Euphoria

Most likely

Jongseob- His sun in Scorpio, moon in cancer (if we say that his rising is Taurus and all that), Venus in Capricorn and mars in Taurus are massive indicators that he is very much home-oriented and overall. His (probably) second house moon in cancer is a HEAVY implication bc the planet corresponding to the second house is the moon (okay, no planet) and guess who’s sign is ruled by the moon? Cancer! That’s like a duplication of it!

Theo- Hmm, cancer in sun, moon in Scorpio and a Venus in Taurus, you’re getting what I‘m hinting at? Again, many important planets that are filled with water and earth signs. But especially his Venus in Taurus is very telling bc Taurus is the sign that seeks domestic, stability and much more things that are seemingly connected with what we as a society connect with home etc.

Jiung- Yes, Very air dominant with his sun in libra and moon in Gemini (same moon hey!) but his (probably) Virgo rising, Virgo Venus and Capricorn Mars do tell me that he has a need to atleast try and have a domestic life, a devoted life in that manner, that is build on clearness and communication (air placements). What ranks him lower however is his mars in the 5th house (probably) and a mars in the 5th house rather seeks out adventure and the overall freedom of ones expression and with his moon and sun, it does tell me that this will be a reason as to why he‘d be a father later in life when his needs of independence is satisfied

Keeho- So similar to Jiung but then his moon in Aquarius just comes in and fucks him right there. I love Aquariuses in every shape and form mainly because their desire of individuality is so high that in a way it destroys the image society wants to create for us. Yes, his Venus and mars (both the same with Jiung) are very domestic and devotion coded but its his inner world, his moon, that might make that process of getting to the point where you’re ready for children, a long, long, long one.

Intak- I think these two share the place, mainly bc Intaks birthchart is so earth sign filled (mainly Virgo, his full as birth chart is like filled with it and that actually scares me) and that lowkey gives me the chills because that could imply that he very much destroys himself on having things perfect. If he hypothetically wants to have children, he might as well wants to give the child the best he could give and well, a perfectionist goes insane when doing that in a way. So I take that as a sign that he‘ll wait for a even longer time to commit to such a nerve wrecking thing (atleast for him)

Soul- he definitely has my DREAM birthchart tbh. Like wdym your entire main birthchart is filled with air signs all for your Venus? That’s like amazing (a nice way to justify why you don‘t wanna be in traditional relationship). But he definitely does not seek a traditional life. His Aquarius sun and mercury are very telling on this one. But also his Mars in Sagittarius is like the perfect example as to why he (if he would be forced ofc) would have children VERY VERY VERY late. He is a explorer, he is the black sheep, he is the person you don‘t want to date if you’re a hard blown earth sign because he is just a one man show at times (if he doesn’t click with you ofc after that his Capricorn Venus is very present if you ask me). So in conclusion, my man, my goat, my Soul is definitely the person who one) might not want to have children and two) definitely doesn’t want a typical relationship aswell

Least likely

Again, don‘t take this as serious, I‘m basically a newbie when it comes to birthcharts and shit, it was fun looking into their birthchart (especially Intaks and souls bc holy fuck). Feel free to say some more stuff in the comments, every single comment is like speed for me bc astrology is so damn interesting.

But how could it? The teacher was even guiding you towards the classroom with that sweet, reassuring, smile. You shouldn’t be so worried, anxious, or nervous about entering that classroom, but in a way, you are because it's an entire new world you’re getting exposed to. But nothing will happen if you’re cool and not doing anything wrong.

The eyes of curiosity as you entered the room didn't go unnoticed by you. If anything, the situation began to feel worse for you. The kids looked lovely, though, everyone was so unique in their own way that it was hard to find a plain person. And one even was a fan of the same show you were, perhaps you could talk to them if nothing goes wrong. “So, mind introducing yourself to the class?“

That was your ultimate clue, your time to shine and not the chance you can fuck up. You smiled at the teacher for the last time, stepping forward so you could be the focus of the moment and holding your nervousness together by the strong grip you had on both of your hands. “Hi! I‘m Y/N. I‘m about 7, turning 8 this year, and I like to play football and read. I hope we can have a great time“ Though, receiving applause back then did have its effect on your ego, you would nowadays question the malice of such a thing as clapping.

The hand of your teacher found your shoulder again while their finger pointed at a boy next to an empty desk. “That boy is Jiung, and he will help you for the first few days until you’re settled in. He even convinced the person next to him to switch seats, cool, right?“ You couldn't help yourself but to nod uncertainly. Though despite everything, you still went along the path that led you towards your new desk.

It was much further behind than the one you had at your old school. How much you would miss it would be revealed the further you are from here. But you did miss it a bit already, just a tiny bit. “Hi, I‘m Jiung. I also like to play football, we can play with my friends in the break if you want to“ Up close, he looked even more soft, more homey, than from the first impression you had of him. There was this harmony all over his face, so neat, so belonging, and just making you feel better while having this nervousness all over you.

A smile found your face, one that Jiung thought was cute, and a quick nod followed before you focused on the teacher. Jiung, however, kept on catching glances at you. Your presence was new, something he felt responsible for taking care of. Which was true, he volunteered to help you anyway. It probably worsened his interest in you, but nonetheless, as much as this is a new thing for you, your presence is also something beautifully new for him.

First hanging out

It wasn’t long until you could call Jiung your friend. He was kind, he was funny, and he took your weirdness that you displayed as something not frightening. It seemed like your troubling thoughts seemed to have disappeared as he took you under his little, steady yet clumsy, care. You couldn't complain, though, if anything, Jiung showed you that there are things you can enjoy even more than others.

For example, the mere thought of hanging out after school was bearable now. Back at your old school, you, in a way or two, seemed to only have had friends at school, none in private. A tragedy for a child as young as you that needs to thrive on human connections for a later, well-done social life. But Jiung pulled you out of your isolating bubble, the never-asking because you were never sure, and the silent yearning, with a simple domination of the conversation. A simple “Wanna meet after school?“ became your new opium.

Though, you weren’t sure what that was, just something you saw on those documentaries once.

It was nice being around Jiung's family, the warmth it displayed, and the belonging you always felt when you were with him. So in your own little way, you tried to pay it back by inviting him to yours. Your house was closer to school anyway and had a much, much bigger garden than his. Mainly because it was an apartment complex and the garden was shared by everyone, but you used that argument with pride. Though, Jiung would’ve gone to yours anyway, with or without a stupid argument.

It was tiring, however, walking all these steps to get to the elevator and up to your flat, but it must’ve been more nerve-wracking to you than to any 7-year-old kid. It’s not like you were ashamed of living in a flat while Jiung lived in a house, it was just a feeling that something is noticeable that you can't envision right now. “Do you guys have any pets?“ He asked, bringing you back to the front of your senses, less hidden by all the thoughts that always ran through your head.

“My mom had some snakes before we moved, but currently we don't have any“ You wondered, inside your oh-so-growing mind, if Jiung ever had such racing thoughts as well. If his heart also seems to run on all the imaginary drugs it doesn't, and all the possibilities that will never come true. Were you even too young to have such processes happening inside your head? “Snakes? How cool! Why did you guys give them up?“

A chuckle escaped you. Despite having the answer right in front of his eyes, he still wants to hear it from you. How adorable, at least in a way. “We used to live at a house, before my parents divorced, y'know? And we had the space, but now, well, you have to see for yourself“ Even though you were just 7 years old and naive as much as your mother can't handle, you still got a key. It was the best decision your mother could make, after all, you’re always coming home when she’s at work. And besides, you’re 7 and not 4!

Your hand quickly turned the key around and opened the door so Jiung could make the picture of your home as soon as possible. Oh, what an impatient child you can be to yourself! “Ah, you guys don‘t have the space anymore because most of it is covered in books and all these other art stuff“ You nodded eagerly, pointing to the place where he could leave his school bag for the time being. “But it‘s mostly something she doesn’t read. She used to, back when we were a family, but nowadays she’s too overworked to do anything other than work, I guess“

The appreciation of keeping the house clean was being actively ignored as you allowed Jiung and yourself to walk over the carpet with your dirty shoes. Just something you need to do later, you can worry about that when the time comes. “Isn’t that sad for you?“ You quickly shrugged your shoulder, not wanting to talk about it that much. You can't even find the proper words to talk about it, let alone even have the need to properly do something about it. So after you made your guest their glass and took a glance at them, you noticed how they looked at the pictures at the wardrobe.

“That’s my baby picture, the only one I seem to have, I guess“ You exclaimed with such pride that Jiung almost gasped in disbelief. The mere imagination of only having one childhood picture would’ve made Jiung question if he was even loved by his parents. Are you loved by your parents? Is he even the right person to question that? Is he even allowed to feel so empathetic towards a feeling you seem not to express? Oh, his thoughts, so young yet so old, how he wished he could turn them all off.

He watched as your finger went to certain details and you began to explain them. The guilt that he had unjustified began to become too much for him, his eyes and head quickly turning to you. “Can we go outside? It’s too hot for me here. We can play football down there, right?“ Your eyes widened, and you turned to him. Your eyes began to linger over his brown ones. You liked how they looked, reminds you of a feeling you can't describe yet, but it feels amazing though.

“Of course! Thought you'd never asked! I even got like 5 footballs that we can all shoot up over the roof“ You were talking yourself and Jiung up as you fastly approached the wardrobe where the footballs were hidden at. Jiung, however, despite not needing to, felt relieved at the happiness that you had because of some stupid balls. Better than any pride you shouldn’t feel and some pity he can‘t display now and should‘ve.

First time being reckless

It wasn’t until your early teen years, the start of something new, that you decided to let loose of whatever had been holding you back all these years ago. Of course, the overthinking is an aspect that gets even worse as one gets older, but small snippets of social etiquette were slowly disappearing from your mind as the hormones began to take over you. Jiung wasn’t better though, as it is usual for boys his age, his boldness took over his brain, and the safety he wants to keep you two in began to slowly disappear from his priorities. He is getting dragged by a leash by you at this point.

So now you've got yourself in the situation where a normal brain would completely start retracing the steps until it's back at the time when the plan wasn’t even made. You, however, weren’t even close to having a normal brain. You couldn't guess why you found the idea so interesting, so intriguing, but if you would’ve been asked years later, you would’ve planned it on adrenaline. Not even the idea, not even the presence of Jiung. Okay, maybe partially because of him.

As your hands began to turn on the faucet of the school's bathroom, Jiung stood protectively in front of the bathroom door, waiting for anyone to cross so he could tell you and get you two out of trouble. “Are you even sure you can throw them up to the wall?“ He asked, eyes finding your figure for a second. You snorted, taking one of the toilet paper rolls in your hand to get it wet. Completely wet. Disgustingly wet.

“Do you think I can‘t? It’s not that high!“ And you aren’t that tall yet. But Jiung wasn’t the right person and at the right time to say such snarky comments. So his head turned to the outside again. He was nervous, to say the least. He could’ve stayed in the classroom and listened to the teacher, but when you suggested doing it over break and seemingly were so into it, he couldn’t have disagreed.

It sucked not being in the same class anymore, so this might be the only way to really be close without people being all around you because you two actually managed to have friends outside the other. He liked the closeness you two have, even more when you two are at school. “On three though, alright?“ You took a deep sigh, eyes glancing up to the ceiling before you counted down softly. While your arm acted on its own and your eyes were closed, you knew you succeeded when you heard the bang.

“Holy shit! That actually worked!“ You exclaimed with all the excitement you had, Jiung soon following with applause and feet that were getting closer to you. However, you didn't stay still, your body soon dragged other rolls over the water. “Try it yourself, dude!“ Despite having this weird mess of paper on his hands, he still nodded eagerly and soon followed your actions of earlier. As the happiness mixed with pride filled his system, you clapped like a little kid on crack.

Though something you never saw but something that might be the closest to what you are feeling.

“Come on! More! More!“ Jiung and you began to eagerly giggle and throw the rolls of unused paper, useless trees dying for that paper, towards the air where it stuck on the ceiling. Your arm even began to hang over his shoulder as you two loudly celebrated yourselves. “It’s art, isn’t it?“ you asked rhetorically, your eyes glued to the victory as your best friend was already looking outside the building. “Definitely is-“ His sudden self-made interruption made you silent as well.

Jiung is quieter than you, but whenever he’s in his element, it stays most of the time for a longer period, so for him to be quiet, tells you that something is wrong. The nonverbal conversation between you two through your looks told the other everything you needed to get your things and make a run for the money. Your hand brushed his as you exited the bathroom and was quickly held by his as you ran down the hall, trying to beat your curiosity and not turn around to see who it was. One wrong move and you guys are fucked after all.

While Jiung took charge to get you towards a safe place. You were trying to make up the face the person would make when they entered that room and saw the small act of rebellion you two showcased. Man, that was all just a small rebellious act for you, and you were too much in it to think of any other possibility of interpretation. Even if this were going to end badly for you, you would still enjoy every single moment of it. You weren’t sure why, but you didn‘t even need to know a why.

Heck, people were doing worse at your age. Some bully others, use hateful slurs, and never get any trouble because of it. If they were going to punish you, then it would just show you how much they protect others for worse. You and society would win either way. But you were pulled back to reality when you two found a place to hide, right behind the school where usually some smokers enjoyed their break. When the adrenaline washed over your body, a loud laugh escaped you despite having the need to catch your breath.

“That was so cool! Right?“ Your eyes shoot up to look at his. A smile was all over his face, and a small chuckle or two was breathed by him. Man, he really had such a beautiful aura around him. A warm orange, if you were asked to describe it. You wouldn’t have done this without him, not by any chance. “We definitely will get caught, but it was 100% worth it!“ His back leaned against the wall, his eyes slowly opening to glance at you.

So enamored by your presence, so comfortable and refreshed by your recklessness. That’s all that Jiung could say right now when asked why he even did that. He would’ve hated it if others suggested this to him, but you just make it work. “Can we stay like this for a while? Until we figure out a way to get back to class without getting caught?“ He confessed, his eyebrows furrowed because of the lack of air and strength in his body.

You smirked with a raised eyebrow before nodding. “I would’ve suggested it anyway. Not like we'll miss anything important anyway with the teachers we have“ And where you were right, you tend to be right.

First cry

It’s been some weeks for you for sure. More work from school that you couldn't keep up with unless you were ready to greet a decent grade instead of a good one, more boxes you had to pack because you and your mother were moving, and even more profane actions that fill out your schedule ahead of time. No way to really relax in a way.

Well, that's something you would say if you didn't have your Jiung to give you the space to relax. Even if it was just his house, his family, and a beautiful garden where the flowers of last season need to be cropped out and new ones to be settled in. This change of action was much more relaxing to you than any other thing on your mental list. Mainly because you got to do it with him. Jiung, your other side.

No one has ever managed to hold you tight without touching you, making you feel grounded with simple words and showing you such generosity that you became used to it. And he still made you laugh, he was still being a fool with you, and he still was himself despite doing so much for you. The optimism that he showed you while being so human gave even more reasons to love him. Beyond what society deems fit for a friendship

But you didn‘t care that much if he‘d ever return such feelings you have. Sure, you had a few scenarios running through your head whenever you tried to sleep but couldn't, but you didn‘t care at the end if he‘d ever see you the way you see him. It's his presence that you want and need, not the lusting and openness of your guy's affection in a more skin-ship kind of way.

Though, what were you saying? You were supposed to help him plant new plants, plant new life in this rotting garden. Well, maybe not rotting but definitely closely dying. Your eyes slowly flickered to Jiung, his body language steady, his eyes softly focused on the job he needs to do. The desire to open up a fire, a conversation, between you two began wider, almost impossible for you to dodge. So you took a deep breath and just fell on your back.

A dramatic and humorous start to the bit that Jiung needs to care about.

He did, with a raised eyebrow and a smile on his face. His finger, covered in a dirty glove, even pointed at you with a pretentious, teasing mood behind it. “Are you that tired out?“ He asked, with honesty lingering between the lines. You nodded your head, still pretending in a way for him. Yes, things tire you out, but never this. Never this. “It’s so tiring being here and watching you do the work your mom assigned for you! Oh, how goddamn tiring!“

Jiungs and your eyes stared at each other for a while before two massive smiles found the other's face. “Are you honest though? Are you that tired out? From watching me?“ You know he’s asking from a place of curiosity and rhetoricalism, but you snorted nonetheless. Every chance you can get to get your mind off so many things is getting used to its fullest intent. For today and forever until you die of your failures. “If I'm honest, then you would be the worst friend possible for not noticing that“

Your body went up again, eyes first lingering over his hands that were working again and then back to his face that was turned to you. “But fortunate for you, I was lying“ Jiung turned his face away from you, but you could still see his smile at the corner of his face. Such a wonderful smile he had! “Something worries you either way, right? You seem not yourself the second you got here“ There was no reason for you to lie at all when it comes to him. In all the scenarios where you lied to him, he figured it out no matter how hard you tried not to.

So you sighed, as loud as your pathetic ass could. “A lot of school, packing, and small routines in between. It’s like I just never have the time to be, I don't know, not stimulated?“ His eyes, his body, his actions weren’t directed at you, but through the small hums that you usually hated by others, you felt a sense of conversation, and acknowledgement behind them. “Is this part of it?“ As quick as it left his mouth, you shouted back a never in a louder tone than needed. Perhaps because Jiung wouldn’t believe you otherwise. He’s a caring person, of course.

“I'm glad, or else I would’ve sent you home to rest before you got to see this!“ He turned to you again and guided your head with his hand towards the end product of his hard work. A shock wave made you silent. It wasn’t just any flowers. He seemed to have painted with them. Jiung made a replica of a night sky with the flowers. Jiung would’ve expected you to openly celebrate him at the second's passing, but you were silent.

Your eyes were on the little white tulip in the middle of the little painting. So alone, yet so surrounded by the fierce force of the cosmos. No worries but the rational end of its life. Nothing that society expects it to be but physical evidence of theories that disprove any made-up thing, such as religion. It doesn’t even know its role that it has in life here on earth. You do though, and it‘s tiring. The need to be better than average, the need to get everything ready so everything goes smoothly when you move, and the need to still live in that society of extracurriculars.

Maybe it's the massive taurine that floods your system, but the emotional distress you were experiencing right now was getting to you. Jiung didn't even wait for you to speak for yourself before he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close. He was surprised to see you like this, he was usually the one who cried in front of you, but nonetheless, he seemed to manage to pull you into comfort anyway. His soft reassuring whispers gave you the strength you needed to allow yourself to cry just a tiny bit.

Despite sitting on the grass and knowing how much you will regret it later. But if not with Jiung then with whom?

First moment of catching feelings

As the sweet sixteens came rolling around like thunder on a jinxed day, you were being dead set on planning the birthday of a friend of the two of you. You weren’t exactly sure how to throw a surprise party correctly, especially on a big scale such as a sweet sixteen, but you were confident enough to try it and get your ass motivated to do it.

All their interests, all their ambitions, and all their dreams were written inside your journal anyway. A lovely way of keeping your loved ones close to you. You weren’t going around and writing shit down as it happened, but every now and then you kept your tabs open and just wrote down everything you still remembered. Jiung and other old friends might have a longer list, but your friend who you’re doing this with now is such an intense talker that she came close to Jiung after a year max.

Your hands softly touched the fabric of the skin of the later-filled balloon with the number 16 on it. Furrowed eyebrows were all over your face as you inspected the material as much as possible. “Anything wrong with it?“ Jiung asked to your left. He seemed to have lifted your locked-in glare as you raised your eyebrow. Instead of answering, though, you slid the item to his hands. “I don't feel anything wrong, is there some knowledge of balloon fabric you require that I don't know of?“ It was a mere joke, you were aware of it, but you still indulged in it as if it were a serious matter.

