Just My Random Life

I can’t afford to fall in love, I can’t afford to need anyone like that. I can’t afford to be distracted by love.

I’m way more screwed up then I’ve realized. I scare myself.

I can’t stop thinking about the unimaginable pain you went through. I can’t find comfort even tho i know you aren’t hurting anymore. You were good.  I didn’t expect for you to ever talk to me after this summer, we weren’t close enough for that. But i expected to hear about the things you would do, the lucky girl you would eventually marry and you would be out there being you. You weren’t perfect but you were good and you should’ve gotten a chance to become whole. I could see you struggling (i wasn’t aware it wasn’t obvious) and i knew you would figure it out. And you don’t get a chance.  I didn’t love you, we weren’t that close. But you were good.  You were good. You were kind. You deserved more time. You deserved the happy.  So no, The thought that you’re not in pain anymore doesn’t comfort me. You deserved happy, not pain and then to be gone.  I’m angry that you’re gone and there is no one for me to be angry at. So I’m just angry and broken. You were good. 

I saw a glimpse of the girl i fell in love with today. I was pathetic i acted as if you hadn’t changed. I acted the way i used to, when i was hopelessly in love with you. We’ve been apart more but it was not a negative separation, this time there was no animosity. I just needed some time to get over you, to realize who you are now is not the same person i fell in love with, and to forgive myself for causing that (still haven’t gotten there yet). I thought i had gotten rid of it all but, i think i’ll always be just a little bit in love with you. And i think that’s okay. I’ve reconciled with the fact that you will never have any feelings for me and more importantly i’m moving on.

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY, SPOIL MY FRIENDS, AND GO ON DATES. BUT NO INSTEAD I GET TO BE DEPRESSED AND POOR AND TO BUSY WITH SCHOOL TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

"I'm tired" she said over and over. But no one really understood that it wasn't the day making her tired it was life.