afleiding

I like a person a lot. They’re so kind and really caring. They are so supportive and also they work at the tattoo shop I go to (monthly if not bi-monthly) which is funny because we matched on the HER app two days after I got my most recent tattoo last month. Almost sounds perfect right? But here’s the kicker. They have a partner and are doing polygamy. They are falling really hard for me...fast. But I’m still trying to figure this all out. Because the way it would work, they would be in a monogamous relationship with me totally separate from their partner. They have only ever done polyamory for fun and hookups but they’re started to really like me and said they would fully stop talking to anyone else because they don’t care about anyone else other than their partner and me. They’ve never done this before. So it would be new for all of us. But it’s confusing because I know that their partner is the love of their life and I just don’t want to feel like I’m trying to compete for attention or emotion or potentially love? Even sex...I don’t wanna have to feel like one of us is more important than the other and yet I already feel that way and have had two anxiety attacks because I told them I just wanna be friends and take it extremely slow before I could even make a decision but they kinda forced the conversations of “this is what my partner feels, let me tell you about all the similarities of you and my partner! (that one made me extremelyyyy uncomfortable and really put off), can we talk about our future? This is how it would be for me and my partner, etc.” And I have told them “I cannot have this conversation, it’s making me extremely anxious and uncomfortable and I am getting overwhelmed” and they kinda pushed until I was sobbing and having multiple panic attacks and freaking out and then afterwards they’d be like “OH MY GOSH IM SO SORRY! I DIDNT REALIZE! I SHOULDNT HAVE DONE THAT!” But then they did it again just a few days after!!!! They were like “I need to have a conversation about this otherwise I refuse to move forward, you have to be okay with my partner and we need to discuss otherwise it’s just not going to happen.” And I was thinking like omg I thought we were just friends wtf...I didn’t know what to do and then they start asking all these things (the same ones I told them that I couldn’t talk about because it made me uncomfortable and anxious and it was way too early to even try to put that on me and led me to having the panic attack...the same fucking questions!! But this time it was “we need to talk about it or I will not go further with any conversation..” well it led me to ANOTHER panic attack, a horrible one! I thought I was dying, it was that bad. I couldn’t stop crying. I told them “I told you I couldn’t talk about any of this so early! I told you it makes me overwhelmed and I told you that it’s extremely uncomfortable and anxiety ridden for me and yet you told me if we don’t discuss this now then we cannot move forward with any conversation, etc. You were so worried about your partner and their feelings and emotions that you 100% overlooked mine and overstepped! You were so worried about telling me what your partner wanted me to know that you didn’t even think for one second about what is on my mind! That just validated everything I was and am, already terrified of and uncomfortable with!” They were like “oh my goodness I am so sorry! You are so right! I’m such an idiot! I overstepped so hard and I didn’t even stop to think that you told me just two days ago that you couldn’t handle any of these things just yet! Oh my goodness, I feel like I just ruined everything. I wasn’t thinking! I’m so stupid! I’m so sorry! I just hope we can be friends still if you decide to walk away from this. I’m so angry with myself. This is all new to me and I don’t know why I didn’t listen to you.” I felt the apology but I was so angry. I told them that they need to listen to me when I say something and not overlook my emotions for their partners. I told them I can only be their friend rn & that I need slow, v slow. Idk 🤷🏽