“Feels like it’s born to make a boom more than others“ Not your greatest choice of words, but for a soft giggle made by Jiung, you saw no problem in doing it. “You can feel that?“ You nodded, getting another type of balloon for him to touch. “Look! This one feels and even looks rougher, while the other has this soft attitude“ Jiung stopped in his tracks when he heard your choice of words and began keeping his eyes on you in this confusing matter. “Are you high, or why are you throwing around words like that?“

His laughter made you glance up from your turmoiling issue and even stopped your veiled thoughts for a bit. You waited until he stopped his happiness on his own and gave you the room to talk again. Your hand softly touched his for a second before you put the wrong item back on the shelf. “I guess I just don't want anything to go wrong when it comes to her birthday“ The chosen balloon quickly found its way to the cart, and your feet moved along the aisle again. By the look of all the items in this shop and your list in your hand, you knew you‘d be here more than expected.

“Really? You care that much?“ In an instant, you snapped your head behind you just so you could stare into his face so much that he felt warmth on his cheeks. “Yes, anything wrong with liking the fact that you can make a friend feel loved?“ The attention that was once on him disappeared in mere seconds when you turned your head away from him again. His hands were deeply gripping the cart as he pushed it around.

He’s doing it for the same reason as you too, but when he looks at you, your instant confidence confirms that unconditional, selfless love towards your friend, he stopped the climax he was approaching with the teasing beforehand.

Wow.

It's not that he was somewhat surprised; you displayed affection, compassion, and other wonderful endearing stuff before, but this almost dominant way that you showed him made him feel special. Not that he was special, if anything, you were the special one, he just feels things that are special. He was starstruck without ever having seen a star. He was enamored by you and by the actions you showed.

Wait. What on earth was he even saying to himself?

Jiung always admired you. Jiung admired your love, your boldness, and your thoughts years ago, but now it seems to have turned into more than anything that he can look at and admire. Now, he wants to be like you, he wants to be more than what you let him be because it was comfortable for him. And he knows that he could endeavor on such beautiful inspirational journeys because you will never let him feel bad for falling in the end.

Yes. You know better than anyone how he deserves to be treated, and he liked it in every aspect. Man, he wants that feeling forever, truly forever. Until one dies and the memories fade in the mind but never on paper. Yes, he wants you and him to exist together forever. No one can make him happier than you, and he will try his hardest to give you that possibility as well.

Is this love? That forsaken feeling that gets passed around through tales that family and society tell you when you’re young and so naive? They weren’t lying, right? If they didn't, then Jiung might now realize how much he loved you like one might love a partner who’s sleeping next to them, who drinks from the same bottle, whose life is his as well.

Jiung loves you, and when he’s next to you, he feels fine with it. After all, it's all he ever knew and all he wants to know.

First kiss

Such a beautiful Saturday night. The birds are tweeting outside, the sun is going down, and the money you spent on her birthday actually made it better. Her parents and you halved the cost of that party, but either way, seeing your money being thrown around with alcohol, music, decorations, and much, much, much adrenaline from said alcohol does make you smile.

While the surprise in itself was the hardest task to keep hidden, the planning, decorating, and eventual letting her in were all worth it. You have to admit that all the happiness that she showed to you, the party, and her birthday was beyond beautiful. It reminded you why you did this in the first place. To let her feel so loved as she never has before. It’s the positivity that gets you doing. At least that was your conclusion.

The music began to drown your ears as the DJ, who’s also the birthday girl's brother, played a bunch of nostalgic 2000s songs. Some black-eyed peas, some Britney Spears, and all the other artists that were popular back then. You were definitely too much into this shit to actually think clearly. Especially when the dancefloor seems to explode in that feeling only teenagers seem to have.

Your hands gently took the ones of one of your friends before slowly circling around, the music beginning to resemble more of a melancholy mood. Though, despite it being so melancholic, you enjoyed the closeness it provided for you and your friend. Such a beautiful face she had, such an interesting smile. While you were head over heels for Jiung, you couldn't deny how pretty and admirable others looked in your eyes. Even more if they’re girls, Jesus, the way society made you all live just seems to bond you for life, make you more interesting.

You could go on about your subtle love for the community of marginalized people such as women, but your friend quickly stopped you when you noticed how pale her face looked. “Shit, don't throw up on me or the dance floor“ Your hand reached her shoulder, and you began guiding her out of the crowd. “Let‘s get you somewhere nice, alright?“ Well, the bathroom of your friend was nice, you spent some nice hours shitting there once, but you weren’t exactly focused on that. You were more worried about the guilt creeping in.

You could’ve looked out for her after all. That’s part of your role in your entire, massive friend group. You loved that role, and now you seem to have killed your position. Or you were spiraling fast. Probably the last one, because the sigh you left out when she finally threw up at the right spot made all worries less. “God damn, who throws up here?“ You snapped your head towards the culprit and found Jiung as the identification you needed to relax once more. You would’ve jumped him if he wasn't, you know, Jiung, but you don‘t have to think about it anymore.

“Ami did. Why? Want to see the awful and quite beautiful vomit? Huh?“ Your sinister smile as your hand leaned against the doorframe made Jiung smile right back, his head arguably trying to get him a view of your friend vomiting her life out. “Nah, just curious? Did you guys drink so much already?“ You raised your eyebrow, your memory trying to recall how many drinks she already used to overflow her stomach. You held up a few fingers, eyes once again on your friend, and then your mouth spoke. “I didn‘t drink though“

Now that got his eyebrow raised. His hand found his hip, and an obnoxious energy entered his body. “You, and not drinking? What has happened to my beautiful best friend who I’ve seen benched over some toilets more than I can count?“ Yeah, that was true. You were that kind of drinker who does too much too fast, which results in vomiting yourself. You get his point. But that doesn’t stop you from gently hitting him, teasing, and joking about intentions behind them. “I‘m not drinking because I need to get her and the others home, and if everyone’s drunk, then everyone will die!“ Dramatic, you knew that as well, but at that moment, you thought you said the best things to describe your reason.

“Why aren’t you drunk? Or have you found a new way of hiding it?“ Jiung chuckled and began playing with his finger. Awful habit of nervousness, but why with you? You two have known each other for ages, as if things began to be different all of a sudden. “I just don't want to, I guess? Kinda not the greatest thing after all“ Instead of you answering, Ami began to lift her head and loudly hum in agreement. His finger even pointed at her to support his argument, as if you would ever disagree with him.

“Well, you do what you want to do. I'll get Ami to the couch, and then I'm free to dance if you want to?“ His hum filled the scene, and his shaking head followed. While you waited for him to say anything at all, your hands began to fix your friend's face as good as possible. From puke, to hair and makeup. All neat for her to dance again. “I was thinking that we could talk outside and swing on the swings, y‘know? Because that's a typical party thing- at least I think so“ God damn, he was nervous, but for what forsaken reason? You were just you, and Ami is too drunk to notice any weird behaviors anyway. Yet, you didn’t want to make him uncomfortable enough, so you stopped your paragraph inside your head and simply agreed.

“I‘ll leave you next to the bathroom so you can go if you need to throw up again, alright? I'm gonna get you some water real quick and then go outside to Jiung, okay?“ You weren’t the type of person to wait for answers, and this time it was no different. You did your last task of taking care of her before engaging in a side quest just for you and Jiung. If Ami had been loud enough, you would’ve been able to hear her encouraging and lovely words towards the indication of making out with Jiung. But you didn't, and you would’ve been too flustered to look at him in the eyes if you did.

Fate was on your side when it came to this, so you went in as normal and comfortable as you always did when you were with Jiung. “There I am again, bitch! Did you miss me or did you miss me?“ Jiungs quiet nature soon erupted with laughter because he was quite amused by your choice of words. Your feet began to swing you from side to side instead of from front to back, and your eyes looked at his. So illuminated by the light of the night and the ones from inside. Yeah, guess you find everything beautiful. Even such mundane things like that.

“You’re unbelievable“ He came to a conclusion, and you came to hit him in the hips with your own hip on the swing. “But at least not boring like other people“ Your attention swaved to the view in front of you. The stars existing, the water moving, and the air being ordinarily plain. Jiung's eyes were the ones to stare now. All of your essences were now here, in front of him and not focused on other things.

Ever since he figured out that he loved you the way he does, he tried to make the move. He knew you two would be fine if feelings weren’t returned, so he took his pride and tried his best to find a time. But no time was right until now. Jiung was so close to it all, and he goes over the hill for you. He will confess.

“Y/N?“ He waited for you to turn your eyes towards him, but you didn‘t. Not because you didn't want to face him or anything, you just thought you already looked at him. He’s a star, he’s the water and he’s the air you’re so used to that you don‘t need to notice the importance of it. “Love, I need you to look at me“ A slowly approaching smile began to smother your face, and those eyes that he wanted to see so much soon looked at him. All know nothing at all.

“I love you“ Your smile became bigger at the appreciation you received. Your eyes almost dangled back to the scenery, but Jiung didn‘t let you. His body on the swing made contact with yours, and his hands wrapped themselves around your face. Softly, patiently, waiting for the disapproval. But none ever followed. “I love the way you care for people in your own way, how you challenge me to become something better, and how you exist just so in tune with what you’re given inside your head. In all my years of knowing you, I watched as you disappeared less into your thoughts and Jesus. I never wanted to do that more than when I look at you“

Your hand supported your almost shaking body on the swing, his words continuing to spill and paint the bigger picture. “I want to feel that constantly. I want us to always inspire, tease, love the other, and I don't care how, I just want it“ He sighed, yet both of your lungs were knocked out from any air. “I guess I love you. Intensively, unconditionally, and inspirationally" Well, you don‘t think the last one is actually a word, but you count it as one when you get the big, reflecting idea that he showed you.

It just had to make you laugh as softly as you possibly could. “I guess you just said all the things I supposedly love about yourself as well“ Your face leaned in closer without any doubt behind it, and Jiung softly whispered a “Really?“ that you just confirmed with touching his face and kissing him as perfectly as you could. Which would be average because your last kiss you had was around 8 years ago back in 4th grade.

As you pulled back and saw the shimmer in his eyes, your smile became a full-blown grin. “You're amazing, you really are, Y/N“ His hand caressed your face for a few more seconds before he removed it. A big mistake, though, as the tension became too much for the swing, and he got pulled backward until he fell off the swing in one go. Though, instead of feeling empathetic, you began to laugh as loudly as you ever did.

Your waving hands and the humor you displayed began to drown his embarrassment and pain inside and slowly replaced it with contentment. Yeah, despite being such an intense overthinker, Jiung was content with your happiness that was made because of his stupidity.

Jiung is content, Jiung is in love. And you are too, or else you wouldn’t have kissed him. Though that's something not important, it's more important to laugh now, at least for you too.

First time

Your old, probably not withstanding car was driving down the street of your first own apartment. Admission of the obvious time passing and the maturity you grew into was lazy, sloppy, and out of the blue, so you opted to not notice it at all. Sure, your skin was getting some obvious wrinkles from all the smiling you’ve done, and your hair is kept in ponytails instead of pigtails now, though, that's still not a reason to remark anything.

You loved it, if anything. The feeling that you get older, more suited in life while still remaining the exact same with your personality. Nothing wrong with aging at all. You looked forward to it already. Even if things go wrong, that's just the way life is.

As the car swerved to the parking lot of the complex you lived at. Your eyes stopped at the sight of yourself in the mirror. Those eyes staring at themselves. As if you were nervous for some reason. Well, you were, if you were honest with yourself. It wasn’t just any day, and it wasn’t just any date you were on. It was a special day, a sign of commitment, a new milestone in life. It was your 4th anniversary with your beautiful, talented, and amazing boyfriend, and it will go out with a bang.

Sex. You weren’t afraid to admit what you two have been planning to do today. Yet, you were nervous. Utterly nervous. It’s not like you were ashamed of it, god, you’ve been around too many sex-positive humans for that, but you doing it was new. At least with someone. You masturbated before; you know how to pleasure yourself alone, but with someone else, that's where the irrational fear starts to leak through.

You could underperform, he could be bad at it from your point of view, and you both could see each other differently afterwards. That’s why you even waited until you were 20 to do it. You just needed to be ready. You are. You are ready. But god, the thrill of it makes you so nervous. It’s just Jiung, though. Just your dearest Jiung, whom you’ve known for 13 years straight and loved for many as well. He would notice if you would feel weird, and you would too.

No need to be nervous.

So you sighed, eyes locked on the little gift you bought him before grabbing it and hastily exiting the car. It wasn’t anything too flashy, just a nice necklace with some interest of his as the motive and some rings to go along with it. The sight of him wearing that actually turned you on so much the other day that you even debated fucking the plan and fucking him right there. So now that you think of it, perhaps you just need to be horny enough, and you will lose that nervousness.

Your key quickly opened the door, your figure leaning against it as you closed it too. The apartment was dark, not much noise going on, but you could still feel his presence all around it. He must feel yours as well, and either way, you were a hundred percent going into this no matter what your fears tell you. You unwrapped yourself from your coat and shoes and left the box somewhere safer. When you entered the bathroom and saw a larger box right on the wardrobe, you smiled at yourself and let a laugh out.

Just so Jiung hears your excitement about the lingerie he bought you.

Sure, he could’ve gifted you a hundred more of the gifts from the years prior, but the reality that you were at now did make this more interesting. Lingerie, such an intimate and hot thing—he really had to think about that because he knows that you would side comment that if he couldn‘t get that right. But he was perfect when it came to knowing you, so you weren’t surprised when you saw your lingerie with your favorite color.

Jiung on the other end felt as awkward as he ever did. He was just standing in the room, patiently waiting for you to come to him all while not feeling sexy at all. If he’s not sexy to him, then who says that he’s sexy at all? Maybe he could lie on the bed, or he should sit on it, or he should just dig his grave right away. He might as well be more nervous about this than you are. But why should he compete with you? There is no real scale on nervousness on a topic such as sex.

But he wants this, he wants to be so close to you as he never has been. He wants to feel you, he wants to breathe you, he wants to make love with you. So he uses his reasons to calm himself down. Slowly, breath by breath, until you softly open the door and his eyes make contact with yours. “God damn, you-well-Jesus“ His hands covered his face, his mind trying to become linear again and comprehend you more clearly.

You, however, slowly approached him, your body being covered by a robe so you have more of a surprise effect. “Am I this beautiful to you?“ Now that got his head looking up and eyebrows stern. “Definitely, without a doubt. It’s just too much to say it all“ Your sly grin plastered around your face, your hand grabbing his to pull him towards you. “I‘m glad. Happy anniversary, by the way“ Your eyes sparkled, your eyes were so welcoming of his presence, and he could get lost in them. He always could, but now he felt it more than ever.

His hand gently brushed your cheek, pulling you closer, so close that your lips touched each other lingeringly. Jiung was trying to savor the moment before everything changes for the better or the worse. Either way, he will love you regardless. “Come on, kiss me, or else I'll get too impatient for the later shit“ His smile became wider for a second before he did just as you asked. Your hand went to touch his neck, intensifying the kiss as much as you possibly could.

Yep, you just needed to be horny enough to get most of your thoughts rolling away. The lingerie, the kiss, and the thrill all made it better for you.

“You’re astonishing at making me obsessed with kissing you, by the way“ You laughed against his skin when the confession left his lips, your hand softly tugging his hair. “How about you making me obsessed as well? You can do that, can‘t you?“ There was your teasing nature that he so desperately needs to calm himself down. His eyes were softly staring at yours, and you were looking right back at him. “Even if I mess up a few times?“ It was so humorous, yet so layered with honesty that you couldn't help but to answer with even more honesty.

“Makes me more connected to you. I‘m gonna mess up as well, so who cares if you do too?“ His eyebrow rose and his hands touched your waist, his thumb running circles. “Who says that? I won't let that happen!“ His grip tightened, and his body began to dominate the conversation by swinging the two of you around. Jiung seemed to still be as professional even when nervous. A true entertainer. Guess that's why he even fits his job so much.

“You can‘t decide that!“ You stated between your laughs. Jiung didn‘t let you speak more, his lips attacking your face and neck with kisses that tickled you so much that the laughter began to hurt your stomach. So instead of letting you two stay grounded, he moved you two to the bed, his body hovering over yours. You knew that he was trying his best to lighten the mood with simply getting his nervousness out of his system. Odd that he always does that with kissing and tickling you, but if it works, it might as well work. “You won, okay? Now stop or else I‘ll be too tired to do it with you!“

Jiung laughed one last time against your skin before his head emerged. “Man, we made it to the bed“ Your hand went to touch his hair softly, getting your breath even while doing so. You only nodded, no words found anymore. “You’re really beautiful, did I ever tell you that?“ You snorted, eyes locking with his. “You told me every day for the past 4 years, just so you know“ His hands softly grabbed the rope around your body. He was trying to untie it all while figuring out his new words. Though niche words seem to be lost at such a simple thing as this.

“How about me showing it to you?“ His head went lower as soon as he managed to open the damn rope. Okay, this was getting serious, and he soon will make this fantasy in your head reality. You can do this, after all, it wasn’t your duty yet. “Please“ You silently whispered, still loud enough for him to hear it and started to kiss your collarbone to your navel. His hand moved on to their next target and softly played with your panty. Your lingerie panty.

Jiung's kisses along your body felt exciting, warming, and so used. It wasn’t the first time that he did this, and perhaps it won't be the last one, but now it felt closer, more intimate, like this was right. It was, utterly, so when he began to pull down the panties, a smile crept up your face. Jiung noticed, of course he did. So attentive to your emotions, your love, and your body language. “Are you actually smiling like crazy just at the thought of me touching you?“

Your snorted, pushing his head away so he wouldn't look at you. “You’re ruining the mood, dude!“ But he didn‘t exactly answer your joking declaration. What he did was close to the act of completely diving into it. His fingers gently hovered over your clitoris, waiting for clear consent. “You really want that?“ He asked, some hesitation behind it, which resulted in your peeking your head up from your lying position. “Are you trying to edge me or something? Weren’t my pleas enough? Or me dressing up?“

Yeah, in a way it was, but then again, consent is mostly something that can change quickly, so he wants to be careful. His lips began to softly touch your ear, his breath tickling it at the same time. “Consent, love. It’s all about words when it comes to sex, doesn’t it?“ You hated how hot he sounded, how he began to touch you at the same time, and how right he was because now you have to answer him between the moans, and Jesus, that was another level of evil. When did he become so mean? “Yes, but it's also notable that sometimes-“ Jiung immediately cut you off with a kiss from him.

His fingers worked wonders around your clit, slowly rubbing against it while trying to make the mood up in your head. You were already in the mood, obviously because you were wet and because the overall thought of this is a mood setter, but if he would’ve told you the plan, you would get it. Whenever you do it yourself, you need some solid minutes until it's even close to untying the knot. Now that you think about it while making out with him, you do wonder if you’re enough in the mood. So you took his head and pushed it away, his eyes staring at you with a hint of confusion. “You gotta do more than just kissing and rubbing“

Your demand was his plan, and soon he launched himself onto your neck, kissing and sucking as if you were immature and naive again. But it worked, it definitely did. May it be because his touching you there made some hormones inside your head click or because the idea of sucking your neck turned you on. Heck, you even repositioned yourself slightly so your head is more comfortable. “Jesus, it's working, babe.“ A soft chuckle escaped him, his fingers beginning to go a bit faster. Just a tiny bit, like you told him ages ago how you do it.

“I can feel that. You move more, moving your hips back and forth, just a tiny bit but still something“ You grab his face again, your eyes staring back at him with compassion. You quickly closed the gap, letting your two intertwine closer once again before letting him do his thing again. That was your silent way of saying that he was amazing with his ability to notice stuff. Man, you didn‘t even notice yourself how much you anticipated yourself when he fingers you.

Your moans began to become more frequent, louder, eager in their sound. You didn't sound like those women in these weird pornos you watched when you were dumb and 13, no, you sounded as if you ran a marathon. Maybe not as loud but definitely in the range of it. You weren’t disgusted by it nor disappointed in you, if anything, it felt right sounding like that. Any other made-up way would’ve made this less authentic for the both of you, you suppose.

