Monet blushed. It never got any easier to hear that she was attractive, especially not from someone who was sober, and totally serious about what they were saying. Her mother had always been the beautiful one, the one men stopped and stared at. She’d always just figured she was homely. Not that she’d ever thought she was ugly, because she definitely felt like what she saw in the mirror was decent, sometimes even pretty. But she didn’t think for a second she could be on the same playing field as Kris. “I don’t think I’ve ever been on a date with someone that identifies as nonbinary. I mean, I’ve met several, there’s always a lot in the art world I feel like, but I’ve never really gotten into a deep conversation with one…” she trailed off, wondering if what she was saying could be misconstrued as offensive in any way. “Is it wrong of me to say I don’t understand it? Not that I don’t understand it like I don’t approve or anything, I just have never really had it explained to me by someone who actually lives it, y’know?”
Again, her blush grew, and she shrugged. “So what does it really mean to be nonbinary? Like in your own experience? I mean, I figure it’s different for different people, just like anything would be, but I’d love to hear it from you.” Monet grinned, trying to seem non-threatening and as inoffensive as humanly possible, feeling a little more naive than she already had. “I’m fluent in English and Italian. They’re both sort of my first languages…I don’t really remember which I learned first, I mean. I’m also mostly fluent in French, though I don’t feel quite as comfortable with it as Italian. I speak Spanish, too, but like with French it’s just not my most comfortable language. Besides that, I know some conversational German and Dutch, and then phrases and questions in a couple other languages. But if we’re talking fluent, I’m only going to claim English and Italian!”
“Nah, it’s not wrong of you. I wish that people would ask more. The more people ask and the more we talk about it, the more normalized that it becomes. Gender is fucking confusing,” Kris reassured her with another squeeze of her hand. “Honestly, if screaming was a socially acceptable answer to ‘what’s your gender’, that’d be it for me.” They laughed for a moment before pausing to gather their thoughts. “Well, like you said, there’s no one default nonbinary experience. Everyone identifies and expresses their gender differently. Think of it... okay, so, you grew up around art. Think of gender as colors. You can mix colors together like yellow and blue to make green. I’m green. I’m a mix of everything... or, sometimes, I feel like neither and that’s okay too.
For me, when I was younger, the easy answer was that I was a tomboy. I wanted to go and play in the mud with the other boys instead of wearing a dress or playing with Barbies. No one really thought anything of it. But when I get older and still expected to conform to traditional gender roles, I felt really angry. And suffocated. I didn’t understand it for a long time. I grew up in a pretty conservative household where we didn’t even acknowledge queer people, let alone the complexities of gender. It just wasn’t talked about. So for a really long time, I genuinely thought something was wrong with me. I knew I was attracted to people who were female-presenting, I figured that out early on, but it still felt like there was something not clicking. It felt like my skin would crawl whenever someone called me a woman. It wasn’t until I went to New York and got involved in the LGBTQ+ community on campus that I figured it out. For me, being nonbinary means not identifying as a male or a woman. I’m just... me, and I don’t have to force myself to fit into any mold. Most of the time I still lean closer to traditional masculine hobbies and clothing because they don’t call attention to my body. I’ll wear a chest binder to make my chest appear flat because I feel self-conscious about people seeing my breasts and therefore assuming I’m a woman. They still assume I’m a woman 99% of the time, but it helps me feel more in control of it. And then there are nights like tonight where I feel more feminine and don’t mind dressing up in a dress and heels and wearing a bra. It really just depends on the day. Lately, as I’ve been on my own and spending more time to reflect on myself, I’ve gotten more comfortable with my body again. I know who I am and I know my heart, and the people who love me and see me know who I am too. I don’t feel as pressured lately to alter my appearance so I won’t get misgendered. For me, personally, being nonbinary feels like freedom to live a life without conforming to society’s ideals of what gender is.” They paused, realizing that they had been talking for a lot longer than they had planned. They gave a small laugh. “But it sucks when most buildings only have a male bathroom and a female bathroom and you don’t necessarily feel comfortable going into either. I appreciate you asking, hermosa. It’s nice to talk about it.”
Kris whistled under their breath. “Damn, look at you go! That’s really impressive. I wouldn’t have assumed you could speak that many languages just by looking at you. If you ever need help with Spanish, just let me know. I’m happy to help you out.” The waiter came with the food that the pair had ordered at that moment and Kris stopped talking for a moment to get the food situated. “Looks good, doesn’t it? Maybe I should have come here sooner. Except I wouldn’t be here with you and that’s the best part.”
