very much (as a friend) and wanted to speak with him.

10:37pm Think am about to lose my mind. Oliver rang today and asked if I wanted to listen to Leisure with him.

“On the phone, of course” he said and I felt he sounded a bit sad.

We went through the whole album and felt v proud I could say smart stuff about the songs like ‘listen to the bass, here’ too. Sure, at points I was just saying stuff, but he still listened and gave his opinion. I got v excited when we got to Sing because I really wanted to know what he thought of it, but instead he asked me why it’s my favourite song. I can’t tell him though.

To be fair I can’t tell anyone, because it’s because it feels like the yellow light through Oliver’s bedroom curtains and the way his eyes squint under the sunlight when it’s too bright. Like that year he came back from Spain and I ran into him in the street and he got a bunch of freckles from the sun and he was a bit burnt.

“I think someone keeps trying to call you” I said, because by the time we were at Come Together I had heard the line getting interrupted about three times.

“Uh? I think it must be yours, can’t hear anything on my end”

That got me a bit worried, because I knew right away it must be Sammy trying to call. I started thinking about who I was gonna say I was calling instead, but I knew he could ask Sarah or Eva if I said it was one of them. Then it made me v sad that that’s where my mind had gone right away. I don’t like feeling like I have to lie but I am also in the wrong, am I not? Calling another guy I used to have a crush on.

“You okay?”

It made me feel like crying when Oliver asked.

“Yeah, sorry. I got distracted”

I thought that was it and that I could worry about Sammy later and debate whether

Doorbell.

10:49pm  Sammy was at the door and he didn’t look upset at all. All he said was:

“Line was busy, just wanted to see you”

He just said that and we held hands at the door and then he kissed me before leaving. Oliver’s bedroom light was still on. I could have sworn I saw his curtains move, but I think am just a bad person for even focusing on that.

July 22nd

6:13pm  Went looking for Oliver’s mixtape today. I’m a very bad person.

Found it though!

6:55pm  This list is v good. I might be a genius! Maybe should become a DJ.

July 23rd

10:31am  Decided to be an adult and to prove myself I got no feelings for Oliver anymore I will give him the tape.

11:01am  Went to Oliver’s convinced someone was going to see me and accuse me of cheating. V stupid idea but just in case refused to come in and waited for Mr. Wood to let Oliver know I was there. He ran down the stairs and I hate how happy I was to see him. Hate hate to think he looked happy to see me too. Gave him the tape and walked away immediately.

“Just some songs I like, wanted to share them with you”

That’s a very normal thing to say to someone. He won’t read into it because at the end of the day all songs are love songs.

August 11th

2:14pm  Saw Oliver through my window today. Sort of hoped he could have looked up but I would have ducked anyway. I wonder what he’s up to lately. Got Eva’s birthday later. No idea what to wear. Maybe some jeans.

August 16th

Mum said Mr. Wood mentioned how they were going on vacation to his sister’s country house near London and Oliver would catch the train to school from there. Wish I could go to London some time.

July 2nd 

11:39am  Mum said Oliver Wood called last night but I wasn’t home. Sammy and I went to the movies in his car, his dad’s been letting him use it since he got his license on the first try. It’s a fine car but it feels a bit cold and I don’t really like it, can’t really explain it. Very much prefer walking. Should call Oliver.

July 3rd

2:01am  Just got off the phone with Oliver. Called him around eleven because I thought maybe Sammy would ring and interrupt but had forgotten he got Adam’s birthday today which I wasn’t invited to. Didn’t want to go anyway but still.

“Hello?”

God, am a terrible person. Will you forgive me?

“Hey! It’s me. Mum told me you called yesterday”

“Yeah, wanted to know how you were”

Why is he still calling after we drifted apart last summer? I abandoned him and he was calling me the moment he got home. Stop.

Small talk always flows so easily with Oliver because I actually care about if he thinks the weather is nice and he listens to me when I explain why windy days actually feel very nice as long as there’s some sun. I don’t know when in the conversation I started to feel strange, and asked him

“Remember when you played Fast Car for me?”

I think he was surprised I asked because there was a small pause.

“Yeah, why?”

“Been thinking about that song again lately. Seems stuck in my head these days. Now that I’m older and understand the lyrics it makes me sad”

I heard some shuffling on the other end, and he went very quiet for a long time.

“Saw Sammy dropping you off on his car last night”

That’s all he said and it was enough to make me tear up a bit. I didn’t even try to hide it. I think Oliver is the only person I’ve ever cried in front of. Maybe because I know he won’t hate me for it

“She’s so sad in that song”

“I bet she is” his voice sounded very soft, and I really missed when he was lying next to me and I could hear him so clearly but we can’t do that anymore “I listened to your mixtape a lot this last year. I’m not supposed to take this sort of stuff to school but I didn’t get caught”

“Back then I put Fast Car in the mix but it’s not much of a love song, isn’t it” I laughed to myself, because am not a kid anymore and now I have to understand the lyrics and things like that.