So, instead of shrinking in your pleasure, you roughly touched Jiung's other hand to hold it close. You can feel your body beginning to feel different, heavier down there, your usual sign that you are getting close to an orgasm. Jiung's hands went to intertwine with yours while his other kept the pace instead of getting faster. Another good thing he picked up from your in-depth masturbation talk you had ages ago. “Jiung—I-I-God—I love you“ You managed to mutter these words out before your moans and groans filled your mouth.

Jiung's lips began to kiss you intensively on your face. From the nose, cheeks, and lips, all while chasing your high as perfectly as he could. As perfect as he wants it to be for you. You were over the moon as he kept on touching and kissing you. He didn't need to be perfect, he didn’t need to overcompensate. Jiung was enough at this moment and forever. The way he listened, the way he moved, the way he noticed. It was all so wonderful for you, all so overwhelming, and such a beautiful feeling to cum to.

And you did, without any doubts about anything in mind.

Your groans filled the room, Jiung rolling out of your high, and your head lay sideways while he did it. Your breath began to even out, especially when his head and body somewhat lay over your body. “Man, that was—“ You couldn't finish your thoughts, too much filled with nothing at all to finish that almost formed thought, but Jiung got it. He nodded against your chest. Your breasts that were still covered by the lingerie weren’t the focus of his reality. It was your presence, your achievement, your mind. Man, he was corny but oh so in love.

“You were amazing“ that was the thing you let out before catching your breath again. Your mind was clearer now, much more able to reflect and point out what you could like and what you couldn‘t. But Jiung was doing amazingly, he really was. “I‘m glad I was, was afraid to be the opposite“ A snort escaped you, the irony in his confidence flashing through the cracks. “You’re such a hypocrite!“ He follows suit with a laugh, his arms starting to cradle you. “But I get it. I'll be nervous in a few minutes too“

His eyes met yours, his smile disappearing in the serious mask he was putting on. “You don‘t need to if you’re too nervous or not ready at all“ Not an ounce of dishonesty was hidden behind his words. He even could give you one more orgasm before doing the well-deserved aftercare, but you shut him up with a kiss on his hand that you lifted. “I want to. It’s a win/win situation for me after all. I can cum as well when we proceed“ Now he hated how true you were and how he couldn't disprove you directly, so he sighed in defeat.

You took the next initiative and rolled him over so he lies on his bag. His bulge in his pants was obvious and made you smile for other reasons than lust. “Are you finding my boner funny?“ His arms supported his back as he stood up with his upper body, your laughter echoing around the room in the meanwhile “I‘m sorry. I just laugh at the wrong times, please, continue with our- well-thing“ Your body was sitting upright, Jiung's hands hovering over the nightstand's drawer before pulling it open to drag out a pack of condoms.

You established pretty early on when you two planned this date that there was no possibility that you would ever take the pill or do the protection. And since you two certainly don't want to have children now and abortions are well, heavy, he resorted quickly to the condoms. As if they even make that much of a difference. All these men who tell him that it does feel different are just stuck up on the idea of breeding someone. Sickening. Totally not Jiung.

“Alright, done! You can go if you want to“ He sounded way too cool for someone so nervous before. You turned your head towards him, your body already over his. “Why are you so calm?“ A chuckle escaped him, giving you a kiss on the cheek. His hands went up and down your shoulders, trying to regulate himself. “I‘m just too excited to do it with you for me to be nervous“ You raised your eyebrow, your expression becoming more serious than he ever saw.

“Don’t worry, I will fuck that nonchalant shit out of you“ Shivers went down his smile when you crawled back to sitting near his- well- thing? A smile, an innocent and sinister one at the same time, appeared on your face. “Of course if you’re okay with that. Like you said, consent is an amazing thing to communicate during sex“ His head began to nod eagerly, as if he already saw the scenario in front of him instead of his head. You chuckled, body leaning a bit forward before planting a kiss on his body.

“But before we start, don‘t make weird comments about your dick or me on it, okay? I don't really fuck with dirty talk, makes me feel more like an object than the person who’s blowing out your brains in a way“ God, he got so worked up with your clear communication and dirty words. But he agreed nonetheless, his hands going to grab yours for a last time.

As your body’s made contact on new levels, both of you sighed in relief instead of moaning like you thought people would. But neither talked about it, taking the reaction as normal, as fine. And it was, sex is individual after all. “You ready?“ You asked, seemingly edging him like he did you before. Jiung didn't remark on it though, his mind was too focused on the future. Such an eager man! “You can go, I think I'm ready.“ An admirable smile appeared on your face before you did what you and Jiung wanted to do.

You began to move.

You knew it would take a while, you knew how long real pleasure takes to shape into form, though. You admit how petrified you truly were of not being able to fuck. "Unfuckable" has a new meaning then. You figured, however, that despite what you'd do, Jiung would stay, be there for the long run until both of you are fuckable. Jesus fucking Christ, despite being so in the mood, you still think so damn hard.

You were ripped from your inner monologue when Jiung's hand went to touch your waist instead of his own body. He was getting bold, well, you need to get bolder. While moving, you came to a halt, making Jiung's quiet streak of moans be interrupted by whines. He did not like that, and you were feeling it through and through. One of his hands went as high as it could before resting on the fabric of your bra. “Come on, love! I didn't tease you, don't do it to me” A smirk appeared on your face. Your body leaning forward just an inch.

“You promise to let me do my thing then?” His nods appeared almost instantly. Eager and desperate at the same time. Your hand went to put a hair behind his ears, even though it wasn't that long to begin with. It's part of the mood you wanted to set. “I-I wanted to. I just w-wanted to hold you” Wow. You didn't even do a lot, and you still managed to make him so different. But it was sweet, utterly sweet, so you kissed his hand and slowly moved again. You were sure that you could get your release, but now you wanted his.

A loud moan escaped him, rifling through the room. “You like that, don't you? Me doing this to you?” His moan, which was interrupting his speech, was your clear answer that you needed to speed up just a tiny bit. You knew that if you'd sped up entirely, your muscles would be too sore tomorrow. You can't let that happen, yes, Jiung would take care of you, but the pain was a reason enough to not do it. Though, that sweet voice that is being louder and more frequent makes you feel so excited to actually speed up more.

“Come on, you can do it, can't you? Let me feel you, yeah? Do it for me, okay?” Jiung felt a wave of overstimulation all over his body. From his head, his chest to his most intimate part that was being used how he wanted it to be used. Chills ran down his spine when your hands went to eagerly touch his ribs and push him deeper into you. Silently, without a warning, you felt that feeling you had when he fingered you again.

It's slow in its buildup, but from every time you had an orgasm, you knew it was worth it. Your encouraging words began to filter into Jiung's hearing, making him think about you and only you. His grip on your waist became tighter, and so did yours on his ribs' sides. You could practically feel how you two seemed to get closer to cumming at the same time, and you loved every second of it. The closeness, the trust, the love you felt were all making you all over the place but definitely still in the game for your usual talk.

“Jiung, l-let's cum together, okay? Please, you can do this for me” his agreeing words became more pathetic the more he was getting closer to his release, but his eyes finally opened since his pleasure became a rolling thunder rather than a calm storm. “Kiss me. Pl-please.” He didn't need to explain further, his soul already knew that your soul got the message he tried to make. Go back before existing big. Or whatever people say. Your body reached down to kiss him one last time. Letting your hands touch his face with all the love, appreciation, and peace you feel with him.

It wasn't immediate, but soon after that kiss, Jiung felt the tension in his body disappear at the same time as your vagina squeezed around his dick. His grip on your waist was tight, tighter than it ever could be, but when his breathing became more even and your hands let go of his sides, he let you go. What followed was a loud fall next to him on the bed and a heavy sigh from you.

Your eyes stared at the ceiling. Seeing the spider webs, you needed to clean any time soon. Having an orgasm back to back strengthens your reflections, you suppose. “You finger extremely well. I have to say so” Jiung, who was quiet before, took your words and used them to start laughing out of nowhere. It was not loud, nor long, but it made you feel appreciated, welcome in your intent of statement.

You were blunt, bold, and satisfied, and who cares if you say the truth anyway?

“Was I really that good? I was so quiet in comparison to you.” His hands went to touch the used condom while his body was set up right so it wouldn't leak over. Though he wasn't sure if that was needed, sex education was a lacking part of his school life. “As if I needed you to talk me through it! I like you more when you first, don't pretend and second, are as pathetic as you were now.” Jiung's body went rigid, his mind set on a new goal, and after your confession, Jiung went to the bathroom to collect some things.

“You're allowed to rest yourself after I fucked you, y'know that right?” A chuckle was heard from him when he came back with a wet towel and a glass of water for you. “I can, but I figured that I can do it while cleaning you up, you're covered in sweat after all” Before the towel hit your body, you gently took his wrist and made him look at you. “Let's communicate before cleaning me up, okay? You didn't cum in me, so there's no rush for me to get it all-y'know- away?” Your other hand went to touch his hair again, your soul finding it too endearing to not play with it. “What did you like?”

You, he wanted to say in an instant. Your control, your voice while you talked him through it, your sass, your presence, the fact that he did his first time with you. Everything was so beautiful that the only reason as to why it was so is always you. “There's too much for me to tell you” Though, despite being told to talk, he still went and started to clean you up. “Tell me, I want to hear it”

His eyes glanced over yours. You had the most caring eyes in the world, the ones that lured him in all those years ago and the ones that will lure him back every single other time. So he did what you wanted him to do, he talked about what he liked, how much he loved you, and how breathtaking you were. “And you?” He finally asked once he was done cleaning you up and his body lay on the bed again.

Now your eyes were looking at him. “I liked the fact how normal it felt. That nothing felt too out of place. I felt comfortable, and I even managed to overcome my self-made pressure to give you the time of your life” He snorted, his hand taking yours so he could trace circles with his thumb on it. Your eyes locked, silently promising to never part again. “You always give me the time of my life. But maybe we should remove your bra the next time”

You raised an eyebrow without a second thought, your body rolling to the side so you're closer to him. “I found it sexy. Amazing how you didn't manage to remove it despite kissing me all over my body multiple times” He almost moved his hands and yours up to cover his face, but laughter and your other hand stopped him from hiding. “I liked it, I swear. But if you want to, then yes, we can remove it the next time we have sex”

Sex. Such an intimate word, yet so normal to you now. You know this was something beyond a milestone for your individual life and more like a milestone for the unit you and Jiung formed, and you loved it so much. You loved him so much. “I'm glad it was you, by the way” You didn't need to say it to him, tell him the full context of what you said, because Jiung thought of it too. His face leaned in closer to you, noses touching, and breath bouncing back on you.

“I'm also glad. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. You were practically all my firsts, so yeah, it had to be you. You know me the best after all” And with that, he went to kiss you, a sweet antidote of all the love, all the appreciation, and all the soul he has for you. And only you

° And not to mention his hatred of the responsibility he has over you because he’s the oldest and your mom is the only one taking care of you

° So growing up, your brother felt out of reach from you, something that exists as a burden because he makes your life a living hell for no reason, all while projecting his problems onto you

° Therefore, your relationship with your brother was strained. You were better off just mostly talking to your mother anyway when you decided to move out.

° Through your new day-to-day life, your work, your hangouts, and your ambitions, you were doing as much for him as he wanted you to. Which, in all honesty, was none.

° You may have mentioned to your boyfriend, Keeho, that you had one, and there might be one childhood picture at your flat where he’s in it, but you never introduced him to your brother

° Your mother was someone Keeho was often around, at least whenever you had the chance to be home, but your brother and his life were out of reach for Keeho to see.

° That was until he crashed at your place out of nowhere

° The first thoughts inside your head were all alluding to a desire to throw him out of your flat the second he entered it. But you didn't. You listened to his life, to the tragedy he caused himself, you got yourself warmed up to speak to him, but despite everything, he seems to feel weird, at least for you.

° Yet you knew that you couldn’t leave your brother alone, especially at times like these

° Just imagine the confusion that will be lingering around Keeho when he goes over and sees this dude in front of him, looking like he owns this place. Not that he would ever think you'd cheat, but this might’ve been the only time when he was close to believing in it

° While you seem to be on edge when it comes to your brother, Keeho actually manages to befriend that guy (why do all men automatically get along with each other? Is there a cheat code they got because of the patriarchy?). But whenever he comes over to your flat, he will not put your brother on the top shelf, that spot will always be yours.

° It helps you a bit, seeing Keeho being the only constant in this ever-moving mess that your brother betrothed on your life all of a sudden. But despite Keeho being there for you and cherishing you like he always does, you were battling inside.

° Your brother uses your space to the max, putting his stuff where yours usually is, eating your food that you brought for yourself, and overall just not taking your life seriously. Did you start being more at Keehos because of this? Most definitely. Did Keeho notice that and your brother didn't? Yes, a thousand times yes.

° Therefore, when Keeho thought it was the right time, he asked you if you felt okay. Just that simple question made you unravel in these feelings you harbored—the resentment, the disgust, the abuse of power that your brother had over you. You didn‘t plead for help, you didn‘t want advice, you just wanted to let it out and get over it. So Keeho allowed you to have that space.

° He would’ve helped you, he would’ve liked to give you advice, but if you wanted to do that yourself, he let you. And it was great to talk with someone who cares, it made you feel better inside. So when you returned home and saw the mess, you were the one to impulsively be the most sibling-like in a long time.

° You threw your brother out without a warning and without any words. You gave yourself that power back and let your life go back to what it was before, even if it meant betraying any saying in the world that speaks for families.

° But if your brother ever decides to talk to Keeho?

° Yeah, that is the part that you will never know happened. Keeho just seems to explode and start to echo the voice that you used to have whenever you two were alone. He told him how much you dreaded him, how much his shit hurt you, and how you wished he could get his life together and start being a brother instead of a stranger.

° Did that work? Yes. Why? Because a man would rather listen to another man than a woman who knows him deeper, has history with him, and is directly hurt and just wants closure. And Keeho definitely knows what influence his privilege had over your somewhat growing relationship with your brother, but for your happiness, he'd be ready to abuse it even more.

° In conclusion, Keeho would definitely fw siblings, but only if you and they show each other the respect he thinks you deserve from the other. He knows that siblings can nag each other, but he is under no circumstances ready to see a point in permanently fucking up the mind of the other.

Theo (older sister; younger sister; childhood friend! Theo)

° Hmmm, the middle child, a pleasant experience, I do have to admit that

° Not like you do so much under the radar that it can count on neglect, but you do go under the radar, right?

° They attend to your stuff, but they definitely put more effort into child number 1 and child number 3. It’s not like you can blame them; sometimes stuff is just hard to manage. And you were an easygoing child too. You go with the flow, you can accept not having Starlight 24/7 on your back, and you like to see your sisters being seen by your parents. Nothing to lose, right?

° For Theo, who has been your kindergarten mate, your classmate, friend, and now boyfriend, he has seen the people you and your sisters came to be, and whenever your parents couldn't fill the gap of being there for you for important events, his family and your older sister were. So he didn't see any reason to be mad at your parents, but he wouldn’t be surprised if you'd have some lingering feelings because of that.

° But going back to your older sister, he was also her younger brother. She has seen him grow up right beside you and took him and you under her wings whenever you and Theo wanted to do something and she was forced to chaperone like the true older sister she is. He definitely learned to have more respect for people after she jumped him more than a few times. She definitely jumped you too, but you at least had that touch of sibling love that balanced the annoyance she had for you out. Theo, though? He was afraid of her for a loooong time and avoided her for a bit.

° As the years progressed, however, Theo and your sister seemed to have grown cooler, and Theo managed not to ragebait her into exploding. Nowadays there is still nagging, there are still some jokingly pulled pranks on both sides, but there is also this comfortable tension that made them real good friends. Heck, she was the one who encouraged him to ask you out!

° And now, ladies and gentlewomen, we turn to the younger sister, the usual pain in the ass of any older sibling.

° While you had your few moments with her when she was much younger, you did notice that as she got older, in comparison, you weren’t that much of a wild child. Yes, you and Theo did stupid shit together, but no way in hell did you ever break your arm as much as your younger sister did.

° You might as well compare her to a wildcat, because that's who she is in the end. But you loved her, you truly did. You helped her as much as you could, you fueled her up if the timing was right, and you were there when she needed you.

° Theo, on the other hand, might as well get to see another new side to the social concept that is womanhood. That fierce ignorance, arrogance, and wildness that this child has made him question if he even wants children at some point

° But, as much as he would like to pretend to hate her, he unfortunately sees her as his little sister as well. Like, yes, he will pick her up from school as well. And yes, he will help with school projects if she asks, and yes, he will ruffle her hair just to almost get bitten by her.

° He sort of looks at how you and your older sister handle her and copies it from time to time

° But something he has with her that you and your sister don't have with her are the secrets. Sometimes when she wants to eat ice cream while being locked in her room, he will help sneak her out and buy it while giving her advice, or he helps her cover up a partner or two. It’s the small things that can be cheekily hidden that make them closer.

° He likes the fact that he got this opportunity to have a sibling-like bond with your sister all while finding an endeavoring partner like yours. It’s like he can be observed inside your world and just stay there because it's right.

° The first people he wanted to care about and now will care about forever

Jiung (much younger brother)

° Ah, drag him like a ragdoll!

° I love this trope so much because it can talk about the root of misogyny all while also being contradictory with the hierarchy and sometimes bullying of the younger brother

° Like, yes, you force your brother to do stuff for you while telling him constantly about how everyone’s equal and shit. The older your brother gets, the more he questions you, but a smack on the head or a look from you still makes him fold.

° Jiung, however, moves as a person your brother has grown to look up to. You’re the dictator of his command, but Jiung makes him look at things instead of just doing them.

° Yes, Jiung also folds under your looks (but because of many other reasons), but he doesn’t take it to heart, or he also gets to have a say

° It fascinates your brother so much how Jiung manages to do that, so much that he straight up asks him one time. Jiung, on the other hand, just starts to rattle down the reasons as to why you would do something like that and that you do handle criticism. It gives your brother hope to just pull through it and stop at random times.

° From that day forward, your brother seeks out Jiung more. For anything, tbh, and Jiung couldn't be happier. He took a liking to your brother as you let him engulf himself in the world of your family. Plus, he just likes to be a good older brother figure, doesn’t he?

° They start to do stuff together whenever Jiung just chills at your home, waiting for you to be done with the day. May it be simple talking, getting the kitchen messy, or some games where your brother always outperforms your boyfriend. They just go with the flow without any need to be anything else than they already are. No need to have an even more special bond than before.

° But there was something that really moved your boyfriend so much that he started to cry on impact. While your brother wasn’t much younger than you, he still was in school. And for some project they needed to do, your brother chose Jiung as the theme and even got you on board. Of course you were in for shit like this, because hello? Your boyfriend deserves some appreciation outside your guys relationship!

° You two really tried your best to keep it under the rug, not daring to tell him anything, and in the end, when you and your family plus Jiung went to see his project, he had no idea that he'd be the star of the show

° Jiung was surprised, to say the least, and utterly emotional, to say the most. Just something about being so loved by a human he adored so much just made him cry (such a beautiful crier btw, it would be sadistic to him just to see that/jk). And to top it all off, when Jiung found your brother, they both began to cry again. You may or may not have laughed at your brother while having some tears as well, but this was their special moment, and they were engulfing themselves completely in it.

Intak (much older sister and brother; fem reader)

° Wanna know what's so funny about this for me? Intak can't relate at all. He’s an older brother, after all.

° But who cares in the end? I mean, if he ignores your whines about your older and very successful siblings, you two are the exact same. Figuring out life without any real advice, he because he doesn’t have any older siblings to look up to and you because yours are closer to retiring than to a high school graduation.

