I have been bored out of my mind staying inside waiting for my corona test result to come back, it's only been a few days but yeah I'm bored. And I realized I don’t miss tumblr all that much and that hobbies are important af.
It occurred to me that I used to enjoy staying home and sitting infront of my computer for hours and entire nights in one sitting. So I started going through the things that I did back when I was a student; I tried playing some games I used to enjoy but I really can't keep my interest in them anymore.
Then I remembered tumblr, I scrolled through my blog and dug pretty deep. I had a few laughs over some funny posts here and there and kinda missed this hell site for a while. Then I realized that all this, all the things I used to enjoy were just digital pacifiers to fill the emptiness and fill my time. Absolute waste of time. Something to replace actual hobbies and meaningful relationships.
At the time I enjoyed (or thought myself to enjoy) gaming away the hours and watching TV shows and making & reblogging photosets of them. I enjoyed feeling through them, feeling happiness, joy, sadness and excitement over the fictional plot lines and characters. And what was I left with, after having spent all those countless hours* playing and re-watching my favorite series' over and over again and consuming fandom content? Absolutely nothing. Sure I could and can still click heads pretty well and I learned few trivial facts but where do I need the skill of headshotting in my life today? All those hours spent and I learned nothing that would bring me joy or somehow help me in my life today. Well, maybe my language skills got honed but that’s about it.
I'm emphasizing the emotional aspect of this because back then I was so desperate to feel something, I used to say stuff like "I kind of hope that zombie apocalypse/WW3/other dystopian scenario would happen" ofc I wasn't deadly serious about it but yes my life was so dull that dystopian future sounded much more tempting than my own life. Well geez, if you just sit at home playing games and watching supernatural what ground-shaking emotions are you expecting to feel all of a sudden? When the highlights of your weeks are the new episodes airing then yeah of course you are going to feel like you are not living or feeling anything.
It wasn't always as bad as I'm making it out to be, I was somewhat content with my life; I had my dogs & dog training courses and some friends. For some time I even went to gym every week but I have to admit that those aspects were likely less than 5% of my time. I didn't have the money to go to dog training classes for more that once or twice every year and they were usually for 6 weeks / once per week for one hour so yeah digital stuff filled the rest of my free time.
As said before, back then I didn't have the money nor resources to do the all the things I enjoy today but I wish I knew back then how much more I could feel through getting actual fucking hobbies for myself, where I get better at something, when it's not just not my dogs doing the improving. The sheer joy and pride of achieving my goals and wanting to do even better, be faster and go further is so much better than feeling emotions about fictional characters or passing a game at 100% success rate.
I would have benefitted more had I used that money into something, almost anything else instead of buying all seasons of supernatural, the walking dead or bbc sherlock. Supernaturals I have already sold years ago but sometimes I sit on the sofa and stare at the remaining dust covered DVD’s laying on the bottom shelf of the tv-stand and think that I definitely should have went out to eat instead with that money. Or had I put the money aside, eventually with all that was spent on those discs I would have been able to buy decent pair of sneakers for running. Because I did try jogging multiple times, it always ended when my shins and knees got so sore I literally could not run. Most likely due to my 20€ discount sneakers being unsuitable for my feet.
When I ran my first 5km I was happy that I could do it with ease and I realized I could run even longer some day. Then I ran my first 10km and I was proud of myself and happy. Then I ran my first 20km and my friend pushed me to run the last kilometre faster so we would hit the goal time I had set, and we made it. My feet almost gave under me and I cried hugging the dog because I had never felt so bad and so good simultaneously. And then I biked 120km. And next saturday I’m going for a hike of over 80km. And I have full intentions to run a marathon, and after that an ultra marathon. Don't know about the ultra yet but I'm certain that I can achieve my marathon goal unless I break my legs or something. These things give me so much more joy, memories and confidence compared to my earlier past time activities and man I am so happy I don’t need this site anymore either. I feel like I'm rubbing it in now, but truly I am relieved and happy that my life isn't so dull anymore and I needn't fill it with tumblr, games or TV series'. Books I’m going to keep and yes I still watch Netflix and play games but they aren't the main aspects of my existence anymore.
I also thought myself to be a really boring person back then but relationship, work and new friends (and time and practice most likely) did me good and boosted my self confidence and social skills. My partner brings a goof out of me, I crack more jokes and I can banter and be silly with so much more ease. I used to think that I was a very serious kind of person and that I just didn't enjoy humor but what do you know, I have evolved. I just didn't have the skill set and nobody "taught" me to do those things before. I haven't completely changed but getting out of my old habits has brought me so much more than I ever imagined.
I just wanted to say this because tumblr never really did me any favors regarding my mental health or personal growth, and somehow I got out of all this and flourished. (Yet I don’t have the heart to delete this blog)
*I do know I have spent c o u n t l e s s hours playing and watching series’. I have data of only 1 game and I have spent 1500 hours playing just that one game. And I have played plenty of different games for years. And I have re-watched all seasons of Supernatural like 5 times. (excluding the newer seasons, I haven’t even seen those) Season one is like +16 hours. And that’s just one season of one series. At this point I don’t even want to know what all of it adds up to.