“Was it supposed to be a love mix?” asked Oliver and I swear I felt my heart stop. I thought I’d die.

“I mean, the whole mixtape is like that” I said trying to not sound embarrassed. Luckily or maybe because he could tell I was nervous he dropped the love song mix issue

“Except Walk Away”

“Yeah, because I know you liked it. And you know, it was a memory from us”

“And Sammy” he said but it didn’t feel like he wanted to say it. I had forgotten Sammy had come with us to watch Bill and Ted that one time.

“But we went alone the second time”

I heard him laugh softly on the other end.

“True. I think I liked it more the second time too. Any good movies lately?”

“Have you watched My Girl?”

July 14th

22:56pm  My hands are still shaking but I really need to write about this before I feel my heart explode and am also trying to remember everything that happened. Am not very sure what happened because today was a very normal day but now it’s all gone to shit and it’s my fault and I feel like something very wrong has happened.

Oliver rang today and told me he watched My Girl. He had rung yesterday as well to let me know he had walked to blockbuster and rented it and if there was some sort of trap because the guy at the counter told him “good luck” when he handed him the tape. He was very mad when he rang today after watching it.

“That was foul! What sort of bloody movie is that?”

That was the first time I heard the sound of someone calling my line but I ignored it because I really wanted to hear Oliver’s opinion of it.

“Did you cry?”

“Did you want me to?”

“I know you did” could hear the break in his voice and he kept sniffling.

I don’t know how long we talked about the movie but at some point Oliver went quiet.

“What is it?” I asked.

He said “nothing. My line’s acting weird”

And after a long time of talking to each other Oliver’s mum’s voice came through the phone. She said Sammy was at the door and wanted to speak with him. I stood up from my bed and when I looked through the window I saw he was actually standing there.

“Hold on. Don’t go outside, okay?” Oliver said in a very serious way before he put the phone down and walked away.

There was no way i wouldn’t go down because. This was my fault. I was so worried that I didn’t bother changing my house clothes and just put on my trainers and came outside. When I crossed the street Oliver had already come out and closed the fron door behind him. I really felt like my heart was in my throat and I felt so hot I thought I’d faint.

“Where you talking to my girl?”

Sammy car was parked on the side of the road, and the lights sort of made his shadow look too large and scary.

“Don’t call her that” Oliver said, and when he saw me getting closer something in the way he looked at me made me stop. Think he wanted me to leave. But couldn’t leave him there by himself. Not because he couldn’t win a fight but because it’s because of me he was mixed in this.

“Or what. What do you have to say to her exactly, uh?”

“We were just talking”

“About what. You show up every summer like a, like a-- You don’t know her, and you need to leave her alone”

“I’m not having this conversation with you”

Oliver sounded very calm but something about him felt off. I knew that Sammy wasn’t going to win the fight. And in a way that made me happy. Because I’m a terrible person.

“Oh, now you don’t want to talk?”

It was seeing Sammy pushing Oliver that made me walk up to them and try to get in the middle. I don’t think Sammy even knew I had been standing there and when he saw me he looked even angrier. I don’t know what I said or what happened but at some point I got pushed onto the pavement and I lost sight of what was going on. I heard them both yelling and the sound of them fighting. There was a lamppost that exploded out of nowhere and gave me the biggest fright. All the lights on the street seemed to be going crazy, and Sammy and Oliver were now grabbing at each other on the ground as well. I kept hoping an adult would show up, that Mr. And Ms. Wood would hear the noise and come outside.

When I got up from where I had fallen I saw Oliver above Sammy on the ground. His face was really red and he was pressing something long and thin against Sammy’neck. It looked like a stick or something but definitely nothing too dangerous, probably he got it from the ground. Don’t think Sammy knew what it was either, which is probably why he looked so scared, his nose was bleeding and his eyes were very wide.

Then Ms. And Mr Wood finally showed up and hurried Oliver inside. He tried to help me get up but his mum was hysterically dragging him inside saying something like “they’ll be here any second” and took the stick from his hand. She didn’t throw it away but instead put it on her pocket.

I was so frightened to be left there with Sammy but he just stood up and got into his car without even looking at me. He drove away in his shitty car and I got up while a neighbour stared at me with concern but no intention to actually help me out.

My hand still hurts from where I fell. I wonder when I should call Oliver, but everything is so

23:03pm  Saw some people coming inside Oliver’s house, about four of them. Guess that’s what his mum was on about, maybe relatives? It would have been so awful to have fought like that in front of his family. How am I supposed to break up with Sammy now? Maybe Oliver could help me with that. Maybe Sammy got the clue. I don’t even think he likes me that much, at least not lately. I don’t want to get on his bloody cold car anymore.

23:07pm Oliver’s relatives came outside. Two of them went away and the others are walking around the street.

23:08pm  Crossing here now. Maybe they will tell my parents about the fight? God, that’s so embarrassing, and they’ll be worried sick

Doorbell

23:10pm  I’m going to see what they want, will write whatever I hear in a bit

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