° Again, who cares about siblings here? Not like Intak never saw yours, and you probably have buried secrets with his.

° Intak didn't go into this relationship because you had siblings or whatnot, he went into this relationship because you’re too fierce to not have him sticking to you (his explanation for his obvious submissive nature)

° You also didn't care that much about your siblings, they were there, but then again, they were ages older than you, and you surely couldn't keep a relationship with them now, especially because you’re in the workspace as well

° Though, you do have to admit that the thought of him meeting your siblings has kept you up at night. Not because you were ashamed of having such old siblings but more of what you turned into whenever they were around.

° The search for approval and of being seen makes you do things that make you look less like that strong woman you are

° But nonetheless, as your parents have desired, you brought your wonderful boyfriend to a family gathering where you knew they would be at. You truly prepared your mind and your body not to do stupid shit, but as soon as they started to speak to you, all that disappeared.

° Heck, it got even worse now that you had a love life to share. All the lovely and overachieving details about your life unraveled the more you were given the chance to never shut up about anything. You siblings, as most siblings I encountered do, are not reacting with the emotions you wanted them to, which leads to you having a sense of guilt lurking up behind you.

° Intak, on the other hand, was even surprised to see what kind of a person you became. Not composed, not the stoic person you typically manage to be, and much like his younger brother. So awkwardly searching to be seen by your siblings.

° It made him think for a bit this new side of you wasn’t something he hated, but it was simply not like the person he made up inside his head. He even debated if you even felt comfortable being this puddle of a mess in front of them because he could sense how they fed up that mess like it was their last supper.

° So on the way home, he just simply asked if you always did that and if you even were okay doing that. It made your heart warm, to hear him be so attentive to your feelings that it felt easier being vulnerable with him like that. Intak had all his senses responding to you at that moment, he even threw in some suggestions here and there.

° In the end, you two just try your best to keep you in check at reappearing gatherings so you don't sink more in a hole of patheticness. But Intak would never judge you if you did relapse into that kind of behavior, which made this journey feel more comfortable.

Soul (younger sister)

° Aww, you two bond over that fact. I KNOW IT.

° There must be so many aspects where Soul sees his own sister in yours. The way you two fight, you tease her, and the way her eyes light up when he gives her something that she’s been gushing over

° Not like he ever tries to compensate for his absence from his sister's life with being in your sister's life, but there are many things he just does because he used to do them with his sister.

° Sure, with a personality like Soul's, it was hard and awkward at first, but once they found a shared interest, the stone got rolling so fast it's insane how you haven’t been replaced by your sister as the Nr 1 person for Soul by now

° Perhaps he just treats everyone the same when they’re on his good side, but he really takes her seriously and enjoys being in her presence. It’s like seeing a younger version of you all alive in front of him. Well, that's at least what he said when you asked.

° And even though you didn't want to admit it, he is right. You and your sister are very much alike, which is also why you two like to fight a lot.

° He would never choose a side whenever you do, but whenever one of the two of you really did some shady shit, he gently guided you towards seeing the other side and finding a common ground (after one apologizes, though) 

° You couldn't be more grateful to have a partner like him because, in the end, you and your sister were the closest you'd ever been

° Which results in her third-wheeling some dates whenever you two were in the mood for a third person. You were aware how hard it must be for her to see shit, and since Soul is flexible with shit like this, you take her whenever you can. 

° Your parents are also glad because there's only so much they can handle with a child who's still in puberty and constantly wanting and complaining

° I just know that (hypothetically) if you and Soul were to break off, everyone involved would mourn that trio. You and Soul obviously would miss each other, but your sister would be devastated to know that she has lost a real one. She would be begging for you two to try again. Soul would’ve been fine just staying her friend but he wouldn’t be lying if he said that he misses you two as a couple, so for him and your sister, he'd be ready to talk and try again.

° You would too ofc, I mean its Soul! There is (hopefully) nothing about him that screams real horrifying weirdo energy. 

Jongseob (Much younger sister; much younger brother; single mother)

° Just imagine you and Jongseob being together since, like, forever, always being only siblings and living content with it. Well, until your mother randomly throws around a picture of a strange- omg it‘s her uterus.

° That was a surprise to both of you, to say the least. Not just because she seemingly didn't even have a partner to begin with, but also because that means that your life will unravel in a mere 9 months max.

° But if your mother really wanted to have that kid, you will be okay with being there for her. Even after it came out that she'll have twins. Double the work, but she has double hands anyway.

° And you weren’t alone to experience it, Jongseob also had a lot to learn when it came to pregnancies. Whenever your mother needed something and you weren’t available, best believe he’s doing it. Even the controversial stuff!

° While you were the one in the delivery and not him, he was still at the hospital with the two of you, patiently waiting for the kids to exit the womb and find the world on their own (or not, C-section babies are chill af too). There was something he didn't take into account, though, your mother actually settled on the name of your sister with his suggestion, which in a way made him the name giver of your sister. Man, he was close to losing a tear because of that.

° Mainly because you two were already established in your adult lives, you didn't really get to see the bad sides of the first weeks, though there were times when you took the weight off her shoulder and babysat the two. Which led to a sleeping schedule that finally caught up with Jongseob, but you couldn't find it in your heart to complain because of that.

° As your siblings got older and were more stable being their own person (all while being as clueless as children are), you and Jongseob began to be the cool older siblings who dared them to do stuff and still managed to parent them a bit.

° But Jongseob had something in his head click the minute your siblings were in kindergarten. Not only were these his siblings in a way, they were also something he wanted to protect so they wouldn't be hurt by this cruel world. Especially your sister.

° So after long talks with your mother, both of your siblings start martial art, they learn about boundaries and how respect is earned at times. While it was his idea, you all took part in teaching them these things.

° Your sister learned to see beyond what society puts her into, learned to question, to be confident, selfish at times, and just be able to fight back. If she isn't up for it for the day, she isn’t forced. It’s the intention that she needs to grasp and understand.

° Your brother learns how to not listen to these stupid toxic masculine voices, learns to question the setup system, and learns to take care of him and others as well

° Jongseob would be ready to throw hands with your brother, though, if he starts to drift right-wing. He is not tolerating anything!

° But with an older brother like Jongseob, he doesn’t need to worry that he’s getting jumped any time soon

° God, Jongseob will cry and be annoyingly proud at every milestone these two have. While you record everything, he’s yapping to your mother about why the performance is the performance it is.

° Your siblings are his, after all.

° But Keeho, he never seemed to cross that line so often that you started to avoid him out of nowhere.

° Yet, catching feelings for someone you can put on a high pedestal is easy, but allowing yourself to be loved is another

° You're pathetically afraid of what your love and your BPD can do to him if he’s close enough to you for him to be your safe space

° One small thing at the wrong time could cost you your whole relationship if you split because of that

° Keeho wouldn’t be Keeho if he didn't try to tell you that you deserved to be loved as well

° So after long thinking, and many, many nights of feeling shallow about yourself and your capabilities, you decided to allow him into your life

° Once he got his approaches by you, he began to take his knowledge of your disorder to a higher level. Sometimes he asks you what he should do from your perspective, and sometimes he researches

° He might never be able to fully understand you, but he will always have that empathy for your episodes, no matter how horrifying they might feel for him or you.

° Whatever your HEALTHY coping mechanism is, he will try to mold himself around it. If you need to be alone while splitting, he will stay away until he knows it's unhealthy again. And if you need to work on healthy coping mechanisms, Keeho tries to help you get one.

° The second you find one and use it, he will cry. That’s it. Keeho Yoon crying somewhere in your house at like 4 pm because you coped without hurting yourself for a longer while

° I don‘t really think that Keeho is that disturbed by your unhealthy behaviors, at least when it comes to his feelings. That dude is a GROWN adult who either needs some coping mechanism himself if he can't, or he knows you aren’t sincere, you’re hurting instead of trying to destroy him.

° But if something really crosses his border where he knows you do that not because of your BPD, he will try to talk about it while giving you the needed space.

° It‘s all about testing and growing together for him

° But mostly for keeping you comfortable

Keeho has kept his eyes on the closed door of your room for at least half an hour now. There seemed to be something different from all the other times you disappeared into your own little hole. Just the mere thought of not being there and therefore not knowing if you’re doing fine or not makes him feel way too altered. A true Schrödinger's cat.

Ah, what was he saying? There is no way that he should take this on the lighter side of life. Especially when you said to him directly that you’re splitting. It must’ve taken you so much convincing to say that, he can't be too light about it. He should respect you.

But is respecting you sitting here and not talking when his gut tells him to do otherwise? Man, his fingers were tapping against the couch’s arm, and his eyes were squinting from time to time. Trying won't damage anything, will it? He can take what you would do, and you will come down from your episode. He just wants to make sure if you’re alright.

Keeho took a deep breath and moved towards your door to gently knock on it. “Don’t worry, I won't come in if you’re not ready, but I just wanted to make sure if you’re as fine as you could be right now“ Instead of usual silence or a big ‘go away,’ you just scoffed. Louder than he’s used to. “He’s such a bitch, did you know that?“

That was his usual sign that you were ready to talk, just a tiny bit if possible. So instead of beating down the bush, he gently pushed down the doorknob. His smile was the first thing you got to see when the light hit the room again. Keeho is truly an angel in disguise, you knew you were right about that. “Is he?“

He was met with your disgusted expression when you thought about the possibility of him even taking that dude's side. But it's better that he said it now than a while back because then you would’ve gone down even more. “You don‘t even know half of the story“

Your eyes were on him as he slowly made his way towards you and silently crouched down to sit next to you. Quite the beautiful corner you picked out, he admits that. “Mind telling me? Or we can sit in silence“ Despite the sweet undertone of his suggestion, you still rolled your eyes. Never because of him, but because you were too disturbed by the whole situation to fathom any other emotion than anger or frustration.

Though, nonetheless, your body started to lean against his. It was only a matter of time until you were ready to fully talk again. “I was talking- no- I was debating with my friend about something I really need him to do, or else he will get kicked out of his apartment because I care, right? And I now admit that I was a bit harsh, but want to know what he said? He said that I shouldn’t behave like such a caretaking bitch because he knows what he is doing?“

You took a deep breath, your thoughts racing again and your mouth getting ready to speak again. “What on earth is he even thinking, daring to say that to me? Huh? Why is he so disturbed by me taking care of myself? As if he deserves it anyway! That bitch never wanted anything good for me anyway, and that was the final straw, I swear!“ Before you could ramble on, Keeho took your hands impulsively and made you take a look at him. You could see his uncertainty but worry on his face.

“Y/N, take a breath and then watch a movie with me? You can rewind a bit more then?“ You did take a breath, but you were nowhere near okay with a movie suggestion. And right now you were bold enough to express it. Keeho understands you, Keeho knows what is right in the end, you can and will express what you want. He felt your hands squeezing his hard.

“I just want to be here for a while, stay silent with you, okay?“ Keeho took a closer glance at you, his gut feeling noticeably disappearing and getting replaced by pride at your independence. “Sure thing, just talk when it‘s getting worse“ You nodded and soon felt his head lying atop yours.

Theo (C-PTSD)

° Okay, so from my experience with (probably) my C-PTSD, it's mostly a catalyst for the development of other disorders coming later, but for this scenario, only C-PTSD got diagnosed

° As many humans, Theo wouldn’t pick up on the fact that you have C-PTSD because the symptoms that able people usually know of are so rare in their appearance that Theo would need to be your partner to actually get a grasp of it

° And lucky for you, this is a romantic-based HC post (corny-ass joke, no laughter, please)

° But Theo would never view you as less or weak because of your disorder, if anything, the way you show resilience with your pure existence speaks volumes to him

° Theo is patient, and Theo is caring as long as you want him to care about it when it comes to your trauma.

° When you eventually tell him about your trauma and how it impacts you, he will rearrange his life in a way that can suit your life the best (avoiding triggers, for example). Perhaps it’ll take him a while, and maybe he needs some consulting, but when he avoids these problems, both of you sigh deeply.

° Whenever you’re in an episode where you can pursue life without many obstacles (mentally), he will give you the space to work things out with your disorder on your own

° He could never imagine himself as the person to wrongfully force a person he LOVES to do something they aren’t ready to do. Especially if the person is in a good mental state.

° However, if you’re at rock bottom and have a depressive episode as well, he will try his utter best to get you out of there as soon as possible. He will stay at your side as much as his job allows him to while actively doing research and listening to what you have to say.

° Dealing with trauma is never a straight line that you can go up or down whenever you like to and when Theo understood that, his compassion for you rose even higher.

° If you’re too weak to do mundane tasks like being hygienic, he will do that for you because he knows you will beat yourself up if you’re still dirty at the end of the day (real)

° He wants you to feel okay to exist while you’re down mentally with being your second person

A warm summer day spent at the only mall in a long radius seems to be pleasant for your overworked nerves. If you don't count in all the people and every item that was layered with the typical capital intention. But you really try not to get it to your head as your hands browsed over the perfume section.

Not like you had the need to buy a new one, but your boyfriend did. Because you also knew his liking, you came to the conclusion that two minds work better than just a single one. So while he was at the aisle facing away from you searching for himself, you did your best to find something that he would like.

In the end you were pretty sure that he’d pick the same old boring thing he always wears, and to compensate for the feeling of helplessness, you still decided to pretend that he’s on the Odyssey trying his best to come back to his Penelope. You weren’t sure what the Odyssey was really about, but it's the small snippets that made the joke, right?

You felt a finger tipping your shoulder, and you almost snapped your head towards the finger out of pure surprise. Though, at the sight of your boyfriend in front of you, you became calmer. Not completely calm, after all this is a full mall and a warm day, but at least a calm state that could bring you to talk to him. “What’ya think of this one?“

His hand went up to your nose, not too close and not too far away. Just as you like it and how he remembered from muscle memory. You took a few seconds to think about it before shaking your head. “It’s too strong, even for a perfume“ Theo chuckled lightly and ran the opinion through his own head, which ended with him nodding. “You’re right“

You were close to snarking again, your smirk was even planted on your face, and still, you didn't. Another noise made you much more sick. And you really didn't want to see it or hear it, but it was in front of you, as if fate always wanted you to see it. You’re fated to see this. A wish slowly crept up your mind, and no matter how much you wished it was turning true, it didn't dare to become anything but a wish.

“Love, everything alright?“ Theo saw it in your eyes but wanted you to say the words instead. That attention to detail didn't stop a single second. Your finger took over the talking, and soon Theo saw what you saw on the surface. A mother, a child, and just the most disgusting words being thrown around by the mother.

You tried your best not to let it show on you. Theo shouldn’t see this, the world shouldn’t see it, and the child doesn’t deserve it. And by the look of their face, you saw yours again. “You don‘t wanna know how much I want to smack the living shit out of her“

Theo saw it in your eyes. That sternness was nothing but a mask to hide your anger, sorrow, and sensitive mind behind. He could feel it with the aura you let out. That atmosphere turned more sinister the more you saw it. He needs to catch you before you surely lose yourself. “Y/N, do you want to get away?“

The silence following told him that he should’ve gotten in between much sooner. You couldn't reply anymore, your body still and your mind racing with old memories and analysis of the scene you got to see in front of you. There was no way that your mind could focus on something else. Your mother and you, the child and their mother. Their mother and you, your mother and the child. Jesus, they were the same. It’s like she’s in front of you again.

You didn‘t even notice that you began to hyperventilate again, not even when your feet blindly followed Theo with his hand attached to yours and not when his hands found your face once you were at a more secluded area.

“Breathe in deep for me, okay? Focus your eyes on me and me only“ Your eyes kept glancing at him and down at him again, your brain trying its best to really focus on him, but your soul was clenching too much in pain. “She’s not here, alright? Take a look at me and tell me what you can see on my face, okay? Take your time if you need to“

The first part of his speech seemed to bring you back just a tiny bit. Your eyes were glancing without any breaks at his face. His eyes, so full of empathy and encouragement. His cheeks, so plush and red from all the adrenaline that probably runs through his system now. His hands that you felt and that were guiding you silently. They all seemed to calm you down just a tiny bit.

“Eyes, nose, cheeks, lips, and a tint of pink on the cheeks. That’s- that‘s all I see. Right now, of course, it-it might change soon“ Theo let out a laugh of relief, and his eyes felt warmer on your skin. In a way, or two, or three- “Who cares? As long as you can name them now?“ His head lay low for a second before snapping back up. “I‘m glad that you calmed down again“ His eyes squinted as his hand caressed your face, tracing your features softly.

His desire to speak up again got cut short by you, though. “Doesn’t mean I can tolerate that mother and go back there“ A shiver went down your body at the mere thought of it. Theo, on the other hand, just smiled and brought you with a tap on your face back to reality. “I wouldn’t put you through that, not in a million years“

His hand gently took yours again, which made you smile just a tiny bit. “We can go out the other end as well and go to another store. Or home if you want to?“ You quickly shook your head and squeezed his hand. “We don‘t have this chance often to be here, do we? So why stay at home?“

Theo had his remark already lying on his tongue, but your content but tired state made him stop. If you truly wanted that, then he should give you the autonomy to make it happen. Even if he has to look out more and potentially hide you from that heinous mother.

Jiung (NPD)

° I‘m here to destroy that image that all people with NPD are the devil, alright?

° NPD can exist in many forms and can change whenever you’re struck at a very bad time in your life, and while it is reasonable to have as a coping mechanism from your trauma, it shouldn’t be used as a way to escape accountability

° And if that‘s something you struggle with, therapy might be the best chance for you. It’s all about the way we treat others on the outside that will shape our future in society. You may feel indifferent in your head, but keep that to yourself.

° But let's roll back to Jiung, okay?

° I take Jiung as a very empathetic person and an educated one as well, so he will understand your condition and still find a way to keep you humble.

° And maybe that‘s the thing that keeps you near him, the way you can view him as something worthy and still so intriguing to find out more about because he challenges you. You have the desire to be a part of society because you thrive on it (as many humans do btw, humans are social animals) and for him to, in a way, force you to guide your way through it makes him neat to be in a relationship with.

° Jiung, on the other side, decided to be that bridge because your personality, and your words, whenever you aren’t in your suffocating mind, are beyond what the normative society can grasp. Your personality is what makes him fall in love, and your disorder is something he wants to make easier for you (savior complex very much)

° Once you take Jiung more into your mind and tell him why you have certain opinions about your life that you do, Jiung understands you more while keeping his act up. Yes, you deserve to be treated kindly, but not when you’re shitty to others. Yes, you have a right to be entitled for the things you do, but criticism is okay to recieve.

° As the savior I suddenly write him as, I can see him trying his best to find a way to make you okay in a situation where he might view you negatively (one major symptom of NPD is the fact that these people want to be perceived as perfect and positive most of the time and therefore can't handle any negativity towards them well), but the trial and error in this scenario ended with you not talking to him for a while

° People with NPD are humans as well, and the patience we give others should be given to them as well when they want to change themselves for the better. Forcing them all of a sudden won't help them or you in the end (as much as you want to see them humiliated), so Jiung talks with you and comes to the conclusion that one small step at a time is better for you.

° What I’ve noticed from people with Cluster B disorders overall is that the walls that they build over the years are so heavy and thick, that it takes time to crack them open, because they can come back stronger if done otherwise

° Jiung is aware that your self-perception varies and has phases where you’re so ragged that not even comfort shows can help you. So he just tells you how much and why he loves you. It’s the growing that made you into a version even your inner mind can be content with, and there should be no reason for him to love you any less. Every try, no matter how long or short-lived it is, is one he wants to celebrate because he loves you.

Jiung’s body lay on the floor of your balcony as the cold summer night breezed around him. He wasn’t feeling fully content nor frustrated to the brim. It was a weird feeling in between that starts to eat him up inside. Every thought he had inside himself keeps bouncing back and forth.

Today wasn’t his day, not by a single notion. His dancing is still the same, his vocals couldn’t get up, and you were spiraling again. So much he likes to take care of if they aren’t there at the same time. But they were, so he embraced the unknown reality he can only achieve.

He didn't want to tell you off in that tone that made you disappear in your room, but he cracked right at the moment where he normally stays strong. He loves taking care of you, he loves bringing you to process, but he is a human too, he supposes.

But you seemed to be more than a human. You’re a moving mass of complexity he needs to untangle at times to see the human he loves so much. He wants to do that, he knows that you see that, and that's why he hates his humanity inside him so much right now.

“Jiung“ Your voice awaked him from his own spiral, and his big, wide eyes found yours. He noticed how you looked down while your hand played with the door nervously. You weren’t coming back to spiral once more, he could feel it in the atmosphere. “Everything alright?“

He was surprised by your question. He knew you cared about him. If anything, your love for him was bigger, more intense than his towards you, but you cared more silently, through actions. It was something new, it made him feel a bit better inside. As you sat down next to him, he became more content than frustrated.

“It was a shitty day, just a lot where I lacked and couldn’t work on. It was too much for me, and I shouldn’t let it out on you. I‘m sorry“ You were glad that he apologized. You probably would’ve fed on it if you weren’t focused on him. “You don‘t need to be sorry, I can work on myself myself and I probably should do that. I shouldn’t expect you to do that- I can‘t let you do that anymore“

His eyes snapped to look at you again. Worry was written all over his face. His sternness, his slightly open mouth—it all displayed this worry for you. He didn't want you to think that you were alone in this- because you weren’t. His hands eagerly touched yours. “I want to, though. I want to help you so you don‘t feel alone“

You shrieked away from his touch, your eyes looking at the ground of your balcony. The only part of your flat that was sort of not just yours. When you moved to this apartment to be closer to Jiung and your job, you designed almost everything to your liking except this balcony. Jiung placed the plants, he picked the couch, and he was here most of the time.

Everything in your flat was for you, designed by you, suffocating others in you. You can’t be so centered around yourself if you kill the passion of the person you love, the person that tries for you. You need to see the process now before it ends everything that built up to that.

“You don‘t get to decide that though. I need to let you be a human without taking care of me. I need to do it myself so you can allow yourself to be more selfish“ You sighed loudly, your voice beginning to tremble with each thought that becomes a vocal statement. “I hate myself for letting you feel as if I’m a constant problem you need to fix. That should be my own job“

The silence following that made you feel better inside. Jiung was thinking about what you said, and that means that he takes your words to heart. You just want him to be more of himself than what he gives others. His hand, however, found your cheek, and you were pulled to look at him. A warm smile on his face told you that he betrayed your silent demand.

“Y/N, I‘m not here to fix you all on my own. I‘m helping so you can process the world in a better way that makes you feel good and others from getting hurt. I‘m not the one doing the thinking inside your head. That’s all you“ His finger gently tapped your head, and a weak smile formed on your face.

“And for me. Well- maybe I should take more care of myself, but please don't think that happens with me not helping you. I guess sometimes you just need to come down yourself. Just like now“ Your weak smile became stronger, and soon he got to see your whole grin that hid behind that melancholy.

“You’re doing great just on your own, so don't worry about me getting pulled down because of you“ A sigh escaped you as you nodded rather unenthusiastically. “I suppose you are right. But I still want to help you now“ Your head rested on his chest while his arm began hovering over your body. “You can do that with just being here“

Intak (OCD)

° Hmm, one of the disorders that aren’t that impactful

° Would someone say if they’re completely wrong and never had to deal with OCD. And it’s even more impactful for Intak because the boy gets a few restrictions with having a partner that has OCD, and I take Intak as a person who likes to live flexibly instead of….rules

° But, as with all the boys, he isn’t treating you worse just because he likes to live differently (and can because he doesn’t have OCD), he is just clueless to all the things that ruffle you off (if you have OCD that affects your perception of hygiene or order (which is also mostly the type of OCD I'm representing here today))

° So I can imagine Intak being interested in you because of reasons while you just can't tap fully into him because he keeps doing shit that your brain spirals on

° Following that, you start avoiding him so you don't have a full-blown breakdown in front of him. Intak, however, can't understand why he will bother you.

° A lot, actually

° So naturally after some time you tell him. In detail, though, so he can decide if he wants to dive or backtrack.

° But Intak is stubborn, okay? He’s a flexible, stubborn, slightly problematic puppy-eyed man, okay? He will get into it if he wants you, okay?

° So after long and thorough talking (at least for him), you guys try

° And let's just say that the trial and error ran rampant in the first quarter of your relationship.

° You really tried to let him into your world, make him a part of the real you, but Intak has to put in some care into it as well, and Intak is…well, Intak. He’s more used to his freedom to look behind because he expects that there is nothing behind him. But you are behind him, and you begin to feel tired of it.

° So you initiate a deep and intimate conversation. You set your problems out to be seen, gave him some advice, and then set him the ultimatum. Either Intak is ready or you two are over.

° It’s not like you expect him to comply with your OCD, it‘s just that you can't handle this constant over-the-top exposure therapy accidentally done by your boyfriend

° Intak was surprised by your initiation, but once the ultimatum dropped, he understood how serious this was for you. Therefore, after you two had the talk and he thought about it, he began to do his own research on how to help you more.

° You already go to therapy, so he could cross that off, so he took some of your advice and slowly introduced you more into his side of routines and chaotic well-being. He keeps himself neater to your standards while allowing some to be there as long as you can handle it.

° It’s a bit ridiculous that he needed that talk to come to that term, but what can one say? He's a young person, he got some things he still needs to work on that he doesn’t know yet. But Intak cares about you and values you, so he will go over himself and look behind him so you can start to get to him as well.

Intak's eyes were focused on your quiet body, whose own eyes were staring deeply at an object on the couch table. He knew how much your brain was trying its best to make sense of that table. “Intak, why on earth is that damn Glass standing almost on the edge of the table?“ He soon found your eyes staring at him. “My table, by the way“

Intak shyly looked down before gathering his courage to glance up again. His smile was peeking from one side of his cheek as he tried to lighten the mood. “Another exposure because you’re- y‘know-“ Your eyes slowly came to look at him again after spending the seconds of his talk staring at the glass again.

“That glass is on the wrong side of this house, and I will bang my head against the wall if you don‘t let me put this away“ Well, that‘s one thing he doesn’t want to happen. But then again, he needs to be more intense with his intention of making this work for the both of you. So he sighed and shook his head.

“Babe, we will do this. Today. Even if it takes hours“ You sterned at the pure thought of that and even more at the dominative side of him. You do not like that at all. Though, nonetheless, you had to agree with the intention he had. You sighed and glanced at him. “It feels so wrong having that shit there on my table“

His hands began resting on your waist after he walked behind you. You could feel his head leaning on your shoulder to guide you down your high. “I know, but it‘s the way I do it like that“ Your hand found his to nervously play with them. Your eyes were basically staring down the damn glass. “It could fall over, and then we‘d need to clean it up“

Intak softly hummed, sending vibrations through your body. God, you could get lost in these hums, that sweet innocence he’s having, and he’s ready to give you. You probably need it now more than ever. “It’s okay, we have enough and enough money to buy more. Plus the chances are low for it to land on the ground“

You hissed, shaking your head refusingly. You really do not want that glass there, but there is no way you can grab it away now. Intak wrapped himself around you like those weird snakes. “It looks weird“ both of you took a good glance at the glass in front of you. You stared at it with disgust and confusion, while Intak saw nothing more than an item.

The difference between you two is obvious. Now more than ever. But Intak doesn’t mind it, he embraces your disorder with open arms because it shows that you're human. Even if your disorder makes his life a bit less in his chaos. He’s willing to learn, to help you overcome it simply because he loves you

“How“ He asked when he brought himself back to reality. You sighed, taking your eyes away from the item. Staring at it makes you feel even weirder, so to not completely freak out, you simply just glance away. “It stands with its foot too far away from the pointy end of the table, and it's closer to the horizontal end than the vertical one, and that just looks too off“

Intak looked at it again and found everybody you said. You didn't lie, he supposed, but that doesn’t mean that you get to put it away now. “What’s so wrong with it looking off? We both look off in the morning as well, and I still call you beautiful“ He should not make you laugh. This is far too serious to make you smile and giggle like a little stupid kid. Your sternness became more intense, and soon you failed at staying serious and let out a short snort.

He laughed right beside you as his hands caressed yours softly. When you came down with your little laughing banter and your issue with the glass arose inside you once again, Intak decided to kiss you on the cheek and pull away from his back hug. “Okay, you see that glass, and you probably will keep it on your mind till forever, but how about a distraction in between?“

You raised your eyebrow and let a hand travel to your hip. “And what might be a distraction, mister Intak Hwang?“ You knew what you were implying, you just needed to make sure that he was on the same boat as you or already at the dock waiting for you. But Intak moved closer to you, having a raised eyebrow as well. “I thought about some rounds of Mario Kart, whatever you thought about is nonsense right now“

Laughter escaped him right as he went away from you and towards the bedroom. You had the perfect chance to snatch the glass away now, but the round of Mario Kart was actually more tempting now.

He was right to assume that it never left your mind, but when you later got to your living room again and saw that glass, you decided that it wasn’t really your thing to take away. It still bugged you, you still hated how much it looked off, but you tolerated it now. And in a way, you probably wouldn’t mind it that much if it appeared later on again.

You weren’t sure if he did the exposure right, but it worked in the end to some extent, therefore, it‘s okay to continue just like this.

Soul (maladaptive daydreaming)

° For this, you also got some derealization going on, as this is one of the main get-gos of MD to develop

° While your MD doesn’t affect your normal day-to-day life, as it's so migrated into it that it took normal form (talking from experience), there are some aspects of your day-to-day life where you need that space to fully let go.

° Like listening to music isn’t enough to make the daydreaming more entertaining, you need to seriously need to act out these things alone, or else you will combust.

° This pushed you into the space where you aren’t ready for people to get so close to you and be an active part of your whole day. But as the daydreamer you are, you can't help but let your mind explore ideas where you’re able to just live normally with someone.

° What you didn't expect, though, was for Soul to enter your life. This goofball, this weird sensation, this new experience made your daydreaming even more addictive than you would’ve liked to admit. He was so new to your life that even your dreaming made you bolder.

° All these scenarios, all that trust he managed to build with you, it made you eager, it made you sure of yourself.

° Though, nonetheless, before you were ready to enter this (probably first) relationship, you told him about it.

° And Soul?

° He was more entertained by that than disturbed. I mean, what can you expect from him? It still shocked you, of course, after all, he’s one of the first people you told this and others made you quite ashamed of it, but you were opening it with open arms.

° The more you two progressed in your relationship, the more you got comfortable with making your safe space around him. Not that you were acting out your scenarios in front of him, but something you put your headphones on and just zone out next to him.

° It never freaked him out or anything, but the switch to taking this more seriously was when you two had a pillow talk where you just confessed how every moment of your life exists in this massive daydream that you can't stop.

° Just the way your voice became more quiet and how you sighed in between made him so grounded and removed the illusion he had of MD

° His plan is to try and get you into some sort of therapy because any help from him, like making you do all kinds of things, won't work (because you have MD even then (again, something I can confirm))

° And once you see progress, Soul will be more proud of you than him because you get to live more carefree

Soul's heavy grocery bag slowly hit the ground of your apartment. Though, this was only half of his worries that began to stir in him. The flat was quiet, awfully quiet. Normally in this quiet, thin, and small place you call home, he’d be able to hear every TV, every gaming console, and every clicking keyboard. But now he heard none.

You should be home by now. It would be too unusual for you to stay in longer at your university or even at your work. You need your extra time of alone time before he comes over like he always does. So it disturbs him if he doesn’t hear a single noise coming from any space in your flat. Soul was eager to get going and see wherever you were at, but the groceries might not survive if he doesn’t get them inside your fridge.

So with a silent sigh, he starts to move towards your kitchen and is met with his answer to his question. You were here. Just somewhere where he couldn’t be right now. And why was he so sure that you were here? Because you opened a bag of cookies and left it open on your kitchen counter. At least some relief washed over him as he moved some of the items to their respective spaces.

Man, even your kitchen was filled with some order that he needed to get used to. But Soul would never complain about that, he found it endearing even. It’s proof that you’re as alive as him and any other human. It might not be what he is used to, but he finds it so interesting that he wants to get deep into it. And so he did.

His feet gently moved across the flat, silently pressing down the parquet before checking the bathroom. You could’ve fallen asleep while taking a bath, after all. Not that it happened before, but it could. Yet, Soul was met with serenity and no sign of his delightful partner.

Therefore, he went on to take a glance in your office. But besides the old works and even more new ones that you abandoned, he just found even more stretched-out absence of your body and mind. So you must be in your bedroom. He could’ve predicted that, he knew you were mostly in that room because you have a lack of a living room, but that's nothing he beats himself up for.

What he didn't account for was a loud scream from you as he entered the room. Well, at first you didn't notice him, too focused on pacing back and forth with your body, but once you turned around and saw his face, it felt as if your soul left your body. No pun intended.

You quickly put down your headphones and stared at him with a sternness that showed all the confusion he needed to softly chuckle out of embarrassment. A rare sight, by the way. “What on earth are you doing here? It’s still my alone-“ You stopped yourself when you had the chance to look at the time as you turned off your music. You gave him a look of defeat and quickly fell back on your bed.

“This is so embarrassing! You shouldn’t have seen me like this!“ A laugh escaped Soul as he began hovering over you. His hand went to reach your face and gently caressed it. Due to the randomness of it all, you just raised your eyebrow. “I never judged you all the times before, did I?“ You dreaded how true he was to his words and actions, but you knew he wouldn’t let go, so you nodded to finish this once and for all.

His lips soon gave you a quick kiss on your cheek before his body lowered itself to rest on top of yours. “Knew you would remember“ You just hummed and began staring at your ceiling. Did your embarrassment leave your body? Not a single bit. Was his carefree and non-judgmental self starting to make you feel a bit better? In a way it did. Though you have to admit how weird it felt being so open about your little disorder.

“I brought you groceries, by the way. So we can spend more time together today“ A snort escaped you as your hand began to play with his hair. “We also could’ve spent time together while grocery shopping“ Soul rolled his eyes playfully and let his hand touch the one that was playing with his hair.

“We could've, but I like cuddling and talking in quieter spaces more“ His head rose, his brown eyes lovingly staring at you with a golden-like smile. “Especially with you“ You snorted once again and pressed his head down to your chest again. “Such a dork“ But you wouldn’t be lying if you'd said that you also liked the moment as it is now.

No big talk about what you did before nor any judging from him that you can feel in between the words. Right as where you want to be and where you needed to be.

Jongseob (paranoia)

° Ah yes, that little voice in your head that keeps telling you to check every corner in a room for cameras and that forces you to double-check if you’re really alone at home

° Of course such a disorder doesn’t come without shared trauma, but it's remarkable how you managed to keep yourself somewhat sane throughout the whole thing (minus the whole well paranoia developing thing)

° Jongseob almost wouldn’t have noticed your little thing inside your head if he didn't notice every detail of your outside life.

° I mean, blocking your laptop camera with tape is normal, but every single camera on your devices? That’s some psychological shit.

° But then again, you’re so subtle with your paranoia that he really had to take a closer look to see all your antics

° It made him sad in a way, seeing how this constant fear of perception was the reason why you’re always on edge, but he knew that as long as he was your boyfriend, he could have the chance to help you just a tiny bit

° It‘s not that he could check everything for you, after all, your paranoia sometimes washed over to the acts of people, but he could make you talk about it

° After all, he’s your partner, and he really must’ve proven himself to be your partner.

° For you, it made some things easier, but there were still some holes inside your mind that he couldn’t fix. So instead of doing so, he starts to help you get the medication you need and the therapy you crave.

° He also keeps track of when you should take your medication and whenever you have your therapy session.

° Jongseob usually tries not to pry so hard and get information out, but you do trust him enough to tell him some of it

° And the more tapes disappear from your cameras, the more he knows you feel less on edge, less on electricity

The season of reinvention comes towards your household through a massive, long-procrastinated cleanup of every area you have at your home. And since you somehow managed to buy a house entirely all for yourself in this economy, you’re doomed to clean a lot. The you being you and your boyfriend Jongseob, of course.

Jongseob would’ve loved doing this spring cleanup if it didn't mean being forced to take care of your garden that looks like his hair after too much bleach in his hair. Destroyed and uneven. He would’ve loved being insane with you, but even the mere suggestion would’ve made your knuckles white. He respects the hustle you’re doing right now inside the house, but he does not respect the paranoia hiding neatly behind it.

Though, he can endure the feeling of dread and the sun shining on his neck and ass if it means keeping you content for the day. But he’d be completely lying if he said that this didn't make him insane by the second. It’s like the last thing he’d admit to being able to do because it's just so fucking painful mentally and especially physically. But then again, for you he’d even try his best.

Through the sighs and the fist hitting the ground a few times as his knife dug between your stone paths, he didn’t seem to notice how the door to the garden opened and your body leaned against it. You liked what you saw, after all, seeing him do the things you didn't want to do made you more relieved inside. And you were sure to give him a thank-you message later if he’d had the desire to.

No forcing around here.

As much as you'd like to see his hard work, you needed him in the house for much more important work. So you loudly called out to him, hoping to have caught his attention between the radio playing and the birds twittering. His head turned to you while his hand silenced the radio. “Something wrong, babe?“ He asked all worried.

You shook your head while still letting your hand point to the inside of the house. Subtle indication or something. “Need your opinion for something“ You had your eyes locked on his body as he slowly rose up and walked towards you with a curious expression. All while raising his eyebrow, of course.

“Don’t worry, it's nothing weird, just something I recently bought and can't decide where to put it“ Your voice echoed through the house as Jongseob's eyes glanced around the messed-up state of the spring clean. This will be a days-long task, he supposes. He had to catch himself because else he would’ve nudged your standing body too much. Your laughter calmed his embarrassment down a bit while his eyes found the item at first.

“I thought about moving it where my table and stuff is, so I can have easier access to my books while working on my stuff, y‘know?“ He nodded, his eyes moving again like he seemed to prophesy. Though, soon after, his body stopped moving when he noticed the absence of a certain item near your table. “Where’s your camera?“

That old thing that you set up with extra care so even your house was supervised by your paranoia seemed to have vanished from its usual place. “I put it away in a box. Wanna try living without it, I guess“ Now that got his eyebrow raised and his head lingering over your shoulder to have a glance at your face at this weird angle he loved.

“You do? Why the sudden change?“ His head began to move upwards due to you shrugging. But it was after the sigh that made you confess. “Therapy, mate. Pure therapy with that lovely Madame. And just the pure disinterest of that paranoid feeling, you know?“ His head moved again, but this time he simply signaled your agreeing stimuli through nodding.

“I‘m glad you can let go of that“ His eyes slowly moved to the item again, the main reason he got pulled here in the first place. “I think you should put it left of your desk so it won't be in the way of your wardrobe“

Your head began to reassemble it to fit his suggestion before humming in agreement. “You got some great suggestions, I do have to say that“ Jongseob let out a hum as well, his body shrugging in between while a smirk was already settling on his face. “Does that mean that dating you was a great suggestion as well?“

One might see it in its most natural and purest stage, with all the wrinkles that come with age, but one small mistake, one wrong impression, and the neutral stand will break. A need to get them beyond the horizon makes its way to your soul, and soon you expect. And expecting leads to a pressure, a pressure that the being tries to endure.

But no being can endure what others expect when all they got inside them will never reach such. Yet, the stares that follow, that pressure that turns to sorrow, that all goes to its head, and soon it's feeling wrong. It feels displaced. Utterly out of space to be what they want to be.

Jongseob has tried to cope with that terrible feeling inside him. That feeling that nothing he'll ever achieve out of his own mind will be enough to satisfy himself or the consumer of his artistry. He's going beyond, always finding something new, but he can't get his peace with the things he creates.

He's aware that there is no rational reason for him to feel that pressure to be consumable. Jongseob has supportive parents, supportive friends, and a partner who never shied away from showing him what he's worth. But as constant as his support is, more constant is his self-doubt.

But he shouldn't feel this way. It's not fair to feel that when others have it worse. Other people really struggle with getting their passion out to be seen, while he has almost everything now. Jongseob hates himself for having these thoughts sitting and living inside his mind ever since he got seen by others.

The praise is lovely; the praise is everything. He needs that acknowledgement so he knows that the doubt was right. One doubt can perhaps push him to greatness. It could get him to be less pressured. If he just gets it right.

If Jongseob was just good enough at the times when it counts.

It eats him up more than he likes to admit, though. Jongseob can't think straight if he’s in that massive episode of these thoughts creeping in. A barricade starts to form between him and the real world, one tying him to his producing app and lyric book he currently writes in. He is forced by his mind and body to stay there, to be consumed by it until he just burns out.

A wave of hatred washes over him in these moments whenever he thinks of that damn work he once adored, and he dreads thinking about it because it's all he knows. This is his spirit, this is where his emotions all lay open, and if he hates it, then what is he even without it?

Another useless brick lying next to others in the wall?

If he gives up, he'll be that brick, but if he continues, if he becomes more into that isolated human being that's being eaten up by everything, he might become that very thing that is surrounded by the wall. He'll be pink, without a simple doubt.

But at the times when he takes breaks in these thoughts, he is aware how much he needs to go out. He needs help, but that help can't be achieved if he isn’t taking the first step. So with tiring feet and an even more tiring mind, he starts to roam, waiting for someone to catch him in the wind. But it never worked a lot. Taking the first step is hard when you’re so addicted to the praise you get from the pressure.

But then you burst onto the scene because there was this need to help the being that was so uniquely good at making your own heart feel at ease. His eyes stare at you, mixed with tiredness and despair. Neither of those make you feel any better inside, if anything, the desire to be ripped apart by it instead of him becomes stronger.

Jongseob watched as you approached him slowly, full of unsureness but the want of helping him. Yes, you want to help him. You don't need to help him, you weren’t made to help someone or anything. But Jongseob is in desperate need of it, so you want to give it to him. “Let me turn that off for you, okay?“ You leaned over him and took the time to save the work and get that computer off.

Your eyes found his afterwards, and you took your heart's advice to smile brightly at him. Something warm to make his thick ice of destructiveness slowly melt. Jongseob's arms began to reach out to you, his mouth trying to move and say something, but you stopped him by just touching his hands. “Come on, how about lying down?“

He remained silent, though, his mind still running numbers inside his internal world that will set him up for a full-blown execution made by himself because he has gotten insane. So you moved closer, one hand finding his cheek, though. You could feel his body relaxing and leaning on it, one indicator that he needs this. One massive indicator. “I‘ll even make you hot chocolate if you want to“

His hand that was being held by yours was squeezing yours tighter while some emotion came back to his face. “Stay, I need you here“ You took a closer look at the way his face scrunched together softly and his voice was close to breaking. You couldn’t leave him now, could you? So your smile turned soft again. You squeezed him back and slowly started to stand up.

“Bed? I can message you?“ His eyes were shining with the reflection of the lights, but none of the reflection seemed to reflect him. Jongseob really needs this, so he isn’t denying himself that anymore. He stood up as well and got himself dragged to the bed by you.

Once he lay down, you didn't start to message him. You realize that he needs the comfort first before you do the physical relaxation. Instead you put your arms around him, and your face lay in his neck. Slowly and surely getting him caged in your steadiness. “Take deep breaths and talk when you’re ready“

Jongseob really wants to talk, get this out of his system, but he is aware how this will never fix the problem in the way he wants it to. He just wants to fix this. Jongseob's hands found yours around his body again and trailed over them with his fingertips. Something about the lines on your hands and the pulse in your arm made him feel grounded. Grounded enough to try to speak up.

“I think I start to hate my stupid job“ Your expression felt darker, more serious than before. You silently began to realize how he loses himself right at this moment. He could feel your grip becoming stronger, squeezing him more than he could desire to. “You do? Why?“

A sigh escaped him. Louder than words that followed. It was always easier to express with noises or expressions than with words. You could still hide behind misinterpreting noises, but words are there. They exist, and they can't hide his state forever. Yet for you, for you he will try because he knows that you can give him an answer. Any.

“The constant pressure and expectation to be the best, the overworking because I‘m not satisfied, and the way I seem to just be the idol, not the kid behind it anymore“ Now you were the one sighing with your breath travelling down his face. Though, after that, the silence dragged on. You thought deeply of what you could answer that could bloom his spirit again.

“It’s the industry you hate, not the music and the creativity you can create. You hate that people want you as a constant proportional product that they can consume forevermore. At least that‘s what I think“ Jongseob stopped lingering over your fingers, and his head turned to face yours for a bit. “What should I do to stop it then?“

“Go to therapy, man. You should definitely work out some coping mechanisms that allow you to view your art differently from the expectations“ Laughter escaped him at your blunt reaction while he went back to being held by you. “And if therapy flops, then I‘ll cause a scandal so big that you need to go underground as a producer, which will result in you having the chance to do whatever you fucking want to do“

He would really like that. It’s a surface fixation of what he’s been dealing with, but at least then he wouldn’t have to face so much that he doesn’t want to. Yet, he is aware how this will kill him more in the end because everything you can run away from will catch up one day unless you face it. So reflection will be it.

“Thank you. For helping me, I guess“ His voice was steady again, and you felt relief wash over you. Your grip squeezed him again. “Don’t worry, I‘d help you over and over again as long as you’re ready to help yourself again“ So poetic, so beautifully said by you. Jongseob could only smile and admire you inside his mind while your lips grazed over his cheek. Some physical love to even out all the vocal love you’ve been showing him.

“I love you even more for saying that“ His confession made you smile against his skin. Your hums vibrated were felt by him, and he was surely starting to bloom again. “I love you even more“

Outside the bathtub, the air was sweeping through the room, and you could hear the birds sing some tunes of mating. How original of a description of this late morning, you thought, though in a way also the only one that fits. Perhaps your brain was so relaxed by the surroundings you were currently at that you just chose the simpler way out.

But then again, if you were more relaxed, your rampant thoughts wouldn’t exist as enormously as they do now. Ah, but who in their right minds gives a fuck about that? All you know and care about is your book, your bath, and the beautiful imagery in front of you when you peek out of the window.

Even if you think a lot, better know it's a part of your personality than from anxiety. You’ll be fine, you told yourself and believed it.

So instead of blocking these overly existing thoughts, you began to move with them. Your mind jumped at what you could do tomorrow. Today seemed to be planned out if you take your mother's word for it. It’s rare for you to be home, and so she uses that time to fully get you involved in your little village's social life. To the dismay of your old self and to the huzzah to your boyfriend who’s here for the first time.

You could go to the supermarket or go to the lake or stay in the house, heck, there is nothing else to do here anyway! Just fields and more fields and even more fields. Well, if you take your ass and Keeho out of the village, you could actually get to do so much more. Like showing him your old school! Great way to show your dearest person the place where you got bullied by people that were one mistake away from being bullied as well!

Delightful!

But you can think about it while the day goes on. Maybe your mother wants you to do stuff for her, or Keeho wants to do something. You would politely decline her, but Keeho probably would get what he wants. Not like he will ever have that drag of living in this shithole like you have and actually wants to see stuff you once had in your day-to-day life.

“Babe, are you okay? Haven’t heard a page flip in, like, a while“ Which speaking of, Keeho's voice filled your surroundings. Despite a door being between you two, you still went ahead and snapped your head towards the sound of his voice. “Sure, just thinking“

You weren’t lying, Keeho could feel it from the atmosphere and overall tone of your voice, so he allowed himself to chuckle and softly try to open the door. “You don‘t mind if I step in, right? I wanna see your pretty face while talking to you“ Your eyes were now staring at him, and a massive smile appeared on your face when you got to see his sparkling eyes.

“Y‘know, I don‘t mind if you interrupt my life, especially at moments like these“ His chuckle now resembled giggles more as he came near the bath. His body kneeled down, and soon you were forced to look down to see him. Man, these eyes, that mind behind them, really know how to make your heart flutter. They look at you with such admiration and love at the same time, you know you will become sick from it.

“Do you miss me that much? Literally staring at me like that just because I take a bath?“ Instead of arguing against it, he just nodded, his eyes still looking at you like that. And he was getting to you more than you would like to admit. But you still let it be. Every single notion that reminds you of the love you got now, you let it be.

“Why even take a bath at this time? Shouldn’t you already be doing some stuff with me and your mommy?“ You snorted at that nickname your mother suddenly got from Keeho and used your left hand to softly push his head. “Don‘t call her mommy. That’s too posh coded“

Keeho moves closer to you and kisses your arm that was exposed to him and the wind. “I‘m sorry? Am I too posh now to be in your presence now?“ His put-on posh accent made you burst out into laughter, almost causing you to drop your book into the water. But Keeho quickly took the book and placed it next to the bath. “But seriously, why are you even taking a bath at 11 am? Bathing is such a morning or evening thing“

That got you questioning how to bring your experience closer to him. Every time your mouth opened, it closed again because your words couldn’t capture what you really wanted to say. So instead of saying anything, you just took his head into your hands and slowly moved towards the window. You focused on his dazzling eyes when your reasoning finally started to get to him.

“Turn an ear to the birds, the soft tune of the wind, and the sun shining behind us- well in a way or two“ Keeho didn‘t plaster around the corniness you expressed because his attention was purely on what you find so endearing at this place. “Jesus Christ, sorry that I underestimated your ball knowlegde“

Normally you would’ve started to laugh your ass off, but with the notion he moved inside his eyes, you couldn’t help but just ignore it completely. Keeho slowly turned his head back at you again to stare at your eyes again. “This feels so domestic, babe, why am I finding this out just now?“ His fingers tipped against the bathtub, and his usual attitude came back again.

“Perhaps because I like to keep good things to myself?“ You thought about your statement before shaking your head rapidly. Your hands moved away from his head, and his hand found one of yours to hold it tightly. Probably also with a lot of love. “I guess I just did it because I take it as my comfort in my old day-to-day life? I-I don‘t know why, I guess“

A soft laugh escaped him, which moved you to laugh as well. You took the few seconds of serene silence before squeezing his hand. “Would you like to experience the way I experience it? With, you know- the bathing?“ His head tilted while his grip loosened around you. Keeho slowly straightened up, which caused you to laugh. “What? Is bathing together that unimaginable?“

He blinked way more than usual but tried his best to get an answer for you sorted. Yet every try he has, he fails uncontrollably. One word too much, one word too few, and overall just some weirdness. It’s not like he hadn’t imagined it or disliked the idea of it, but the confrontation left him so surprised. Though the grasp of the possibility will not slip his reality, so he clears his throat and eagerly nods just.

“Man, you’re pathetic“ You responded while you watched him slowly undress. His finger pointed at you, his confidence silently coming back. “You better scoot because I will get in there with you!“ You just raised your eyebrow and pointed back at him, just without any words attached to them.

Nonetheless, Keeho still moved closer to you until the water was wrapped around his foot. A flinch waved through his body, which caused you to laugh even more. “Why is it so lukewarm? I went in here expecting warm water“ Your body leaned forward, your smug expression not leaving you. “Well, perhaps it‘s because I spend some nice 20 minutes in here?“

His other foot entered the water after the one got more used to it. But it didn't really help his flinching, though. Yet, now that your boyfriend is standing in the bathtub, you do worry if it’ll fit the both of you. You picked this bathtub ages ago because it was nice and skinny yet still comfortable. Never in your life would you have imagined that your potential partner would’ve ended up here.

But he did, though.

“I swear if you break my tub, my mom and I will go crazy“ A chuckle or nervous laughter escaped him when he began crawling his way to you. But no word left his mouth until he was face-to-face and body-to-body with you. Keeho's soft voice made you feel warmer as he gently promised not to try.

Though after that, his body fell dramatically on yours with the water splashing around them. While his eyes didn't stare at you, his body seemed to slowly hit against yours. “Are you enjoying the view, love?“ Keeho was silent when it came to words, but his hum vibrated through the entire tub, making you chuckle.

“Maybe we should inherit this house once your mom dies“ Now that made you speechless. Even your hand that was playing with his hair stopped halfway through. Keeho didn't worry a bit, but it was amusing feeling your interrupted state. “That’s so foul!“ But instead of moving on, you still stood still. Your eyes squinted as well. “But yes. Maybe we should, especially if we get to have moments like these“

His hand went to find you again and squeezed it tight. “Maybe we definitely should“

Though now you were too deep into this shit to suddenly back out, so you relied on every straw of energy you had left inside your body before you started to have a meltdown. Your boyfriend on the other end seemed to enjoy himself on your bed as his way to get ready consisted of much less. Not that any of your friends would ever hate you for not enhancing your already existing beauty, it‘s just that you always did that and will continue to do that.

Dreadful and something you may need to work on.

But through your sighs and the working with the curling iron soon after, you didn't seem to notice Keeho's roaming body. It seemed like his boredom got the best of him and forced him to explore your room once more, like he did many times with the same curiosity. And like every time, he stopped right where your makeup was placed.

His Achilles heel.

He loves all kinds of makeup you got laying around, after all, you always seem to transform it into some sort of art. He knows the value makeup has for you, at least when it comes to the artistry you made out of it. He even falls victim to some of your endeavors you have from time to time. So the urge to touch it stays an urge, out of pure respect.

But today, right in that moment where it happened, he couldn't help himself anymore and just took your eyelash palette in his hands. And then it slipped. Hard. Onto the ground and so loud that even you could hear it.

Keeho began to panic, his body rushing down to grab the palette and checking if it's fine (which it was not), all while your body seemed to get closer to the room. You burst onto the scene, worried for Keeho. “Jesus, what was that sound? Was that you?“ The worry that he could hear from your voice made him feel even more guilty, written on his face.

“Keeho, what’s wrong?“ You began to slowly make your way closer to him. Your eyes looked down at him, stern all over your pretty face while Keeho had a thousand thoughts running through his head. He could run away, jump out the window, deny it, or be honest because either way you will find out about it, but then again you’re already stressed, and stress is not good for your skin-

“I held your palette, and I accidentally let it slip from my hands“ His hands silently came forward with the palette. “I'm sorry for not focusing on it. I know how much it meant to you“ His eyes were now daggering your face, trying to find any disapproval. He is so secure in himself, but those are the moments when he cracks.

Yet, confusion began to wash over him when you loudly started to laugh and hide your body from him like you always do. “Huh? Why are you laughing? I thought this palette was really important to you“ Your muffled sounds slowly quieted down when you turned back to him and took the palette from him to place it somewhere so it leaves Keehos mind for a bit (which it won‘t)

“That thing? Please, makeup isn’t that important for me to get pressed about a broken palette! It’s nothing, dude!“ Keeho glanced at you for a few more seconds, debating if you were sarcastic or not, but at the sight of you smiling with a raised eyebrow, he was confident in your not caring nature when it comes to your makeup.

“I‘m glad, I would’ve killed myself if it was, and you‘d be angry“ He heard your snort as you disappeared into the bathroom again. Now you really needed to get going because the time was running short. But the little break with his small and cute misfit was endearing and refreshing, you’re admitting that. “Nah, don’t. I need you for a long, long time

Theo

When the ball smashed your lipsticks off your desk, a wide panic made Theo feel like his heart fell down to his balls. He didn't mean to shoot it in that direction, but in that exact moment, his mind and body lacked the strength to let it shoot just past it to your bin. Though now that he looks at the lipsticks that were all not liquid, he knows he should’ve never shot in that direction.

But damned be the ones who do anyway, he thought. There was nowhere he had the chance to hide that, and it made him panic even more. Jesus, he knew how wrong it is to break something you like to have, but his stupid brain still did it. How stupid is he, please?

Theo stopped his thoughts from unraveling even more. No, this was no place for him to dread and slog around in his misery of doing something he shouldn’t. No, he should get rid of the evidence and confess to you slowly. If the lipsticks are broken, of course.

His body knelt in front of the mess and let his hand pick one randomly up. He knew from the many artists doing his makeup and seeing you get ready how to open it, but he was more nervous than he needed to be. Theo almost resembled a puddle of water. Well, he wasn't even close to being one. As soon as he slowly let the lipstick rise and he saw the damage he’d done, he knew to place his bed close to the couch tonight.

But he was about to see it real soon when he heard a cough behind him. Theo didn‘t move, he didn't breathe a lot, he just waited until you said something so he could deny it real quick. “You’re doing alright there? Being all crunched down in front of my makeup desk?“ You had your arms crossed, eyes daggering down his body that frightened with every stare he received. “I’m not crunched down“

An ironic hum entered the room and soon existed it, your feet getting closer to him. He could feel the doom knocking on the door, he could see his soul getting shattered to its tiniest core. “And why is your body in the position that is normally described as crouching?“ Theo tried his best not to give in, trying to seal away the future for a bit more. If only he could wake up from this dream. “It isn’t, this position is a newly found one that hasn’t found a-“

A loud sigh interrupted him and your fingers stabilised your head from all the bullshit he’s been saying so he can deflect from whatever he’d done for him to crouch down. “Drop your act and confess“ You loudly demanded, making his body shriek in even more terror. “Promise you won‘t be so mad that I need to fear for my life?“

You sighed again, nodding and humming along afterwards. Theo looked down at his misery personalified and slowly turned to you with the item. You raised your eyebrow and took it from him, inspecting it closely with your eyes. Though arguably, you didn‘t saw anything too bad, nothing dangerous that could’ve hurt him.

“Just buy me new ones and I‘ll be fine, Jesus that was the thing that made you worry so much?“ You held the lipstick up, lingering with mockery, much to the confusion inside Theo. “What?“ You rolled your eyes playfully and let a hand of yours ruffle his hand out of instinct. “I was more worried about you cutting yourself or something! Never would I have expected this to be the catalyst of all of it“

He took some seconds to glance at you, let your features shine with a lighter mood before he smiles softly again. “So you won‘t force me to sleep on the couch?“ Your eyes looked away from him for a bit right before you nodded. “But only if you buy me the replacements!“ His hand went to touch his forehead before he gave you the proudest salute ever.

For the woman he loves and fears so much, he’d do anything!

Jiung

“Alright, hold still for me, please,“ Jiung’s voice gently called out to you as his hand touched your face while the other went to grab another item. It was his stupid idea to try and do your makeup for the day because he saw a bunch of videos on his FYP the other day that inspired him to try for you. And who would you be if not someone to be eagerly in tune with the possibility?

“You’re not doing rocket science, I promise we will be fine if I move a bit or you mess up“ His hand with the item attached pointed at you while a playful stern watched your every move. “Don’t you dare jinx my lucky streak! I’m already nervous enough“ His body began to lean forward again, the item softly touching your skin. Your laughter, however, quickly got cut short when he playfully hit your knee with the free hand. “You’re jinxing it yourself if you say it like that, y‘know that right?“

Jiung didn’t answer you, finding his self-assigned task more important than some teasing you set out as a trap. Though, seeing him so concentrated on such a unserious thing did make you feel a bit nice inside. As if he really wants to be there even for the unnecessary stuff such as doing your makeup. Make up- who on earth are you even doing that for?

“Do you think you look fine?“ He said, pulling the hand mirror close to your face so you can see his hard work. Sarcastically said, of course. You raised an eyebrow, glancing seriously at the reflection you were seeing before nodding. “Add some blush so I have some balance in that matte color on my skin“ Now, you weren’t the biggest nerd when it comes to makeup, but you do know a thing or two about balance, and right now you were definitely not content with the lack of attention your cheekbones were pulling. Or whatever people use to justify the usage of blush.

Your boyfriend nodded and went to grab a lipstick instead of your usual blush. Your questioning hands pointed at the lipstick, and your eyes were looking at him as if he said the weirdest shit ever. Which in a way he did, but more with actions. “I saw a tutorial that used that one, so let me try it?“ Man, with that smile and those eyes, you might as well allow him to burn your house down, so of course you agreed to the stupid idea.

Though as the lipstick met your cheek and almost started to drag along it, it broke apart. Right in front of him and, most importantly, you. Jiung's eyes went wide when glancing at the evidence. “That shouldn’t have happened“ He quickly mouthed out, trying to drown the silence and the moment. He just needs to hear you laugh, and then he might be fine again or get stoned soon. “Could’ve been worse, you know?“

You waited as his eyes slowly looked up at you, his sorrow-filled body making him shrink before. “How? I literally broke your lipstick“ You shrugged, your hand going to grab another one to hold it up. “You could’ve broken this sweet baby! My most expensive one, that thing, is the cheapest one I bought because it was on sale and I liked the colour“ Oh, that released some pressure inside Jiung's mind, but his hesitance was still on display on his face.

“Oh, come on! This is me saying it's okay to break that cheap shit! It was nothing to me, I swear!“ Your hands grabbed his shoulder to pull him back and closer to you. He saw the details in your eyes, how they danced around each other, all while still being in still life. Man, even if you could preach how tables are used to control us humans, he would believe every word. “But what are we doing now?“

You snorted and grabbed his face to pull it together to see those cheeks all on display as if he’s some squishy toy you like to play with. “You will use another lipstick and succeed! Simple it is!“ You let go of his cheeks and began to wait patiently for him to continue, trusting him completely no matter what. And even if he messes up, make up isn’t serious to you anyway

Intak

Intak manages to pride himself on the fact that he yearns for you so much that he has your little likes and dislikes burned in his mind. Of course, Intak isn’t the usual yearner with soft features and a soft attitude, but inside his heart he behaves like all the other yearners. He just likes to engage in the fire more often than not. Nothing he isn’t ashamed of to admit. And if he’s asked if you like that, he’d be nodding as eagerly as he could before getting a concussion.

So when you went on a little excursion to the local drugstore and he became a victim of the testing of certain makeup items, he couldn't be happier. Makeup is something you rarely decide to buy or even wear, opting for a more ragged look (affectionately said), and while he loves that part of you to bits, it's the surprises and daring looks that make his heart flutter rapidly in a short time.

Though, at that time, you were more focused on finding new items so you could put together a nice face fit for a wedding you’ve been invited to. For a wedding of a friend, you thought that it was okay to try to fit in so they could feel happy on their own special day. Intak was positioning himself to buy it himself, so you were safe to go all out. But every item seemed to make your head feel heavy every single time. Because why is your usual tone of your favorite brand out of stock, and you need to check all the other ones now? Why can‘t life be a bit more lively every now and then and just make things work?

Intak was a massive help with getting your skin tone right, after all, his pride didn’t come out of nowhere, yet this whole trying out with all the people around you made you nervous, hot, and unnecessarily overwhelmed. Man, you were happy to get out with the stuff and just get out. But right as you were close to your car, did you hear a bang behind you? It wasn’t long until Intak's voice made you aware of what was dropped.

“Intak“ You called out, eyes already looking at the scene while Intak was getting even more worried because of your monotone voice. His hand went to scratch his neck, his mind trying to form a thought. “We can go back inside and buy a new one? I promise-“ You interrupted him by roughly leaning yourself against your car. You were glad that your car seemed to be more robust than your psyche right now because you wouldn’t have stood a chance against the roughness of a body slamming against yours.

Jesus, you need to stop letting yourself get interrupted. But then again, the sight of your foundation running out made you want to get distracted even more. “Fuck no, I'm not going back inside there“ Intak tilted his head, a confused expression on his face. You could already see his disbelief at the corner of your eyes, so you took the chance to speak before he could. “There are just too many people inside there, and Jesus fucking Christ, I can’t stand one more minute in that heat as well. I might as well kill myself all over again before losing all my nerves inside there!“

Intak realized how much you felt the melancholy related to the situation when he didn't have the chance to meet your eyes. Yearner and all that. But he doesn’t deserve to remark that right now, does he? Instead he went closer to you, his hand resting on your back when he began to hug you from the side. “I can go inside, okay? You don’t need to, alright?“

He gave you a few seconds to reply, and with a nod from you, he gave you the rest of the items and disappeared with a lovely smile on his face. As you opened your car and loaded it with your luggage, you allowed yourself to come down. Coming down this landslide of overwhelming emotions, to be exact.

You weren’t made at Intak to begin with, but him dropping your foundation definitely added something to your rising breakdown that you were trying your best to avoid. Though, at the end of the day, you must admit that he handled your emotions in a better way than most would. You two just need to talk about it once he’s back and once you’re ready to talk in depth about it.

Soul

A notion outside the window, talks inside the restaurant, and the food on the table, though you only focused on your boyfriend. Because he was behaving oddly strange today, oddly not like him and more like those perfect boyfriends your friends read about in those heteronormative romance books. Did you like it? Perhaps, but it wasn’t the Shota you really liked to be around.

What made you even more worried was the fact that he didn't order anything he wanted and instead opted for the same shit you wanted to eat. As if he was devoting himself to you and you alone. You may like the fact and get used to it, but you definitely didn't like the fact that the person you like so much forms himself into whatever he was doing now.

Though, you could also be overthinking to the brim right now. Maybe he’s just trying something different right now. But then again, you may also be right, so what's wrong with taking his hand softly and asking if he’s fine? What’s so wrong with trying at least? “Shota?“

Your voice made him flinch inside, not that he would ever dare to show that in front of you. Well, at least now. Though, so you won’t notice what is going on inside his head, he opts to glance at you with his wide eyes. But soon, inside his heart, he felt guilt even deeper at the sight of your worried face. A hum escaped him instead of a real answer.

“Is something going on? You behave like those wannabe performative boyfriends“ You used humor to cover up your overfilling worry. It’s not like you were ashamed of it, you just hid it because you always did. So maybe it is some shame, but that doesn’t matter, you’re here to care for Soul. Shoul shook his head, though, his hand softly starting to caress yours with his thumb. “Can’t I take care of my girlfriend once in a while?“

A soft chuckle left your mouth, and your eyes soon stared back at his. “I guess you can, but it feels as if you’re trying to swallow yourself in a new version of yourself that isn’t you. I mean, why on earth are you ordering the same as me and not your usual?“ Soul was silent, debating inside his head to give in and be honest or try to make you feel better being around him so the fall from his fail won’t be massive.

But if he’s making you feel weird with the latter, is he really succeeding then?

So you heard the sigh before the confession rolled in. “I may or may not have played with your makeup thinking it was mine and thought it was interesting how it would look if I’d break it. So I did and may or may not have then realized that I, in fact, don't use that tone on my skin“ He avoided your eyes, your presence all over him still, but he hopes to escape execution just for a few minutes more.

Your laughter followed, however, which made him confused and made him turn to you with a perplexity all over his face. “Are you making fun of me?“ He asked, all uncertain of this emotion of yours. But instead of answering instantly, you just grabbed his face and pulled it a bit closer to yours. “We have our makeup at the same place, I already was okay with that scenario when I suggested the combination of our makeup to begin with“

A knot inside Soul's mind seemed to have loosened itself at the confirmation from you. Soon laughter nervously left him too. “There is no need to feel so guilty about such a non-issue thing like breaking my makeup. Please, I'd be more angry if you didn't let your curiosity get the better of you!“ His head silently started to slightly lean against one of your hands. His big, boba-like eyes staring at you with admiration, not guiltiness or anything else.

“I‘m glad“ A smile flashed across your face, making the mood the lightest it‘s been for a long time. “Me too, and next time you do stupid shit, just tell me instead of trying to turn into something you aren't, it usually tells the other that you indeed did some stupid shit“ And with your usual dynamic returning, Soul was glad that your teasing and snarking was also back. He doesn’t know why, but he does.

Jongseob

Jongseob might as well book a doctor's appointment for his eyes because the way the words on the eyeshadow just start to blur is insane. He knows why he is here and why he should’ve stayed home instead. Your dearest boyfriend broke your last eyeshadow, and while the possibility of owning up to it could’ve been there, he decides to let it seem like it never happend.

The eyeshadow he broke? Somewhere under his bed rotting in shame! And his presence? Making ámense while getting himself asylum ready! Because there is no way he could ever remember what shadow you owned because his brain is fucked because of the internet! Great deal for him to write it down instead, right? Well, Jongseob acted impulsively and now needs to get it on his own.

He can feel the stares on his back, and the music inside his ear becomes more unbearable with every product he’s picking up in hopes of his brain starting to get the clues it needs to remember the right product. He has seen the color many times enough, but he could not, for his life, remember what brand it was. But he knows you can, and making you suspicious of him is the last thing he would want for himself and especially you.

But he was going insane! His self-destructive thoughts weren’t even that massive, but the constant overstimulation and uncertainty were! And the desire to get out of here as soon as possible was starting to appear as a vision in front of him. Yet, despite having that vision, he knows what he needs to do so he can get it.

He took a deep sigh, looked at the aisle before disappearing into another one to think clearly about this. Jongseob has two options. 1) Call you and try to softly explain to you what he did and maybe get forced to lick your feet as compensation, or 2) go back and fuck up either way because he planned this stupidly. As his eyes dagger to the toilet paper, he came to the acceptance that it's okay to call you and admit his accident.

So the store heard a sigh from the aisle and the dialing of a number. Your number. Jongseob would be lying himself to hell if he said that he’s not nervous. But he didn’t become your boyfriend because he was scared of you, and shit like that turns him on. Nope, he became your boyfriend because you two understood each other. “Hello? Seobie? Everything alright?“

A nervous chuckle was heard from his side of the line. His eyes move around the items in the aisle before admitting what he needs to admit. “IdestroyedyoureyeshadowandIwantedtoreplaceitbutcan‘trememberyourexactbrand“ His hand grabbed the bar of the aisle’s wall as his heavy breath clung around his phone.

Hums escaped you while you waited for him to finish his breathing exercise. Jongseob thought badly of your hums and quickly asked if you’re okay. Your laughter was the thing that pulled him away from the thoughts of disappointing you. “Accidents happen, love, ain’t something I should get mad for“

A burden gets lifted from his body as he accepts the statement left by you. “It’s the one purple one I broke“ He confessed as his body and mind returned to the previous aisle, now refreshed and motivated to get things right. You were silent for a bit before you began to explain. “That was the one by Manhattan, I think“

His hands went to eagerly glance over the items before grabbing one of them to inspect it. “It’s a lighter blue, right?“ While he waited for your answer, which shortly came, he already had the item in his pocket and his feet dangling towards the checkout. “I‘ll be at yours soon, alright? Love you so much, thanks for not getting mad at me“

Your snort made his body feel warmer inside, which made his creepy feelings and his overall mood just a tiny bit better. “Love you too, you stupid and beautiful idiot“

You didn't mind it, though, everybody grieves differently depending on their upbringing and overall mood at the moment, and helping is nice when you know they aren’t drinking themselves to the grave. Would bring your bar more profit in the end, but your mind would surely go to guilty hell for that.

But, with that massive crowd of people, you definitely have to admit that it's getting more tiring and harder the more the seconds pass. Your shift is over soon, though complaining sounds nicer than just sticking with it as a second row thought. You would never express it out loud, after all, you still want this job, which in itself should make you question why you need to keep it as a thought.

Ah, keep yourself focussed, you need to work, for God's sake.

“You two ladies are doing amazing, man, if Ligaya were still here, she would’ve liked it too“ You glanced up at the lady who you'd handed the beer to a few seconds ago and smiled. Not that waitress customer service smile, you gave a genuine smile. “Really? Was she such a bar enjoyer?“ Your hand handed your co-worker the next few beers as you waited for the lady’s reply.

“In her later years she was. When she was in her teens, she used to hide in her room all day and dream about making it big as an author“ An author enjoying a bar—what irony lies in between it. The Great Gatsby, Brave New World, and Annabel Lee were all written by addicts, so perhaps it's more of a rule than an exception. “What happened to her dream? Is- Well, was she an author?“

The lady began to laugh a little, maybe finding some solace in your correction to your grammatical timing or maybe because she will tell you some weird fact about that Ligaya you would never expect to hear. You were open-eared anyway.

“Ah, Ligaya was everything. She had a few short stories, then did some drugs, and then also made some techno music back in the 90s. That woman had a life, I'll tell you that!“ You could imagine it, very detailed even. Ligaya seemed to be a very creative person, besides the drug thing, of course. “How did she find her way to Korea, though? Or was she born here?“ Not your proudest question, you will admit that, but it‘s the first time you’ve heard someone called Ligaya being buried here.

“Ligaya found love here, mate. It was the late 2000s, I believe, when she came here for the first time. She was always a free traveler in a way, you know? All somewhere, but then she met this nice girl, someone totally her type, and boom, these two stay together till the end“

Now, that warmed your heart. Love is always a beautiful reason to stay. Even if it‘s for a lesser-deemed love. “Is her partner here today?“ You only now noticed the tattoos all over the lady’s hands. Some names, some motives, but also silly ones. Reminds you of your boyfriend's ones, which even makes you smile.

“Look, there she is with all her sisters“ Your eyes followed the finger, and you let out an “Oh” when you saw the amount of sisters. You squinted your eyes while counting, which made the lady laugh and nudge a person next to her to see you counting. “I- 8 sisters is insane. That poor mother must’ve pushed them out every year for them to all look so close in age“

Were you aware that you became more unprofessional at the sight of 9 sisters all next to each other? Nah. But you were definitely surprised to see something like that. Not that you were truly judging, you were just making lighthearted jokes about it. And the lady laughed as well, so who cares? Right?

“Some of them are twins, but yes, they often came every year. Poor mother, I suppose. I mean, I got kids, and I would never have the wish to be knocked up every single time I can have sex again“ She was right where she was right. It must’ve been a wish from the father. Or just tradition. Either way, a bit difficult for a mother to actually have that wish. “But from what I‘ve heard, all of them were loved by their mother“

“That’s great, but it still must’ve been difficult to y‘know? Take care of all of them?“ The lady nodded eagerly and lowered her finger to turn to you again. Your hands filled another plate for your coworker in between that talk. “Wanna know how I knew Ligaya?“ There was a feeling of rhetoric in her words, but despite not needing to affirm, you still did with a nod. Better be safe than sorry.

“I almost drove her over with my bike 16 years ago. She was a bit hasty and didn't look, and I sometimes also don't keep my eyes on the road, but I managed to stop just when it was almost over“ Your co-worker came up to you from the side and let out a loud enough laugh. “Really? How did you two get to be friends then?“

A smirk appeared on the lady’s face while she chugged down her beer. “Let’s just end it with that I tend to feel extremely guilty about those things“ But why the smirk, you asked yourself while filling up the beer once more. “So you two became friends through guilt-ridden acts of kindness?“ Your coworker always had a way with words. But she was right with their sarcastic question, you just would’ve said it differently.

“I think she did, now get these beers to the tables!“ You said more meanly, pushing your coworker with your hip. She let out a laugh and went on her way, but not before screaming some remarks back. You only heard half of it, though, the bar was far too loud for you to be focusing truly on an unpredictable comeback.

“You treat her like she’s your dog on a leash, girl“ You laughed while giving her the beer and hid a bit behind your hair. “Don’t worry, I like that! We need more demanding and confident girls like ya!“ You raised your eyebrow, your arms resting on the birch counter. “Do we now? Should I be meaner then?“

The lady laughed and nudged her seatmate once more. “I like you! I‘ll come back when I‘m in Seoul again, I promise!“ You smiled at the subtle compliment and let your eyes wander a bit to escape that gaze that makes your cheeks warmer. You stopped, though, when you saw someone coming in.

Yet, your professionalism was kept up to let the conversation continue. Mainly because of customer service, you told yourself now. “I‘ll be waiting for you then, I guess“ You two laughed, and the person you saw before slowly approached you from behind the counter. “What are you two talking about, hm?“

The lady silently calmed herself down and waited for you to have a reaction to an unknown person standing next to you all of a sudden. Though, this wasn’t just some stranger. This was your boyfriend. So when you smiled, the lady knew not to punch someone on the spot. “We were talking about how much meaner I should get. Who knows, maybe one day I even will“

Your boyfriend just got nearer and began to whisper some dirty words to you which made you chuckle nervously, hands working on some beers all of a sudden. The lady and Theo both laughed at your embarrassment. “So I‘m right to assume that he’s your boyfriend?“ You nodded in between your flustered state and pushed another plate towards your coworker.

“He is, and he’s as punctual as he tends to be. Which reminds me that my shift is ending-“ All 6 eyes went to glance at the clock, but only you made the conclusion. “In about 4 minutes“ Instead of getting an answer from either, you felt a kiss from Theo on your cheek. You could already imagine his lovesick, written face staring at that spot. “You got a bold one, girl. Seems to match you!“

You proudly nodded and finally took a glance at him. He was so at ease with the surroundings that you wished he could be there all the time. God, the images of him being a regular and a strong part of this bar's community must be weaker than the reality if the reality were to happen. But perhaps it‘s better just seeing him here when he‘s picking you up for dates because then he can observe you in the moment.

Now, that sounds narcissistic in a way. You don't know what way, but definitely a way.

“His boldness at certain times is even the reason he got a chance with me“ You almost reminisced about the times before you two became an item but got interrupted when your other coworker, who was replacing your position, slowly made their presence known. “But let‘s discuss this when you come back, alright? Don’t wanna keep my coworker from their work and me from enjoying my date!“

The lady silently laughed and waved you goodbye. Theo's hands found yours, and you pulled him into the rooms behind the main room of the bar. “Glad to see you, babe“ You softly though still excitedly, said while taking your work clothes off. “Well, I'm glad to see you more. Thought you were kidnapped when you didn't text me, but it turns out the bar is packed for once“

You laughed loudly and gave him a kiss on the cheek. You weren’t sure why, but it felt like the right thing to do. “There was a funeral next door, and boom, they all were here. Not that I mind or anything. No, actually, this shift was more fun than hard“ Theo leaned his body against the wall and watched as you made yourself fresh. He wouldn’t mind if you would go on this date a bit ‘messed up,‘ but whatever you want is the way you two move.

“I got to hear so much about the dead person that was actually, like, really actually, interesting“ At moments of reflection like these, you were reminded how much you loved your job. Yes, it's heavily influenced by the objectification of the worker, but when you get to have such good talks, it's more durable.

Theo's hands found yours again, and you forced yourself to look at him. His eyes shined in a way, especially when he’s looking at you. And you would be lying if you said that it didn‘t make you feel some things. “Tell me all about it, please, but first let‘s get to our place for our date, okay? I'm almost dying to show you what I’ve planned“

You raised your eyebrow and backed off a bit. “Really? Should I be afraid now?“ He let out a laugh, and his hands roamed through your hair at the same time. “Not in the slightest, love“ You leaned in closer again, your lips hovering over his. “I‘ll be excited then“

“Okay, before we actually do our date, I would like for you to close your eyes deeply, like seriously“ You snorted at the request, lifting your eyebrow at the same time. Theo didn't budge, though, not a single fiber inside his body was falling apart under that pressure. “I wasn’t aware that we were doing movie tropes now“

You watched as he rolled his eyes and chuckled low. Well, lower than his usual deep voice- ah who are you kidding? Who even cares about such an in-depth description of his voice?

“But okay, I trust you. Guide me then, please“ His laughter filled your little bubble before he took your hand that you were stretching out. You absolutely didn't like the loss of senses, but hearing him struggle with getting you to the spot was actually quite funny. But you didn't laugh, so he doesn’t feel embarrassed enough. “I put a lot of thought into this little date, so any hurtful remark should be expressed to your best friend and only your best friend“

You stopped at his demand and let out a scoff at the comment. “So you? You’re the closest thing I've got to a best friend anyway“ You lied a bit there to fuel his ego, but you were right in a way. He was the closest person to you, next to your actual best friend. But what he doesn’t really grasp can't hurt him, right?

“Sure thing, love. Open your eyes whenever you are ready“ Well, now that you heard his voice so far away from you, you debated if you were truly ready. But this is Theo, your boyfriend who knows you. He isn’t the type of person to design a date just around what he might want. And then again, you don‘t peg him for a guy who would do stuff like…climbing.

“I swear if you planned some stupid shit, I will make you sleep on the cou-“ Your rambling warning came to a halt when you opened your eyes and actually saw what he had planned. A boat. A fucking boat. And not just any. It actually had an easel for you. “Are you serious?“

Theo's smile seemed to be softer when he saw your surprised and wider eyes. He knew that expression on your face and knew that it didn't mean any harm. But his feet still picked some stones on the floor out of fluster. “I saw you looking at these pictures a few weeks ago, and, you know, I planned around it?“

Your feet moved closer to him and the boat, and soon you were laughing. Never out of secondhand embarrassment or entertainment, you were just trying to keep your emotions at bay. “Jesus, this is amazing, Tae, did you know that? You're planning this and just casually revealing it“ Your eyes went to meet his. He was patiently waiting for you to finish, and that made your ache inside your heart bigger. “You’re amazing“

His smile became brighter, his arm finding your shoulder and his head resting on yours. “Glad you find it endearing. I was actually worried when you began warning me, but just so you know, I‘m the one paddling“ Your snort was vibrating through your whole body until he felt it against his ear. “I would’ve killed you if I had to paint and paddle at the same time. That’s some serious exercising you would’ve demanded of someone who just had a crazy shift“

He didn't answer, nor did he wait for you to naturally find your way to the boat. Instead, he took your hand and almost dragged you towards the boat. “Which brings me to the point that you can tell me more about it once we travel across the lake“ Your eyes glared over the boat, and now were able to see the paint that was on the boat. He really thought of everything, you suppose.

Right?

“Have you checked that everything will not be underwater that shouldn’t be underwater?“ He eagerly nodded and ushered you to go into the board. “I ain’t going in there until you give a real answer, baby.“ Oh, that forsaken nickname that just gets him. He takes a deep sigh with his usual smile on his face before dragging out his answer vocally.

Through his long talk, you managed to sit down on the boat and wait for him to find an end. Yet, this is a bit of your fault, you told him that you wanted a longer answer, so he gave you one. So perhaps waiting is better than complaining. “But enough from me, let‘s keep rolling, right?“

You tried your utter best not to burst out into singing, so you just softly hummed at the sudden awakening of a vocal stimulation of yours. Theo, on the other hand, stopped his motion with the paddle to look you dead in the eye. “Seriously? Rollin‘ by Limp Bizkit? Out of all the songs, you pick that one?“

A shrug escaped you, your back slowly leaning back and watching him and the scenery. You weren’t sure what you were painting today, but you will definitely enjoy this conversation. “Babe, if you say ‘Let‘s keep rolling‘ the only thing I will think about is that damn song!“ Your argument didn‘t make him stop looking funny at you, but it did make him paddle again. One win after another, you suppose.

“You could’ve also hummed 'Rolling in the Deep'? The rolling people? Or maybe something from the Rolling Stones? Literally anything but that song“ You crossed your arms and began to look at him with the same audacity he gave you through his comments. “What’s so wrong about Rollin‘? Are you hating on Limp Bizkit? Man, never thought you were the kind of person to hate on nu-metal“

Theo began to watch you carefully. Not that he would ever expect this to turn into something dangerous or anything, but it's better to know when discomfort starts than when it's too late. But your pouting wasn’t any bad pouting, he thought, perhaps you- Oh yeah you totally were playing him. He could see it clearer now that you’re laughing your ass off because of his silence and intriguing staring.

“I love listening to nu-metal, okay? I just don’t like "rollin'" because I see it all over my for you page“ Or because you keep sending him some TikToks with that sound. So many TikToks that it took over his FYP for good. Your laughter slowly calmed down before ending with a few snorts. “And that‘s why I sang it! Amazing how connected our lives always seem to be, right?“

Yeah, that was funny. He has to admit that made him smile again. And you knew from there on that this was a beautiful win for you and only you. Your eyes daggered around your surroundings and came to a halt when you noticed how Theo seemed so in tune with the scenery. An idea jumped through your head, and your hands acted on demand.

“Tell me about that funeral gathering you were having at work while you paint, please?“ Well, if he insists so nicely and you were going to do it anyway because you two are two yappers in love, you might as well give it to him. Your hand gently went across your canvas while your other started to gesticulate.

“Well, I was having a normal shift that you tend to have at such boring times, and then, around an hour before you arrived, people started storming in“ Your gesturing hand went to hide your lips for a few seconds as you tried to get your laughter to quieten. “And at first I thought they were like starting to jump me and my coworker because who goes into a bar with like 50 people minimum, right?“

Though, your eyes remained on the canvas and the inspirational scenery around you two, Theo still gave you his sincerest smile. In a way you felt it, that warmth he only shows a few people who he truly wants to see. You treasure that inclusivity he’s giving you, would be stupid if he didn't as your boyfriend, but you still appreciate it. Not everyone is immediately comfortable with anything.

But you were getting ahead of yourself, you thought.

“They didn't, though, and since I was at the counter, I was out of order to help my coworker with that mess. But through the shift, I then came to talk with that lady. Really, really nice and funny. But why even our bar, right? It was because of a funeral next to us. And me, I didn't even notice that because all of them were wearing, like, black biker wear“

Theo, on the other hand, treasures a lot more about you than he would ever tell you. The normality of your life makes his feel durable. Not that being an idol is torturous for him, but he wouldn't be lying if he confessed how much he misses his old life at times. Your normality and somewhat extraordinary life inside it make him feel so excited to hear about your life without him.

It’s almost as if he’s a part of that normality once again just by hearing you talk about it.

He softly chuckled, his head peeking behind the canvas to get your attention on him. You subconsciously raised your eyebrow, but both of you knew that it wasn’t for bad reasons. Just a cute habit. “A bit typical for bikers to end up at a bar, right?“ You snorted immediately, your pencil gently poking your cheek as you crossed your arms.

“Is it now? Well, I wouldn’t have liked them anywhere else. They were so kind—well, she was to me, but I think they were all nice. Most of them were women, actually, but who am I to come to a conclusion because of that?“ You uncrossed your arms, took a good look at what you've been sketching before taking a deep breath. You can do this, you tell yourself motivately, you will make him smile and jump out of joy if you finish this!

“But the lady that was being buried was a woman named Ligaya. Late bloomer drinker and a all-over-the-place person before finding love here in Korea. Sweet, isn't it?“ You didn't need his answer to know how much he agreed with your rhetorical question. Of course he finds it sweet. “Thought so as well, what I didn't know was that Ligaya's partner actually has around 8 sisters who all were there for the funeral“

His head peeked again, this time with a much more disturbed look. “Yes, I‘m not lying. 9 daughters, and they all look as if they’re around the same age“ Theo was doing the math inside his head and soon felt his feet become lighter. That is really a lot of kids, surely something he can't handle, but you? “Please don't tell me you’re planning to have as many as well“

Now that made your knuckles turn white. At least you think so. Children? Nine? In this economy and political state? Might as well torture you if they want the same response. So you quickly used your free hand to signal stupidity before speaking your mind louder than usual. “I don‘t even dream of having children if we continue with our world how we do now! And even the thought of so many children makes me ill. Congratulations to the parents who wanted all those kids, but Jesus, not me“

Theo sighed in relief at the sight of your reaction and waited to see if you had anything more to add. But your quietest rambling only left him with the impression of you coming to terms with such a scenario he put into your head. “Just so you know, I don‘t want as many kids as well“ That ripped you from your nightmare and made you scoff. “As if you got to decide that!

His hands with the paddles attached went into the air, proudly announcing his agreement and defeat of the conversation in one go. “Sorry my queen. I should’ve never said that!“ His smile became wider when he saw and heard you laughing your heart out at his declaration towards you.

The sun was setting around the lake you two soon somewhat abandoned. Your sketch was long gone, replaced with the start of the coloring while the boat gently touched the surface a bit. Every time Theo wanted to take a look, you'd distract him with kisses or edge him with a simple ‘Wait‘ but you were lying if you'd say that you weren’t anticipating the somewhat finished project to be seen by his eyes.

“Want some, babe?“ He asked, guiding a bowl of fruits towards you. Your eyes glanced at it, trying to find one that you liked before ending up with the one on top. You needed to be locked in for your art and not find a distraction with accidentally making the whole bowl crash into itself. “Really, the top one. I thought you didn't like those“ The fruit soon disappeared into your mouth, and your now free hand pointed into the air again.

“I never said that! I said that I prefer others more! This time I just don't want any distraction. Especially now because I‘m close to finishing the rough cut“ His body leaned in forward, trying once again to see anything, but you quickly stopped him by hitting him with your brush. “Just wait a few minutes, Tae!“ His body leaned back again, and he let out an outrageous, over-the-top sigh.

“But you’ve been saying that for an hour now! I just want to see real quick!“ Your face fell flat, and you peeked behind your canvas to make him see it. To emphasize it. “You’re behaving like a child, my love. Did not know I had to sign up as an offender any time soon“ Now that made him silent for a bit and made you smile even more.

It was funny how you were always able to find a way for a comeback for every single sarcastic thing he said. It made him more interesting in a way. You could expand your sarcasm, and he could get humbled. A wonderful balance inside your relationship, you thought.

But he was right. Sort of, of course. You were saying that for an hour, and even you can feel how the anticipation ate you up. But you just need to finish it as well as you can, you want praises, not awkward silence, because it doesn’t look good or bad. You just want to get it done in a way where you can be satisfied for a bit.

But still-

“Real question, would you rather see it unfinished and maybe not ugly and not good or-“ His body jumped up, and his brown eyes glanced into yours with intensity. “I would not care one bit if it looked like Jabba the hutt, as long as it's from you, I'm happy to see it“ Your straight face stayed flat while your eyes, however, moved towards your canvas.

Theo could’ve looked that way, he was high enough to take a glance, but he didn't out of respect to you and your art. You sighed, however, your anticipation leaking over and spilling your can of paint. “Fine, take a look! If you don‘t care, I don‘t care!“

His body carefully positioned itself behind you, his hands touching your shoulder lovingly. But he remained silent. He was observing, Theo was looking at himself. It was no secret that he nowadays happens to be your muse in your art, but every time he sees it, it still knocks out the air inside his lungs.

“Am I allowed to kiss you? Like until we both can feel the other's love inside ourselves? Because I think that’s the only way I can repay you“ You snapped your head towards his direction, a wave of confusion all over it. “That’s just a basic drawing, not even finished by the way“

Now Theo was the one looking your way, his perplexity even worse than yours. His finger pointed at you now, even poking your cheek in the process. “This is literally not finished and already pure peak. I can literally feel the way you put care into painting me the way you actually see me, so now I feel as if I have nothing to offer“

Well, that confession and loud admiration definitely came close to making your heart skip a beat and triggering some health problems as a result, so maybe his problem got solved with expressing it. “You don‘t need to offer anything in return, love. Being my muse is all I need, if I‘m honest“ A weak smile found his face, and you returned it with a stable one. You let him lean closer without even flinching.

“I still want to kiss you“ Your smile turned into a smirk, and you raised your eyebrow. Your lips got closer to his, and he was close to tasting freedom. He knew it lay inside you and your beautiful mind. “Do it then, show me what this painting made you feel“ It didn‘t take him one useless second to let him move close enough for you two to kiss and forget all the unnecessary things around you two.

You didn't leave your body any time before you shrunk down your door. You could've hidden under your blanket like a little kid, but the fear of reoccurring attacks made you paranoid. It made you afraid of what you caused by being you.

You, just you existing the way you are. A living flesh they created and try to mold into something you can't be. It's not like you never tried to yourself, but every turn you take for that goal just leads you into darker, more sinister alleys you have burned inside your mind forever.

But regret washes over you now that you're alone. You should've just agreed with them, don't let it become such a big thing, but you're too stubborn for that disrespect. Another thing your parents seem to hate. God, why couldn't you just do what they wanted you to do?

Why can't you just meet their expectations? Heck, that's all they care about, so it must be easy, right? Oh, who are you kidding with these stupid questions? Your parents expect, but they never show you the way. They have no reason to be pissed at you not succeeding and actually finding your place.

But the looks, the disappointment that grows inside you two when you see and hear their disagreement. You don't want to disappoint them, you love them, after all. You're their child, and children need their parents more than parents need their children. Apparently, though, after all, your parents manage to show you just how conditional their love seems to be.

How you wish you could be like that. Be more conditional when it comes to the bullshit they pull while you still love them. You can swear, you can scream, you can try and hate them all you want, but deep inside, you still cling to them because they were the first act of love you knew.

All you want right now is for all your thoughts to stop. All these problems you try to untangle inside your head make you ill, they will make you insane. But you continue to think you will always continue to think about something so important to you.

But you don't want to, you don't want to.

And then your phone lights up. A message from Theo. As if he could sense your ache for escapism. Though his message didn't align with the moment entirely. Just a simple link to a TikTok he found funny. At least you think so, you don't really have the strength to open the TikTok. So your eyes glanced at the screen with your tears falling from them.

You couldn’t stay here, you couldn’t stay like this. Your desire to wash off this melancholy became stronger the more you had your eyes on his profile picture. Such a silly picture at such happy times. You took a deep sigh before moving your fingers to text him.

Though you never waited for his answer, you were too self-absorbed to wait anymore. You can‘t handle this sadness anymore, you need to be told that it‘s fine. You can tell it to yourself all over again, but it will never come to the same equation as the words others could tell you. What Theo could tell you.

Your hands opened your window, and for once all your childish fears of heights disappeared. The room you were leaving behind for this night seemed so peaceful despite all the hate it's surrounded by. How you hated the fact that your parents painted your once so dear home in such a way.

You just want to forget it, at least for this night.

Your breath became more rapid, but you didn't feel any nervousness reaching your head. You counted down before taking the steps to get on the grass. All your care about your parents finding out disappeared within seconds. You were long gone from the point of actually trying.

It just hurts so much to feel that conditional love reeking inside your parents hearts.

The cold air that met your face as you ran towards Theo's house made you feel a bit more alive. More alive for yourself than for your parents expectations. But it still hurts so much. You always tried pushing it down, always claiming it was nothing important, but now, now it seems so close to getting out that even your body wanted to vomit.

“Y/N!“ A voice called out that you recognized immediately. Theo, your dear Theo standing in front of you. How did he know where you were? You didn't tell him to come for you. Now regret meeting you, as you saw his worried face. “Taeyang“ You quietly whispered, and Theo could feel your anxiety, your melancholy, and your disappointment all in one.

He always knew what your parents wanted you to be, and even the thought of them treating you badly makes him ill. As if he wants to hit them over and over again. But with you being in front of him, he knew that your well-being was his most important task now. His body moved forward and quickly wrapped itself around you, squeezing you enough and never too tight.

“It’s okay“ You could comprehend his words, take them for granted if needed, but not one muscle inside your body believed it all of a sudden. Now that he was near, now that he could give you some relief, your whole body rejected your self-made justifications. Theo could feel your shaking head against his body, his squeezing became more.

“Please, Y/N, it's okay. I'm here now, cry your heart out as much as you can” But wasn't crying the thing you did continuously from your room to him now? You can cry all you want, though in this dire situation, you need him to hear you.

For someone to hear you for once.

If your parents can't do it, then someone else can. You forced your head out of his grip and looked at him, trying your best to keep it together for these few words. “It's tiring, Tae, I can't fucking do this anymore.”

Your devestating, no grievous face made his skin bloom with goosebumps. Seeing you so made him feel terrified, so much it could make him ill. Theo's brain only comes to one conclusion, and that is to make you feel truly okay.

His hand reaches your cheek, and his thumb gently wipes away your tears. “I know, and it's okay. You're with me now. You're not home anymore”

Slowly, as you two made it to his house, you wrapped yourself around that reality and your mind silently calmed down. At least to a level where you could talk without breaking down every single time.

Theo could see your hanging legs from down under as he grabbed a bottle of water. “Is my garage hood comfortable for trauma sessions now?“ Though his tone was still caring, you couldn’t help but weakly chuckle because of that soft sarcasm returning. You shrugged but watched as he got on the hood himself. “Do you really want to talk about it? Like go deep into the details, or is that too much?“

You were silent for a bit, letting the dark surround you once more as you thought about it. Talking about topics like your home life tends to end with you just straight up exploding and feeling shame about it afterwards, but you were dying inside. Dying because nobody knows about it as much as you do. Theo is surely someone you can trust, if anything, he’s the person who knows the must, he must understand you. He just must.

“What can I say that you don‘t already know? I’ve done things like I was asked to, and then they got mad, which then resulted in them just exploding all of a sudden. They threw stuff around me, they badmouthed me, and overall just made it clear how much they hate me.“ Theo could only watch as you began to unravel everything that they said in more detail, and every single comment made him feel lighter. Though not in a good way.

“I feel conflicted, to be honest. I don‘t- I can‘t- It just sucks not being able to have a safe space at home at all times. I hate having to pretend to submit to my parents, even though they are the ones that should be my safe space. I just want it to stop before I make myself stop“

And there you said it. That one thing that hung in the air all the damn time. It wasn’t like your hopes of them stopping were massively decreasing by the second, it was just that your resilience was slacking. The more you lose it, though, the more it becomes clear how much you could not live with it anymore. And if your resilience was gone, so was your way to live.

“What the fuck are you talking about Y/N“ Your eyes went to look at him and regret washed over you. He was completely taken with your admission of your plan B. He blinked more, his hands hovered in the air, so close to touching you but rejecting it at the same time. “This is literally the worst outcome you could choose for yourself“

He finally took the courage to put his hands above yours, and his eyes became more focused. In a way or two, you suppose it‘s the changing atmosphere that makes you feel like it is. But, you listened, and you deeply thought about what he was saying.

“You taking your life would keep you in that cage, forever bound to their expectations. You need to escape it, you need to fight against it to truly make it stop. I mean, I don't know what there is after death, but if there is a consciousness, then it surely will always remain at that stage where you’re not free enough to find peace.“

This wasn’t a desperation to let you stay alive for him thing no, he was desperate to keep you alive for yourself. Jesus, these thoughts were just something casual for yourself, but now that you were met with a reaction, you felt yourself becoming more grounded. And in a perverted way, also more hopeful.

“But it‘s hard to fight against something you love“ He got closer, and anxiety flushed through your body. From mind to your feet. “Y/N“ He said softly and as quietly as he could. Your devastating expression became worse with your resilient nodding. “If you really want to be you, then you need to get through it.“

“But what if-“ He quickly interrupted you by squeezing your hand. Normally you would be able to ignore that, but now you're on full alert, all your nerves go through the roof at the same time. “You won‘t do it alone, alright? I‘m here, I‘ll listen, and I‘ll even fight your parents for your serenity“

Laughter was heard from you, and he could feel your breath on his face, which resulted in him laughing as well. He wasn’t sure if it was out of pure entertainment or a mix of that and relief, but he didn't care as much. You were laughing. What's greater than that in the moment you two share? Besides the obvious points, of course.

Though, as the laughter dampened, you two shared one last look before your eyes went to look at the garden in front of you. Or the yard, you could never tell those parts of a garden apart. “You’re okay?“ He asked, filled with the most generosity you could ever expect from anyone. You took a deep sigh before nodding. “I guess I am now. But perhaps it’ll change once I'm at that fuck house again“